Biu joke

The Monkey King was crushed by the Tathagata Buddha at the foot of Wuxing Mountain after a big fight in the Heavenly Palace. "Biwu", 500 years have passed. ...

Guanyin: Wukong!

Wukong: Shit! You again? You've been here once a week for 500 years. Do you know you are bored?

Guanyin: This is your fault. I came here today to tell you a good thing!

Wukong: If you don't let me out, it's impossible. I am very busy now, and the World Wildlife Fund invited me to be the image spokesperson.

Guanyin: Spokesman?

Wukong: Spokesman? Arnold was invited to attend the Special Olympics. I just earned some pocket money.

Guanyin: But you are trapped at the foot of the mountain now?

Wukong: Dashan? If I hadn't given the Tathagata a little face, I would have turned into a fly and flew away. I just need to pay for living in other places. The scenery here is beautiful. When Guanyin MM comes to see me, I have to go to work during the day and come back to sleep at night?

Guanyin: Then why didn't you go to work today?

Wukong: Shit! Weekend, a little solution?

Guanyin: Of course!

Wukong: Then what did you come to tell me today?

Guanyin: Listen. (While speaking, he took out a small notebook from his pocket) Today, the cucumber in Tianzhu vegetable market is 80 cents a catty, which is seven points cheaper than that in Donghai vegetable market. Tomatoes are sold in piles, three pieces in a pile; /kloc-stall 0/6 sells water-injected meat, and I found that I didn't report it. He gave me one and a half yuan less per catty. carrot ...

Wukong: I ... actually ... I don't usually buy food. ...

Guanyin: Oh! Sorry, I turned the wrong page. This is the account book I gave to Tathagata, and this is ... the Monkey King, male, who was crushed at the foot of Wuxing Mountain 500 years ago for making a scene in heaven. Now the aunts of the street management committee in Tianzhu District have raised their hands and voted to assign this person to a monk in the Tang Dynasty as an apprentice. If you don't do it, you will insert ~ ~ ~ his old wood, pour ~ ~ ~ his sulfuric acid, step on his little ass, and cancel his landing authority in www.zhouxingchi.com ... Of course, this matter should be mutually agreed and based on the principle of voluntariness. ...

Wukong: Voluntary? Why not let me get in your way first?

Guanyin: Be content, so that you can at least have a proper birthright, and ...

Wukong: What?

Guanyin: shh ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Wukong: Shh, shh.

Guanyin: Shit! Shh, your mother! I told you not to talk, that monk is coming! I want to go first!

Wukong: Huh? Is this the monk?

Tang Priest: According to the map, it should be here, right?

Wukong: Master!

Tang Priest: Oh? Sure enough, someone! Where are you ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Wukong: Ah! You stepped on my hand!

Tang Priest: Oh, sorry, I didn't notice you, turtle.

Wukong: Tortoise?

Tang Priest: Really? But I really haven't seen a turtle like you with a big shell and an old monkey face.

Wukong: It seems that Guanyin is right. With your IQ, none of you can reach Tianzhu. ...

Tang Priest: Oh? You also know Guanyin? She must be the hottest in this area. I wonder if you know there is a monkey named the Monkey King here?

Wukong: Here is my business card.

Tang Priest: Oh? Your name is the Monkey King, too? What a coincidence! Then you must know someone with the same name nearby?

Wukong: Shit! Think about it with your heel. You should think that I am the monkey you are looking for, right? I'm trapped under the mountain!

Tang Priest: Really? Don't lie to me. Do you think I'm a fool?

Wukong: Fool? Are you a fool? Are you praising yourself or calling a fool? How can you be such a stupid fool?

Tang Priest: Did you see this too? If I'm not stupid, who wants to come out and do this job?

Wukong: OK, OK, now you go to the top of the mountain, take off the seal on it, and I can go with you to learn the scriptures.

