Joke Collection Website - Cold jokes - The gates of hell

The gates of hell

( 1)

"When ... when ... when ..."

Midnight 12 struck 12, and an old-fashioned wall clock from the 1980s was hung on the wall of Wang Shuai's house, which would send out every hour.

However, the loud chime has long been used to Wang Shuai's family of three, and has long been ignored in his mind.

Wang Shuai suddenly felt a cool breeze blowing in his sleep, so he couldn't help but subconsciously pull the quilt, but he didn't pull it for a long time.

It's too late to remember that this is July, the hottest month in this city. Why is it so cold?

Wang Shuai slowly opened his eyes in the dim light and found his wife sitting up slowly from the bed.

"What are you doing? You are still not asleep. " Wang Shuai turned over lightly chastising way.

The wife didn't speak, but the figure emerged in Wang Shuai's mind. Suddenly, he found something was wrong and sat up.

My figure seems to be much shorter, thinner and leaner than my wife. Besides, my hairstyle is wrong!

The hair turned out to be an old lady's bun! Thought of here Wang Shuai scalp pins and needles, back oozing a layer of cold sweat, Wang Shuai heavily swallowed.

A spit. 30 years of experience told him that there were no ghosts in this world, so he summoned up his courage and turned around slowly.

Yes, this is the back. This figure is definitely not his wife. However, what happened next made the atmosphere in Wang Shuai tense.

I can't even breathe. He tried to run out of control, his chest fluctuated quickly, and he gulped the air, but he still felt chest tightness.

I saw this figure turn around slowly, and Wang Shuai supported his body with his arms and leaned back constantly. The man turned around completely.

This is an old lady's face, with two strands of hair hanging from her forehead and not tied in a bun.

"You, you, you are not Liu Yi on the first floor? How did you come to my house? " Wang Shuai snapped.

The hand kept scratching at the head of the bed, as if looking for new support, and suddenly I felt that what I touched on my hand was very greasy, and it was my hair.

Wang Shuai looks to the right. It's his wife's hair. His wife is still sleeping, but there is an old lady sitting where her wife gets up.

This strange scene made Wang Shuai completely collapse.

"ah!"

Wang Shuai suddenly sat up. "Turns out to be a dream. As an atheist, he is so timid. " He shook his head and laughed at himself.

Wiped the sweat on his forehead with his hand. "It's really hot today." .

I glanced at my wife next to me. She slept so soundly that she felt relieved.

"When ... when ... when ..."/kloc-The bell rang at 0/2, which startled Wang Shuai.

"This broken clock will replace you tomorrow! Hey, it's midnight 12 o'clock. I have to go to work and sleep tomorrow. " Wang Shuai lay down and closed his eyes slowly.

"Chest tightness!"

With a lingering sound, Wang Shuai collapsed in the ice room, which was the voice of Liu Yi downstairs. Wang Shuai well a burst of anger welled up in my mind, dizzy scolded 1:

"Damn it, you ...", just about to get up, I saw Liu Yi standing by the bed, dressed in coarse clothes, staring at himself, with a strange smile on his face and three words: "Chest tightness!"

"Don't, don't ..." Wang Shuai's face was twisted with fear, and she couldn't help leaning back. Liu Yi stretched out his withered hands, grabbed Wang Shuai's shoulder hard, shook it and shouted at the top of his lungs: "Chest tightness!" .

"Ah, ah, ah ..." Wang Shuai has been struggling.

"wake up!" Wang Shuai's wife kept shaking Wang Shuai's shoulder.

A ray of light shot into Wang Shuai's eyes, slightly sour, Wang Shuai narrowed his eyes and looked at it. At present, this is his wife.

He took a long breath.

Then I suddenly pinched myself with my right hand, frowned, stretched slowly and took a long breath.

"Nightmare again?" The wife looked at her husband and asked.

"Nothing."

The wife looked helpless. "I'm going to bed. Don't scare me."

His wife fell asleep soon, but Wang Shuai felt very stuffy in his chest, like a big stone pressed on it, and it was difficult to sleep. He glanced at the clock on the wall. It was 10, and 12.

Then he remembered Liu Yi downstairs, who just died today. In the afternoon, he passed by his house and saw two big white wreaths at the door, with white silk hanging at the door, crying loudly, which made him remember it still.

