The circle of friends made a real joke.

1. I went to deposit money at noon While waiting in line, a beautiful woman asked me at the back: "Save money?" "Yes!" "I just want to withdraw money. Anyway, if you want to save it, you might as well give it to me without waiting in line. " I thought it made sense, so I gave her the money.

2. Get on the bus in the afternoon, take out the bus card and bump into the slot.

One day, I found that my mobile phone was missing. I searched my bag and every corner of the house, but it didn't work. I sat on the ground depressed, took out my mobile phone from my pocket and sent a short message to everyone: I lost my mobile phone.

My neighbor forgot his key, turned it over from my balcony, found the key in the house, turned it back, and opened his door. What's even more amazing is that I met on the balcony from beginning to end and didn't feel anything wrong. Well, our heads must have passed through the same door.

I remember the first time I confessed to a girl, I was so nervous that I said, "Well, that, XX, I'll be your girlfriend."

6. A few days ago at work, a young colleague asked for a bottle of big Sprite, poured it around for everyone, and the bottle was empty when it was his turn. So my colleague shook the Sprite bottle and said to the waiter, "Is this still available?" The waiter ran over, took the bottle and examined it carefully. He said sincerely, "No more."

7. Have dinner with two enthusiastic female colleagues in the company (plump type), who have arranged for me to be introduced.

I want to say: you two matchmakers are really enthusiastic.

As a result, I opened my mouth: you two fat women. .....

8. Boys play Warcraft. The counselor rounds the room, furious, grabs the mouse, drags the desktop shortcut of Warcraft into the recycle bin, empties it, and says, let you play again!

9. Today, my dad called my mom's cell phone, and my mom was busy, so I answered it.

Me: Hello.

Dad: Well, where is your dad?

Me: Huh?

Dad: What is your father doing?

Me: Hmm. . . make a telephone call

Dad: Oh, please ask him to call me back when he is finished.

10. Once everyone was playing mahjong, and the power went out, so they lit candles and continued to play. Later, someone was too hot and shouted "Hey ~ turn on the electric fan". Everyone quickly advised, "No, no, the candle will be blown out.

1 1. I like this pair of gloves. The boss wanted 35 yuan, and I said I'd take 30 yuan. The boss insisted on 35 yuan and refused to give in after several rounds of talks. I thought about it and gave one to 50 yuan. He quickly gave me 35 yuan. . . .

12. A topic requires connecting the following four sentences with related words:

1, sister Zhang Haidi is paralyzed;

2. Sister Zhang Haidi studied tenaciously;

3. Sister Zhang Haidi learned a lot of foreign languages;

4. Sister Zhang Haidi studied acupuncture.

The correct answer should be: "Sister Zhang Haidi, although paralyzed, studied hard and learned not only many foreign languages, but also acupuncture.

As a result, one child wrote: Sister Zhang Haidi was paralyzed despite her tenacious study of acupuncture and many foreign languages.

I found a more fierce child writing: Sister Zhang Haidi not only learned a foreign language, but also learned acupuncture. She studied so doggedly that she was finally paralyzed!

13. When cooking at noon, my mother gave me a pot of carrots: "Go, cut the carrots into diced meat!" "

14. My name is Zhu, and I am in the computer room of the management unit. Someone once called my mobile phone: "Sir Chicken, are you in the pigsty?" I was yelling at that guy.

15. A leader led everyone to drink, raised his glass and shouted, "Let's die together!"

All (...)

16. I remember once buying a fruit called Elizabeth. I opened my mouth and said, boss, how much is Shakespeare? The boss froze on the spot.

17. Rice noodle store

Boss, have some onions instead of rice noodles.

Boss (...)

Someone (looking for a seat to add back): No onions!

Boss (tears streaming down her face): Do you want rice noodles or onions?

18. Once I went to the market to buy food for dinner, a Korean friend bought lettuce from 2.4 yuan. He gave all the change to the vendor, and he was still short of a dime, so he said to the vendor-

"I gave you all my hair, so I have no hair."

The peddler was speechless, and it took him a long time to answer-

I don't want your hair.

