Will you regret getting married because of trivial things after marriage? How to adjust this situation?

Let me tell you, in marriage, trivial things are not trivial matters.

I often say that marriage is no small matter. In one sentence, "a embankment of a thousand miles will collapse in an ant nest."

If all the trivial conflicts in life are not resolved for a long time, they will eventually turn into mental wear and tear, emotional fatigue, and ultimately there is no way to deal with it.

Recently, a couple came to me. They had gone to the Civil Affairs Bureau to apply for divorce. During the divorce cooling-off period, they came to me just for a judgement, because everyone around them thought they were divorced. The reason is too bizarre:

Because her husband did not put a garbage bag on the trash can, the wife had a big fight with him and chose to divorce.

In fact, things that seem bizarre are often not surprising. If you read the national court survey on the causes of divorce, you will understand:

70% of couples divorce The reason is that trivial matters in life, such as serious things like cheating, are not the main reasons for divorce.

How did it happen?

My wife came home from a business trip and found a strange smell in the house. When she went to the kitchen, she was furious. It turns out that my husband didn’t put a garbage bag on the garbage can, let alone tie the garbage bag tightly and take out the garbage in time.

The wife complained: How many times have I said this? Are my words just farts?

The husband was happily playing games and said: Okay, I will pour it down later.

Wife: Even if you fall down now, you won’t fall down tomorrow!

The husband saw his wife standing next to him and was not in the mood to play anymore, so he stood up muttering: "Making a fuss out of a molehill."

The wife sneered: Are you making a fuss out of a molehill?

One collar of your clothes is always inside and the other is outside. I have not been at home these days, and I know what you have eaten. There are grease spots all over your pajamas.

The husband was a little annoyed: Are you finished?

The wife cried: You are like a child, you will always need me to take care of you. You said that I am still healthy now, but what if I get old and need you to take care of me?

Do you know what food I like to eat? Do you know what kind of food to buy is the best? Will you take care of you as carefully as I do?

The husband said: When you first found me, you should have known that I was not the kind of person you said.

The wife said: OK, then I regret it now.

Husband: Regret is not easy, divorce.

Wife: I know you never have me in your heart. Are you expecting me to say this?

Husband: Whatever.

Wife: You always only have yourself in your heart!

How do you feel after listening to this conversation?

Isn’t it classic?

The wife is responsible for complaining, and the husband is responsible for passing the blame.

Women should be resentful women, and men should be betrayed.

Once you enter a plot like this, a relationship begins to go downhill.

The famous marriage psychologist John Gottman has studied marriage for 40 years and found that all divorced couples have one thing in common, which is "dislike";

This is If the cancer cells in your marriage are not dealt with in time, they will continue to multiply and spread until they engulf your relationship.

So how do couples with truly high emotional intelligence talk?

First, never follow the main line:

The reason why a conversation becomes more and more extreme and bloody.

The most fundamental problem lies in these four words.

The woman is very broken, that is, she wants a clean life, but her husband always destroys it.

So she came to the conclusion: Because you don’t care about me, that’s why you always “turn a deaf ear to my words.”

The man is very frustrated because he feels that his wife is making a fuss here endlessly, extending infinitely, and constantly attacking, just because she feels that she is poor and an unqualified man.

What women care about most is whether a man loves them or not.

What men care about most is whether women appreciate themselves.

Once these two core interests are destroyed, everyone can only "break up".

But in fact, it is not that a man does not care about his wife, but because he has not lived in such a sophisticated environment since he was a child, and he needs to evolve slowly;

Secondly, if he does this, he will not Such a big motivation because he prefers a casual life and doesn't want to take care of so much. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love his wife.

It’s not that a woman doesn’t appreciate a man. She appreciates a man’s sense of humor, his talents and abilities, and his tolerance for himself. This is what she likes.

So, once our trivial matters rise to the question of "do you love me or don't you think highly of me?", it will turn what is not a problem into a problem.

Second, we must grasp the emotional key points

What are "emotional key points"?

That is, you have to grasp the other person's "core needs" and satisfy the other person. In this way, you will capture his heart and the other person will be willing to do everything for you.

It is popular recently to draw a pie for a man. Let me show you a saying:

Every time we quarrel, I will blame myself. Baby, you know, I don’t miss you. Spend the night with emotions, such emotions will push you further and further away;

I don’t want this. I don’t want you to leave me. I hope you can love me more. I don’t want to be separated just because of a little problem. Let there be a gap in our feelings.

Why does this sentence work for men?

It’s because there is a sentence written between the lines in this paragraph: Husband, you are very important to me.

Once a man hears this sentence, he will immediately be satisfied with great emotional value. From this, he will need you, and you can take advantage of his need for your affirmation;

Tell him that if he can take care of hygiene issues, you will love him more, and you can even fulfill some of his small wishes, such as buying a drone. These are very smart ways to let the other person know. The "bait" who is willing to put in the effort to change for you.

Although we often say that "every couple has their own unique way of getting along", if you feel that you will not be able to become smarter for a while and you will never be able to solve the problems in your marriage, maybe you need to Professional help.

Still the same sentence:

Foolish people always "wait and wait" for the other person to love them, while smart people never have to create conditions for the other person to love themselves from the heart.