Tang Priest: OK, you wait! ……

Wukong: Hey ~ ~ ~ ~ Did you find it ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Tang Priest: I found it ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ but I don't know which one ~ ~ ~ ~

Wukong: Shit! How many notes were posted on it?

Tang Priest: Many! If you want to be rich, there are many kinds of trees. Only one tree will be born if you are good. You can't go to school in Stephen Chow community. Please take care of your own finances when you eat. There is no silver here. It is forbidden to take pictures here, and offenders will be fined. ...

Wukong: Yes, yes, that's the photo.

Tang Priest: All right! I already took it off!

Wukong: OK! Go away!

Knock, knock, knock, knock.

Wukong: A little further. ...

Knock, knock, knock.

Wukong: A little further. ...

Knock, knock, knock.

Wukong: A little further. ...

Knock, knock, knock.

Wukong: A little further. ...

Tang Priest: Shit! It's far from India ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Wukong: I'm coming out!

Tang Priest: Huh? The mountain didn't fall, so why did you come out?

Wukong: You climbed out of the cave and got a mountain?

Tang Priest: Did you climb out? Seals?

Wukong: it's just a formality ... in fact, the shelf life of the seal has long passed, and no one has come to replace it. The after-sales service is really ~ ~ ~ ~ poor! Let's leave now.

Tang Priest: You are naked, aren't you?

Wukong: What's wrong with me?

Tang Priest: What happened to Mao? If I hadn't become a monk, I would have more hair than you! Here, put this on.

Wukong: Master, it's far from the Western Heaven. If you keep doing this, I'm afraid you won't get there.

Tang Priest: What's wrong?

Wukong: I'm really naked, but it won't help if you put this hoop on my head.

Tang Priest: Why so much nonsense? Put it on when I tell you to!

Wukong: Shit! If it weren't for Guanyin MM's face, I might kill you with a stick! (As he says, Wukong puts on a diamond ring)

Tang Priest: ▲※◆ ■■

Wukong:? My head!

Tang Priest: Ha ha ha! Are you scared?

Wukong: Is this a long-standing "shake your head curse" in Jianghu?

Tang Priest: Yes, once you have heard this mantra of shaking your head, you will be addicted to it immediately. If you don't listen for a day, your blood will flow backwards; If you don't listen for two days, your whole body will fester; If you don't listen for three days, you will suffer from deficiency of both qi and blood, chloasma on your face, enlarged prostate and menopausal symptoms. Even if you eat Gaizhonggai oral liquid produced by Harbin Pharmaceutical No.6 Factory, it won't save you!

Wukong: How vicious!

Tang Priest: Hehe, as the saying goes, no poison is not a husband, and a small amount is not a gentleman!

Wukong: I'll listen to you from now on ... damn it, what is the "shake your head curse"? I hate it!

Tang Priest: Not good!

Wukong: What's the matter?

Tang Priest: Tiger!

Wukong: Master, tigers are not terrible. Haven't you heard that poem?

Tang Priest: Poetry?

Wukong: Yes! As the saying goes, "12345, go up the mountain to shoot tigers, tigers don't eat, just eat big bad guys ..."

Tang Priest: Please, this is a children's song. ...

Wukong: I mean, the tiger will not die with me!

Tang Priest: Shit! I asked you to protect me, not to be an ambassador for wildlife protection organizations!

Wukong: I understand! Listen, all right!

(after fierce fighting)

Wukong: Master, it's done.

Tang Priest: Are you sure?

Wukong: Look!

Tang Priest: Oh? How did your hair become a strip?

Wukong: Shit! It's tiger skin!

Tang Priest: Oh, I feel dizzy.

Wukong: What a rubbish!

Tang Priest: What did you say?

Wukong: Let's go ~ ~ ~ ~ ~!

……

Tang Priest: Wukong, why don't you go?

Wukong: There is a river ahead!

Tang Priest: What is a river? Why don't you just beat him to death?

Wukong: Look, this is the river.

Tang Priest: Oh, this is a river!

