Don't copy some of the latest and funniest jokes here!

Everyone laughed enough: I'll give you a superlative swear word, and I promise to scold you to the west (exaggeration):

you are

Life with incomplete evolution, aliens with genetic mutations,

Kindergarten-level high school students, frog heads with congenital Mongolian disease,

The abandoned snowman on Mount Everest, the murderer who blocked the septic tank,

Africans fuck the descendants of blacks, chimpanzees with yin-yang imbalance,

Hippopotamus was crushed to death by Noah's ark, and a new volcano erupted.

Large shameless loudspeaker, Eskimo shame,

Cockroaches, semi-plants with declining vitality,

A stinking garbage man, the source of the term "spit",

Dinosaurs that degenerate three times a day, the strongest waste in human history,

The old washing machine that God accidentally dropped, the brainless creature that can think,

The scourge of damaging the reputation of Asian compatriots, the descendants of humiliated ancestors,

Humus deposited for thousands of years, primitive species that scientists dare not study,

10 times the concentration of sedimentary raw oil, disfigured Uncle McDonald,

Damn guy like you:

Can only play a piece of shit in TV series,

Not as delicious as chewing gum spilled by roadside dogs,

Even as handsome as a flower, you are more than 10 times.

If you want to find a girlfriend, you have to go to the zoo or even leave the earth.

If you want to commit suicide, only someone will advise you not to leave the body, so as not to pollute the environment.

The keyboard you touched can't even live with amoeba,

Saliva is more deadly than SARS,

Pretending to be cute can solve the problem of population expansion instantly.

If you are cool and handsome, humans can only reproduce asexually.

Idiots can be your teachers, and retarded people can teach you to speak.

As long as you look up, the ozone layer will break.

I immigrated to Mars to leave you,

If your ugliness can generate electricity, nuclear power plants all over the world can be shut down,

If you go to war, bullets and missiles will fly at you.

Grenade will explode when it sees you,

People are going to fly a plane into Gemini, and you will have the same power as long as you skydive.

All the places of interest you have visited will become historic sites, and the historic sites you have visited will also become history.

18 Only if you have never done anything good in your life will you know you, and even throwing it into the sun is not environmentally friendly enough! ! !

Anyway, a word: don't let me see you again, if I see you,

I have to kill you!

Dealing with the enemy is still very venting!

A bit scary joke (kill two birds with one stone):

The first story, paranormal.

I remember a piece of paranormal that my sister told me. .....

My sister has a friend who has a little son who is about three years old. ....

One day, he found his son waving at the window and said, "goodbye, uncle!" " "

My friend disagreed at first. .....

I thought it was my son talking to a passing uncle in the street (because his family lives very low).

But I feel that his son always says this sentence around dusk.

I ... but I can't see anyone outside the window ... The more my friends think about it, the more scared they are. ....

So I asked my son who to say goodbye to. .....

The son replied, "with uncle!" "

The friend asked again, "There is no one outside! Which uncle did you tell? "

The son pointed to the outside and answered him:

"Which uncle?

Uncle Sun! "

The second story is on a country road.

On a winding country road, car accidents often happen, so there are often some ghost stories. One night, a taxi driver saw a woman with long hair shawl and white clothes on the side of the road and waved to him. Because the driver has never seen a ghost, he is courageous. He stopped to let her get on the bus. Along the way, although the driver didn't believe in ghosts, he was also Mao Mao, so he often turned a blind eye to the woman behind him and continued driving. The driver got a fright and stepped on a brake! I saw the woman appear again, bleeding profusely and horrible. The driver was too scared to speak. I thought, it's over, I really met a ghost this time! "When I was nervous, the woman spoke:

"ah! Driver, I'm just afraid of being seen by you. I was embarrassed, so I bent down and dug a nose. Who told you to brake in such a hurry? Look! I have a nosebleed! "

The third story is the head outside the window.

Just these days, an old man came to the village. The old man looks very haggard and depressed, but perhaps it is because no one knows him and pays special attention to him. As a result, at night, the old man was found hanging himself in the Woods! Moreover, the hanging place is behind Xiaojing's home, and even the old man can be clearly seen through the bathroom window!

