The inner monologue of a working girl: My heart is not strong enough and I can only rely on my face to make ends meet.

After all, I haven’t been home for several years. Girls in our village who are about the same age as me have all gone out to work. A small number of those who can study have been admitted to college. After graduating from college, they have taken root in the city. , the rest got married and had children in their hometowns, and now their children are all spoiled for choice. Those who can study are gifted by God and can control their own destiny. Those students with good grades are basically living a good life now. Those who stay in their hometowns accept their fate and don't bother. Their living conditions are a little more difficult, but they don't have high requirements. They want to get married. Give birth to a baby and live a happy life.

Most of us who come out to work, to be honest, don’t want to go back to the countryside, but they still can’t establish a firm foothold in the city. It’s really a dilemma and there is no way out.

Sometimes I want to go back to my hometown. After all, my parents are still there. I want to find an honest boy from ten miles and eight villages to live a good life, so that I can live in my hometown all my life. Take care of your parents, take good care of men, and take care of your children, and your life will be considered complete.

But such men are really hard to find. Most of the boys my age have gone out to work. Basically, only the elderly and children are left in the village. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable when I go home. If you want to find a husband-in-law who is closer to your parents, you usually look for them while working. Many sisters go out to work and meet fellow villagers. They think it is suitable, and they can talk about it, so they go back to get married.

I am born in the 1980s and was born in a rural area. My parents were very good to us brothers and sisters. We had food, drink and clothes to wear since we were young. Although I can’t say that I was well-fed or well-dressed, I was never hungry. Over the stomach. Thinking about it, my father is still very capable and my mother is very virtuous. They just raised us three sisters.

I was naughty when I was a child. I was like a boy, playing together and going crazy every day. Childhood is always carefree and innocent. Now think about it, the happiest and happiest years are those in childhood.

From going to school to graduating from junior high school, everything was normal. My parents always said that I should study hard, but they could only talk about it. As for whether they could study hard, they had no choice. Study hard, where are you going to listen to this? You are ignorant and playful, and the teaching level in the town is average. Anyway, after nine years of compulsory education, only one or two students who are good at reading are admitted to the county high school.

Most of the students went their separate ways after graduating from junior high school. Those who especially didn’t want to study would follow their relatives abroad to work in Guangdong and Fujian. They were under the age of 18 when they entered a regular large factory, so they could only go to a black factory or service industry. Some of the female classmates no longer study, and some of them stay at home with matchmakers, and usually they get engaged.

Half of the female classmates entered the high school in the town. Regardless of the style of study or the admission rate, there are only a few hundred people in the middle school in the town who are admitted to college. There are only a dozen or so undergraduates in the college entrance examination every year, and most of them are Vocational colleges.

Many male and female students start to fall in love, and there are several couples who get married right after graduating from high school, and then go out to work together. There are happy people and unhappy people.

I also fell in love once for no reason, and then we broke up after graduating from high school. Some people stopped studying after the first and second years of high school, and basically went out to work. I also didn’t want to study for a long time. My grades and appearance were average, so I could only wait until I graduated from high school.

I want to study and study. I also understand that knowledge changes destiny. Reading is the only way out, but I just can’t get into it and I don’t want to read.

I went to school every day in a daze, and I was in my second year of high school in a daze. I was so deeply hurt by the boy I loved so much that I no longer wanted to study. I didn’t want to get married in my hometown. I wanted to go out and see the outside world. I contacted my classmates who had gone out before, but my father did not agree. No matter what, he demanded that I graduate from high school.

High school is also very tempting. I see some of my junior high school classmates getting married and having children, and some of them are living very happily, finding good husbands, and having husbands who treat me well. I can't help but feel a little envious.

My classmates who went out to work in the early days came back and lavished money, and they all said they had found a lot of money. The outside world is very exciting, and there are all kinds of wonders in the world. I feel that I also want to see the outside world.

The few female classmates who played well were similar to me. They tried their best in their studies and completed their homework according to the teacher's requirements. Their grades were also average. At that time, I thought that just average would be enough. Anyway, if you can’t get good grades in exams, it’s not easy to integrate into their circle.

We don’t despise each other. Those with good grades look down on us, and we look down on those with worse grades. Anyway, we are all in our own circles.

My parents have never forced me to get married, although my mother occasionally mentioned it, saying that all the girls from a certain family are married, and if they marry the right husband's family, they live a good life, and they don't need to worry about this at all. words.

I also have the idea of ????getting married quickly. If I am lucky enough to marry a good husband, it will save my parents a lot of worry and trouble. I have been obedient since I was a child, and I will do whatever my parents say. Although they have not finished junior high school, I think they are all doing it for the good of us three sisters. However, my father thinks that I am still young at only eighteen years old. If I want to go out to work, he supports me. Going out to explore and broaden my horizons is good.

