My first half of life was very tiring.

Since the age of nine, my parents have been away from home, and I have been taken care of by my mother. I have started to take care of my younger brothers and sisters, and I have to cook for my grandparents and their family after school. The gap is so big that it is difficult to accept it for a while.

The night our parents left, we slept at grandma’s house. The next day, grandma spread weeds on the empty bed in another room, put a thin sheet on the grass, and placed A quilt, life at grandma's house began.

The aunt next door said that after we went to school, grandma boiled boiled eggs and ate them at the door. Then she took out the bacon and washed it at the door. She asked us if we had any bacon to eat after school. I said Nothing. I have long been accustomed to this kind of life, and I am not surprised at all. I don’t feel any sadness at all.

The first time I cried to ask for something, the only shoe I had was so rotten that my feet couldn’t fit in, and my feet were completely exposed. I cried under the peach tree in front of my door all morning and refused to go to school. I really didn’t have any shoes to wear to school. That was also the first time I skipped class.

No one paid any attention to me all morning. Occasionally, villagers walked by and just pretended to ask what was wrong.

A week later, my grandfather bought a pair of shoes, black nail shoes with hoods. I wore them every day. If there was mud inside, I would pick them out and continue wearing them.

To this day, when I think of my grandfather who has been deceased for many years, I can think of those shoes.

The kids in the same village always bully me. On the way to school, in school, on the way home from school.

To go to and from school, you have to pass through a forest, walk on a cliff, and go down a hillside to reach the school.

Everyone knew that I was afraid. They always made me stand under the ridge while they peed on my head from above. I was left alone in the forest until everyone had run away before I could leave. I was so scared that I cried, but I didn't dare to cry. I heard that when I'm scared, I hold seven stones in my hand and turn my head in a circle, so the ghosts won't dare to come near. Every time I'm scared, I pick up small stones, hold them in my hand, close my eyes and turn them in a circle clockwise...

......

When you get home, prepare the meal, go to the field to help carry things, and when you come back, go to the pond to wash and cook vegetables. After doing this, you have to feed the pigs and put the Pig food for two days is ready.

After the family has eaten, they can do their homework under the kerosene lamp.

Fortunately, electricity was turned on within a few years, and dim yellow lights began to illuminate my path.

Being bullied by classmates and tricked into repeating a grade. The teacher never cares about this. The teacher only asks for your name and gives you the grade-level books.

Looking at them talking and laughing, they also pointed at me and laughed like an idiot.

A flagpole made of bamboo poles and fixed with bricks.

His grades were always at the bottom, and he was deemed "wasted" by the teacher. That was the first time I swore when I saw their smiles. Sitting on the bricks under the flagpole, holding the new book that smelled like books, I cried and swore that I must get ahead in this life.

After half a year of hard work, I started studying every day after taking care of the family. My grandma was reluctant to use electricity, so she studied by moonlight.

Half a year later, he reached the top ten, and a year later, he never dropped out of fourth place.

He has become a leader in the school, from kindergarten to kindergarten, and even every student’s parents, and some even wrote themselves into the article.

The first time I became a class cadre, I became the squad leader, gave various speeches, and welcomed caring people as a student representative...

In school, no one bullied me anymore, but I was afraid. Back to that depressing home.

The family is still the same, the second aunt’s words are unpleasant, the grandmother’s words are suffocating, and the grandmother keeps everything to herself and never cares about it.

The two extremes of school and home are so different that the transition is too tiring. I was getting more and more irritable and tired.

People in the village are always scolding me for treating my grandma badly, and they are pointing with their hands and feet behind my back.

I am afraid to go to work in the fields because I have to go through the village. I'm afraid of seeing people because they are always pointing fingers behind my back. I was afraid to hear any concerning voice because it was a voice calling me names.

It all starts with the classmate from the same village who bullied me.

My sister suddenly had a nosebleed. I ran home and told my grandfather. My grandfather, who never beat us, asked my sister to go home. My sister ran to my grandmother's house in the same village. Grandpa couldn't pick up his sister because everyone said it was grandpa who gave her a nosebleed.

My grandpa asked me to pick up my sister and go home. As soon as I entered my grandma’s house, my grandma and aunt agreed that it was my grandpa who beat me. Forget it. I will never forget that day, I will never forget it. I don’t know what I did wrong. I stood by the door of my aunt’s house, leaning on the door frame, watching them eat (without any intention of asking me to eat), neither entering nor leaving.

