Who has a joke beyond Lei Chao's embarrassment? (The more you come, the better)

One day, two sparrows were sitting in a tree bragging. The big sparrow said to the little sparrow, "I am amazing." I can do anything, such as diving and hovering. What are the difficult moves that I can't do? " "

The little sparrow was not convinced, but at the moment she couldn't find any good way to trouble it. It happened that a female butcher was cutting meat under a tree, and the little sparrow said to the big sparrow, aren't you magical? Do you have the ability to fly down and get a piece of meat from the butcher?

The big sparrow smiled and said little KS, so a fierce man flew to the table and grabbed a piece of meat and was about to fly to the tree. The butcher caught him red-handed. The butcher was very angry and pulled out the hair of the big sparrow one by one. The big sparrow only cries for help, but the little sparrow can't see the past. He immediately flew down and bit the butcher's hand. The butcher released the big sparrow when his hand hurt.

The big sparrow flew desperately to the tree, and the little sparrow said, don't brag now? If I hadn't saved you, you wouldn't have lived long. But the big sparrow said, who told you to save me? I was just about to take off my clothes and fuck him.

One day, the county magistrate invited a guest to have breakfast and said, Please eat fried dough sticks and porridge today. You're welcome. The waiter said, do you want big bowls and small bowls of porridge? The county magistrate said, my treat. Of course, everyone will have a big bowl (dung).

The woman sat down on the park bench and looked around, so she put her legs straight on the chair and relaxed.

After a while, a beggar came up to her and said, "well, how about taking a walk together?"

"How dare you," said the woman. "I'm not the kind of woman who hooks three and builds four!"

"So," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"

The plane will take off soon.

A group of passengers who just boarded the plane were invited down by the staff because the parts of the plane were broken and needed to be repaired. After a while, the staff came over and told the passengers that they could board the plane and the plane would take off soon. The passenger asked strangely, "It was repaired so soon?" The staff said: "There is no repair, but a new pilot dares to fly this plane."

Forgot to open the door

I used to work in a small bank in cambria, England, which was even the busiest.

There were very few customers at that time, and one day no one came until half past three in the afternoon.

At that time, the manager asked an employee to close the front door. After a while, the employee came back, "very hugging."

Sorry, sir. "He said awkwardly," the door is closed. I forgot to open it this morning. "

Roasted pig hair

A company stipulates that smoking is prohibited during working hours. One day, Xiao Wang hid his cigarettes. Seeing no one around, he lit a cigarette and was smoking vigorously. When he heard footsteps, he put a cigarette in his ear and pretended to be reading a newspaper. Colleague Xiao Chen came up to him. Xiao Wang sniffed and said, "Chen, do you smell it?" It seems to have the taste of burning pig hair. " Xiao Chen took a closer look and realized!

An angel with six fingers

The painter who painted murals for the church drew cherubs with six fingers.

"When have you ever seen an angel with six fingers?" The priest said angrily.

"No," replied the painter, "but have you ever seen an angel with five fingers?"

2. Two Japanese discuss the crowded subway. One said, "It's too crowded. My wife miscarried last week! " "Another said," what is this? My wife was squeezed and pregnant last month! ! "

3. The small animals in the forest are chatting.

The monkey said, "Elephants fart-make a song name."

The kitten said, "Who doesn't know? It is Ku Kuiji's' I want to think about it'. "

At this moment, the little turtle crawled over and said, "I thought it was Tao Jiji's pawn ..."

4. Anonymous derailed husband suddenly went home, and the husband jumped out of the window and fled, mixing with the morning running crowd. Some curious people ask: Why don't you wear clothes? Answer: streaking! Never seen it? Someone replied: I have seen streaking, but I have never seen streaking with a condom!

5. Child: "Mom, what is this?"

Mom: "This is rat poison."

Child: "Mom, is our mouse sick?"

6. Two boys walked into a coffee shop. A said, "What a nice environment!" B said, "Yes, let's eat our own hamburgers here." They were about to speak when the waiter came. "Sorry, sir, we can't eat our own food here." : "why?" "That's our rule!" Say that finish, two people go to eat hamburgers.

