Network engineer joke

A plane crashed on an island. Only one American, one China and one Japanese survived, but they met cannibals on the island. The patriarch told them that as long as the total length of DD of the three of you exceeds 20 cm, we won't eat you. The Americans first measured it, which was 12 cm long, and then it was from China, which was 7 cm long. The United States and China are loose. It's time to measure the Japanese. His length is exactly 2 cm, and the length of the three people adds up to more than 20 cm. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief ... after the cannibal left, the American said, "I am more than half of my length. Without me, you would have been finished." China people are unconvinced and say, Ya, my length is equal to the average. Without me, you would have finished. After a while, the Japanese broke out. If I didn't get an erection just now, you're all finished! !

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Japanese, American, China. I was so thirsty when I went to the Indian tribe that I stole the sacrificial fruit. The chief found it, tied it up and said: You have redeemed God (forgot how to pronounce it), but God has the virtue of living well and gives you a chance. 10 samples of the same fruit were found. Then three people went to look for it. Americans came back first and found 10 bananas. The chief said, you should peel the banana. Stuff it in the anus. Don't cry or laugh, or I'll kill you. Americans are very helpless and can only do it. Very painful. Cry, boss. He killed him. Then China people came back. Found 10 grapes, Chief: You put the grapes in your anus, don't cry or laugh, or I'll kill you. When the Chinese saw that the Americans were killed, they were scared, so they did it. Then he stuffed nine grapes into it and smiled. The chief killed him, too. Later, when China ascended to heaven, God asked him, "Ten grapes are easy to plug. What are you laughing at? " . China people said: Because I saw the Japanese come back with 10 watermelons.

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An American, a Japanese and an China were exploring in the jungle. They were all caught by the cannibal tribe, but the tribal chief said, "I am in a good mood today and don't want to eat you, but you must all get a hundred boards, but before you get the boards, you can realize a wish." Americans were the first to board the springboard. He said, "Before taking the board, put 10 cushion on my ass." The mat board rained down on the front 70 boards. After 70 boards, the mat was smashed, and then the boards were bloody ... After the fight, the United States always left by touching its ass. After seeing it, the Japanese also asked for 10 mattress, 1, 2, 3...65,438+000. After the fight, the Japanese got up and patted their ass, and then bragged about their imitation ability and re-creation ability with their mouths open, wanting to sit and watch.

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One day, there was a meeting at the United Nations, and representatives of all countries wanted to speak ... The chairman of the meeting was an Englishman, and when everyone was fighting for the right to speak, the Japanese raised their hands ... The chairman said, you can speak! Japan said a lot ... but the chairman said, can you speak English? The Japanese said: I'm just speaking English! ! The Japanese continued to talk ... then the chairman said, can you stand up and talk? The Japanese said: I stood up. ..........

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A Japanese is eating in a restaurant in China. When the waiter brought a panlong shrimp, the Japanese asked, what should I do with the remaining shrimp shells? ""Of course, "said the waiter." Don't! Don't! Don't! "The Japanese shook his head and said," In Japan, leftover shrimp shells are sent to factories, made into shrimp cakes, and then sold to you in China. "After a while, the waiter brought another plate of fruit. The Japanese pointed to one of the lemons and asked," What should I do with the remaining lemon peels? ""Of course, "said the waiter." Don't! Don't! Don't! The Japanese shook his head and said, "In Japan, the leftover lemon peel is sent to the factory and then sold to you in China. "When checking out, the Japanese asked the waiter with a smile while chewing gum," What should I do with the remaining gum? ""Of course I threw up, "said the waiter." Don't! Don't! Don't! "The Japanese shook his head and said proudly," In Japan, chewed gum is sent to the factory, made into condoms, and then sold to you in China. The waiter asked impatiently, "Do you know what to do with used condoms in China?" "Throw it away, of course. "Japanese humanity. The waiter shook his head and said, "No! Don't! Don't! In China, used condoms are sent to factories, made into chewing gum and then sold to you. "