(While speaking, I saw a flash of white light, and Tang Priest's mount was gone. )

Tang Priest: Wukong, the horse for the teacher is missing!

Wukong: The horse is missing? Shit! What else can you do? Do you still have your underwear?

Tang Priest: (Stretching out his hand and touching it) Fortunately, I haven't lost it!

Wukong: captured by the little white dragon in the river!

Tang Priest: White Dragon? It's so exciting. I didn't expect to meet a talking monkey and a white dragon eating horses today.

Wukong: When will the big scene be seen? You wait, I'll go down and find him!

Tang Priest: What? Can you swim? It's amazing!

Wukong: Water your brain!

Soon, Wukong pulls the white dragon out of the water, and the white dragon turns into a human form and kneels in front of the Tang Priest. )

Bailong: Are you a monk from the East?

Tang Priest: Exactly.

Bailong: Master!

Tang Priest: Who? Me? Wrong person!

Bailong: Yes, that's you. Guanyin told me to wait for you here.

Tang priest: Guanyin again? How did you get here?

Bailong: I was originally the third prince of the East China Sea Dragon King. I didn't expect my girl to hang a Kai Zi behind my back, and they left on my wedding night! I smashed the new house in a rage. I burned a night pearl, but I didn't expect this bead to be a gift from the Jade Emperor. The jade emperor punished me for saying tongue twisters, but I couldn't, so I was demoted here!

Wukong: Tongue twister? What do you mean?

Bailong: It means "the old monk carries the soup to the tower, and the tower slides with the soup and burns the tower".

Tang Priest: Oh? Isn't what you said quite good?

Bailong: Nonsense, I have been practicing here for more than fifty years.

Tang Priest: I see. How about I teach you a new one? "Eight hundred pacesetter run north slope, north slope artillery run side by side. The artillery did not dare to step on the pacesetter, and the pacesetter did not dare to touch the artillery gun. "

Wukong: What happened to the stopwatch? Say tongue twister again, I'm going to lose my temper!

Tang Priest: Wukong, you don't understand this. Tongue twister is a language game widely circulated among the people. Words with confusing initials, finals or tones are combined into overlapping sentences, which requires you to pronounce them quickly in one breath. When you speak fast, your pronunciation is easy to make mistakes!

Wukong: Shit!

Tang Priest: Did you hit me again?

Wukong: Get to the point!

Bailong: Oh, I'm sorry, master. I ate your white horse, so let me turn into a white horse to carry it ~ ~ ~ ~ Why don't you go to learn from the scriptures?

Tang Priest: Hum! Good idea! I want a BMW.

Bailong: Famous car!

Tang Priest: Are you afraid?

Director: Cut!

Tang Priest: Hey! No need, right? Every episode, you come out and stop?

Director: BMW! Our funds are running out. How can we get props for you?

Tang Priest: BMW, the best is only a few hundred thousand.

Director: hundreds of thousands? No, let alone a BMW. Puma can't afford it, can it?

Tang Priest: OK, again!

……

Bailong: Oh, I'm sorry, master. I ate your white horse, so let me turn into a white horse to carry it ~ ~ ~ ~ Why don't you go to learn from the scriptures?

Tang Priest: Amitabha!

(Tang Priest draws his sword from behind and points it at Tianyi)

Tang Priest: Give me strength ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I ~ ~ ~ I am a ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Wukong: Cyril?

Bailong: It's my turn!

(White Dragon Transforms)

Tang Priest: Mule!

Director: Sorry, the funds are really insufficient. We must change horses in the next episode.

Bailong: Then please change it to white. This black mule is bad for my image!

Tang Priest: Yes, who has ever seen Tang Priest go out on a mule?

Director: Ladies and gentlemen, let's make do. Dinner tonight is on me.

Bailong: OK, that's settled!

When the sun sets, Wukong carries the burden, and Tang Priest rides a mule and walks to the altar in the afterglow of the sunset ...

(Music begins: You carry the burden, I will lead the horse to greet the sunrise and send away the sunset ...)