Please give me a good joke and don’t fool me with some cliche and unfunny stuff.

The old couple went to take pictures, and the photographer asked: "Uncle, do you want side light, backlight, or full light?" The uncle said shyly: "I don't care, can I leave it for your aunt?" A pair of underpants? "

4. Two old couples had a sudden idea while having dinner one day: eat naked! Find the feeling you had before! After taking off her clothes, the old woman said: I still have a reaction! The breasts are still as hot as when they were young! The old man glanced sideways and said: It drooped into the soup!

5. Four mice brag: A: I eat rat poison as candy every day; B: I don’t step on a mouse for a day and make my feet itchy; C: I don’t feel safe on the street only a few times a day; D. : It’s getting late. Let’s go home and pick up the cat.

6. The sky is blue, the sea is deep, and none of what a man says is true; love is eternal, blood is bright red, and a man cannot survive without fighting; if a man is rich , and everyone is destined, a man can be relied upon, and a pig can climb a tree.

7. A group of ants climbed onto the elephant's back, but were shaken off. Only one ant held on to the elephant's neck tightly. The ants below shouted: strangle him to death. Choke him to death, little boy, and you fucking did it the other way!

8. A child stole a parrot raised in a brothel home. As soon as he entered the door, the parrot screamed: Moving! When he saw his mother, he yelled again: The boss has changed too! When he saw his sister, he shouted again: "The lady has changed too!" When he saw his father, he yelled again: We are still a regular customer!

9. Life is a long road, who can take a few steps! The family needs to be taken care of, and the lover needs to be taken care of! There is a cook at home, a kind-hearted person outside, a good-looking person sitting across the table, and someone I miss far away! Keep two, keep one, and develop three, four, five, six, seven!

10. A puppy climbed up on your dining table and crawled towards a roast chicken. You said angrily: I will do whatever you dare to do to that roast chicken, but the result is small. The dog licked the chicken's butt and you fainted. The dog happily said: Let's see who is cruel.

11. Legend has it that tonight, the ghost is lingering, the dead light appears again, and the ghost is wandering around! May the ghost hear my call, come to celebrate your birthday in the middle of the night, touch your face with a pale face, green eyes, and dry hands, and say to you on my behalf: Good night!

13. You were walking on the road, and a female dog pounced on you, bit a piece of meat from your foot, and swallowed it quickly. When you stretched out your foot and was about to kick her, the dog said with tears in her eyes: You Fight, I already have your flesh and blood in my belly anyway!

14. The mouse was very depressed without a girlfriend. Finally, a bat agreed to marry him, and the mouse was very happy. Others laughed at his lack of vision. Mouse: What do you know? She is a stewardess after all.

Once upon a time. . . . . . . There is an idiot who wants to laugh but can't. So he (she) posted a question on Baidu. A handsome guy passed by and said coolly: "Have your brains been hit by a pig?~~~~." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bad joke~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Hope you like it~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~

5 mangoes for three children, what’s the explanation? ---------- Shoot 2 to death!

How big is Dad’s belly?

One day, Xiao Ming asked his mother: "Mom, how big is Dad’s belly?" How did it get bigger?" Mom replied, "It's not because of drinking beer!" Xiao Ming's younger brother Xiao Kang said, "It's because of mom!" : "One day, I came back from school and saw my mother blowing the pipe under my father! Really", mother: "...?"

1. You said... you like me? Actually... I started... Actually, I also... Hey, let me tell you, I actually quite like myself.

2. On a summer night, the moon is like a silver plate; the trees are like dancing girls; the wind is like light clothes. I'm standing in the water room. White teeth are clear, the paste is as white as snow, brush your teeth.

3. My interests can be divided into two types: static and dynamic: static is sleeping, and dynamic is turning over.

4. The sea of ????suffering is boundless, but turning back is the end; the article is very long, enter and branch.

5. Just because we have a holiday, you can’t treat me as a holiday.

6. If you do this again in the future, don’t blame me for turning against me!

7. Where you fall, you get up... I always fall there, I suspect there is a pit there!

8. On behalf of the people, I educate you again.

9. "Lian" is a very strong word: its upper part is taken from the "change" of "abnormal", and the lower half is taken from the "state" of "abnormal".