In the evening, Xiao Jing came back. Because the body was quickly disposed of, Xiao Jing didn't know. He takes a shower because the bathroom is very small, so he is close to the transom when taking a shower. Just in the middle of washing, Xiao Jing looked up and saw the transom. What I saw at that time made Xiao Jing stiff! Because she saw a head! Xiao Jing can't move, but her head keeps looking at her! At this moment, the colonel actually smiled! And said:

"Elder sister, ... are you startled?"

The fourth story died of eating instant noodles.

My brother doesn't like my mother's cooking very much, but he likes instant noodles. One day, my mother stopped cooking and my brother wanted to make instant noodles again. My mother scolded him: "You won't go out to buy lunch without your mother cooking, will you?" Eating instant noodles is not nutritious! ! "

My brother said, "I just like eating, so what!" "

"Alas ... mom told you that instant noodles are really not a good thing. There is a young lady in your father's company. In order to save all the money and send it home, she eats instant noodles in the morning, noon and evening. She ate instant noodles every day and died three months later! "

(frightened to disgrace) "Really?"

"How could mom lie to you?"

"Really, how did she die?"

..... Well, ... I had an accident while buying instant noodles. .....

The fifth story car accident

In high school, there was a scene in the fruit and vegetable market in front of Huazhong Bridge (thrilling). ....

Because the fruit and vegetable market is the dividing point of many cars, and it is time to get off work, the bus we take is packed, and the people standing at the door of the car, including their faces, cling to the door like geckos.

After the driver and others got on the Yellow River, they set off. Because they were going to get on the bridge, he kept stepping on the accelerator to speed up. When he found an old woman crossing the road in front, it was too late to brake!

I saw the old woman lying on the road in front of the car, motionless, and a pile of intestines flowed out of her side and began to ooze blood. ......

Some people started screaming ... some people were speechless, but the driver was pale and afraid to get down in his seat. When the driver in the car began to point to the current driver, something strange happened. ......

Suddenly, the old woman stood up trembling, took out a broken plastic bag and began to pick up the intestines, muttering, "How to eat the intestines you just bought?"

No.6 story bento

Tell you a ghost story, it's horrible!

On a silent moonlit night, a traveler was unfortunately lost while crossing the mountains. Just when he was hungry and cold, he finally found a thatched cottage far ahead. He ran up happily, knocked on the door and shouted, "Hello?" Then an old woman came out to open the door. After the traveler explained his purpose, the old woman kindly gave the traveler a box of lunch and promised to stay at the old woman's house temporarily that night. The next morning, the traveler woke up and was surprised to find that there was no thatched cottage around, so he slept on the ground. Not to mention any old woman, but the traveler is not afraid. He is still very grateful to the old woman and thinks that's it. He came to help the poor. So he bowed in place and left with gratitude. After a long journey, he finally returned to the village. After he came back, he told the story to everyone. After a long time, someone finally said, "The grandmother you mentioned, she died three years ago. Hearing this, Monkey's heart darkened, and suddenly he felt a sharp pain and shouted, "What a pain!"

The seventh story is Yin and Yang eyes.

There is a senior who wants to ride home with a younger brother with yin and yang eyes.

At first, the senior warned his junior: "Wait a minute, no matter what you see, don't tell me!" " After a while, they passed by the cemetery, and the junior shouted and grabbed the senior's clothes ... The junior said, "Learn ... Learn ... Senior ..." The senior shouted, "Shut up! I do not want to hear anything! " Senior: Don't tell me what you see! After a hurricane arrived at its destination, the senior said, "What did you want to tell me just now?" Junior year: "When I passed the cemetery, I wanted to tell you that you dropped your wallet, but you rode over without looking back." ......

The eighth story died on the same day in the same year.