19. I once chatted while eating in the canteen, and suddenly found myself dropping a grain of rice outside, secretly feeling sorry for the farmer's uncle's waste of food, so I picked it up and ate it. But then I found out that this meal didn't seem to be mine. ...

20. Xiao Qiang made a speech at the rally, and the following people were all ears.

Xiao Qiang said, "I hate two kinds of people the most! One is racist, one is black and the third is illiterate! "

The people below were sweating like a pig. . .

2 1. After swimming yesterday, open the trunk, throw the key in, and then close the trunk. ...

22. Go to a good friend's house to chat. When her father came back, he began to call her "Aunt". Embarrassed, her mother appeared again, opened her mouth and called her "uncle" ... and then she doubted her IQ infinitely.

23. Once I went to buy Regan Noodles, there was a couple in front of me. The boss asked them if they wanted coriander. The man said no and the woman said why not.

I was thinking, "Coriander, why do men want coriander and women don't want coriander ..."

I was lost in thought, and the boss asked me, what to eat? I answered loudly without hesitation: "Coriander! ! ! "

24. When I was in high school, I got up early. My mother made me a schoolbag and took it to school early. Usually steamed bread. My mother cooked porridge when there was no class on Sunday. I don't know what happened to me. I picked up the porridge and threw it in my schoolbag. ...

25. One day, when talking about the large number of people buying roast duck, her old man said without thinking, "At the end of work, there were a lot of people buying roast duck, and I saw the roast duck queuing in front of that window."

26. Call the Finance Department to find a Zhou Chunmei.

I picked up the phone, very excited: I am Zhou Chunmei. . . =_=|||

Zhou Chunmei: You are Zhou Chunmei, so who am I? . .

27. Once I had breakfast at school, a classmate swiped my card in front of me, but the machine didn't respond. I said gloomily that the machine was broken. I said, let me try. The machine really didn't respond after swiping the card! He changed another one, still the same, very angry! I just wanted to put the card in my bag and found a bank card in my hand. I laugh wildly! He pointed at me and laughed even harder, so I took my ID card!

28. When I was in college, one year when school started, people from the fifth dormitory called the dormitory of the railway station to see if there was anyone, and asked people from the fourth dormitory to pick me up.

"Hello, Old Four, is my property and dormitory occupied?"

Old four dozed off in a daze: "Ah, old five, you have the wrong number. This is Jiaogan (next to the school). "

"Oh, sorry, wrong number."

After a while, Lao Wu looked at the number dialed by his mobile phone and thought it was right. He called back.

"You old four, fool me, is there anyone in the dormitory?"

"no"

"Oh, then I'll stay at a friend's house tonight."

"Ok, see you tomorrow."

29. In the morning, a plastic bag in the left hand is full of snacks, and a plastic bag in the right hand is garbage. I opened the trash can in the morning and threw a bag with a bang. Then I went to the company with another Shi Shiran. I was hungry at noon and wanted to eat snacks. I opened the cupboard and found a bag of garbage inside.

30. I took the subway into the gate, brushed my mobile phone on the gate, and kept telling the people waiting for me why I couldn't brush it out. The machine is broken. . . Sweating. . .

3 1.20 years ago, my mother sent my one-year-old sister to kindergarten on a 28-inch Phoenix men's bike. When she arrived at the kindergarten, she made a mantis gesture, shook her legs and felt something. She wouldn't push the car forward. After a few steps, someone shouted "Comrade, this comrade ..." My mother turned around and saw my little sister, who was over one year old, still in a sitting position and fell to the ground. After more than 20 years, my little sister refused to ride my mother's bike anyway. This hatred also lasted for more than 20 years. ...

32. I like to eat all melon seeds. The magic height is one foot and the height is ten feet. After eating all the pills, I poured the melon seeds on the plate into the trash can and looked at another plate of melon seeds in a daze.

33. The monitor stood by and shook his mouse, or stood by. I shook it hard for a long time and found that I was shaking my mobile phone. ...

34. Go shopping by bike and leave the car unlocked when you enter the store. Come out after shopping, lock the car and get ready to go by bike. . .

35. When I was a child, I liked to bite the nib. One day, I felt something was wrong when I bit it. Especially salty, and then I found that I took a sip of ink.

