Classic funny quotations from Niu X.

1, it's raining, I'd rather not have an umbrella, because no one will care.

2. Life is just a passing process.

At worst, the present is better than the future.

I thought the sky was so long and the land was so long. Who knows what kind of earthquake will happen.

Don't wait for others to throw up before you know how disgusting you are.

6. I will remember anyone who can give me seven drills like Lei Feng.

7. The theme of life is not to cry or laugh, but to laugh and cry.

8. Let me get a high score if others get a high score. Why don't you buy a Ferrari when others drive it?

9. Don't mistake the woodcutter when sharpening the knife, and then work after finishing junior high school.

10, the most terrible thing is not to love. It's about getting rather than loving.

1 1. You look very creative and live with courage. Ugliness is not your intention, but God's temper.

12, as long as someone marries me, I will blow up the divorce office.

13, some experts pointed out that people who love watching horror movies have better psychological endurance and longer life span than the average person, so I decided to quit.

14. The saddest thing in the world is that I stand in front of my future father-in-law and now I can only call him uncle.

15, you are uglier than a ghost if you don't dress up, and a couple's online names are paralyzed when they dress up.

16, being strong means giving yourself a paragraph when you are crying.

17, out of sight, out of mind, nothing to think about,

18, the society is very simple, and the complexity is people!

19, I drew a coffin with you and him in it. You see how kind I am, I will let you die together when I die!

20. The boss gave me a sad haircut! thank you

2 1. Behind every man in a mixed society, there is a silly woman who works for him.

22. If you want someone to remember you forever, you will never pay back the money you borrowed from him.

23, fast broadcast, how many boys want to become men at the moment of broadcast?

24. I keep telling myself that it's really not worth it to stop being wronged by myself.

25. The fastest runner after school is often the worst.

26. Why do we talk so much about buttoning, but we don't know what to say face to face?

Last night, I dreamed that the school crashed into a boat. Sadly, I'm still up there.

28. Waste air when you are alive, and land when you are dead. How can we set off the beauty of the world without you?

29. Life, like weather forecast, is predictable, but often unexpected.

30. Love is not only psychological. After all, people don't love a beautiful pig at first sight.

3 1, there are two ways in life, either die quickly or live wonderfully.

32. A few sacks of money can't buy a sack of knowledge for school.

Non-mainstream and super-classic funny quotations are awesome.

1, I'll help you solve the problem that Confucius can't solve.

I am embarrassed to arrest you. How dare you steal?

Everyone eats shit sometimes, just don't chew it carefully.

The world belongs to us and our sons, but in the end it belongs to those grandchildren.

Push me again and I'll play dead for you.

6. It was totally amazing at the beginning, and it was only seen by the world.

7. My heart broke into dumpling stuffing.

8, Ming Sao is easy to hide but difficult to prevent.

9. Nothing that can be solved with money is a problem, but I am poor.

10, a gentleman pretends to be a dead woman to please himself.

1 1. A tailor who doesn't want to be a chef is not a good driver.

12. Go to the supermarket to knead instant noodles when you are in a bad mood.

13, you keep rolling. ...

14, the boss first brought two Jin of true love to feed the dog!

15, be patient or cruel.

16, Bajie, don't think you are a pig standing at night under a street lamp.

17, there are no windtight walls and no hanging beams.

18, was pulled out before flirting.

19, unreasonable trouble will have a picture!

I couldn't outrun the BMW after all, so I watched it disappear into the sunset, not because my engine broke down, but because my chain fell off.

2 1, my hobbies can be divided into static and dynamic. Static means sleeping, dynamic means turning over …

22. I curse you for buying instant noodles all your life without a seasoning bag!

23. Don't thank me! Thanks. How dare you charge you?

24. Heroes don't ask the source, hooligans don't look at their age.

25. Chris Lee and Yico Zeng are both my brothers.

26. I didn't see my face, my body was not injured, and no one was around.

27. You stubbornly turned Audrey Hepburn into a street girl.

28. In fact, in the end, we will all go online and offline on other people's MSN.

Kindness means that I don't eat meat when others are hungry.

30. Bad luck is a kind of luck that will never be missed.

3 1, Durex bankruptcy is not a tragedy, Durex bankruptcy is a tragedy.

