I want to hear a cold joke.

1, the soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a mine in the battle? The company commander was greatly annoyed: Shit, what can I do? Pay the price for stepping on it.

I haven't heard from you for a long time, and I feel very distressed. I thought of death, and I cut my pulse with potato chips; Hit you on the head with tofu; Jump over buildings with parachutes; Noodles. Everyone can die. You can invite me to dinner and support me to death.

If you feel cold, please call me! Please press 1 to talk about feelings, 2 to talk about work, 3 to talk about life, 5 to introduce me, please tell me directly when you invite me to dinner, and please hang up when you borrow money from me.

The giraffe married the monkey, and a year later, the giraffe filed for divorce: I will never live such a life of jumping up and down again! Monkey is furious: leave! Who has seen kissing and climbing trees!

The fish said, "I kept my eyes open to leave you." The water said, "I have been flowing tirelessly all day and want to hug you." The pot said, "I'm so stubborn when I'm fucking ripe."

6. Have you eaten? Please receive the short message. The elephant put shit in the middle of the road, and an ant just passed by. Looking up at the misty mountain peak, it couldn't help singing: Alasao, this is the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau! ~~~~

7, you have grown up, there are some things you should know: the sky is used for wind and rain; The land is used to grow flowers and grass; I used it to prove how great human beings are; You are used to stew vermicelli.

8. Don't worry if you don't bring paper when you are by the railway. The train will remind you: pants wipe, pants wipe, pants wipe! Don't worry, when you go to the toilet by the river and there is no paper, the frog will tell you: scratch, scratch, scratch!

9. Money can buy a house, but it can't buy a home; Marriage, but not love; Clock, but can't buy time. Money is not everything, but it is the root of pain. Give me your money and let me suffer alone!

10, God, it's so blue! Sea water, too salty! Life is too hard! Work, too annoying! And you, decree by destiny! Miss you, insomnia! It's too far to see you! What can I do? I miss you so much that I can't eat chopsticks or swallow bowls!

1 1, send you 12 Zodiac. I wish you smart as a mouse, strong as an ox, bold as a tiger, cute as a rabbit, confident as a dragon, charming as a snake, romantic as a horse, gentle as a sheep, naughty as a monkey, beautiful as a chicken, loyal as a dog and looks like a pig!

12, the beauty of learning is that people are confused; The beauty of poetry lies in inciting men and women to cheat; The beauty of a woman lies in her stupidity.

No regrets; The beauty of a man lies in lying.

13 I only care about you. What I care about is whether I care about you or not. Do I care about you as much as I care about you? I'm dizzy!

14, have you heard of it? Looking back 500 times in previous lives, I brushed it in this life. Close friends like you and me, it seems that they didn't do anything in their last life, so they fucking turned back!

15, two counterfeiters inadvertently made counterfeit banknotes with a face value of 15 yuan, and they decided to spend them in remote mountainous areas. When they bought a 15 candied haws with 0 yuan, they cried, and the farmer gave them two 7 pieces.

16, your life portrayal: at the age of ten, learn to bathe yourself-pigs wash themselves; Brilliant at the age of twenty ―― when the pig is young; Looking for a job at the age of 30-starting a pig-raising career; At the age of forty, I hired a servant-a pig's servant; Learn to play basketball at the age of 50 ―― throw pigs!

Q: Why are poor people less prone to constipation?

A: If you are poor, you will change, and if you change, you will pass.

Q: When do people have two mouths?

A: It's time for two people, hehe.

Q: Two people fell into the trap. The dead call the dead, what is the name of the living?

A: Call for help, haha.

Q: A white horse is called a white horse, a dark horse is called a dark horse, and a black and white horse is called a zebra. What is a black and white red horse?

A: It's a shy zebra, hehe.

Q: Why do people go to bed to sleep?

A: Because the bed won't walk by itself!

Q: The last thing you want to do at a barbecue.

I'll be with you, cook the meat.

Q: What animal is the easiest to fall down in the world?

A: Fox! Because foxes are cunning _

Two bananas are competing for endurance, running and running. ...

The dominant banana was peeled off and thrown on the runway in a sweaty run, and the banana behind it slipped.

Q: One day, it took a bird 1 hour to fly from Kaohsiung to Taipei. But it took 2 hours to get back!

Why?

Because it is raining! So cover the rain with one hand and let it fly with the other.

When do dogs get smaller and smaller?

When the dog ran away.

There is a polar bear playing with a penguin.

Penguins pluck their hair one by one. After pulling it out, they said to the polar bear, "It's so cold!"

Hearing this, the polar bear also pulled out his own hair one by one.

Turn to the penguin and say,

"It's cold!"

Ming Dow Jr.: "Kang, let me ask you something." A shark ate a mung bean. What did it become? 」

Kang said, "I don't know. What is the answer? 」

Xiao Ming said, "Hey! Hey! The answer is "green bean paste (mung bean shark)", you are stupid! 」

The teacher asked a classmate how to reduce white pollution.

Answer: Make the lunch box blue ~ ~ ~

One day, noodles and steamed buns fought and the noodles ran away. The steamed stuffed bun chased him to an alley and saw the instant noodles there. He rushed up and beat them up.

Leave a sentence when you leave: "Don't think that I don't know you when you perm your hair!" " "

Q: What's the last thing you want to happen when popcorn pops?

Corn will play hardball with you

Q: A rabbit races with a fast tortoise. Guess who won?

A: Rabbit ~ ~

Q: Wrong ~! It's a turtle. As mentioned earlier, it's a fast turtle. Run fast ~ ~

Q: The rabbit doesn't want to compete with a turtle wearing sunglasses. Who will win this time?

A: Mm-hmm. Tuziba

Q: Wrong ~ ~! The tortoise took off her sunglasses, too! It's the fastest turtle again.

Judge: Why did you throw two glasses at the plaintiff?

Defendant: Because the first shot missed him, sir.

A bean fell. It's discouraging and frustrating. This bean is me. What can encourage it to stand up?

The answer is you!

Because there is something called "pigs encourage beans".

One day mung beans committed suicide, jumped down from the fifth floor, shed a lot of blood and became red beans; It has been squeezed dry and turned into soybeans; The wound was scarred and finally turned into black beans.

Zhenzi climbed out of the TV set, covered with messy long hair and a dazzling white dress. Then she smiled and said to me, "Diao brand washing powder is easy to use."

He said there was a match. One day, he felt itchy and scratched his head. In the end, everyone knew it was on fire.

There is a sequel to this story. The sequel is that the matchstick was sent to the hospital and the doctor bandaged it. It became a cotton swab when it came out, haha.