The next day, I went to school alone. The classmate asked why I didn’t see my sister with me. I simply replied that she had a nosebleed yesterday and went to her grandma’s house.

She has been bullying others and scolding them in a decent way, just like a little grown-up, because her family is a little richer than others and she is older than us. She tore up my notebook, didn't allow me to hand in my homework so I was punished by the teacher, tricked me into repeating a grade, and asked other students to bring her food...

She had another chance to mess with me...

That afternoon, she told her grandma that I scolded her grandma along the way. Her grandmother and my grandmother were about the same age in the village. Her grandmother told my grandmother, and my nightmare began...

My grandfather was seriously ill, so I went to see him, and I gave him the same care after I went there. That house cleaning, cooking. Some relatives at home went to visit my grandpa. My grandma told me about my grandpa’s condition, and I kept my head down and swept the floor. Grandpa fragilely called me by my nickname and asked me to go to the bedside and look at me. Looking at my grandpa who was tortured by illness, tears streamed down his face, and he didn't dare to respond, fearing that he would choke on his own voice. The snot was very long, and grandpa might have seen it. Grandma, who was sitting by the bed, only looked at the guests and said cursingly: "Her parents raised this baby in vain. She is disobedient and ignorant. Look, her grandpa doesn't even respond when she calls."

I turned around. Then he raised his head and dumped the garbage at the door. He didn't go in again and went home. After that, I only went to my grandma's house once. Before my grandfather passed away, I went to my grandma's house once with my cousin to pick up my uncle.

Grandpa still left, and my uncle and mother came back. After so many years, I saw my mother for the first time, and my grievance suddenly filled my throat...

I hated my parents, but when I saw them, When I get to be a mother, I feel happiness, joy, sadness, hatred, grievance, everything. My mother couldn't even recognize her sister. She asked others whose child this was. At that moment, she hated her mother even more. She would rather she not remember me than forget her sister. When my parents left, my sister was still in my arms...

I didn't want to see her, I avoided her. When she came home, I would go out, and when she went out, I would go home. When it got dark, I would rather stand at the door than go home and see her. She came out with a piece of fruit and gave it to me. I didn't pick it up, and I didn't want to pick it up. I looked at it and wanted to eat it. After taking it, she told me it was a mango. It was the first time I had seen this kind of fruit. I want to eat, but I don’t want her to notice my desire in front of her. After she entered the house, I took a big bite and saw that the astringent skin had a large core and not much pulp at all. My sister came over and told me that it needed to be peeled.

After my grandfather’s funeral, my mother was leaving again. She felt that she didn’t even recognize her sister. She felt sorry for her sister and wanted to take her away.

Before leaving, the family had dinner at my aunt's house...

Because I didn't want to see her, I refused to go. We asked my sister to go to my grandma's house to call me. I just arrived. At the door, I heard the voices of my grandmother and aunts.

Grandma said: "I really don't know how there is such a child. He even scolds his own grandmother. He is really uneducated."

The second aunt continued: "Yes, Our mother is still her own grandmother.”

“Hey, why are you like this?”

…

…

Everyone, your words and my words are so scolding that it makes people shiver.

My cousin is my aunt’s daughter and has been growing up with her grandmother. She looked at me who refused to go in at the door, listened to everyone's voices inside the door, pushed me in, and brought me a bowl of rice.

Instead of squeezing into the table to pick up food, I walked out, squatted down along the door beam, lowered my head and took a bite of the rice, and tears fell into the bowl like a fountain. When my sister and cousin saw this, they went into the house, picked up some food, and put it into my bowl.

After struggling with the rice, I handed the bowl to my sister. I returned to my grandma’s house, picked up my diary, and recorded the whole process. Whenever I am bullied or feel sad, I will write it down, and I will feel better after remembering it.

My hatred for my mother deepened. At that dinner table, I didn’t hear a single word from her to protect me. I only heard her say: “There is nothing I can do after raising such a baby. ”

I hate that she didn’t ask me or understand anything about the whole thing.

On the phone call home, my mother said that grandma was left alone and grandpa had just left. She was very lonely and sad. She asked us to go sleep with grandma at night and not let her be too alone. alone.

I don’t want to do it in every possible way, but I still go to my grandma’s house every night.

One day, my grandma, who never cared about anything, started yelling at us: "I go there every day. I don't know what other people say about you sisters. Your grandma keeps saying that you are here to eat at her house." , I go to her house every day.”

No one pays attention to grandma. Others think that grandma hates grandma, and we think so too. Until one day, I heard people in the village starting to point and say: "Look, look at these sisters, they go to their grandmother's house every day to ask for food."