10. There is no word "difficulty" in my dictionary because I don't have a dictionary.

11. I am free, but this is not what I want because I was kicked.

12. If you can’t bear it anymore, you have to bear it all over again.

13. When I think about yesterday, I want to burrow underground.

14. Whoever is in charge today doesn’t even wipe the blackboard.

15. I walk on my single-plank bridge, and you go back to your Gaolaozhuang.

16. If you can't tolerate me, it means either your mind is too narrow, or my personality is too great.

17. Born into poverty, lacking money in the five elements.

18. He knows astronomy from the top and geography from the bottom, but he doesn’t understand English.

19. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, and don’t put all your files on one hard drive.

20. You get what you pay for, and you won’t feel hungry after eating porridge.

21. Standing at the crossroads of life, I am even more hesitant.

Answer: simplejie - Probation Level 1 2009-5-31 00:04

It’s because LZ’s IQ is too high

I collected some of them Not really, but it’s quite funny if you think about it

On the first day, the rabbit went fishing but didn’t catch it.

The next day, he went fishing again and came back empty-handed.

On the third day, he still went fishing. As soon as he put down the fishing rod, the fish jumped out of the water angrily and said: "If you dare to use carrots as bait again, I will slap you to death

What a little brat. ”

A police dog saw an ordinary dog ??coming on the road, and ran to it fiercely and asked: I am a police dog, what are you? Ordinary dogs would look at it with disdain and say: Idiot, look clearly, I am a plainclothes man!

Ge You went to the toilet on the way to eat. When he came back, his pants were wet. Friend: Why are his pants wet? Ge You: Often! My friend was puzzled. Ge You: Often the person next to him is peeing and suddenly turns around and shouts: Damn it! Isn't this Ge You? !

Zhu Bajie was making out with Chang'e on the moon. Suddenly a black shadow passed by. Zhu Bajie hurriedly picked up the nail rake and chased him out. After a while, he came back and said: Damn it, Yang Liwei ......

Once while playing mahjong on a hot day, the power suddenly went out, so I had to buy candles to continue playing. After half an hour, the heat was unbearable, and one person said: "It's better." Turn on the electric fan, it's too hot." Another person said: "Don't turn it on, it will blow out the candle."

There were many people watching the traffic accident, and the reporter couldn't squeeze in, so he had an idea and shouted. : I am the son of the injured, please give way! The onlookers quickly got out of the way, and the reporter saw that it was a donkey that was crushed to death.

Teacher: "How to distinguish the hands and feet of an octopus?" Student: "If you fart for it to smell, the hands that will cover its nose are the hands, and the others are the feet.

Buy Oranges, boss: One dollar and a pound. Me: It’s five dollars for three pounds. Boss: No, no.

Shanglian: The wind is blowing, the rain is falling, I’m waiting for your call. . Second line: Live for you, die for you, wait for you forever. Hengbiao: Wrong person.

Our general manager’s surname is Zhou. One time he called me while I was driving. When I was nervous, I opened my mouth and said: "Premier Zhou..."

Judge: Why did you print a fake letter? Money? The criminal said innocently: Because I can't print real money!

Someone picked up Aladdin's magic lamp. So after a few quick wipes, the devil appeared

The devil said: "My master, you have three wishes."

The man was ecstatic and said happily, "My The first wish is to become very white; the second wish is that all women cannot live without me; the third wish is that I want to know the secrets of all women."

The devil said. "I obey your orders, my master."

There was a "boom" and a flash of light, and the man luckily turned into a pack of sanitary napkins.

When we arrived at the platform, the car had already started. So I had to chase and shout: "Master, wait for me! Master, wait for me! At this time, a passenger stuck his head out of the window and said to me: Bajie, please stop chasing...

Five Yuan was kidnapped by a criminal gang, and he called Hundred Yuan: "Hey! Your son is here. If you don’t want us to break up the vote, just trade yourself for him! "The hundred-yuan note thought for a moment and said, "Tear it up. If you tear it up, you won't even have 5 yuan!"

A man was starving to death in the desert when he picked up the magic lamp. Magic Lamp: "I can only fulfill one wish of yours. Say it quickly. I'm in a hurry." Man: "I want a wife..." The Magic Lamp immediately transformed into a beautiful woman, and then said disdainfully: "I'm almost starving to death." Covetous for beauty! How pitiful!" After saying that, he disappeared. Person: "...Bread.