32. No one has blown cowhide so fresh and refined for a long time!

The difference between leaders and us is that they walk the red carpet and we walk the zebra crossing.

34. If you reason with him, he will play hooligans with you; He will reason with you if you play hooligan. Who is he, please?

35. Money is a good medicine with remarkable effect.

Although you wear cologne, I can still vaguely smell that scum.

37. I received a short message yesterday asking me to remit money to an account of China Agricultural Bank. I replied: Don't worry, I'll burn it for you right away!

38. When I get rich, let's buy two lollipops ... one for you to eat and the other for you.

39. We should look ahead and not miss some crooked melons and rotten dates. How can I know what is good?

40. Hello, Aunt. I am your son's boyfriend.

4 1, everyone says I'm ugly, but I'm just not beautiful.

Funny quotations from classical philosophy-funny quotations

When will there be a bright moon? Ask your roommate about the wine. I wonder if the handsome guy next door has a girlfriend?

Although I am not very handsome, when I was a child, someone praised my left nostril as an idol.

Mom's suggestion: Daughter, you should eat a little properly to lose weight!

Spring is a period of high incidence of colds and feelings. Some people accidentally caught a cold, and some people accidentally fell in love. I belong to the former.

I am also an infatuated seed. It rained and drowned.

Money is not everything, sometimes it is needed.

I allow you to come into my world, but I will never allow you to walk around in my world.

God, did you let summer and winter live together? ! This kind of weather!

When the bird is big, there are all kinds of Woods!

Not afraid of enemies like tigers, but afraid of teammates like pigs.

Summer is not good. When I was poor, I didn't even have to drink the northwest wind. ...

Do whatever you want!

Don't call me if you have nothing to do, and don't call me if you have anything to do.

Do you think I'll watch you die? I close my eyes.

Angels can fly because they look down on themselves. ...

I want to puppy love, but it's too late. ...

Please don't speak English in front of me in the future, ok?

I hope that one day I can double-click my wallet with my mouse, then select a hundred-dollar bill, press "CTRLC" and keep "CTRLV" all the time.

I am a lonely tree, standing on the roadside for thousands of years, waiting alone, just because one day you pass me, I will fall for you, even if I don't smash you, I will live in vain.

Please raise your hand if you love me, and stand on your head if you don't love me.

Never hang yourself from a tree. You can try it several times in the surrounding trees.

Don't set the bank card password as your girlfriend's birthday, or you will always change it.

The happiest thing: sleep until you wake up naturally. Count the money and count the cramps in your hands. The saddest thing: sleep until your hand cramps, and count the money until you wake up naturally.

Money can buy a house, but not a home; Marriage, but not love; Clock, but can't buy time. Money is not everything, but it is the root of pain.

Everyone wants to be different from others, and everyone is the same as a result.

When we were young, we often made faces in the mirror. When we are old, the mirror is flat.

A scholar dies as a confidant, and a woman is a lover of herself.

If being rich is also a mistake, I'd rather repeat it.

People are afraid of famous pigs and strong, men are afraid of having no money and women are afraid of being fat.

The effect of contraception: if you don't succeed, you will become a' person'.

Asking how sad you can be is like a group of eunuchs going to a brothel.

Sleep is an art-no one can stop me from pursuing art.

If marriage is the grave of love, then I expect someone to bury me.

I am not a casual person. I'm not a person when I get up casually

To be a man, you must be a person who wanders between cow A and cow C.

You can go as far as you want.

Lie down where you fell.

Being pregnant is like being pregnant. It takes a long time for people to see it.

Lovers form families.

Your ugliness has nothing to do with your face …

A tree will die if it is not skinned; People are shameless and invincible in the world.

I will have a son named "handsome" in the future, so everyone will say "handsome dad" when they see me.

Work, take a step back, fall in love, take a step back, and people are empty.

The highest level of work is to watch others go to work and get their wages.

Money is not the problem, the problem is no money!

I was drunk and nobody obeyed, so I held the wall.

I am like a fly lying on the glass, with a bright future, but I can't find a way out.

You know what, big brother? Second brother's meat is now more expensive than master's.

If eating more fish can nourish the brain and make people smarter, then you should eat at least a pair of whales. ...

Clear water means no fish, while lowly people are invincible.

Youth is like toilet paper. It looks a lot, but it's not enough.