That was the first time I thought that my grandmother You're right, no matter what my mother says, I don't want to go to my grandma's house again.

Junior high school was in a town about ten kilometers away, and I was eager to count the time. Only after entering junior high school can I leave this home.

The day I was looking forward to finally came, and I finally had the chance to leave. This home is so depressing that I can't breathe.

My parents applied for a card for me, and they would remit money to me. The young people in the village who were away from home always put money for the elderly at home on my card. I didn’t want to go home, but everyone On weekends, either this company or that company needs me to withdraw money and go back to them.

My mother gave me four hundred yuan and asked me to give one hundred yuan to my grandma, two hundred yuan to my grandma, and keep one hundred yuan for myself.

I went home from town after school on Friday, taking a motorcycle ride and walking half the way. After arriving home, I gave one hundred to my grandma and kept one hundred for myself. Grandma was not at home. That day was the Mid-Autumn Festival on August 15th...

Looking at the cold and unpopular home with no one in it, I felt lonely. I was most afraid of the festival. Every household was celebrating the festival, and my parents were not at home. How to celebrate this festival? The house was in a mess, there was no sign of a fire, there was no food, and no food...

After feeling sad for a while, I planned to go back to school. At the back of the school, I could at least rent a room where I could cook. An unseemly festival.

On the way back, I saw my third uncle in the fields. I gave my third uncle the two hundred yuan I had given to my grandma and asked my third uncle to pass it on to my grandma. After the third uncle took the money, he shed tears and said that he had been single all his life and had no children. I was the most sensible, like his daughter, so why should I go back to school? He also thought that when I came home, he would kill the chickens he had raised for a long time for the festival. Looking at my third uncle, this man who had been away from home for more than ten years and had not heard from me for a few years, I couldn't bear to follow him back to my grandma's house for the holidays.

That night, my grandma came back very late. I didn’t want to stay at home, so I went back to school alone the next day. When I returned home the next week, there was a lot of discussion in the village, saying that I was very unfilial and was unwilling to give the two hundred yuan to my grandmother. In the end, I had to pass it to my grandmother through my third uncle.

He said again: "Why is he such a person? He is still like this even at such an old age. He really can't change his attitude towards eating shit. How much hatred does he have towards her grandma? Tsk tsk tsk tsk, stop now I told you, she is here..."

"Tell your children not to get too close to her in the future, for fear of becoming like her."

"Go away, hold the door. Shut it down and go home."

Look, I have become a joke for others to talk about after dinner.

I want to face it, not escape.

Every weekend, I look forward to school. I go home every week.

After my grandfather passed away, the injury on my grandma’s arm became more serious, and she couldn’t do many things. Grandpa’s mother lived next door to my house, and she was also alone. Grandma was the only elderly person in my grandma’s house, and my third uncle lived there. In my former small shabby house, there was no one in my family.

I go home every week, and as long as there is food or something good, I will leave it to my grandma. I thought that if I tried my best to be kind to my grandma, maybe everyone would let me go. When I go back every week, I first help grandma fill the water tank with water, then fill the water tank with ancestor (grandpa’s mother), and then go to grandma’s house to fill the water tank for grandma. Even an old person doesn’t need much water, and it’s basically enough for a week until I come back. In order to pick up water before going back to school, I found two large white buckets filled with paint. I could pick up two full buckets of water at a time, which could save a little time. Every time, it takes me two days to choose. Now that I think about it, I feel bad for myself. When I go home now, I always have a deep memory of the big white bucket, but I already feel that I can’t lift two buckets of water. I can’t figure out how I did it at that time. And at that time, I was still young. During that time, both my ears and feet were injured. I couldn't wear shoes, so I could only wear slippers.

I always cried quietly when I was alone. When my second aunt saw it, she yelled at me, criticized me, and even called my mother to have a big fight with her. Logically speaking, my life has nothing to do with my second aunt's, and I rarely go to her house. She always dislikes us.

My mother came home from Anhui. I don’t know why my mother came home suddenly. Later, I heard that my second aunt called me and yelled at my mother and me. The reason was that I always cried alone in my own home after returning home. She scolded my mother for not being able to discipline her after giving birth, scolded me for not being a human being, and called me all kinds of nasty things. She also yelled that I was a ghost.

My mother had no choice but to go home. My second aunt kept yelling that I was a ghost and asked my parents to call someone to exorcise me. My mother has been a good person all her life and has never had any conflicts with others. I didn’t want to do it anymore, so my mother followed my second aunt’s advice and asked someone to help me exorcise ghosts.