A man went fishing by the river and first pierced a leaf. No fish took the bait for a long time, so he changed it to a piece of bread. Again, no fish took the bait for a long time. He had no choice but to change it. Earthworm~ Still no fish took the bait for a long time~~ In anger, he took out 100rmb, threw it into the water and cursed: "*—# What do you want to eat!" Go buy it yourself! ! !

"I can't see things that are too far away," the patient said to the ophthalmologist. "Please come with me," the doctor took the patient outside, pointed at the sun in the sky, and asked, "What do you think that is?" "The sun," the patient replied. "Then how far do you want to see!

A man met God one day. God suddenly became kind and planned to give the man a wish... God asked... Do you have any wish? ..The man thought for a while...I heard that cats have 9 lives...then please give me 9 lives...God said...your wish comes true...One day, that man I was bored... I wanted to just die... Anyway, I had 9 lives, so I just lay on the railroad tracks... But a train drove past... The man was still dead... This Why? Because there are 10 carriages in that train...

Father: "Whenever guests come, you must listen to me carefully whether I ask you to take cigarettes or not." ”

Son: “I don’t understand what you mean.”

Father: "That is to say, when guests come, I say 'bring cigarettes' and you do it; I say 'bring cigarettes'

and you do it." Go and don't come back.

The chicken said to the cow: "What kind of world is this? People practice family planning, but my master forces me to lay more eggs every day. Do you think I am unfair?" The cow said to the rooster: "Are you still unjust?" You tell me how many people have sucked my breasts, but not one of them calls me mom.

”

Tongji Law Department Final Examination: “Try to list and explain the difference between ‘law’ and ‘law’ in the word law? ”

A female student answered: “Of course it’s different. If I tell my mother that my boyfriend is a ‘lawyer’, she will be very happy; if I tell her that my boyfriend is a ‘mage’, she will definitely Slap me to death! ”

Q: What do African cannibal chiefs eat?

ANSWER: People!

Q: If one day, the chief is sick and the doctor tells him If he wants to be a vegetarian, what should he eat?

Answer: Vegetarian food!

One day, a travel enthusiast came to Mount Tai and wanted to climb to the top of the mountain to watch the sunrise. He climbed to the top of the mountain. But the weather played a trick on him and it was covered with clouds for four consecutive days. He endured four days of hard work, and the sun finally came out on the fifth day. The tourist endured four days to see the sunrise. , so happy! She even jumped up and down shouting and cheering: I saw it, I saw it...! At the same time, a woman who was urinating in the grass came out with her pants turned up, red-faced and shouted, "I see it, I see it..." When you see it, you see it, what are you shouting?"

That day, you broke up with your girlfriend. You were in a very bad mood.

You looked up: the sky was dark...

You look up to the sky and sigh: God, are you sad for me too! Are you crying for me too? Otherwise, how could the rainwater falling in my mouth be salty?

You seem to be comforted...and your mood is much better.

You raise your head again: Damn, who is peeing upstairs... .

There are 4 steamed buns in the refrigerator.

One day, the third person said to the second person: Look, the fourth guy has hair all over his body, let’s stay away from him. !

The fourth one shouted: Bastard, what are you talking about? I am a kiwi!

There is a tribe who never wears underwear. The tourists advised them: Wearing underwear is very hygienic. It was also very warm. So I put it on, but I didn’t take it off when I had a bowel movement. I looked back and saw that it was so clean and there was nothing there. Once I sat down, it was really warm.

The prisoner did it. During the execution, the bullets were produced by "XX County" and the quality was very poor. The first shot was not fired, and then the second shot... and the third shot were fired. At this time, the prisoner knelt down and cried: "You should strangle me to death." , so damn scary!

A person got airsick and vomited when he got on a plane for the first time. The flight attendant took an empty bag, and when she saw it was almost full, she went to get another bag, and told the passenger "Don't vomit." But when I came back, I saw it all over the place. When asked why, the passenger replied: "Didn't you say you can't vomit randomly? I saw it was almost full, so I took another sip, and everyone around me vomited..."

A guest came to the farm, and the owner wanted to kill the rooster, but the rooster flew up to the roof and would not come down. The owner yelled: If you don’t come down, I will kill all the hens. I will make your life worse than death!