Friends around you, get famous quickly, so that my memoirs can sell well.

A female classmate is darker and her boyfriend is whiter. One day, the poison queen in the dormitory suddenly said to her, "You can't do this, you will have zebras."

I always treat handsome guys and money like dirt, and they always treat me like this.

Don't be lazy with me, I'm too lazy to compete with you.

God said, let there be light, and I said I opposed it, so the world was dark.

My name is God, my nickname is Jesus, my English name is God, and my dharma name is Tathagata …

The farmer's three punches hurt a little.

In fact, I have always been very popular: I was loved by everyone when I was a child, and now I am loved by a bitch.

Not afraid of enemies like tigers, but afraid of teammates like pigs.

Go your own way and let others take a taxi.

Rats are looking for cats all over the street with knives.

As long as you work hard, shit is serious.

Who runs fastest? It's Cao Cao (not Liu Xiang). Because speaking of the devil.

Only when there is a long queue at the railway station can we truly realize that we are "descendants of the dragon".

When spring comes, a flock of geese fly north, forming a B-shape for a while and a T-shape for a while.

Tigers don't show off. You think I'm HELLOKITTY!

Donkey, yes, read it backwards and follow it.

The highest state of self-help: help the wall in, help the wall out.

No money, no power, no matter how good it is for you, can you come with me?

Take a newspaper to the toilet. I am a scholar.

Go to Google and Baidu to see.

Women must be kind to themselves. Once you are exhausted, other women will spend your money, live in your room, sleep with your husband and beat your baby!

Grandpa comes from his grandson. ...

You can go as far as you want!

No one has blown cowhide so fresh and refined for a long time!

Boss, is money really that important to you? You talked for more than three hours and didn't leave a penny behind?

When I woke up, it was dark.

If I become a personnel manager, the first thing I will do is to promote myself to the boss.

I am losing weight except eating every day. You say I have no perseverance?

I won't tell you if I kill you.

Any problem that money can solve is not a problem.

After studying for more than ten years, I think it's better to mix kindergartens!

Even believe in advertisements. Are you stupid in your studies?

How to lose weight if you don't have enough food?

The early bird catches the worm, and the early worm is eaten by the bird.

God, my clothes have lost weight again!

Water can carry a boat and cook porridge.

Buying a computer without broadband is like becoming a monk without eating.

There is an old legend-people who can see beautiful women on XX campus will live forever.

Healthy and relaxed; Living is easy; Life is not easy.

My name in my girlfriend's mobile phone is "He". After breaking up, I became "it".

I am different from you because I am human.

I only drink pure water when drinking water and pure milk when drinking milk, so I am very simple.

God gave us youth and acne.

If something goes wrong, look for the reason from yourself first. Don't blame the earth for its lack of gravity when you are constipated.

Boys are poor, or don't know how to struggle, girls are rich, or they are coaxed away by a piece of cake.

Fate is responsible for shuffling cards, but it is ourselves who play cards!

Love is a kind of helplessness, being loved is a gesture, waiting for love is an expectation, and not loving is an ability.

The beauty of a woman lies in her unrepentant stupidity, and the beauty of a man lies in being a ghost every day.

Super violent, super awesome, B. laughing his ass off. Classic funny quotations.

1, a couple make love, and the man always likes to say: I'm going to kill you! I haven't seen you for several days. The woman found a man's unit, and the man asked, what's wrong? Woman softly: Nothing, just don't want to live. 2. A woman is so ugly that she runs away when she sees a ghost. A poor designer made it into a new year's picture, and the advertising words were: hanging the door to avoid evil; Hang up the bed, contraception! The designer won the prize and entered a well-off class.

A mosquito entered the city and was very hungry. Seeing a young lady with a towering chest, she plunged in and took a hard bite. As a result, her mouth was full of silicone, so she sighed: Alas, food safety is too problematic! Where can I find safe milk?

The plowman went to town to buy condoms and forgot what condoms said. After wandering around the pharmacy counter for a long time, I still can't remember. Finally, I had to ask the salesgirl in a low voice: Miss, do you sell plastic bags containing jj?