Logically speaking, the whole family is similar, with the same parents, the same family and the same environment. Later, the younger brother and younger sister both loved reading, and both were pretty good. I haven't figured this out yet.

I can only say that I am not good at reading, and I blame it on my laziness. Although I am quite sensible, I may not have the talent or interest in reading.

I came out with my relatives and took a long-distance bus to Shenzhen for more than ten hours. Due to the introduction of my relatives, I was assigned to do "screw" work on the assembly line. Later, I moved to work with classmates, fellow villagers, and finally I was looking for a job alone. I have done a lot of things over the years.

The company has arranged dormitories for eight people. Because the morning and evening shifts are staggered, there are always four people. Like a running water mat in the countryside, it was noisy with people coming and going, and most of them had no fixed rest time. They came from all over the world, and they all chatted in the dark at first. Everyone was in the same situation. They just came out if they didn’t like reading. Gradually, they didn’t have much time to rest. Many different languages.

The turnover of personnel is too fast. I just tried to have a heart-to-heart relationship with a girl. Either she went to another factory or found a boyfriend. Some of them went directly back to their hometown to get married.

The work on the assembly line is very tiring, and the basic salary is too low. If you don’t work overtime, you will get very little money, but it doesn’t matter if one person has enough to eat and the whole family is not hungry. Women with families will complain when they are not allowed to work overtime. They would rather work overtime every day so that they can use more wages to supplement their family income.

It was very rare to not work overtime at first. I worked more than ten hours a day and slept until the end of get off work. I lived a life of two o'clock and one line in the assembly line dormitory every day. I was too busy to go to the city to play, so I went shopping together on holidays. Shopping for clothes, pants and daily necessities.

In the first year, apart from daily pocket money, I didn’t have any big expenses. Most of the money was sent back to my parents. My mother said she wouldn’t touch a penny of mine, so she saved it all for me. stand up. I asked them to give it to my younger brothers and sisters, which relieved some of their burdens. My father was very stubborn, and the family couldn't open the pot many times, but my mother was still not allowed to touch the money. Later, I simply gave it to my younger brothers and sisters, as a family. I came out, which could somewhat reduce their burden.

Over time, this kind of work will wear people out of their temper, and since I am almost 20 years old, I start to feel restless inside. The first year I went back to celebrate the New Year, I sold a large box of large and small bags. My family, old and young, and grandparents all brought gifts back.

After I had some money, I began to feel turbulent in my heart. I worked day and night all year round, working day shifts and night shifts for a long time. Suddenly I felt so pitiful, all alone and helpless, and I started to feel a little attached to home and didn't want to go out. .

My mother began to explore whether she would have a boyfriend and when she would get married. I was a little panicked. I no longer wanted to do assembly line work in my second year. I had very few opportunities to meet boys, let alone meet the right ones. At this time, there were several boys from my hometown who had this intention and idea for me. . I had been dating one of them for several months and planned to get married together, but later we broke up again due to various reasons.

The sisters who work together usually work for a period of time, find a suitable boyfriend, and the two of them go back to get married. The woman gives birth to and takes care of the children at home, and the man goes out alone. work to earn a living. When the children are almost old, they are left to the old man, and the two of them come out together. After earning three or two years, they go back to repair the house and settle down the children and the old man. Life will get better and better, and if conditions are better, the wife will not have to go out to take care of the children and support the elderly at home.

If an unkind man behaves in an unkind manner, most of the unfortunate ones are girls. Many older ladies who work together are very unfortunate, having given birth to several children to men, living apart in two places for a long time, and having many family conflicts. While women are at home, men are also out eating, drinking, whoring and gambling. How should I put it, there are good and bad, and there are all kinds of men.

Slowly learned to dress up and put on makeup, know how to clean myself up, and learned some dressing and matching skills. It’s true as the old saying goes: There is no ugly woman, only yourself who doesn’t know how to dress up.

Don’t tell me, the more I dress up, the more likely I will turn heads, and more boys will ask me for my phone number. There was a time when it was popular among girls to lose weight. I lost dozens of kilograms without eating or drinking, and even my face looked slimmer.

Okay, I’ve said a lot, but I’m going too far, and I’ll briefly talk about my background and upbringing.

Aren’t you asking me how I make a living with my face? I will start talking about this part below. Hey sister... aren't you asleep?

Later on, I had no intention of doing assembly line work. It was too painful, tiring and depressing. Mainly, I was worried about not being able to get married and not being able to meet the right person. I was not honest in my heart. I saw that all my friends, classmates and fellow villagers were getting married. Some found rich men, some returned home to get married, some found others in other provinces, and some were still unmarried.