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There are an American, a German, a Japanese and a China on a plane. Halfway through, the plane suddenly ran out of gas. The captain announced that someone had to jump off the plane to reduce the weight, so the American showed personal heroism and went to the door of the plane and shouted: Long live America and other countries! ! Then I jumped! The plane continued to fly ... at this moment, the captain announced that the weight was still too heavy, and one person had to jump! So the Germans stood up, walked to the door of the plane and shouted: Long live the German Empire! Jumped down, too The plane continued to fly ... At this moment, the captain announced: No, it's still heavy, and one more person must jump! China glanced at the Japanese, stood up and walked to the hatch of the plane. The Japanese rushed to hold China's hand: Good brother, I won't forget you! China people shouted: Long live People's Republic of China (PRC)! ! Then I kicked the Japanese down with one foot! ! ......

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A bowl of shit

One day, a little devil who claimed to know a few Chinese characters was wandering in the street, hungry and began to look for a restaurant. It arrived at the door of a small noodle restaurant and saw several big characters written on the water sign at the door: beef noodles, large rows of noodles, simple meals. He wanted to taste it, so he went in. The busy waiter ran over and asked, "What noodles would you like to eat, sir?" "I will eat ..." As he spoke, the little devil wanted to show off his recognition of Chinese characters, so he turned his head to look at the words written vertically on the water label and read horizontally: "I eat a bowl of' cow',' big' and' poop' ..." The voice of wanting to eat "shit" was quite loud, word for word. So all the diners in the restaurant looked at the little devil in surprise and whispered, "This beast is really fierce!" " "

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Who are you trying to fool?

A Japanese came to Beijing to study Chinese. He worked very hard.

Ten years later, he can speak not only Mandarin, but also Cantonese and Hakka without any Japanese accent.

"No one should treat me like the devil anymore …" he thought.

One day he traveled to a small fishing port in Tianjin and saw an old man catching shrimps.

So on a whim, he confidently greeted the old man in Mandarin: "Old man! Do you know where I come from? 」

The old man replied, "I can't hear your accent clearly ..."

The devil was very happy and thought, "I didn't expect my Chinese to improve so much." Can be said to be perfect ... "

At this time, the old man glared at him and said, "If you can count the shrimps I caught clearly, I will know where you are from."

The devil began to count with a fairly standard pronunciation: "One, two, three, ... fifty ... one hundred ... two hundred ..."

After counting for more than an hour, he proudly replied, "Nine thousand seven hundred and eighty-seven shrimps! Old man, I think you'll never guess where I come from! ! 」

The old man smiled and said, "I know! You must be Japanese! Ha ha ha ... "

The devil was very surprised, but he still asked the old man in standard Mandarin: "You ... you ... why do you know?"

The old man replied, "Ah, this is simple. China people ask about the weight of fish and shrimp, not as stupid as you! "

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Americans, British, China and Japanese discuss their own military affairs together.

The Japanese said, "We advocate Bushido and are not afraid of sacrifice. I dare you to test your marksmanship with an apple on your head. "

It was he who put an apple on his head.

The American turned and walked back 20 steps, then walked back with a gun, and the apple was smashed. He proudly said:

"I'm Hunter."

The Japanese put another apple on his head.

The Englishman turned and walked back 50 steps, then walked back with a gun, and the apple was smashed. He proudly said:

"I am Boone (Bond)."

The Japanese put a small apple on their heads.

China people turned and took three steps back, then turned and shot, and their heads were blown off. He proudly said:

"I'm sorry."

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I dyed the wool and cut my hair short when I came home.

In the bar, there is a Japanese who is drinking beer alone. He suddenly felt that he was going to the bathroom. He was afraid that someone would steal his beer after he left, so he wrote a note on the table: "I spit in the cup." When he came back, he found another sentence added to the paper: "I threw up, too."