36. Once I peeled an apple, and I was proud that the long string was not broken. I threw the apple into the trash can and sent it to my mouth with the skin!

37. When I scrambled eggs and tomatoes, I smashed the cooked eggs at the edge of the bowl for a long time and told my wife that the eggs were bad.

38. Last time I had a cold injection, the nurse told me to take off my pants and almost took it off to the end ~

39. I was dizzy in the company once and wanted to go to the toilet. I unconsciously walked to the front of the pure water machine and looked at half a bucket of water. I didn't even react. I unzipped my crotch with a "Z" ... Suddenly I reacted. I zipped it with a "Z" and returned to my seat as if nothing had happened. Fortunately, there is no one around. On second thought, I guess I was too busy at work. . .

40. Find out the last cigarette end in the cigarette case at the picnic, throw zippo directly into the fire, put the cigarette case back in the bag, and still have a barbecue. Then a bunch of sparks burned two people's clothes and destroyed two bowls of jiaozi.

4 1. Use your mobile phone as a lighter to light a cigarette, and use it as a TV remote control.

42. While cooking, the phone rang. After answering the phone, put it directly in the dish basin. As a result, it went into the pot with the food. Then I looked at the mobile phone in the pot for a long time before I took it out quickly. Fortunately, lettuce was fried at that time ... if Mapo tofu ... everything would be over. ...

43. When I was in college, I went home with my roommate and changed clothes together after entering the door. Suddenly I saw a Xiao Qiang, so she went to pia, and then she took Xiao Qiang's body to scare me. I was afraid of bugs and ran out nervously as soon as I opened the door. She continued to chase me excitedly. . . When I got to the elevator, I "woke up" and found myself wearing only underwear. She ... . . . . Only wearing pants. . . . Fortunately, there is no one in the corridor. . . .

44. I washed my hands in the bathroom before eating. Seeing the mirror, my brain suddenly shorted out. I skillfully picked up the cup toothbrush, squeezed the facial cleanser on the toothbrush, and hummed a little song to brush my teeth. I wonder why the toothpaste tastes wrong today.

45. On the first day of work, someone called the manager (female) and gave him the phone by the way. Mom, someone asked for you and answered the phone.

46. Once in a computer class, I sent a message to my boyfriend and bravely shouted to the teacher, "Husband! My computer is not networked! " The noisy classroom immediately quieted down. Five seconds later, everyone burst into laughter. The teacher is a little old man in his fifties.

47. My sister has a mobile phone and a PHS. One day, she changed a new mobile phone card. A colleague asked her what her new number was. She said she forgot, so she dialed her PHS with her changed mobile phone. While dialing, I continued to chat with my colleagues. After PHS rang, she answered and asked, "Hello? ..... hello? ..... You talk, don't talk, I hang up! "

All the colleagues present were stunned.

Then she hung up and said, "psycho, don't talk on the phone."

48. One day, a classmate went to visit Zhongguancun, and a stall owner leaned in and asked, "Do you want a hard disk? Cheap "students took it and said," How hard is it? "

49. I remember when I was in the fifth grade of primary school, the class teacher asked a group of junior one students: Where are you from? The classmate said, "Yi people" and then asked the second classmate, "What about you? A: "Er nationality"

50. Guest A: Boss, is the iced soybean milk hot? ……

5 1. A friend went to buy home appliances and saw a weighing scale on the ground. This friend is fat and wants to try the scale when he sees it. So I stepped on it immediately, with a bang. It turned out to be an induction cooker.

52. That was the first time I used a bus IC card. After I got on the bus, I showed my card to the driver and went straight to my seat. No, the driver said "read the card", so I read the IC card carefully: "Hefei bus IC card ~ ~", and the driver said "read it over there", so I went to the place where the driver pointed and read it hard: "Hefei bus IC card …"

53. Old four got out of bed in the dormitory and looked for slippers for a long time. No, I asked everyone: Where are my slippers?

54. Waiting in line in the canteen, I heard a boy next to me say, "Master, a bowl of bullet cauliflower soup!" (Porphyra and egg soup) Haha, I laughed until I sprayed the soup.