7. The anger of Tsinghua boys.

★ The most shocking "eyeball" event

In the summer of 2002, a beautiful woman who grew up with me came to Beijing to see me, and named her to visit Tsinghua. With only 1 bicycle available for requisition, my boyfriend at that time only took me in front and the beautiful woman behind and drove into Tsinghua. When I walked to Cao Xi, a gg came face to face. He stared at me for a few times at first, but said nothing. When he passed us, he suddenly saw a mm sitting behind him, and she was a beautiful woman. Suddenly, gg opened his eyes wide and drank from the heart: "Shit!"

Wow, I still remember that shit. I have never heard such a neutral voice in my life. ...

8. My daughter, in the first grade of primary school, wrote a composition for the first time, entitled "My first housework", to help my mother wash clothes. According to the teacher's request, parents should sign the composition. After reading it, the screenwriter's father wrote a sentence below: The above plot is pure fiction.

9. Mother asked her five-year-old daughter: What birthday present do you want this year?

The youngest daughter immediately replied: I want a box of birth control pills!

Mom immediately asked:? ! What are you doing here?

Daughter: I already have four dolls. I don't want any more.

10. Flies go to the toilet to eat.

While eating, Xiaofei said discontentedly, "Mom, why do we always eat shit?" ? "

Mother fly slapped the little fly and said angrily, "Don't say such disgusting things when eating!" " "

1 1. One night, the bride struggled to hold the wall out and scolded, "liar, he said he had thirty years' savings, and I thought it was money! ! "

12. The truth of the bridal chamber

A pair of good friends met for a drink before marriage.

A said: I asked my fiancee, and she blushed and whispered that her chest looked like an orange. I thought, oranges are oranges. We look so ordinary that one orange is enough for me to chew all my life.

B said: I also asked my daughter-in-law and didn't come in. She blushed and whispered to me that her breasts were like eggs. I thought eggs were eggs. Our family is poor, and one egg is enough for a lifetime.

They got married the same day and got together for a drink the next day.

A said: I was cheated by my wife. I never thought kumquat was also called orange.

B said: I also ate my daughter-in-law's yabakui, and poached eggs are also called eggs.

13. Boyfriend and girlfriend sleep in a room, and the woman draws a clear line: it is an animal that crosses the border!

Woke up and found that the man really didn't cross the line.

The woman slapped the man hard: you are worse than an animal!

An ancient village was discovered in an ancient mountain village. Because they have been isolated from the outside world for generations, just like people in Taoyuan, the outside world has a strong interest in them. So a beautiful female reporter went to this backward mountain village to interview the locals.

The object of her interview is an old man in his fifties. After learning about their isolated life from generation to generation, the female reporter was greatly surprised and then curious, so she planned to describe the joys and sorrows of their isolated life.

"Excuse me, what's your happiest thing these years?" The curious female reporter asked.

"One winter, the third sheep next door was lost." The old man said.

"What is there to be happy about losing a sheep?" Female reporters are more curious.

"After the sheep was lost, dozens of us went up the mountain with torches, searched for three days and three nights, and finally found it in a corner of the back mountain," said the old man, squinting.

"What happened after I found it?" The female reporter asked curiously.

"It was very late when I found it, and there was a tent in front of our house to rest in the snow. It is windy outside. We are bored. So everyone took turns to fuck the sheep. Cool! "

The female reporter obviously felt a little embarrassed, and she wanted to avoid this topic. So she interrupted the old man and asked if there were any other happy things.

"One winter, the new daughter-in-law of the old horse family in front lost her way in the mountains." The old man said.

"Did you find it?" The female reporter asked.

"We found dozens of people for three days and three nights, and finally found it in the back corner. So we pressed the tent to rest. It's windy at night in winter. We are all bored. So we take turns to fuck Ma Lao's new wife, not to mention how cool it is. " The old man said, knocking on his pipe.

The female reporter felt even more embarrassed. She decided to steer clear of this topic. So she asked, is there anything to be sad about these decades of isolated life?

The old man's face suddenly changed, his hands began to tremble, and he could hardly catch his cigarette. Two turbid tears rolled out of the sunken eyes. His lips trembled several times, and his body seemed to be shaking. After a long silence, he said:

. . . .

I lost it one winter. . . . . . .

14.

