Why doesn't the child want to talk to you? Because they don't treat you as a "fellow traveler"

Author \ Zhiheng Chen Consulting Psychologist.

I remember once, I went to a high school to share the theme of learning strategies. In the first five minutes, most students lie down to sleep, or whisper, or even lower their heads to play with their mobile phones. Several students sitting in the front are willing to respond to me, but they all say terrible things and have no intention of studying hard.

It turns out that the school picked a few students from the bottom of each class and got together.

"They shouldn't be here, and I shouldn't be here." I was a little complaining about the arrangement of the organizer and once wanted to leave. However, the school teacher said earnestly, "Miss Chen, I'm really sorry. Can you try again? 」

I said, all right! In this class, I put aside the pre-designed sharing content, changed the strategy of class transportation, and insisted on it for two hours at the top of my lungs.

The only dedicated student ...

This is a frustrating classroom experience. But among more than 50 students who were depressed at the scene, I found that several students were willing to look at me intently at first and follow my teaching rhythm.

However, this situation only lasted for more than ten minutes, and only a few dedicated people began to slide their phones, get down to catch up on their sleep, or turn around and join the classmates' chat. I can't help but doubt myself: "Is my sharing boring? Or is there a problem with the way the class is transported? 」

Don't! I don't think so. Only after they looked around did they begin to change their listening attitude. They are influenced by the group atmosphere, which is called "conformity" in psychology.

When these children who only have concentration and a little desire to learn see that their neighbors are full of negative attitudes, they will suddenly feel different, and then they will wonder if they need to be so focused and unconsciously behave like most people.

Everyone's decision is the best decision?

This is a natural psychological tendency of human beings. When we are in a group, most people hold similar attitudes. Although you don't agree with them at first, over time, you will gradually accept and even show the same behavior. And when your behavior changes, you will start to find reasons to rationalize your behavior. So, you're completely affected.

When everyone does this, you will follow suit. That's because our daily life decisions often need to refer to the practices of people around us. The evolved brain will tell us that everyone's decision is absolutely the best decision, and nine times out of ten you can't go wrong following everyone. Go your own way, even if you are not regarded as an alien by others, you will feel uncomfortable.

Therefore, those children who stand erect and cheer up to meet new knowledge will unconsciously change their attitudes and become fellow travelers like a large group to ensure that they are part of the group; At the same time, it can also meet the psychological needs of belonging.

Recommended reading: Don't you tell your parents about your adolescent troubles? Lv Yuanqiu answers students' concerns in different ways.

Group influence: common identity

In a group, either I influence you or you influence me. "Let the watermelon be close to the big side" is a natural psychological tendency. On the other hand, the influence of "identity" also plays a key role in this. This group of people get together and know each other that "we are fellow travelers" are a group of students who don't like reading and give up learning. The common identity of this group will make this group seem to meet the definition of identity.

Therefore, although some students also want to learn something, under the pressure of emotional closeness, they will give up the idea of active concentration and really "integrate" into their own groups. It also proves the identity of "I am a failed student".

It is really not easy for children to have the spirit of "everyone is drunk and I wake up alone", and it is not in line with the development characteristics of children in this period. To some extent, this also explains that teenagers and children often do some exaggerated and absurd behaviors together. If they are punished at the same time, they may get together again and do even more incredible stupid things next time.

Because the punishment given by adults to children is to give children a special identity, but it has prompted this group of people to deepen their affiliation with each other. Later, it became more and more necessary to show their feelings with common actions in line with that identity: "We are really fellow travelers! If someone wants to turn over a new leaf, they will be forced to give up the idea of changing their behavior because they don't want to lose their emotional connection.

This experience reminds me that if I can bring some influence to my children, or if my children are willing to listen to me, it may be because they think "we are fellow travelers." Relatively speaking, why do we work so hard in teaching and advising students? After all, children are ungrateful and even continue to degenerate. That's because "we are not fellow travelers", and even we are in the opposite position.

So the more you ask me to do this, the less I will let you succeed. 」

Creating emotional intimacy with empathy response skills

So, how to make children feel "we are fellow travelers" when interacting with them?

The first is to create emotional closeness. As long as there is enough emotional connection between people, they can meet a person's most basic sense of belonging. In this relationship, he knows that he will be accepted and valued, not rejected and disgusted.

What adults need to do is to show empathy, understand the child's inner world, and use empathy response skills to tell the child's emotional state at the moment, so that he feels completely understood. Empathy can be used properly and skillfully, and emotional connection can be established quickly.

For example, when I often talk to children who have no desire to ask for help, I will tell them, "I know you don't want to talk about it." You feel compelled and wronged. " But it's really not easy for you to come to see me. 」

Or, when facing students (or adults) with negative learning attitude in class, tell them: "I can understand that you are arranged to come to class." In fact, if you don't want to hear it, it must be boring or even a waste of time. 」

Seek common ground while reserving differences and find mutual agreement.

Then, try to "connect" with children in "identity", that is, "seek common ground in differences" At this time, you need to find out the similarities or similarities with your children and tell them that we have the same experience. No matter what they like, what they are good at and the same growth background, it is best to have experienced similar experiences.

For example, when discussing reading study with children, I often share my past reading burnout experience with my children first; When encouraging children to find their own professional interests, I will tell them that I have been confused about what this anxious experience is.

Everyone likes to listen to stories, especially stories that resonate with their own life experiences. It should be noted that the sharing of personal stories is to arouse children's resonance and know that we have the same experience, so as to reduce each other's sense of opposition, rather than being completely centered on adults themselves.

If you can't find a similar experience to share with your child, you can also tell your child that you have met such a friend or classmate and you can understand his pain.

"Seeking common ground" will increase the feeling that "we are fellow travelers". Once this happens, children will list you as one of the important reference objects when making any decision. In other words, your influence in children's minds will begin to increase.

Recommended reading: create a "listening" environment, and children will naturally listen.

Find the key to the child's heart

I was going to leave that speech. I was willing to go on with the microphone, but I didn't leave because the teachers of the organizer earnestly asked for help-they didn't give up. How can I give up?

Another belief that supports me is: "There are no children who can't learn, only teachers who can't teach." This sentence. I need to remind myself: "It's not that children can't learn, but that I haven't found a way to help them enter the learning state." 」

In the interaction with children, we can create an atmosphere of "we are fellow travelers", which is the best preparation for students to learn.