Classic joke

1. A patient came to see a psychiatrist.

Patient: I always thought I was a bird.

Doctor: Oh, that's serious. When did it start?

Patient: Because I am a bird.

2. A doctor in a mental hospital asked the patient: What would you do if I cut off one of your ears?

The patient replied, then I can't hear you.

The doctor listened: mm-hmm. It is normal.

The doctor asked again, what will happen to you if I cut off your other ear again?

The patient replied, then I won't watch it.

The doctor is getting nervous. How could he not see it?

The patient replied: because the glasses will fall off.

There are two mental patients who escaped from the hospital.

They run and run. They climbed a tree.

One of them jumped from the tree.

Go away, go away.

Then he looked up and said to the man above, hey-why don't you come down?

The man above answered him: no-good-ah-

I'm not familiar with it.

There is an old lady in a mental hospital.

Wear black clothes and hold a black umbrella every day.

Squatting in front of a mental hospital.

The doctor thought: to cure her, we must start from understanding her.

So the doctor was dressed in black, took a black umbrella and squatted there with her.

The two spent a month in silence.

The old lady finally spoke to the doctor:

Excuse me-

Are you a mushroom, too

The doctor in the mental hospital wants to talk to a mental patient who is about to leave the hospital to confirm whether the patient has fully recovered.

Reply.

Doctor: What are you going to do after you leave the hospital?

Patient: smash all the windows in your hospital with stones.

When the doctor heard about it, he found that the patient had not fully recovered, so he decided to continue the treatment. After a few months, the doctor felt that the patient seemed to be able to leave the hospital and decided to talk to him again.

Doctor: What are you going to do after you leave the hospital?

Patient: Get a job.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Making money.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Save money.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Marry a wife.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: The bridal chamber.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take off her clothes.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take off her pants.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take off her underwear.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take out the rubber band in your underwear, make a slingshot and find some stones to smash all the windows in your hospital.

6. Two mental patients, A Jun and B Jun, recovered at the same time. Their doctor in charge said to them, "If one of you is ill, the other one will take him to the hospital immediately."

Suddenly one day, the doctor's phone rang. It turned out to be Mr. A: "Great, Mr. B has been crawling in my toilet since this morning." "Come on, send him here quickly!" A gentleman was silent for a moment: "So … I don't have a toilet?"

In a mental hospital, a mental patient fishes in an empty fish tank every day.

One day, a nurse jokingly asked, "How many fish did you catch today?"

The mental patient suddenly jumped up and shouted, "What's wrong with you? Didn't you see it was an empty fish tank? "

8. There is a mental hospital where many mental patients live.

One day, the dean was there, and in order to see the patient's recovery, he thought of a way. He said to these patients, you

Everyone came and drew a door on the wall and said, "Today, whoever opens this door can go home."

Hearing this, the psychopaths swarmed around the door of the painting. The dean was very disappointed, and then he found one.

A patient was still sitting in his original position, feeling ok, so he went forward and asked, "Why didn't you open the door?"

He looked at what the dean said and made the dean laugh and cry.

The patient secretly told the dean, "I have the key here."

9. Mental patients in hospitals often have a good impression on doctors or nurses.

One day, a female patient came to see a male doctor. ...

Female patient: Dr. Lan, do you love me?

Dr. Lan pondered for a long time (in order not to hurt the patient and avoid the deterioration of his condition)

Dr. Lan: We have a doctor-patient relationship. Because you are ill, I must take good care of you. ...

In order not to hurt the patient, Dr. Lan explained for a long time and finally finished. )

Female patient: Dr. Lan, you mean you don't love me anymore?

Dr. Lan (brooding): Hmm … hmm … hmm …

Female patient: Nothing … I love Dr. Chen …

10. Snakes, ants, spiders and centipedes play mahjong at home. After eight laps, the cigarette was finished. Let's discuss who to buy cigarettes for. The snake said, I have no feet. I'm not going. Let the ants go. The ant said: A spider has eight feet, more than mine. Let the spider go. The spider said: I can't beat the centipede with more feet. Release the centipede. The centipede was helpless, thinking: No way, who let me have more feet? So the centipede went out to buy cigarettes ... for more than an hour, the centipede didn't come back. Two hours later, the centipede didn't come back to buy cigarettes. So everyone let the spider go out and have a look. As soon as the spider went out, he saw the centipede sitting at the door. The spider was very angry and asked, why don't you go? Everyone is waiting. The centipede was also anxious and said, nonsense! You have to wait for me to put on my shoes! ! !