Someone keeps a parrot, which is very aggressive. One day, the owner put a chicken in a cage, and the parrot and the chicken fought. As a result, the chicken died, but the parrot was fine and said, "This is too small for me!" " After a while, the owner got an eagle and put it in a cage. As a result, the eagle died, but the parrot lost all its hair. At this moment, it spoke again: "Shit, I can't move my arm!"! " "

15. It is said that there is a person who likes police dogs very much. . . . One day I read a news in the newspaper that the price of selling police dogs was 10w. The gentleman took out his long-term savings and remitted them to the dog seller. The man said that someone would send the dog to Mr. Wang's house in three days. Three days later, the gentleman happily waited at home. At this moment, someone rang the doorbell. He opened the door and saw a young man standing in front of him with a stray dog. He asked, what can I do for you? The young man said, sir, I've come to see your dog off. You ordered it not long ago. This gentleman is very surprised. Isn't this a stray dog? There is a police dog. He calls the dog seller and the man tells him in a low voice, okay? It's plain clothes.

16. Three mice tasted the wines of the United States, Japan and China, respectively, and dropped three grades for drinking the American wine and two grades for drinking the Japanese wine. The one who drank China Erguotou held a kitchen knife and shouted, "T M D, where's the cat?"

17. My wife wants to lose weight, so she goes cycling every day. As a result, the horse lost 40 pounds in a month.

18. bus IC card

It was a few years ago, when the bus arrived at the station, a tall woman came over. Her IC card may be in the back pocket of jeans, so as soon as she got on the bus, she leaned her ass against the credit card machine and got into the trunk with a drip. This woman is followed by a short old lady. She felt strange. How can she get on the bus as long as she leans her ass against that thing? So as soon as she got on the bus, she tried her best. Aunt said: Isn't that girl riding on her ass here? Haha, I see. The driver can't laugh or cry, so he can only explain to him that other girls use IC cards, but aunt doesn't understand that shrimp is called IC cards. She still pesters the driver. "You are so unreasonable. When a beautiful girl pouts with you, you let people in. My wife has pushed your ass so many times, and you won't let me in. What do you mean? " Everyone in the trunk laughed, and the driver just waved her in because he couldn't get off the stage.

19. I heard wrong.

A foreigner holding a ticket for 50 yuan waved it in front of the conductor: See? Have you seen it? ……

The conductor was stupid, so he simply took out a program of 100: Have you seen it?

Finally, I learned that the man wanted to go to "Jianguomen!"

In a fashion shop, I saw an impatient young man say to a beautiful girl, "Would you mind talking to me?" The girl asked curiously, "Why?" "My wife has been in this store for more than an hour, but if she sees me talking to you, she will come out at once ..." Before he finished, his wife quickly walked out of the boutique and carried him away.

2 1. Female, sweet, very fat! This woman has a hobby: she hates ants and kills them when she sees them.

Ask him the old saying: this little thing loves sweets so much and his waist is so thin!

22. There are two birds in the tree. The hunter raised his gun and killed one. He found it hairless. He's thinking. Another bird flew down and cursed the hunter: MD, you shot her down as soon as I stripped her naked!

23. On the bus, the pregnant woman standing said to the strange man sitting next to her: Don't you know I'm pregnant? I saw the man very nervous and said, but the child is not mine!

24. A man went to the toilet after drinking. When he came back, he said to his companion, "This hotel has a good business. Even the toilet has two tables!" So I continued to drink. Immediately, a group of people rushed into the room to hold the man down and beat him up. The companion asked him why, and replied, "This kid just goes to our private room to pee!" " "

former husband

A couple divorced because of bad feelings. Later, after divorce, his wife remarried; When I remarried, no.

I thought my ex-husband was rude, so I went to the wedding church to find Zha-he went to find the bride and groom.

Face, and then tell the groom a word:

Nothing, it's all used second-hand by others!

As a result, the groom's face changed immediately and he was very unhappy!

As for the bride, just take a gentle look at her ex-husband, then at the groom, and then say a word to the groom:

"It doesn't matter! Only the front inch is old, and the back is all new! 」

One day, aqt was chatting with wsj's parents. Aqt said to wsj, Sister, don't go to work. As soon as you started work, I lost my business for seven days. Wsj listened and said to aqt: Be content, if you fucking leak, I won't have a job for ten months!