Someone came to my home to practice the method and asked my sister and I to follow their instructions. We got up and did it after falling asleep. It was only a week later that we learned the reason.

That was the second time I swore. I swore I would never cry in front of anyone again. No matter how low my tears were, no matter how sad I was, I would have to hold it back.

Yes, I have never cried in front of anyone. In the eyes of others, the exorcism was successful and I am normal.

Only at night after school, I would cry so much that I couldn’t sleep all night long.

It was also Friday, and I went home again.

There was a variety show about mediation playing on the TV at home. I don’t remember what the show was.

There was a boy in the show. During the entire mediation process, a psychological expert said: "This child's mental illness has reached the edge and he needs the company of his family to prevent him from doing anything that will hurt him." Come.”

Experts also gave several treatment suggestions.

In the disease analyzed by experts, I looked at myself and cried...

Yes, my symptoms have persisted for many years, starting after my parents left home .

No one knows about depression, and this is the first time I know about it. It turns out that I have been sick for many years.

Over the years, I have experienced suicide for the first time, suicide for the second time, and suicide for the third time. It turned out that it was all because I was sick.

I suddenly envied the young man in the show. At least, his family knew that he was sick at this moment and stayed with him under the advice of experts.

I have no one to accompany me. I have been alone for so many years, and I will still walk alone in the next journey.

Yes, I also know that my inability to sleep is called insomnia. I am not only sick, I have also suffered from insomnia for several years. During those years, I was so ignorant that I knew nothing about my symptoms...

I behaved normally while accepting the harm from these hateful people, and then cried at night to vent my pain. While hating these people, I can't bear to hate them because they are family, and try to be the best possible person to everyone.

A person’s depression needs to be endured alone.

Every time I get sick, I will think of that program and the suggestions from the psychologist, and use those suggestions to adjust myself. Slowly, my condition stabilized under self-adjustment and control.

How hypocritical can people be?

My kindness to my grandma is so overloaded that I can hardly hold it in anymore. Everyone just recognized me a little bit.

Even if I have one hundred yuan, I will give my grandma one hundred and one yuan. And no one can do this kind of good, let alone do it.

As time went by, everyone in my family, including my uncle, aunt, cousin, and others, felt that I should do it. In addition to accepting it, everyone began to ask for it, and it was so natural.

In addition to being overloaded, I should give more to them. Even if it’s my fault that I haven’t called to say hello for a month, it’s also my fault that my cousin gave grandma a hundred yuan this month. It was my fault that I bought one less piece of clothing for my grandma.

She scolded me for having a bad temper when I was in a bad mood. Even if I raised my voice, she scolded me for having a bad temper. My second aunt actually used me to scare the children and said, "If you cry again, I will yell at you if you cry again." Your aunt is here, and your aunt is very fierce.”

No one knows that I have never scolded my cousin’s children, let alone hit them, and I have never touched them with a finger. On the contrary, he gave his children food and clothing, and was so kind to his children that he felt sorry for himself.

I need to be careful with them, be gentle and without emotion, and give more without expecting anything in return...

In the eyes of my family, my kindness is worthless. In addition to what I should give to them, I am equal to Doesn't exist. No one has ever cared about me, no one has seen my existence and my dedication. In the words of my cousin: I never worry about you!

In the eyes of my family, I have a bad temper and am nothing but good. In the eyes of my friends and others, I am a good person and have no temper. Two contrasts, two extreme contrasts.

That suffocating place will make you feel depressed when you go back.

When I grew up, I told myself that in the future, I would have to stay far away from others when I got married. This place was too depressing. I have never had contact with people from Shiliba Village, and I even reject them in my heart. Many of those people have hurt me.

I say every time that I won’t be nice to anyone next time, but every time I will go back to the past point. I can’t be cruel to my family, especially my grandma.

Every time I say that, I fail to do it in the end. Some netizens commented: We all come from kindness. Cruel words are said again and again, and cruel things return to kindness.

After more than 20 years of hard work, in the second half of my life, I want to live a serious life for myself. I have forgiven many people, and there are many people who I cannot forgive but can let go of. At least, I don’t hate anyone anymore.

I'm sorry to everyone. Maybe I won't be so unconditional to everyone in the future. It's not that I'm bad, it's just that I'm tired.

Time and experience have told me that it doesn’t matter whether you hate it or not. People will return to zero in the end.

Goodbye, my past self!