In a girl’s mind, who doesn’t want to find a man who is rich, handsome and knows how to care about her, but the reality is like this, you will never have such good luck all by yourself. Usually, rich men are more dishonest. Honest men have no money. They are handsome and carefree, while those who are not carefree are ugly. It depends on who bows to reality first. Girls, how can they stand it? Ah, a man in his forties or fifties can still marry a young girl of seventeen or eighteen years old. If it were a woman in her forties or fifties, where would she find a boy of seventeen or eighteen?

Life when working is too monotonous, boring, and even harder and more tiring than when I was studying. In a closed factory, there are no close friends. Everyone seems to be doing well on the surface, but few people are willing to talk about their inner thoughts.

Not long after, I went to the city with my friends, and this time it was an eye-opener. The so-called outside world is the real world, with all kinds of feasting and entertainment, and countless luxurious and high-end places.

I first worked with my friends at a certain brand clothing store in the commercial pedestrian street. It was quite easy. I only worked eight hours a day. The basic salary plus commission was better than that of an assembly line. The salary and benefits were also good. But did I get a job? How long did it take to give up?

Because I have met more friends and sisters, I want to work somewhere with a higher salary. A good sister works as a receptionist in a hotel. She is beautiful and has a good figure. The natural advantages of women are obvious. If she is married to a rich man, she will have no worries for the rest of her life.

I also have this idea. After all, I am not ugly. Girls study to get a good job, earn money, marry a good man, and live a peaceful life. How should I put it, students who are admitted to college may have a greater chance of meeting a good man, but it doesn’t rule out that I won’t be able to meet a good man!

Soon I changed jobs again and went to sell jewelry. Later, my purpose became more clear and I went to buy high-end watches, and I really met rich people. I also met several people who had some feelings for me, and we gradually started dating. At this time, my salary was several times what it was on the assembly line. I was also very satisfied. I felt that earning tens of thousands a month was really not an astronomical figure.

A few days after I returned the next year, there were some rumors among the folks in the village, saying that I might have been someone else’s mistress outside, being kept by a man, or that I was being sold.

Their reason was that I suddenly became rich, dressed fashionably, even wore skirts and tights in the winter, made up to look like a ghost, my hair turned yellow, my face was fair, and I suddenly became tall and thin. She became thinner and more beautiful.

It really didn’t exist at that time. The money in my hands was clean hard-earned wages. It was quite aggrieved. I secretly cried at home for several days during the Spring Festival. You said that these rumors spread quickly. Within a few days after the Spring Festival, all the villages in the ten miles and eight villages knew about it. My mother didn't say much, but she was so angry that I didn't eat at home for several days. I couldn't explain it no matter what. Use it, the more you explain it, the darker it gets.

That was the last time I went home, and it had been several years.

I couldn’t stay at home anymore, and people in the village looked at me strangely in the next few days. I thought I should just go back to Shenzhen, but my dad said that if the times are bad, I have to call me "the eighth day of the first lunar month" to go out.

Slowly, more and more people started to tell me, and my parents believed it, and we basically spent the next few days quarreling with them. Noisy and noisy, noisy and noisy, after all, the family still stayed in harmony when they left.

I felt very aggrieved when I came out this time. I was wrongly accused for no reason and my reputation was ruined. It is basically impossible to marry back in the future. Either find someone from another place or another province. I can only find one in the city. I really want to meet a man who treats me well.

After the Spring Festival, I went on a date with a man who bought a watch, and soon they slept together. Although it was for some secular purpose, I was still trapped and couldn't extricate myself.

I had this idea before, but I just thought about it. After all, how could I possibly get involved in this kind of profession that everyone calls "making money while lying down".

Later I found out that I had become a mistress and was being "kept" by him. Even though I cried my heart out, I still resolutely chose to leave. I couldn't bear and couldn't do anything to destroy other people's families.

Society is really a place with large-scale ripening agents. If you throw it in for a year or two, you will understand everything. Girls are born to learn how to put on makeup. By the way, someone would point it out. I looked around and found that I was no different from the beauties in the city. When I was studying, I thought I was ugly, with low self-esteem and arrogance. When I came out to work, I slowly regained my self-esteem. I gained self-confidence, and when I really entered the society, I discovered that beauty is really a good card. I have never played it, but after this incident, I am ready to play it.

Later, I went to clubs, bars, dance halls, and sometimes hair salons, wherever there was more money, just doing what you call a young lady's job.

There are two types of sisters around me. One type really regards this as love, and the other type is just after his money. There is also a third category, which is me, who can’t tell whether it’s for money or love. Do you think anyone has found love? Yes, there really is, although it is relatively small. Have you found the money? I found it, and it was quite a lot. In fact, except for my own expenses, most of the money was sent back.

Every family has its own problems. Many sisters’ families are just like mine, or even worse than mine. They all try their best to make money, and sometimes the family even waits to use the money to treat illnesses and save lives. Who doesn't know that this matter itself is at the expense of the moral bottom line and is frantically testing the edges of the law.