The rooster laughed wildly: Wow! I am so scared? If you dare to kill the hens, I will find pheasants!

The cow calls the sheep. Sheep: "Hey, who are you?" Cow: "It's me, cow." Sheep: "Fuck, who are you?" Cow: "Fuck, I'm cow!" Sheep: "Fuck, who the hell are you? Who?" Niu: "I'm cow!"

Husband: "Why did God make women... so beautiful but also so stupid?" Wife: "The reason is very simple. Make us beautiful and you will love us, make us stupid and we will love you. "Husband...

The bar sells the new product "Heartache" for 1 yuan a cup. The curious person bought a cup, and it really felt heartbreaking: it was just a cup of boiled water.

1: Why should I kill you, my love?

2: The cashier said: I have no change, so I’ll give you two plastic bags!

3: My advantage is: I am very handsome; but my disadvantage is: I am not obviously handsome.

4: What is happiness? Happiness is when cats eat fish, dogs eat meat, and Ultraman fights little monsters!

5: Others pretend to be good, but I have to pretend to be experienced.

6: I am a fat person, not a rough person.

7: If Taiwan is not recovered for a day, I will not be able to reach level 4!

8: If the sun doesn’t come out, I won’t go to work; if it does, I’ll continue to sleep!

9: Running snail.

10: Every morning when I get up, I read the "Forbes" rich list. If my name is not on it, I go to work.

11: Talking about money doesn’t hurt feelings, but talking about feelings hurts money the most.

12: I curse you for buying instant noodles without seasoning packets for the rest of your life.

13: The accountant said: "You can come and collect your salary later, I don't have any change."

14: Can you tell I put on powder?

15: Even though you are wearing cologne, I can still smell a faint smell of scum.

16: My name is Rain, and my nickname is Runtu.

17: Please give me a serving of Yangzhou fried rice, more chopped green onion, a little salt, and an extra egg, take it away.

18: Once I was on the street, a group of girls stopped me. They said I was handsome, but I refused to admit it, so they beat me and called me hypocritical.

19: Both homely and rotten, the future is uncertain.

20: Make a cup of Sanlu for the party.

21: The most mysterious department in history: the relevant departments.

22: It is undeniable that mosaics are the biggest obstacle to the progress of human nude art in this century!

23: There are only two things I can’t do in my life: I can’t do this, and I can’t do that.

24: Others have a background, but I have a back view.

25: The ideal of meat, the destiny of cabbage.

26: White horse... where did you die! Did you lose the prince and dare not come to see me?

27: When your mother gave birth to you, did she throw away the placenta and raise it?

28: Don’t mistake shrimps for seafood.

29: I am an angel. The reason why I cannot go back to heaven is because of my weight.

30: Is your father’s cousin?

31: Picking up girls is like chatting with her on QQ. If you coax her for 2 hours a day, you will soon be able to enjoy the sun.

32: There are too many liars and not enough fools.

33: I am the princess who cuts thorns and kills dragons on the road, travels across rivers and climbs to the top of the tower, and is responsible for kissing you awake.

34: I am smiling to the sky, and after I finish laughing, I go to sleep.

35: Your mobile phone is cheaper than the phone bill.

36: The road is long and long, so let’s fight it.

37: My life has side A and side B, your life has side S and side B.

38: We are not afraid of Touer bringing tools, but we are afraid that Touer understands technology!

39: Failure is not terrible, the key is success.

40: Today’s college students are so unqualified! I came here to copy a piece of wool, but I actually used shearing!

41: Go and learn Feng Shui when you have time. Having a good tomb after your death can make up for the regret of not being able to afford a good house during your lifetime.

42: It’s easy to hide when you are exposed, but hard to guard against when you are undercover.

43: Buddha said: You two are great guys!

Let me come in and laugh too

I laughed to death

My jokes are very short

Wish Valley

It is said that there is a wish valley. As long as you tell your wish and jump down into the valley, you will get what you want. The three of them learned the secret of this valley and came here.

The first man was a pervert. He shouted, Beauty, I want a beauty. A carp jumped into the valley. When he saw the valley full of beauties waiting for him, he shed tears of emotion.

The second man was a nerd. He also shouted, "Books, books, books..." and then jumped down the valley. He also saw that the valley was full of books, and he also shed tears of emotion.