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A taxi is driving on the way to Chicago airport, and a Japanese tourist is sitting on it. At this moment, a taxi passed by and the Japanese shouted, "Look, Toyota! Made in Japan! How fast! " After a while, another taxi passed by. "Look, Nissan! It's made in Japan! It's too early! " Another taxi passed by. "ah! It's Mitsubishi made in Japan! Very fast! " Taxi drivers are 100% American. Seeing that so many Japanese cars have surpassed their American cars, coupled with the arrogant language of the Japanese, he was a little annoyed. When another taxi overtook it, the taxi pulled into the airport parking lot. "It's Honda! Made in Japan! Very fast! There is no medicine to save! " The taxi driver stopped and pointed angrily at the meter and said, "1500 dollars." "So close to 1500 dollars? ! ""forget it! Made in Japan! Very fast! There is no medicine to save! "

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A China man called a Japanese businessman and said, "I'm looking for Mr. Taro." The operator said, "I'm sorry, he died last week." The next day, the man called again and wanted to speak to Kazutaro. This time the operator was a little annoyed and said, "I always told you that he died last week." Why are you calling? " The man said, "Because I just like listening."

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Four surgeons sit together and talk about who they like to operate on.

The first doctor said, "I like operating on librarians best." When you open their bodies, everything inside is arranged alphabetically. The second doctor said, "I like operating on accountants best." When you open their bodies, everything is arranged in numerical order. The third doctor said, "I like operating on electricians best." When you open their bodies, everything is color coded. The fourth doctor said, "I like operating on Japanese best." The other three doctors looked at each other and said

Wondering what one of them asked. The fourth doctor said, because they have no heart and no spine, and their butts and heads can be exchanged.

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A German, a Frenchman and a Japanese are going to work in the mine.

The boss is American. He said to the Germans: You have a good physique and you are in charge of coolies.

Say to the French: You said you were an engineer and you were in charge of the mining plan.

He said to the Japanese: You are very thin. You are in charge of supply.

Then every other week, they start to work.

A few days later, the Germans and the French found that the Japanese had disappeared. After searching for a long time, they decided to go back to work first.

When the Germans started to work, the Japanese suddenly jumped out and shouted:

"surprise! 」

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A Japanese, an China and an American went to Egypt to explore.

When they arrived, they were caught in a sandstorm, which flooded all the food and water.

When they were thirsty and hungry, God suddenly appeared.

God saw their pity and gave each of them a wish.

First, Americans make a wish.

American: I hope I can go home soon.

With that, the American disappeared and returned to his home.

It's the Japanese's turn

The Japanese said: I hope to go back to my hometown, there are many beautiful women and a lot of money.

As soon as I finished, the Japanese all left.

It's China's turn

China thought for a moment and said, I hope the two of them will come back to accompany me. !

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The female teacher asked in class, "Give me freedom or let me die." Who said this sentence? Please raise your hand if you know. After a while, someone answered in unskilled English: "1775, Butrick Henry said."

"Yes, classmate. The answer just now was Japanese students. You grew up in the United States and can't answer, but students from distant Japan can answer, how pitiful! "

"Kill the Japanese!" There is a strange cry in the classroom.

The female teacher blushed with anger. "Who? Who said that? ! "After a short silence, someone in the corner of the classroom replied," 1945, said by President Truman. "

Longer version

In class, the female teacher asked, "Give me freedom or let me die." Who first said this famous saying? Please raise your hand if you know. "

After a long time, a new student from Japan, Yamamoto, replied in broken English:

"1775, Butrick Henry said."

"Very well, then, who said' by the people, by the people and for the people'?"

"1863, abraham lincoln said."

That's right, classmate It was a Japanese student who answered the question just now, but the students who grew up in America couldn't answer it. What a pity! "

"Kill the Japanese!" There is a strange cry in the classroom.

"who! Who said that! " The female teacher flushed with anger.

Yamamoto immediately replied: "1945, President Truman said."

Then someone whispered, "This is disgusting." The female teacher was even more angry.

"Well, who said that! ? "

"199 1, George Bush said when he met with the Japanese Prime Minister." Yamamoto replied.

Another student patted the table and smiled: "Yes! You are really energetic. "

"1997, Bill Clinton told Lansky."

