A lively joke

The supermarket guide sold me a kind of chocolate. I asked how much is a box of 400 grams? "80。" The shopping guide girl answered.

"Mom, it's so expensive." I blurted out and waved quickly.

Not far away, I heard her say to a colleague on the other side, "You see, my life changed when I heard the high price."

Mother Mosquito: "What's the matter with you, son?" The little mosquito cried and said, "Today, the little fly bullied me and called me a bloodthirsty vampire." Mother mosquito: "Ignore it, their family is not a good thing, they all grew up eating shit."

A tramp was stopped by a robber while walking at night. The robber shook his head and shouted, "Money or death."

The tramp thought, I can't support myself. Why do I need another life? I might as well ask for some money, so he said to the robber, "I still want money."

When the wife was cleaning the room, she found a photo of her husband and a strange woman and asked her husband what was going on. The husband said disapprovingly, "This is a photo taken with my girlfriend five years ago. I have already broken up with her."

The wife said loudly, "Did you put on the sweater I knitted for you five years ago last year?"

One day, Xiaoming took tomatoes, watermelons and strawberries to the streets. At the crossroads, tomatoes were run over by a car. Xiao Ming said, "Ha ha ha! Ketchup! " At another intersection, the watermelon was hit. Xiao Ming said, "Ha ha ha! Watermelon juice! " At the third intersection, Xiao Ming was run over by a car. Strawberry said, "Ha ha ha! Scum! "

I came home late at the weekend. As soon as I entered the door, my wife asked me, "How come I didn't go home until 7 o'clock?"

I said, "I attended a press conference this afternoon." My wife rummaged through my bag and said, "What cloth? I just want to make a pair of pants. "

A couple love each other very much.

What are you thinking now?

As you can imagine.

The woman immediately slapped the man and scolded him: you rascal!

Wal-Mart's perch costs 9 yuan a catty, and when it dies, it costs 7 yuan and two pieces of ice, just as fresh. A brother rushed to buy it after work, but it was often bought. One brother stood in front of the fish tank and waited, sometimes one died for a long time.

A brother fished it in with a net and hit the fish on the head with his hand.

The waiter couldn't stand it anymore. He came over to his brother and said, "Sir, those who passed out don't count ..."

A farmer went to a car sales center and saw him take out 2000 yuan and pat it on the table: "Give me a Santana." The salesman was surprised: "You don't have enough money!" The farmer is puzzled: "Isn't Santana 2000 written outside?" Shop assistant: "oh ... then go out and turn right." That company's Mercedes is only 600! " "

Two Beijingers meet.

"What's your name?"

"I dare not say, I am afraid that you will eat it."

"Last name is Fan?"

"No."

"Last name?"

"Not yet."

"Then what's your last name?"

"History."

Going to take a shower, people around me asked me: How old are you? A dozen?

I was glad to say that I was 27 years old.

She was frightened: I don't like it!

Looked me up and down several times, and he said, your chest hasn't developed well, so why are you 27!

1, these days, people are worried about housing, developers are worried about selling houses, entrepreneurs are worried about calculating houses, producers are worried about box office, officials are worried about second houses, men are worried about private houses, women are worried about breasts, the elderly are worried about renting houses, hospitals are worried about delivery rooms, getting married in new houses, and people are worried about demolition houses. Hey! Sex is really depressing!

2, men like golf, because the scenery of each hole is different, even if the same hole, there are different practices; Women like golf because every stroke feels different, even if the strength and angle of the same stroke are different, it feels different!

3. Some portraits of "smart people":

When no one fought for his interests, he put up with it.

He watched someone fight for his interests.

When someone won benefits for him, he said, "I deserve it."

When someone tried to fight for his interests, he said, "I said it was useless, but he still didn't believe me."

When someone fought for his interests and was persecuted, he said, "Look at him, this day will come sooner or later."

There are more and more "smart people" now!

4, shocking hospitalization course record:

The patient is conscious, in good mental state, able to eat and drink, and the knife edge is growing gratifying.

Today, the weather is warm. I went on a tour with the director. The director asked the patient how he was, and the patient said he was fine. The director smiled, and so did the patient. ...

The director braved the heavy snow and walked into the ward, holding the patient's hand tightly and asking, Lao Wang, are you better today?

The director made rounds and said nothing today!

First, the difference of education.

How to cook braised pork?

Undergraduate students said to put the meat in the pot and add something to cook;

Graduate students say this is not enough, how much meat, how much other spices, how to cook, how long to cook;

After a month, the doctor published a book called How to Cook Braised Pork, and opened the catalogue, "Chapter 1, How to Raise Pigs".

Second, 1. Chess tells you: everything is to stay handsome.

2. Mahjong tells you that everything you do is only for your own success.

Go tells you that everything is either one or the other, and anything is possible.

4. Military chess tells you that the official level can really crush people.

Beijing opera tells you that all roles have been solidified, from division of labor to manners.

Third, in life, there are many fleeting moments, such as saying goodbye at the station, just hugging each other, and in the blink of an eye, you will reach the whole world. Most of the time, you don't understand, and neither do I. That's it. When you talk, you change. Listening is tiring. I'm tired of watching it. You will slow down when you follow. When you walk, you spread out. When you love, you fade. I forget it when I think about it.

Each of us is like a clown, playing with five balls, which are your work, health, family, friends and soul. Only one of these five balls is made of rubber, which will rebound when it falls, and that is work. The other four balls are all made of glass. If they fall to the ground, they will break.

1. When we were young, we cried and laughed. When we grew up, we laughed and cried. . .

2. When going out, remember never to leave anything behind, that is, "reach for money" (extension: ID card, hand: mobile phone, key, money: wallet).

My name has been published countless times. The first article I wrote was published in the newspaper. Others exposed my plagiarism because of Fang.

4, the deceased is like a husband, not giving up day and night ... A classmate translated: The man who died seems to be my husband, all day long.

5. You know the earthquake, tsunami, nuclear pollution, salt reserves, national quality, the situation in Libya, the interest chain of the United States, Britain and France, and the air raid war. This proves that you are knowledgeable and important. You turned out to be a brother!

6, just changed the high-definition satellite TV, Niu X, just different. I have never seen the words "no satellite signal" so clearly.

7. It is often heard that no one can live without money. I've never heard of anyone who can't live without anyone.

8, Cui Yongyuan said, telling the truth three elements: courage, knowledge, rabies vaccine.

9. If you want to learn sex education well, you have to take a chemistry class. . . . Do more experiments

10, the leader inspected "Jiangyin Wool Textile Factory" and asked the director with concern: Are the raw materials easy to handle?

1 1. I have never been a thief, but I want to steal happiness for you! I haven't lied to anyone, but I want to lie to you about happiness! Never hurt anyone, but I want to give you a happy turn! I have never depended on anyone, but I want to deprive you of peace! Happy May Day!

12, there is a saint named Joan of Arc in France. It is a fact that there are many leftover women in China.