(2)

There is a custom in the town that people wake up for three days and three nights after death, and the children wait in the mourning hall, waiting for the soul of their loved ones to return.

People who wake up usually arrange young and middle-aged men. First, they are courageous. Second, it is said that because of the strong yang, they can suppress the yin of the dead.

Liu Yi lives on the first floor. Most of the communities here have yards on the first floor. Liu Yi's body was parked in the middle of the yard. The yard is surrounded by an iron fence. In order not to scare the children around, a large circle of white cloth was hung on the fence, from top to bottom.

Liu Yi's son, Li Nan, told his two good brothers who came to watch the vigil with him to go to bed first, but he has been here, thinking about the past, very sad, thinking about his mother's suffering in this more than half a year's illness.

I keep coughing at night.

"Ahem", a dry cough, coming from behind Li Nan, Li Nan couldn't help shivering and his head buzzing.

Li Nan slowly turned around and looked at his mother. Another "cough", but the sound didn't come from his mother's mouth. Li Nan's heart relaxed slightly and asked, "Who?"

"Hey, Xiao Nan, it's me, Wang Shuai on the second floor." Wang Shuai couldn't sleep at home because of his chest tightness. He went downstairs and went to the courtyard outside the Liu family, which was brightly lit.

Through the gap in the white cloth on the fence, I saw a dark coffin, and it was Liu Yi lying inside.

"What?" At the moment of seeing Liu Yi, Wang Shuai felt a tremor in his heart. "Why is Liu Yi's clothes the same as those in his dream just now?" . Thought of here, the feeling of chest tightness is getting stronger and stronger, and I can't help coughing twice.

"Strong elder brother, this gets, why are you standing here? Scared me to death. "

"Why are you so timid?" Wang Shuai said and walked into the yard, looking in the direction of the coffin from time to time, I saw Liu Yi's forehead with a piece of yellow paper with some complicated words written on it.

There is a palm-sized copper coin on the chest!

Wang Shuai seems to have found the cause of the chest tightness, especially want to pick up the copper coin, glanced at Li Nan, found Li Nanzheng looked at himself, immediately recovered from the absence, said:

"Liu Yisheng took good care of us before. Working overtime today, I just came in to have a look. I didn't expect Liu Yihui ... "

Li Nan nodded gently.

Wang Shuai frowned slightly and asked, "What age is it now? How can you still believe this? "

Li Nan knew that Wang Shuai meant paper money and copper coins.

That night, a monk suddenly came. He found Li Nan and said that his master had sent him. He gave him two things and told him to stick the coffin on the forehead of the body at night and put the copper coins on his chest, otherwise there might be terrible consequences.

Li Nan looked at the monk in his twenties, but he was very tolerant and had a natural and convincing feeling in his brow, so he agreed.

The monk left an address, said he came here to find him, and then left.

But after doing what the monk said, I felt a little uncomfortable psychologically. I've always been an atheist. I feel a little disrespectful to put something on my mother's body.

Now, after listening to Wang Shuai, I feel stupid.

Seeing that Li Nan seemed to be wavering, Wang Shuai continued: "It's not easy for the old man in this life, but he still has to be treated like this in the end, alas ..."

Wang Shuai shook his head and sighed.

Li Nan nodded and walked to the coffin and said, "My son is unfilial." With that, he opened the coffin on his face and picked up the copper coin in one hand.

The light shone on the old man's pale face, which made him even paler.

The moment he picked up the copper coin, the old man's chest seemed to fluctuate slightly. Maybe copper coins are too heavy.

At the moment of picking up the copper coins, Wang Shuai's chest tightness disappeared immediately. He took a deep breath and felt better. He left home with Li Nan.

Li Nan sat in a chair, looking at the moon in the sky, feeling more and more blurred, his eyelids getting heavier and heavier, and he fell asleep.

A cool breeze blew, and Li Nan got a cold war and looked at the coffin subconsciously.

"ah? Where are people? " Li Nan's brain was buzzing and he shouted.

There was an empty coffin in the middle of the yard, and the old man's body was gone.

People who were resting in the back room also heard Li Nan's cry. When they came to the yard, they were dumbfounded.

"Where are people?"

"I accidentally fell asleep just now, and I woke up and found that everyone was gone." Li Nan was completely cheated.

"Who would steal a body in the middle of the night?"