The whole class was in chaos, and some students shouted at Yamamoto: You are soaking shit, and if you dare to speak again, I will kill you. "

"200 1, Gary condit told Revy. (Note: White House intern Revy was murdered in Washington on 200 1. His ex-boyfriend, Democrat condit, was arrested as a suspect)

The female teacher fainted with anger and the students formed a circle around her.

A student said, "Shit, we are in big trouble this time."

"In 2002, arthur anderson said." Yamamoto immediately replied. (Note: Arthur Anderson, one of the top five accounting firms in the United States, went bankrupt in 2002 due to the Enron scandal.)

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A few days ago, two Japanese were kidnapped by Iraqi militants in Iraq.

At that time, when Iraqi militants suddenly appeared, the two Japanese were sitting in the car. The Japanese were trembling with fear at gunpoint, and they kept arguing in Chinese that they were from China.

The Iraqi was dubious. The first boss asked, "What does PLMM mean in Chinese?"

The Japanese hesitated, and the Iraqi snapped, "Search!" As a result, two Japanese passports were found from them.

"Hey hey!" The Iraqi smiled: "yours is very dishonest."

The Japanese were taken away, and the Iraqi driver who didn't receive the fare was dejected and despondent; "It's bad luck to be near the Japanese!" He said, "I told them to learn the online language of China. PLMM means pretty girl. I don't know. Of course, people don't believe that they are from China. "

The next day, Iraqi militants met two other Japanese who had studied some online languages in China. The Japanese confidently said that they were from China.

The Iraqis were dubious. The captain asked the Japanese team, "What does NMD mean?"

The Japanese team was shocked: "NMD? Missile defense system? "

Iraqis harsh voice way; "Search!" As a result, two Japanese passports were found from them.

Iraqis are very angry; "The Japanese are just dishonest." So they took the two Japanese away.

The news came out that the Japanese in Iraq were very scared. Prime Minister Koizumi was in a hurry and spent hundreds of millions to redeem the four Japanese and asked them what was going on. Summing up the experience and lessons, I think if you want to pretend to be a China person, you can't pass without studying Chinese seriously. So I went to ask a China person, "What does NMD mean?"

China people smiled. Even the rookie in China knows that NND is "grandma's" and NMD is "mom's", so we told the truth.

A day later, two more Japanese met Iraqi militants on the road. This time, the Japanese patted their chests with confidence and said they were from China.

The Iraqis were dubious and asked the Japanese, "What is NMD?"

The Japanese answered according to China's instructions.

Who knows that Iraqis still snapped: "Search!" The Japanese people were greatly wronged, but they quickly found two Japanese passports from them.

The Iraqi was very angry: "Your grandmother's Japanese are all liars." Beat the Japanese and take them away.

The reporter also felt a little strange and asked the person who taught them Chinese. Originally, considering that Japanese people like to use inverted sentences when speaking Chinese, this honest man kindly told the Japanese that NMD is "damn you".

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During the Japanese invasion of China, 1 Japanese soldiers found that 1 eggs under them turned green. The next day, he went to ask a famous local Chinese doctor. The doctor said, "According to my years of medical experience, you'd better cut that egg. Then the Japanese soldiers thought it was nothing to lose 1 egg anyway, so I used a gun alone and cut it down. After a while, he found another one. The doctor said: according to my years of medical experience, you still have to cut this egg. Then the Japanese soldiers thought it didn't matter if they cut one anyway and cut another 1. After a while, the Japanese soldier found that his stick was green, so he went to ask the doctor again. The doctor said, "according to my years of medical experience, I guess your underwear has faded." "

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The Japanese first proudly said, "Our stand-alone game is world-famous.

Koreans, "what is this? Our online games are also world-famous.

At this moment, the China people standing next to 1 sneered, "What is this? What games can your two countries play, our country can make plug-ins to deal with it.

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One day, a Japanese working in China went to the countryside to shoot wild ducks.

When he finally shot a wild duck, the wild duck fell into a farmer's yard.

The Japanese climbed over the fence to catch their prey.

But the farmer who witnessed everything shook his shotgun and said loudly, "Look here, hunting is forbidden in China."