1 1. In a mental hospital, two people are talking: "What about my novel?" "Yes, there are just too many people." Then the nurse shouted to them, "Hey, you two put the phone book back quickly."

12. A farmer's daughter was too ugly to marry, so the farmer had to let her work as a scarecrow in the corn field to scare crows. As a result, when she got there, she not only scared away the crows, but even scared three crows to send back the corn they had stolen before.

13. When the leaders visited the countryside, the village head asked the farmers to shout slogans and repeat the last two words. When the leader came, the township head shouted "Stop whoring" and the farmers responded "whoring! Hey! "

14. A kebab was transferred to the fire chemical industry, and was fired in a few days because he kept asking the family of the deceased:

How do you want it done?

15. A fat girl asked the racecourse manager: Strange, when did a camel come to your racecourse, and it was bimodal?

Librarian: To tell the truth, this is not a camel, but the horse you rode last time.

16. I'm too short. Oh? How short is it? A: Originally, I starred in Wu Dalang in Water Margin. B: Then.

So short? A: But the director said, "You are not tall enough."

17. It is said that there is a polar bear. Because the snow is too dazzling, he has to wear sunglasses to see things.

But he couldn't find sunglasses, so he crawled around on the ground with his eyes closed, looking, crawling, crawling.

Before I found sunglasses, my hands and feet were dirty.

Put on sunglasses and look in the mirror, only to find: Oh, I'm a panda.

18, Xiaobai, Xiao Huang and Xiaolan take a long-distance bus. Who gets carsick?

Answer: Xiao Bai, because Xiao Bai will vomit (white rabbit).

19. What animal falls most easily?

Fox, because he is the most cunning.

20. What about Xiaoming? He will have an exam tomorrow, but he is watching TV in the evening.

Xiao Ming's mother asked anxiously: Have you finished all the books? There will be an exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming replied brightly: Mom, I finished reading it.

Xiao Ming's mother praised Xiao Ming happily: Good boy, then you must do well in the exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming cried and said, Mom, I mean,' Mom, I think it's over'.

2 1. A businessman and his friends were invited to a professor's house for dinner. During the dinner, a guest asked him

Do you like Shakespeare? He replied, "Yes, but I prefer whisky." Everyone was speechless.

On the way home, his friend said, "You are so stupid. Why did you mention whisky? " ? Everyone knows that, Shakespeare.

Asia is not wine. This is a piece of cheese. "

23. A man went to the drugstore, took out his gun, announced the robbery, and then took out a big bag and put it on his head.

Then, he found that he forgot to punch a hole in the bag.

24. Mr. Keith caught a thief and said, "Why did you steal a woman's money and take it with you?"

"Don't be wrong, I will not only steal women, but also steal men." The thief said with grievance.

25. Mother: "Son, go and kiss the new teacher."

Son: "I'm not going." Dad kissed her just now and she slapped her in the face. "

26. In Germany, schools are getting bigger and bigger. So many principals insist that it is an honor to remember the names of children who have studied in their school.

At another party, a headmaster recognized one of his former students: "Oh, you are Lerwill Miller. Are you in the sixth grade of 1964? "

"Exactly, Mr. President." The young man said.

"You see, I have never forgotten my students." The headmaster proudly said, "So, where do you work now?"

The young man blushed: "I am a teacher in your school now, Mr. President."

27. Top ten screen names that confuse administrators.

1. Name it "I don't know"

Whistleblower: "Administrator, I report"

Administrator: "Who?"

Whistleblower: "I don't know"

Administrator: ". . . Get out. . . . "

Named "Please Wait"

Whistleblower: "Administrator, I report"

Administrator: "Who?"

Whistleblower: "Please wait"

Administrator: "OK, hurry up!" " "

In a minute. . .

Administrator: "Who is it?"

Whistleblower: "Please wait! ! ! "

Administrator: "Wait for you, get out." . . . . "

3. Say its name: "It's me"

Whistleblower: "I report! ! ! "

Administrator: "Who?"

