Accept the "exchange principle" and accept "conditional love"

An article was published in Haobao some time ago: "Unconditional love is the most beautiful lie in the world." I remember that it caused a lot of controversy at that time, especially the voices of doubt and criticism. It seemed that the views in the article blasphemed the beautiful longing for "love" that many people had in their hearts.

I have also reflected on this and feel that there are indeed many misunderstandings, so it is necessary to clarify two points. First of all, the "love" I talk about is intended to discuss the secular relationship between people, and has nothing to do with religious beliefs and universal sentiments. Secondly, since we deny the unconditional nature of love, if we do not talk about what "conditional love" is and how to cultivate and manage it in a relationship, then this discussion will not be complete and constructive enough.

So today, I want to talk about how to view "conditional love" in relationships.

"Conditional love" involves the rules of relationship management in the adult world, which is "exchange".

When children are very young, if they are lucky enough, they can wander in the gentle land of love and often enjoy a happy life where they have everything they want. I remember when my son was less than two years old, he was sitting in a high chair and eating something. He might have felt something was dirty, so he naturally stretched out his little hands and said, "Here are the napkins." Then people around him would laugh. Yingying handed him a tissue.

However, such a sense of self-centeredness will cause frustration when dealing with other children. For example, if he sees a ball in the hands of a neighbor's child and wants it, but they won't give it to him, if he tries to grab it, they will push him away or hit him. The son was naturally aggrieved when he couldn't get the toy he wanted, so he rushed to ask for help.

At this time, I did two things. The first is to tell him that the ball belongs to others and is not something he can control; the second is to suggest that he try to exchange it with his own toy. So the son took a toy car and handed it to the other party. The child's eyes lit up when he saw the car. He grabbed the new toy and couldn't care about anything else. In this way, the son successfully got the ball he wanted to play with. Well, this method really works.

Later, whenever my son saw someone else having something he liked, he would first think of giving a toy of his own, and at the same time he would mutter "Change, change". But this trick is not always tried and true. Sometimes the things he gives out are not attractive enough, or the other child cherishes his toys very much, so he can't change them no matter what. At that time, my son must have been filled with frustration and helplessness, so I had no choice but to hold him and comfort him for a while, or take him away to play with other things.

Looking back now, this process is the only way for a child to move from the baby world where he is self-centered to the adult world where exchange is the principle. As people grow and socialize, the things they exchange gradually evolve from toys to a wider range of real things, such as jobs, houses, money, food, medical care and various services; there are also relatively mundane things, such as companionship. , praise, recognition, understanding, support, connection, freedom, etc. Because the latter is connected to emotional needs, it becomes more confusing and difficult to grasp in exchanges.

Many people don't like to confuse affection with exchange. They always want pure affection, like unconditional care and love. But the other person is not a mother, let alone God. He is just a limited person.

In the process of psychological counseling, every time you talk about time or money with the client, it will involve the disillusionment of such unconditional illusions. For example, if the other party is late, I will not give an extension. When the other party bursts into tears, I will say that today’s time is up. I will increase the consultation fee for various reasons. All of this conveys that I am willing to provide professional companionship and listening, but as a person, I also have my own needs. This is "exchange".

The conditionality of love in interpersonal relationships is to use your efforts to get what you need, just like commodity trading. Yes, most of the time, relationships are transactions.

Here comes the point! The so-called principle of exchange here does not refer to conventional reciprocation, or reaping rewards for one's hard work, because everyone has different needs, has different weights on this need, and has different resources and abilities, so everyone only You can use what you have to exchange for what you need. What is very important here is to understand what you want and what you can give. More important than this is understanding the other person's needs and ability to give.

People often say that if you want to keep a man's heart, you must first capture his stomach. But if this man’s mind is not about a meal and a vegetable, but about working on his career performance all day long, then even if you are the reincarnation of the conch girl and you are busy inside and outside the house every day, it will be difficult to bring spiritual affection to him. For comfort, perhaps an experienced professional expert would be more in line with his taste at this time.

I know a lady who is very diligent and capable. Her house is always kept clean and spotless, and she is good at cooking. She is good-looking and good at dressing up. She is willing to be considerate and filial to her parents, and she is also very considerate to her husband and children. She tried her best to take care of her, but in the end her husband still had an affair and chose to divorce. She was very aggrieved and angry, thinking that her years of hard work had been let down.

In her logic, a virtuous housewife should earn a man's cherishment and respect for marriage, but she has never seriously thought about what her husband needs. There is nothing wrong with her giving, and there is nothing wrong with her wanting to be cherished. The mistake is that she thinks that if she gives A, she should get B, because A is what she has and is good at giving, and B is what she fantasizes about. Following this logic, she can live with the least effort, without having to carefully speculate on the other person's needs, and without reflecting on where she needs to change. The most advantageous thing is that whenever her husband does something that seems to be unworthy of her, she can stand on the moral high ground, hide under the mask of the victim to gain sympathy, and confidently impose various financial and human favors on him. of blow. In fact, I understand that she has positive feelings for her husband and is unwilling to accept the outcome of the divorce, but such a fuss has destroyed the only remaining old relationship.

A friend once complained to me that she bought expensive Cordyceps supplements as gifts for her parents in the countryside during the Chinese New Year. Her parents were not happy and complained that she wasted money, so she might as well give them to Taiwan. Washing machines are more practical. I said it's very good. I wish I had known you would give me a washing machine. She said how could that work? Her relatives would laugh at her. Besides, it would be more worry-free to buy nutritional supplements. I was a little speechless, thinking that since you gained face and peace of mind, why should you blame your parents for being unhappy and unappreciative. Because what she gives is not what the other party needs, naturally she cannot get the response she expects.

Therefore, loving someone means that you are willing to be curious, get close to and understand the other person's needs, instead of just making assumptions based on your own needs or worldly standards. If you are not willing to give up this thought, Flower, that only means that you love yourself. Of course, there is nothing wrong with loving yourself. I even think that if a person is not considerate or caring about himself, then it is difficult to say that he has the ability to care for others.

Only on the basis of understanding and caring for oneself, can a person see and understand others, improve his ability to love, and thus achieve gains based on true conditional care. Love and grow.