5. A gentleman stayed in a hotel and called the bar in the middle of the night: How much is the cheapest lady? A: One hundred, but the ugly and beautiful ones are five hundred. A gentleman said to be ugly. After the young lady came, a gentleman asked her to sit naked on the sofa and go to bed and sleep soundly until dawn. The young lady asked inexplicably, why did you call me here? A gentleman replied: There are too many mosquitoes in the room! This story shows that any resource can be used by me as long as I change my mind. )

6. A group of women are waiting for a B-ultrasound examination. The nurse shouted: Line up, Cai bilibili's left; Black and white bilibili is on the right. A woman doesn't understand. She unbuttoned her skirt and took off her underwear. She asked the nurse, what do you think of mine? The nurse said grumpily, you are a cow B! !

7. The hen complained to the bull: It's unfair that humans let me lay more eggs but plan their own children! The old cow said, what the hell are you doing? People all over the world drink my wife's milk. Who the fuck calls me dad?

8. A blind couple agreed to have sex, and the man said, play cards. The woman said: Start. The young people next door often hear playing cards and wonder how blind people can play cards. So I took a peek and saw that. One day, while the blind man was away, the young man sneaked into his house and said to the blind girl, Let's play cards. The blind girl said, go. So two xj. Young people have great skills. At orgasm, blind girls even boast: good cards. In the evening, the blind man wanted to play cards with his wife again, and the blind girl said, didn't you play once during the day? Hearing this, the male blind man was anxious and angry, exclaiming: No, someone stole the card!

9. The female leader came home at night and was suddenly boarded by two men. A man threatened to say: be honest, rob the color. The female leader sneered and said: His father, such a happy thing made him so nervous and scared to death. I thought I was detained!

10, the car married the train, but soon divorced. Everyone asked why, and the car said sadly: He is worried that I will be hit every day, and I am always afraid that he will cheat. I can't stand it!

1 1. A former county magistrate had little ink in his stomach. A newly assigned college student worships Lu Xun, so he puts a photo of Lu Xun under the desk glass. After the director found out, he said to him earnestly: Young people, learn more about Marxism-Leninism and Chairman Mao's works; If you want to show them, you should also show their photos. How could you put your grandfather here?

12. In the country, a little boy was sweating all over and pulling a cow. Passers-by tourists asked curiously, where are you taking the cow? 〞

Go to the neighboring village to breed with cows. 〞

Can't your father do such a thing? 〞

The boy shook his head again and again: "No, it must be a bull!" " ! 〞

13, village notice: centralized sow "artificial insemination". Aunt took the sow to the yard of the veterinary station, and the veterinary comrade pointed to the patio and said to her, "Tie it there and bring it back later." 〞

Seeing that the patio was dirty, the aunt hesitated for a while and asked, "Is this good?" Or I'll get you a straw. 〞

"No, no, for a while. 〞

After a while, the aunt went to get the sow back, and the comrade said to her, "All right! This time, I promise to have twelve babies. 〞

Aunt looked puzzled and said, "Twelve is good, but they are all natural comrades. How much are you selling this pig? " ? 〞

14, the doctor and the dean were transferred to gynecology, secretly pleased. The next day, I received dozens of female patients and had an erection for eight hours in a row. My wife pestered me to have sex at night, but she was impotent. I suddenly realized: fuck it! Was blindsided by the leader again!

15, my sister is on a business trip. In the evening, brother-in-law and sister-in-law chat in the living room. My brother-in-law asked, what is your after-tax income? "Sister-in-law blushed and whispered," Sleep with my brother-in-law, and pay for it! 〞

16, imagine the election in the United States: if Hillary is elected president of the United States, the coolest thing is Clinton-he has been president of the United States for eight years, and he can be president of the United States for at least four years!

17, in the late period of the Cultural Revolution, the public security law was not restored and perfected, and arresting people was completely approved by the director. We have a young policeman getting married there, and send a report to the director. The director, who is playing cards, signed four words with a stroke of the pen: agree to arrest!

18, Mr. C came back from a trip to Hainan. I asked him if he had been to Wanquan River, and he said he had, and he saw many female soldiers. Then added a sentence in my ear: all yellow!

19, a medical university student went to a rural hospital as an intern and didn't know how to speak rural dialect. Once, I saw a sister-in-law and told her not to have sex with her husband. Sister-in-law didn't understand, explained for a long time, and stressed: "My husband's surname is Zheng!" " 〞