Whistleblower: "It's me"

Administrator: "Good, that's all. . Seal! "

Whistleblower: ". . . Help! . . . . "

4. Say it: "I lied to you"

Whistleblower: "the administrator I reported"

Administrator: "Report again? Who? "

Whistleblower: "I lied to you"

Administrator: "Go home and drink milk when you are full. Go away! " "

5. Name it "Hehehehehehe"

Whistleblower: "Administrator, someone uses the plug-in, and I want to report it."

Administrator: "OK, who is it?"

Reporter: "Hey hey hey"

Administrator: ". . . Who is it, please? "

Reporter: "Hey hey hey"

Administrator: "Somebody, call the mental hospital. . . . "

6. Name it "I am your father"

Whistleblower: "Administrator, someone uses plug-ins."

Administrator: "Who?"

Whistleblower: "I am your father"

Administrator: "I am your grandfather!" " "

7. Name it "Not Me"

Whistleblower: "I reported that someone used a plug-in."

Administrator: "* * *, who is it?"

Whistleblower: "Not me"

Administrator: "? Who's that? "

Whistleblower: "Not me."

Administrator: "You're fucking talking nonsense, not who are you?"

Reporter: Reporter: "Really, not me."

Administrator: "Go to * * *. . . . "

8. Name it "Administrator"

Whistleblower: "Brother Administrator, if someone uses a plug-in, I will report it."

Administrator: "OK, who is it?" Whistleblower: it's the "administrator"

Administrator: "Who? Who are you talking about? "

Whistleblower: "Administrator."

Administrator: "* * *, is it necessary for me to use a plug-in? Kill you! ***。 "

9. Name: "I am dead"

Whistleblower: "Administrator, if someone has a plug-in, I will report it."

Administrator: "Boy, I've been played all day. If you dare to report a false case, I will kill you. Tell me who it is. "

Whistleblower: "I am dead"

Administrator: "You * * *, why bother when you are dead? Come to me when you are alive. "

10. Name: I won't say anything until I die.

Whistleblower: "the administrator I reported"

Administrator: "Report again? Who? "

Whistleblower: "I will not say anything until I die."

Administrator: "*! If you are full and have nothing to do, roll! "

28. Which Chinese character is the coolest?

A: thong (cool).

29. Q: What do African cannibals eat? A: people! Q: Then one day, the chief fell ill and the doctor told him to be a vegetarian. What did he eat? A: Eat vegetables!

30. There is a question in the final exam of a law school: Please explain the difference between "law" and "law" in the word law.

A girl replied: ~ Of course not ~ If I tell my mother that my boyfriend is a lawyer ~ My mother will be very happy ~ If I tell my mother that my boyfriend is a mage ~ My mother will definitely kill me ~

3 1 .. A person has never been on an airplane. His face turned white with fear when he was sitting on the plane. When he heard the noise of the engine, he grasped the armrest of the chair tightly and closed his eyes. Five minutes seems like a century. After hearing nothing, he slowly opened his eyes and looked boldly out of the window.

"It's amazing," he said to his neighbor, "flying so high! You see, these people are like ants. "

"I can only tell you," the neighbor said coldly, "these are real ants. The plane has not taken off yet! "

32. One day. ..

There is a male deer running faster and faster. .........

Run to the finish line ...

He became a "high-speed stag" .....

33. A mung bean fell from the upstairs! Turned into red beans! Why?

Because he's bleeding!

One day, a blind man and a mute were walking in the street. Suddenly, the blind man looked at the dumb.

Blind man: You don't look stupid. ...

Dumb: How do you know? ....

35. The earthworm family had a boring day.

The little earthworm cut himself in two and played badminton.

Mother earthworm cut herself into four pieces and went to play mahjong.

Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into pieces.

Mother earthworm cried and said, "You will die if you cut so hard!" " "

Father earthworm said weakly, "I suddenly want to play football." . . . . . "

36. A ghost ... was walking ... because he was too light ... blown away by the wind ... and died!

Are you depressed? Do you want to go on holiday? Please call 1 10 as soon as possible to win a seven-day stay in the detention center and a trip beyond! Now call to send exquisite handcuffs, fashionable prison clothes, free police car transfer and so on! You can also enjoy a free haircut before 10! Hurry up and act!

38. Psychologist: "You used to think you were Diana, but now you're well enough to leave the hospital!" " "

Patient: "Thank you very much. Please send the list of treatment fees to Prince Charles! " "

/

/f？ KW =%C0%E4%D0%A6%BB%B0