Collect jokes, funny jokes

1, life is really boring. Last month, a buddy of mine borrowed 4000 yuan from me, saying that he was going to have plastic surgery.

As a result, I don't even know what he has become now. Oh, 4,000 yuan.

2. Notice to the robbers: Our staff only knows Spanish, so please be patient when robbing, and it is best to bring an interpreter.

thank you

3. Are you blind? You can't see such a big shield, but you want to throw stones at my head!

I think I should lose weight. Last time I donated blood, I actually shed 100 ml of lard.

I lost all my money, furniture and clothes. Now I go out like an Arab.

Dear, we are facing such a difficult problem. At present, there are three necessary expenses every month: meals and rent.

Fee and clothing fee, but our current income can only pay for two of them at most.

7. I am forgetful, so my wife often tells me not to take an umbrella when I go out to work in rainy days, so now I am at home.

There are already ten umbrellas.

8. All the columns are well filled except one. The column of "relationship" should be filled with "mother-in-law" instead of "tight"

Zhang ".

Yesterday, scientists did the latest research. One hundred people took part in the experiment. After drinking twenty bottles of beer, everyone becomes extremely talkative but lacks logic, prone to crying and irritability, impulsive, and driving skills decline.

I gained weight. So scientists have come to the conclusion that beer contains trace amounts of estrogen!

10, tragedy is like I accidentally cut off my little finger; Comedy is like you accidentally fell into the sewer.

1 1. When arguing, the difference between men and women is like the difference between rifles and machine guns.

12, can you find a place to have a drink and make friends? Or should I give you my wallet?

13, don't call your children "rabbits", because from a genetic point of view, it is not good for parents.

14, wife, I shouldn't use sheets to shine shoes, but I just got back from a business trip and I can't change them for a while. I was wrong.

15, in order to improve the safety of the product, we decided to put a seal on the bottle cap of the coke bottle: Please open this end; At the bottom of the bottle

Print: Please open the other end.

Husband: Ha ha ha, that hat you are wearing is really funny, just like. . . Ha ha ha, I'm sorry, ha ha ha, that's funny!

Wife: Hum! Wait for the bill to come in a few days and see if you still smile.

17, reporter: According to a recent poll, people pay little attention to current events at home and abroad. Congressman,

What do you think of this?

Congressman: I don't care if I have opinions.

18, Mary, if you don't promise to marry me, I'll kill myself at once, which is my usual practice.

19, I'm the only bachelor left in our village, and all the other men are ligated when they get married and have children. Doctor, you can also give it to me.

I had a vasectomy. I'm afraid that if a woman is pregnant, I can't bear the responsibility.

Tourist: Master, is that hut over there a toilet?

Monk: Except that thatched cottage, all the places are toilets.

2 1. If an idiot can fly, then my company is an airport.

22. If a lawyer and a politician fall into the river at the same time, would you rather have coffee or go to the movies? (multiple choice question)

23. It would be funny if it didn't happen to me.

24. Do you want to have good teeth? Here are three lessons for you: first, rinse your mouth after meals and brush your teeth in the morning and evening; Second, every

Go to the hospital for dental examination every two years; Third, mind your own business.

25, the hair is gone, dandruff is more prominent!

We always habitually think that the brain is the most important organ of the human body, but don't forget who made this judgment.

27. When listening to the sermon in the church, we should keep quiet. It is impolite to disturb others' sleep.

28. These are not rubbish! I collect antiques! Of course, you can throw it away if you don't like it.

29. Artificial intelligence cannot be compared with the stupidity of nature-because we advocate pure nature.

30. If a person still laughs freely in the face of criticism, then he may have found a scapegoat.

I signed up for a weight-loss training class yesterday, and they asked me to wear loose clothes when training. How dare you? If there are still loose clothes, then why should I sign up?

If an idiot can fly, then my company is an airport.

All men are created equal, except those who get married.

Can we go somewhere for a drink and make friends? Or should I give you my wallet?

Yesterday, scientists did the latest research. One hundred people took part in the experiment. After drinking twenty bottles of beer, everyone becomes extremely talkative but lacks logic, prone to crying and irritability, impulsive, and driving skills decline.

I gained weight. So scientists have come to the conclusion that beer contains trace amounts of estrogen!

I think if I have some modest qualities, I will be a perfect person.

38. If you need suggestions or opinions, we will provide them free of charge; If you need the correct answer, please pay extra.

In the past, when the alarm clock rang, I often had the problem of patting it before going back to sleep, but since I put three mousetraps next to the alarm clock, my problem has been eradicated.

40. If Beethoven is the "father of symphony", does it mean that Beethoven's father is the "father of symphony"?

4 1, I have done many stupid things, but I don't care at all. Friends call it "confidence".

42. The Association for the Blind sincerely advises you: Never drink and drive.

43. I think I should lose weight. Last time I donated blood, I actually shed 100 ml of lard.

44. Experiment with two bugs. The one in the whiskey died, which proves that there are no bugs in the stomach when drinking whiskey.

45. I can't describe my creativity, my working ability and my writing ability.

If Bill Gates can get one yuan every time he restarts his computer, he will be rich.

47. Ten years later, the court sentenced the murderer to death for the second time.

I dedicate this book to my brilliant wife, without whom I would have accomplished nothing. She comforted me when I was in pain; When I failed, she gave me confidence.

She never complains, never interferes with my career, never gets to the bottom of it, never comments. She always endures the hardships of life silently. . . (Author's Note-Special thanks to my wife for preface to this book)

49. I pretend to work for my boss, who pretends to pay me.

My wife and I haven't spoken for 18 months, so I didn't have a chance to interrupt her.

5 1. Have you heard the story "The big pig said yes, but the little pig said no"?

52. I never watch TV. I just often check whether the TV programs in the newspaper are printed wrong.

53. Your eyes are like the bright moon in the sky, the first day; Fifteen points.

54. Why don't you be rational? My uncle is here. Why did you think of going to the zoo to see bears?

55. My eyesight is very poor. For example, see the thumbtacks on the wall over there? You can see it, but I can't.

56. Every day, I keep setting a new world record-the number of days I live in the world.

Shop assistant: Miss, all your ten hundred-dollar bills are counterfeit.

Pretty girl: Ah! I was raped!

59. Thief A: Count how much money was robbed today?

Thief B: No, just read the newspaper tomorrow.

60. In the internet world, your girlfriend may be a man and your boyfriend may be a woman, which is very painful, but you have to accept it.

If you want to compete with tigers who can starve to death more, you win.

63. I put the TV remote control on my waist, making it look like I bought a new mobile phone.

Money alone can't make people happy, so I also steal some jewelry, stamps, watches and so on. Agree 4| Comment