Ali was working overtime when she suddenly felt a cold wind blowing from the north. Ali thought it was strange. How can there be wind blowing in an airtight office building? Looking back, the clock on the wall points to 1 1 point. Ali thought, "Today, she may not be able to finish it. We will continue tomorrow. Thinking about it, she turned off the computer, packed up and walked out of the office. Unexpectedly, the elevator is being renovated today ... Ali thought: It's over, the office is in 1 1 building. When Ali just came downstairs, she always felt that someone was following her behind her, and I couldn't help thinking of the cold wind in the office just now. Although Ali has goose bumps all over her body, she can't hide her curiosity. Looking back, she didn't look well, only to find that her friend Xiaohong, who died of cancer three months ago, was glaring at her ... "Why didn't you keep your promise? ! Why not keep your promise? I am very lonely down there ... so lonely ... "Xiaohong said as he approached Ali ..." Ah _ _ _ _ "Ali fell from the window on the tenth floor ... Xiaoxiang and Pearl Krabs were good friends of Ali and Xiaohong ... After they attended Ali's funeral, they discussed Ali's death in a tea world hall. Xiaoxiang: Pearl Krabs. Shortly after Xiaohong's death, Mei Mei died in a car accident ... Now it's Ali ... Pearl Krabs: Hmm ... I also have a feeling ... Could it be Xiaohong, she ... She ... Xiaoxiang: Maybe Xiaohong came to commit suicide, so it can't go on like this, or even you and me ... Pearl Krabs: I know her. Let's ask him to help us. When Xiaoxiang and Pearl Krabs arrived at the mage's Dojo, the mage correctly pointed out that Xiaoxiang and her dead friend were sworn sisters. The five of them had an appointment at that time, and they could not be born on the same day in the same year, so they were willing to die on the same day in the same year. So after Xiaohong's death, they remembered their previous agreement and came to other sisters ... Xiaoxiang and Pearl Krabs heard this and quickly asked the mage for help. The mage ordered the young apprentice to bring a plate of mung beans and. Mix the beans together and say a spell. Later, he told Xiaoxiang and Pearl Krabs that he was negotiating with Xiaohong. If Xiaohong promises not to kill them, let the mung beans float on the red beans. Xiaohong disagreed, and red beans floated on mung beans. The mage said that he would try his best to save Xiaoxiang and Pearl Krabs, and it would take a week to communicate with Xiaohong. A week later, Xiao Xiang and others were invited to see the results. After Zheng Chenggong, Xiao Xiang and finally covered the plate with red cloth. After fidgeting for a week, they came to the Dojo together, and Master ordered his disciples to take out their plates. When the master unveiled the red cloth, their faces changed greatly ... Xiaoxiang and Pearl Krabs saw that the master's face was wrong, and quickly grabbed the plate ... The little apprentice said helplessly, "Teacher, you ..." The beans sprouted! ! ! ! ! "

The ninth story likes eating apples before his death.

On a dark night, a taxi driver passed by a remote street to get his car home. It happened that a woman was waving to get on the bus by the roadside. The driver wanted to give her a lift. It was very quiet all the way. Suddenly, the woman spoke. She said, "Driver, here is an apple for you. Very delicious. " The driver took it and bit it. The woman said, * # @ When the driver heard this sentence, he was scared to brake and turned pale ... I saw the woman slowly tilting her head to the front and slowly saying to the driver, "Don't be afraid, I haven't finished yet. After giving birth, I said I don't like eating! "

The tenth story: the ghost in the toilet

Xiao Wang went to his cousin's house in other places to play. When chatting with my cousin, my cousin told him that there are ghosts in the toilet here, but if you don't accept ghosts, they won't hurt you. Of course there is no ghost. My cousin is lying to him. ) maybe it's not acclimatized. In the evening, Xiao Wang had a bad stomachache, so there was nothing he could do. Xiao Wang had to bite the bullet and go to the toilet in fear. Knowing that he couldn't stand ghosts, Xiao Wang replied, "I always use newspapers." It seems that Xiao Wang has dysentery. After a while, Xiao Wang went to the toilet again, but this time he was no longer afraid. When the ghost saw the little queen, he held out his hand and said, "Yes! Central Daily News > or? " I always use sports newspapers. "In the evening, Xiao Wang went to the toilet for the third time, and the ghost asked," Do you want it or not? Xiao Wang trembled and said, "I ... I ... I just want to pee."