The devil replied, "I shot the duck, so it should be mine." I do! "

The farmer said, "It flew in China. Did you kill him or landed in China? You go to the village with me to pay the fine! "

They have been arguing about ducks.

After a while, the devil said, "We should decide in the traditional way. Decide with the spirit of Japanese Bushido! "

The farmer looked down on Bushido, so he asked contemptuously, "What is the method of Bushido?"

The devil explained, "first, I kick your ass." Then you kick my ass again, so kick each other until one of you gives up. The winner can get the duck. "

The farmer thought about it and agreed to take part in the competition. But the farmer asked himself to kick first to show fairness. Thinking about revenge for the villagers who were killed more than 60 years ago, he knew that he could not kill the devils.

Then, the farmer in China put his leg back and slapped the devil's ass with all his strength. The poor devil fell to the ground, moaning and wailing, and rolled on the ground.

Ten minutes later, he tried to get up, gritted his teeth and said huskily, "Now it's my turn."

Farmer China said, "Oh, no, this duck is yours. You can go back. "

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A devil hurried into the butcher's shop, swaggered up to the clerk in the China shop and shouted, "Hello! Cut me a hundred dollars of beef! Feed the dog! "

Then, he turned to a girl who lined up in order, blinked and said, "Hello, Zhina!"! Mind if I buy it first? "

The girl replied coldly, "Of course not, you are so hungry." Let you buy it so as not to spread rabies. "

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In ancient Japan, it was always an honor to be familiar with the culture and history of China. But after the Sino-Japanese War of 1894-1895, the devils who defeated China began to have the courage to despise China people.

One day, in a university in Tokyo, Japanese workers were having lunch when they saw a passing China student.

The devil deliberately asked loudly, "Do you know there is a man named Bi Sheng in China?"

The devil deliberately replied loudly, "I don't know." China will soon be gone. It is Japanese Bi Sheng! "

China students gave them an angry look and asked, "Do you know Wu Dalang?"

The devil replied, "I don't know."

China students said, "You bastards! Listen up! You only have such ancestors! "

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The devil designed a universal computer and went to China to show off and hold an exhibition. A programmer from China went to visit.

The devil proudly said to him, "You can ask any question, and this computer will give you the correct answer!" " "

So the programmer wrote this question: "What is my brother-in-law doing in other places?"

The devil entered this sentence, and the answer came out in a moment: "Your brother-in-law is fishing by the sea!" " "

"Nonsense!" The programmer said, "My brother-in-law has been dead for ten years!" "

Kouga, a devil with an iron mouth, insisted: "Our Japanese computers can't go wrong! You asked the wrong question! "

So the programmer asked again, "Where is my sister's husband?"

The computer replied, "He has been dead for ten years, but your brother-in-law is fishing by the sea."

The programmer cursed: "You Japanese bastards! My sister has been dead for ten years! How to arrange for her to remarry! ? "

Then turn around and walk away, telling the situation loudly to the tourists around.

At this time, the devil quickly knocked on the keyboard again, and then chased the programmer's back and said, "Sir, please stay. The computer said-they are all dead, and now they are fishing in the underworld. "

When the programmer hit back, he slapped the devil in the face and said angrily, "I knew the Japanese were cheating here again." I don't have a sister! "

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It is said that after China conquered Tokyo, people on the right in China clamored for revenge, and people like "Little Dog Stupid" were hunted down every day. "A Lang" and others think that it is better to jump off a building than to be killed by China people.

That day, I threw my heart out and jumped off the building collectively. Although they all fell down with bleeding eyes askew, they all attempted suicide. As a result, they were arrested, prosecuted and sentenced by indigenous police organized by slave autonomous regions.

The charge is: "littering at will."

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It is said that the Japanese have the habit of eating human flesh raw. Evidence that Japanese slaves eat human flesh raw can be seen everywhere on the website.

One day, I traveled with my bastard and told him about eating human flesh raw, saying that he had never eaten Europeans.

At dinner, the stewardess asked, "What would you like for lunch, sir? Steak? "

The slave shook his head.