25. A girl walked into the management department of a big company and asked, "Do you want a female secretary?"

"Miss, we would like to hire you, but there is no job to do in the current economic crisis."

"I don't care if I have a job, as long as I have a salary!"

26.

The only girl in the department came to watch the basketball game. Suddenly, the MM skirt was blown by the strong wind, and the foreign boy shouted, "God, spring is missing!" " "The boy in the department said with a calm face," Please, this is dirty clothes! "

Examiner: Do you have a boyfriend?

Applicant: Yes.

Examiner: Is he a local?

Applicant: No, he is out of town.

Examiner: Sorry, we can't use you.

Applicant: Why?

Examiner: You won't work here for long. In addition, our company doesn't want to greatly increase the long-distance telephone charges because of you.

(2)

Examiner: Do you have a girlfriend?

Applicant:No..

Examiner: Have you ever chased a girl?

Applicant: I did, but I missed it.

Examiner: Do you chase girls after work?

Work hard first and put aside personal problems for the time being.

Examiner: Sorry, we can't use you.

Applicant: Why?

Examiner: Your public relations ability is not good and you lack confidence.

(3)

Examiner: Do you have a girlfriend?

Applicant: Yes.

Examiner: Is she beautiful?

Interviewee: Not beautiful.

Examiner: Sorry, we can't use you.

Interviewer: Does the unattractive girlfriend affect the image of your company?

Examiner: No. However, our company deals in artworks, and your aesthetic taste doesn't seem to suit our business needs.

(4)

Examiner: Do you have a girlfriend?

Applicant: Yes.

Examiner: Is she beautiful?

Interviewee: It's beautiful.

Examiner: Was she your first love?

Applicant: Yes.

Examiner: Sorry, we can't use you. Because you lack the enterprise to pursue constantly.

(5)

Examiner: Do you have a girlfriend?

Applicant: Yes.

Examiner: Was she your first love?

Interviewee: No, I have talked about a few before.

Examiner: Sorry, we can't use you. Because you will jump ship soon.

(6)

Examiner: Do you have a boyfriend?

Applicant: Yes.

Examiner: Is he rich?

Applicant:No..

Examiner: Sorry, we can't use you. Because your job involves money, I'm afraid you can't stand the temptation.

(7)

Examiner: Do you have a boyfriend?

Applicant: Yes.

Examiner: Is he rich?

Applicant: Yes, he has his own company.

Examiner: Sorry, your boyfriend's company doesn't need you, let alone we can't use you.

Applicant: However, there is no position suitable for me in his company.

Examiner: Then what's your major?

Applicant: Secretary.

Examiner: Sorry, we still can't use you. Beautiful girls will affect our manager's work.

Applicant: But I'm not beautiful?

Examiner: That would be even worse. If you are not beautiful, the manager will not be interested in you.

Without electricity, we can only "that"!

There is a place in Shaanxi that is not only poor, but also has a large population. The county sent an investigation team to investigate why the population grew so fast.

A local villager replied: We are remote here.

The leader asked: What does this have to do with the large number of people?

Answer: There is no electricity.

The leader is strange: this is not directly related!

Villagers' solution: What are you doing without electricity?

What is produced in Jiangnan?

The mid-term exam is coming. One day in geography class, the teacher reported a place name on it. Let's answer the local minerals. After talking about many places, the teacher suddenly asked, "What is produced in Jiangnan?" The boys in the class said in unison: "Jiangnan produces beautiful women!"

MM fart: can't take care of both.

A young lady and an old lady are sitting on the train together. The young lady wanted to fart, but she couldn't hold back, so she pretended to clean the window with her hands and fart continuously with the sound of friction. However, the old lady sitting next to her said to her, "The sound is OK, but what about the smell?"

Reasons for Teachers' Collective Resignation

All the teachers in Class 5, Grade 2 of Talent Middle School collectively submitted their resignation applications to the Academic Affairs Office. The reason for this is the following：

Chinese teacher: In class, a classmate was reading a magazine. I confiscated his magazine and hit him on the head. ...

But when I turned to continue the class, his deskmate actually burst out laughing, which made the class impossible.

I asked him, what are you laughing at? Do you know what he answered me? The boy took out a book "Cihai" from the drawer and said to me, "Teacher, it's a good thing you didn't find me reading, or you would have killed me ..."