The eleventh story is a female ghost with no feet.

There is a female freshman at Qingda University who works very hard. One night, after reading this book, she felt very tired. Looked at his watch, it's past one o'clock. I heard from my senior that the night view of Xiang Si Lake is beautiful, so I want to go there for a walk. When I arrived at the lake, I suddenly felt someone patting her on the shoulder. She turned around and saw a pale woman. The woman said, "Senior, I have no feet." My primary school sister started to run, but the female ghost followed her all the way, saying darkly in her ear: "I have no feet, I have no feet ... My primary school sister felt very annoyed, just near the dormitory, so she turned to the female ghost and shouted," What if I have no feet? "I don't have breasts!

Latest addition:

Sour meat

"Please leave me alone, I am a big old man, and the meat is sour and not delicious." Zhang Laohan leaned against the corner, and there was no way out. Two ghosts had to force him step by step. "Is it sour?" The male ghost grabbed Zhang Laohan's hand and bit off a piece of meat. Zhang Laohan screamed. The ghost chewed and chewed, and "pounced" on Zhang Laohan's meat. "Mama of, really sour, so bad, dead old man, you are lucky, get out!" Zhang Laohan was pardoned. He knocked dozens of heads on the ground. It's better to lose a piece of meat than to die. He was about to leave. Another female ghost screamed "Stop!" Male ghost is a bit strange "keep this old thing? Sour and sour, not delicious. " The female ghost squatted in the male ghost's ear and said, "I want to eat sour." The male ghost is even stranger. "Why?" The female ghost poked the male ghost's head with her finger and said shyly, "You bad guy, family, family, family is pregnant!" " "

mosquito

In a very old and shabby building in the suburbs, three mosquitoes are chatting on the wall.

"Hey, I can't find anything to eat recently."

"That's, that's, we haven't had a good day since that woman moved in."

"Let's say last night, I sucked on Uncle Zhang's nephew's leg on the second floor for a long time, and then I sucked out a few dry little blood clots, which almost choked me to death!"

"Are you okay! Just say that last night I sucked all night on the carotid artery of the daughter-in-law of the Wang family on the third floor, and all I sucked out was tap water! "

The remaining mosquitoes howled.

"I said, why are you crying?"

"I am the worst!"

"What's the matter?"

"I was so hungry last night. On the fourth floor, I saw the woman lying on a naked man. I ran to suck the man's blood, and she grabbed me, and then ... and then ... "

"What happened later? You have served your sentence! " The other two mosquitoes are in a hurry.

Mosquito said with a runny nose and tears: "Then she said maliciously to me:' Dead mosquito, I don't drink enough, you come and rob me!'" ",and then, she sucked my blood, meowed ..."

There are two people.

In a remote village, there is a straight telephone pole on a narrow path. Strange to say, people often have accidents there. Soon a man and a woman were accidentally knocked down by a bicycle and died on the spot. One night, five-year-old Xiao Zhi and her mother passed by on their way home. Xiao Zhi suddenly said, "Mom, there are two people on the telephone pole." Mother took his hand and walked away quickly, saying, "Don't talk nonsense, children!" " "But it soon spread. One day, a reporter came to interview Xiao Zhi and asked him to take him to see the place where the car accident happened. Xiao Zhi generously led him, and the reporter asked, "Where is it?" Xiao Zhi pointed, and the reporter looked up and saw a sign hanging on the telephone pole.

It says: everyone is responsible for traffic safety.

I met a female ghost at night

It was late at night, and a taxi driver decided to take another passenger home, but there were not many people on the road.

The driver drove aimlessly and found a white shadow shaking in front and waving to him. There are people in the silent night, and this situation has to remind people of something they don't want to think of, that is, ghosts! ! !