The stewardess asked again, "How about chicken chops?"

The slave still shook his head.

The stewardess said, "What are you eating, sir?"

The slave said, "Show me the passenger list."

Soon, all his family were hacked to death with disorderly knives.

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It is said that Japanese slave students are very arrogant in China. China students certainly don't like it. But beating Japanese slaves is what China schools fear most, just like beating the headmaster's father. So there are many people who want to fight, but few people attack openly.

So, a China student said to Japanese students, "I had a dream yesterday, which was very wonderful."

The devil quickly asked, "What kind of dream? Tell me about it. "

China student: "You are the hero in your dream!"

The devil was overjoyed: "Really? Am I a handsome prince charming? "

China student: "No! I dreamed that you were panting after a pig with a kitchen knife in your hand. "

The devil wondered, "I'm chasing a pig?"

China student: "Yes! You ran so sweaty that the pig ran into a dead alley. "

The devil wants to know, "and then what?"

China student: "You approached it cheerfully, and the pig suddenly knelt down and begged for mercy, saying,' We were born from the same root. What's the hurry? " "

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There was a Japanese slave who started a company in China and became a boss. When he became rich, he ostentatiously told China employees in broken Chinese that he wanted to rent the most expensive house in the city.

China employees believe that he must be punished. So he spent a lot of money to rent a cheap house next to the crematorium. The slave was afraid of forgetting the address and asked the staff to write it down.

The employee wrote on the note: "Next to the crematorium, a villa area."

One day, Japanese slaves got lost in a dark place. He took out the note and stammered to ask passers-by.

Passers-by recognized him as a Japanese slave and read the note again.

So passers-by said, "stand in the middle of the road for a while, and naturally someone will take you."

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One day, an China man and a Japanese slave came to heaven.

After the angel asked about his nationality, he let an China live in an ordinary room. But let Japanese slaves live in suites, luxurious. A few days later, all China people in heaven protested together.

The angel patiently explained: For thousands of years, heaven has been crowded with people from China. Only today, a Japanese slave came and he can go to heaven. I don't treat this thing well. Who should I treat? "

China people have nothing to say.

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The Japanese are bellicose. In ancient times, almost all young men were recruited to fight as soldiers, and there was no time to get married and have children, so the number became less and less. At that time, a national policy was formulated that all men could have sex with any woman at any time and place to maintain the birth rate. Therefore, during the truce, Japanese women became accustomed to the "whenever and wherever" way, simply carrying pillows and wearing sheets to go out, and later became.

Many women went to war "whenever and wherever" after being told their surnames, so according to the position of officers, Inoue, Tanaka, Watanabe, Gao Qiao, Yamaguchi, Muxia, Oshima, Takakura and Oni Tsuka appeared.

Many men are accustomed to the "yellow life" after treating women "whenever and wherever", and they are more and more indulgent and promiscuous, so they will be * * whenever and wherever, so there are comfort women in the Japanese army, so Japanese soldiers call themselves "Huang Jun".

After the defeat, the international laws of war did not allow inferior nations like Japan to have aggressive armed forces, let alone comfort women. Therefore, when Japanese soldiers want to masturbate with women "anytime and anywhere", they will masturbate to AV movies, so the Japanese armed forces are called "masturbation team" internationally, and the Japanese are glad that someone can call him that, because it will promote masturbation activities to be reasonable and legal, so that they can masturbate in broad daylight.

Later, in the second half of the last century, the Japanese preferred to be called "Japan" because the name sounded like destiny takes a hand-"Japanese" was written nouns such as "fuck yourself" and "masturbation". As a result, the Japanese began their own "Japanese history" aboveboard.

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Reporter: Did the former Japanese army have prostitutes?

Koizumi: No, only comfort women. We japanize them, so they are called the Japanese army.

Reporter: Are there any comfort women in the Japanese army now?

Koizumi: No, they all masturbate now, so they are called masturbation teams.

Reporter: Then why are you called Japanese?

Koizumi: Because we all masturbate, we are Japanese, so we are called Japanese.