The third person was not lewd and did not like reading. After thinking for a long time, he decided that the money was more practical, so he was about to jump into the valley. At this time, he accidentally tripped over a stone. He said, oh, shit! Accidentally fell into the valley...

The following jokes were collected by me, and they all made me laugh.

If they can’t make you laugh, then It’s not a matter of whether the joke is not funny.

1. One night, a naked man hailed a taxi. The female driver stared at him intently. The naked man was furious and shouted: You didn’t fucking Have you ever seen a naked man? The female driver was also furious: Let me see where you got the money from!

9. Do you have a TV over there? Now hurry up and watch CCTV. Zhao Benshan was killed in the bombing. Pol.ice blocked the Northeast. 19 people died, 11 people were missing, and 1 person was deceived!

12. Wolf pups are vegetarian from birth. Wolf parents and wolf mothers racked their brains to train their wolf cubs to hunt. Finally, the Sirius parents were delighted to see their son chasing the rabbit. The wolf cub grabbed the rabbit and said fiercely: Boy! Hand over the carrot!

17. I saw a penny on the side of the road. Just as I was about to bend down to pick it up, it turned out to be phlegm. Damn it, who vomited it so roundly?

18. When the nurse saw a patient drinking in the ward, she walked over and whispered to him: "Be careful!" The patient smiled and said: "Baby."

20 .Someone was riding a bicycle on the street, crossed an intersection, and moved forward. When the traffic police saw it, they exclaimed: "Good palm!" Someone waved happily and replied: "Good job, comrades!"

22. In a junior high school mathematics class, the teacher was talking about equation transformations and rolled up his sleeves on the podium. He shouted loudly: Attention, students! I'm going to transform! ...

24. The doctor asked the patient how he broke the bone. The patient said, "I felt there was sand in my shoes, so I shook my shoes by holding on to the telephone pole." F*ck, a bastard passed by and thought I was electrocuted, so he picked up a wooden stick and gave me two sticks!

7 In junior high school, the character read "The White-Haired Girl"

A boy ( Yang Bailao): Pulled two kilograms of red-tipped rope and tied it up for Xi'er...

Teacher: It's not like mummy...

14 Once while playing mahjong on a hot day, there was a sudden power outage. I had no choice but to buy a candle and continue fighting. After half an hour, the heat was unbearable. One person said: "Let's turn on the electric fan, it's too hot." Another person said: "Don't turn it on. Turning it on will destroy the candle." "Blow out."

16 The teacher talked about radioactive elements in the physics class and said: Radioactive elements are very dangerous, and you humans must stay away from them! !

The graduation project of 22 students is made of red cloth into a phoenix shape and sewn on a black robe-like garment.

The defending teacher asked: Why is the phoenix made of red instead of other colors? ?

When the classmate got excited, he blurted out: Because the phoenix is ??burning with desire!! (I guess he meant to say that he was reborn from the ashes). 3 seconds later, the classmate who came to watch the defense laughed wildly, and I laughed so hard that I couldn’t stop laughing. Twisted!

24 I bought WSJ for LP, but after looking at the store for a long time I didn’t know what to buy, so I just took a pack and asked the store owner: "Boss, is this useful?" The boss (male) ) looked at me blankly for 5 seconds and said: "I have never used this before!"

25 I heard from my classmates,

Once a girl in their dormitory went to buy sanitary ware. Towels,

Tell the boss: A pack of sanitary napkins.

The boss actually asked: Do you want fresh food or spicy food?

Then the classmate was stunned for a moment and said: Let’s have three fresh dishes, I’m afraid I won’t be able to stand the spicy food. . .

33 I have a friend who has just watched "The Legend of the Condor Heroes" and is very interested in the "dog-beating stick method" and often makes jokes with others.

One day, he did it again as usual.

He kicked someone else and shouted: "Kick the dog!" Everyone laughed wildly, and he felt embarrassed, so he kicked him again and shouted: "Kick the dog!"

49 and a gang Friends were having dinner

One of them was probably betrayed by his brother. He was so depressed that he drank a lot of beer, then stood up with a red face and yelled

Brother! Not for sale! ! !

I guess I wanted to say that brothers are not for betrayal

At that time, there were more than a dozen people at our table and they all fell down