Math teacher: a classmate who has never failed in the exam can actually use high school knowledge in his homework ... I asked him if he did this homework himself, and the classmate replied that I didn't know. Tell me, that's more like it I will continue to ask him who helped him honestly. Hey, he has a reason. He replied, "Teacher, I really don't know who did this homework."

Physics teacher: Do you know how many classes I have taught, one clockwise and the other counterclockwise? Five classes! !

Yes, that's what I told them. I told them to look at their watches if they didn't understand. Clockwise hands are clockwise wherever they go, and vice versa. However, if the whole class counts, it's either a mobile phone or an electronic watch ... I will teach them these two words for a semester unless I resign.

PE teacher: Why don't I quit? Those boys gave me presents! ! No, it's right to give gifts. I'm not saying that they gave me a wrong gift, but that they gave me a wrong gift.

I'm getting confused. Let's just say that although I'm a little thin and my skin is a little white, I'm still a male teacher, right? But a few days ago, on March 8th Women's Day, those boys gave me a box of depilatory cream ... and ... and told me not to wear woolen pants in summer. Shit, that's my leg hair!

Biology teacher: I really don't want to go, but ... you know, I have a heart attack and can't stand being excited, but can I not be excited? Yesterday's unit exam, according to the requirements of the syllabus, I asked the students to look at the bird legs in the teaching pictures and write down the names and living habits of birds. But as soon as I said the content of the exam, a classmate stood up and walked outside, muttering, "Shit, I won't take the exam if there is such a question ..." Do you think such students need education? I stopped him and asked him his name. He actually pulled his trouser leg and exposed his leg and said to me, "Come, look at my leg and write my name ..."

Art teacher: You know, I have just been assigned to this class. Yesterday in class, I heard several students shouting "beauty" as soon as I entered the door. Do you find it irritating? I am a teacher. How can they be so rude? ..... Yes, it was wrong for me to resign because they called me "beauty", but when I wanted someone to call me "beauty", those classmates shouted to me: "What are you looking at? I'm not calling you!"

History teacher: Those students really can't teach. In class, I asked a question: "Do you know who Wu Zetian is?" The first classmate replied that she was not familiar with her, the second classmate replied that it was one of his netizens, the third classmate said that she had her QQ number and asked her after class ... Another classmate even took out his mobile phone and said that he would ask her out immediately!

Geography teacher: Look at their papers yourself. The top of the five famous mountains in China is Zhao Benshan, and the most famous river is Pan Changjiang. The coal in China is black, and the iron in China is hard. How can I attend class?

English teacher: When I was talking about independent structure, I specially taught them an example according to the requirements of the textbook: "Our teacher came into the classroom with a book under his arm." Our teacher came into the classroom with a book under his arm, but during the exam, all the students translated it as "the teacher came into the classroom with a book under his leg" ...

Music teacher: I was in class, demonstrating a song ... After singing, all the students applauded. I am very happy. I was thinking that other teachers might have wrong teaching methods ... but they gave me a negative answer before I finished thinking about it. They shouted, "Teacher, that's great. You are the best ventriloquist among all the teachers. This is the first time we have heard such a duckling! "

Chemistry teacher: Me? Are you asking me? I haven't started class yet, and other teachers have been forced to resign. I'm waiting to bear their pain, if I don't quit.

It is said that one day, God had nothing to do, so he walked around in heaven and came to the gate of heaven.

There was a long line, and the archangel Peter was sitting at the table, registering the people who were going to heaven.

As soon as Peter saw God, he was overjoyed and shouted, "God! It's so nice of you to come. I'm going to the bathroom. Will you answer first? "

Then Peter left and God sat at the table.

At this moment, an old man is standing in front of the table. God looked at the old man's gray hair and haggard and vicissitudes, and somehow he felt deeply.

God asked the old man gently, "What was your occupation before you died?"

"Carpenter." The old man replied.

God was deeply shocked and quickly asked, "Do you have a son?"

The old man's face suddenly became very sad: "Yes, but he left me many years ago and I never saw him again." My poor child. "

God suddenly stood up: "So. . . Your son, he ... . . Was his hands and feet nailed? "

The old man looked at God in surprise. "Yes, but, God, how do you know?"