But in the end, the driver decided to give her a hand. The man got on the bus and said in a sad hoarse voice, "Please go to the crematorium." The driver trembled with excitement. Is she really ... he can't think down, and he dare not think down. He regrets it, but now he must send her to her destination as soon as possible.

The woman's face is comely and pale, and she has nothing to say all the way, which makes people feel creepy. The driver really can't go on. When he was almost where she was going, he made an excuse and stammered, "Miss, I'm sorry. It's hard to turn back ahead. Go by yourself. It is already very close. " The woman nodded and asked, "How much is that?" The driver quickly said, "Forget it, forget it,

It is not easy for you, a woman, to come here so late. Forget it! ""How dare you? " "That's it!" The driver insisted. That woman can't help it. "Well, thank you! "Say that finish, opened the door ... The driver turned to start the car, but didn't hear the sound of closing the door, so he turned his head ... How did that woman disappear so fast? He looked and sat down, no! There is nothing in the front, back, left and right of the car! Did she just disappear? The driver's curiosity made him think about it. He got out of the car and came to the open door. "Is that woman walking so fast, or is she just ..." He was about to collapse and was about to leave here when a bloody hand patted him on the shoulder. He looked back, and the woman stood in front of him, her face covered with blood, and she spoke.

"master! Please don't stop at the ditch next time you stop ... "

Ghost phone

I used to call, but I didn't press the number like this. I inserted my finger into a perforated disk and dialed it. Once upon a time ......

Xiaoming's home phone number is 444-4444, and strange calls often come in ... One night at midnight, 12, the phone rang, and Xiaoming picked up the receiver. The other end of the phone said in a sad voice, "Is this 444-4444?" Can you call 1 19 for me? I am so miserable! ............ "Xiao Ming:" You go and find someone else to help you, don't come to me! Man: I can only call 444-4444, not anyone else. Xiao Ming was scared to death, so he hung up the phone and could only call 444-4444? Is it a ghost? ! ! After a while, the phone rang again. Xiao Ming didn't dare to answer, but the phone kept ringing ... Xiao Ming had to pick it up. Man: "Excuse me, is this 444-4444? Can you call 1 19 for me? I am so miserable! ..... My finger is stuck in the phone dial hole! 」

be done for

Two men walked home after a Halloween costume party. ..

When they passed a cemetery, they wanted to cross it on impulse. When they were halfway through, they were frightened by the sound of drumming. The sound came from a dark place, and they trembled with fear. Then they found an old man with a chisel in his hand. One of them said, "My God, sir, we thought you were a ghost. What are you doing here so late? " The old man scolded: TMD, they spelled my name wrong! ! ! ! "

jack-o'-lantern

On a dark night, a man drove through a graveyard at night. The breeze blew, and the surrounding sounds rustled, making people feel creepy and numb. Just then, he suddenly found a little red light flashing in the distance.

His first thought was "jack-o'-lantern". So he carefully picked up a stone and threw it at the lamp. I saw flames swaying behind another grave. What is even more frightening is that he picked up a stone and threw it at the fire, only to see the light fly to another grave.

At this point, he is close to collapse. So he picked up another stone and threw it at the lamp. At this moment, I heard a voice from behind the grave: "Shit, who is it?" Shit is not fun. A pack of cigarettes was thrown at me three times. "

doll

There is a taxi driver who works in a taxi company. One night, he was driving through a very desolate place, surrounded by darkness; Suddenly I saw a building on the wasteland ahead, with dim lights on. He wants to know when such a building was built here. He saw a young lady beckoning him to take the car home. After the young lady got on the bus, he closed the door and started driving. After a while, he felt very strange. Miss, why don't you talk? As a result, he looked in the mirror and saw that there was no miss, only a doll sitting there. Scared to death, he grabbed the doll and threw it out of the window. After returning home, he was seriously ill.

...

...

...

...

...

After his illness, he returned to work in a taxi company. As a result, his colleague said to him, "You are really boring. A beautiful lady came to complain that she wanted to take your car last time. As a result, she just threw the doll in, and you closed the door and drove away.