But once you get in, it’s too difficult to figure it out. Who would want to go through the hardships of going back to work on the assembly line? No one is forcing you. You can leave at any time, but you are used to high consumption. Everyone Clothes, shoes, bags, and cosmetics all cost money every month. Many people cannot go back to their hometowns to get married and have children. There is no airtight wall in the world, and the family members in their hometowns know something about it, and they can't hang on to their face and dignity.

It feels like they have been sold out all at once. Everyone among the sisters is in danger. Yes, I can only live with regret and pain for the rest of my life. There are also various gynecological diseases and gynecological inflammation, which basically everyone has.

Many men are just pursuing fast-paced male-female love and some illicit encounters. As time went by, everyone understood the rules of the game and the unspoken rules, so I started to feel a bit dirty and immoral. No matter how beautiful these things are packaged, they can't hide their dirtiness.

No matter how free and noble men say they are, they still cannot get rid of the essential difference between us being ladies and them being guests.

In fact, I only know these truths now. Who cares about reading these books? There are sisters around me who have been working until middle age. Some of them don’t want to come out because they are trapped by their personal families and other reasons. Can't get out. Some work for a while and then change careers. When they earn enough money, they take the money with them and move away.

We are all living on the food of youth. The older we get, the less valuable we are. Everyone is panicked and unsure about the future and the rest of their lives. Most people take it one step at a time, but everyone knows that it is impossible. I'll do it for the rest of my life. It's just the reason, everyone has their own plans.

I’m not afraid of making fun of you. Later, a large number of these entertainment venues were closed. Some of the sisters were living on the streets, some were depressed and wanted to commit suicide, and some were half-starved to death. The good thing is that many people returned to normal. In life, many people who have prepared for the next step early have made up their minds, but like us, we are just waiting and watching.

Youth will eventually come to an end. I have been thinking about what I want to do in the future. It is impossible to rely on my face and youth to make a living.

I haven’t read the book. I definitely can’t do the jobs that those educated people do. I don’t even want to find a rich man now. It’s unrealistic. I don’t want to go back to work. The salary is too low. , it’s not enough to buy clothes and cosmetics every month. I can go back to my hometown to see my parents, but I have given up on getting married and having children. I will never.

Now I just want to change the city and the environment. I can find a regular job first and take it one step at a time!

——No, I have been recording it for you with a voice recorder. Once I convert it into text and correct typos and incorrect sentences, I can print it out.

——I guess not. Your words are too long-winded, your logic is too confusing, and you’ve been trying to beat around the bush to excuse yourself? Didn't you notice? In fact, your story is very simple: you were born into a poor family in the countryside, you had a hard and happy childhood, you didn't study well, and you didn't want to get married early, so the only way out was to work. After working part-time, all kinds of temptations combined, and finally turned bad, relying on face and youth to make a living. She has become what they call a "young lady", "escort girl", "professional mistress" and "prostitute". It is impossible to stay that way for the rest of her life, so now she is confused and helpless about the future.

——Don’t worry, no one will judge you. This is normal. Everyone is used to it. Maybe not many people are willing to read this experience of yours. Everyone’s time is too precious. There are very few people who can calm down and finish reading this story, so just relax.

——I will not change the order of your words, nor will I process it, so it will not be your story. In fact, if this story is told backwards, the effect may be better, or if the middle is told first and the two ends are told later, the readers may be more interested. You can only talk about it in chronological order in an assembly line, and many people will not be interested. These three points you mentioned are the core of your story. Girls must study hard, keep their eyes open to find a good man, and know that their abilities match their desires. Another point is that you cannot exchange your youthful body and face for money. These are external bonus items, but they cannot be used for direct transactions.

——Sister, this has nothing to do with whether you work or not. I can only say that if you really don’t come out, you will definitely not be engaged in this industry. After you started working, you were confused and unknowingly did the things you thought you shouldn't do step by step. The problem was that you couldn't resist the temptation of money and material things. Because you didn't read enough, you wanted to get something for nothing, or you wanted to recognize yourself. There are some deviations in knowledge and understanding. Of course, it may have something to do with the huge development gap in the impetuous era of society.

——In fact, you already have the answer in your heart, you are already paving the way for yourself, and you are slowly walking towards a better road, right? Love yourself more for the rest of your life and I believe you can get out of this difficult situation. come on!

——Keep living strong. I will sort out the story later and send it to you as a birthday gift to you.

Postscript: I have not adapted or processed the plot content of the story. Except for the overly salivating words and typos, they have been converted intact. So as you can see, what she said earlier was a bit messy, lengthy, and full of inconsistencies and loopholes, but this is what she said exactly.

For this profession, I will not judge whether the story itself is right or wrong.

There is no guidance or reflection on the original family, the dark side of society, negative energy, etc. If you accidentally make associations, it has nothing to do with the story itself.

Text: Luzi 1988