God held the old man with tears in his eyes: "Oh! Dad, I finally found you! "

The old man's face immediately glowed with joy: "Oh, I can't believe how big you have grown! Is it really you? Pinocchio? "

interview

Three applicants from the Police Academy are waiting for an interview. The examiner called the first candidate in and handed him a picture of a man, asking him to look carefully and tell him the noteworthy features. After a few minutes, the examinee said, "This man has only one ear."

The examiner said, "This is a side view."

The examiner showed the second candidate the same photo and asked the same question.

The second candidate picked up the photo and looked at it carefully for a while, then replied, "This man has only one ear."

The examiner was unhappy and replied, "This is a profile photo!"

He also told the third candidate to look at the photos. A few minutes later, the examinee said, "This person wears contact lenses."

The examiner was slightly surprised, so he looked at the information. "You're right! How did you see that? "

The third candidate said, "It's very simple. He can't wear ordinary glasses because he has only one ear. "

Christian

One day, an atheist was walking in the forest, admiring everything created by evolution.

What a magnificent tree! What a spectacular river! What a beautiful animal! "He secretly admire in my heart. When he was walking along the river bank, he suddenly heard a noise in the bushes behind him. He turned around and saw a big bear three meters high coming at him! Startled, he turned and ran away along the path, and the bear was getting closer and closer. . . . . .

His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster.

Oh, dear! He tripped.

When he rolled over to jump up, the bear was right in front of him, his left palm pressed on him, and his right palm was about to swing down. . . . .

"My God!" He shouted.

Suddenly, time stood still, the bear froze, the forest was silent, and even the river stopped flowing. ...

Amazing bright light shone on him, and thunder sounded from all directions. "You have denied my existence for so many years, taught others that I don't exist, and even attributed everything I created to the accident of the universe. Now you expect me to save you from trouble? Can I count you as a believer? "

The atheist looked up at the light with difficulty and said, "If I ask to be a Christian now, it would be hypocritical, but maybe you can turn this bear into a Christian?"

"Good," said the voice.

The light faded away, the forest resumed its usual sound, and the river began to gurgle again. ...

I saw a bear kneeling on one knee, two paws on his chest, bowed their heads and said

"Lord, thank you for giving me delicious food."

I have committed many crimes against my husband.

1, took a bus to work this morning and ate apricots, so there was no place to throw them. Now we can't throw spiritual civilization around, but there is no trash can in the car, and there is nothing we can do. I hugged my husband's neck and threw them into his shirt. After getting off the bus, I gave him a sweet smile and told him that I licked the core clean and there was no residue on it. According to the accumulation, the things that have been thrown on my husband's neck stalk are: plum kernels, invalid tickets, and a one-dollar coin (I promise I didn't throw it on purpose, but accidentally fell in).

2. Sometimes when I go to work at the age of 22, there is only one seat in the car. Sure, my husband asked me to sit down. I always get off work earlier than my husband. I got up and said loudly, "Grandpa, come here!" " Let the whole car watch him.

3. If I have something delicious, I will spit on my husband first. If he doesn't want to eat it, he will give it to me (in fact, it was originally for me). Later, he learned this trick. First, he spat on my food. I caught the right food and said it loudly.

None of us dare to yawn in front of each other recently, because as long as one side opens its mouth, the other side will "poof" at that big mouth. Ha ha.

When sleeping at night, pretend to be close to him, lean on him tightly, and then squeeze him under the bed.

6. Walking in the street, suddenly pretending not to know him, then introducing yourself to him, and then selling what you have to him to cheat him out of pocket money.

7. At home, we often play games of eucalyptus and koala. He spread out his arms and pretended to be a big tree. I grabbed him by the neck and ran up, with my legs tightly around his waist. I said I was a koala and sniffed around his face to see if there were any leaves to eat. After a while, my husband will shout, oh, no, the bark is going to fall off. When I saw it, haha, I didn't have the strength myself.

8. When my husband comes back from working overtime at night, I can hear him open the door early and sniff him up and down like a puppy.

9. When eating, I deliberately served him a lot of rice, which was much higher than the bowl. Then I took my empty bowl and said piteously to him, "Grandpa, have a good meal."