"Maybe it wasn't stolen, maybe my mother left by herself." Li Nan muttered, still holding the copper coin in his hand.

"Call the police," Li Nan's friend Dagang said and dialed 1 10.

About 10 minutes, two policemen came, both shocked by what happened, and they looked at each other. This has never happened in all my years as a policeman.

The elderly police officer asked thoughtfully, "Is there monitoring in your yard?"

"No, but there should be one on the roadside of the community." Li Nan replied.

"It's so late, let's record, let's talk about it tomorrow. Many people are not in their posts in the middle of the night, so it is inconvenient to do things. "

"Officer, this matter can't be delayed any longer, it may be dangerous."

"Danger? Isn't your mother dead? What dangers will there be? We don't know what the other party's purpose is. "

"Officer, I'm not worried about my mother. I'm afraid ... "Li Nan hesitated.

"Let me know if there is anything."

Li Nan hesitated a little and said, "I suspect my mother left by herself."

"What did you say?" The police suspected that they had heard wrong.

Therefore, Li Nan briefly talked about the monk and what happened in the afternoon.

"Ignorance, modern society still believes in ghosts and gods. This monk is mysterious and suspicious. Do you know where this monk lives? "

"When I left, he left me an address and asked me to go to him if I needed anything."

"Xiao Wang, you go to the monk to investigate, and I will look at the monitoring of the community first."

"Ok, Brother Zhang", the policeman named Xiao Wang answered and left.

A security guard in the monitoring room was sleeping, the police showed his work permit, and the security guard called out the monitoring near Li Nan's home.

"ah!" Li Nan a scream.

At 12:0 1, a shadow jumped out of the fence of Li Nan's house. Although the photo is blurred, judging from the figure, clothes and hairstyle, Li Nan must be his mother.

And there was no second person present at that time, that is, his mother, and she didn't just walk on her feet, but landed on all fours and crawled, and jumped out of the camera range three or two times.

Seeing this, the five people present felt a chill in the originally stuffy and narrow security room. My friend Dagang subconsciously wrapped his clothes and looked at Zhang.

The other two men also looked at him.

Officer Zhang wiped the cold sweat on his forehead slightly and said to the security guard, continue to adjust the monitoring outside and see which direction she went.

"Oh, oh," the security guard reacted from the sluggishness and called up the next monitor of the old lady's missing direction.

As soon as the picture came out, I saw a thin and haggard body, heading straight for the northeast with strange footwork.

"Northeast, we are already in the northeast of the town. It seems strange ... your mother is going to Beishan. Beishan is a very mysterious place, let alone at night, and few people dare to enter the mountain during the day.

This is so strange that I must report it to my superiors at once. "

Officer Zhang asked the security guard for two videos and left.

"What now?" , takong shan shan looked Li Nan asked.

"You go to rest, I'll wait for news."

"Then let's go home, huh?" Takong tentatively asked, although a little unreasonable, Li Nan's family really didn't dare to stay, and Xiao Qiang kept nodding.

Li Nan saw takong and jack Bauer trembling, it seems that he was frightened and did not dare to force them to accompany him.

"Well, you go home."

Dagang was embarrassed and left quietly with Xiao Qiang.

(3)

A monk in his forties was sitting cross-legged in a small temple in the town east.

In the past three days, the monks found that Yin Qi in Beishan became worse and worse.

Today, I happened to pass by the residential area. I heard that an old lady died, and I felt a sense of yin, which seemed to be related to the backer in the north, so I lent my musical instrument.

At this time, the monk was sitting on the futon, holding a string of beads in his left hand, his right hand naturally on his knee, and his mouth kept chanting. Suddenly, my finger was broken and my middle finger and thumb were separated.

"After so many years, what should come must come." The monk sighed softly.

After a while, there was light footsteps in the yard.

"The guest at the door came in." The monk said.

"Oh my god, someone, why don't you turn on the light? Sorry, I came in without closing the door. " Officer Xiao Wang said.

"It doesn't matter, light doesn't mean anything to me."

When Xiao Wang shone with a flashlight, he saw a very thin monk with red cloth over his eyes. Although he sat on the ground, he still looked tall and became timid at once.

"Oh, your eyes?"

"I can't see the injuries I suffered in my early years, but my hearing is OK. I knew it as soon as you entered the gate. "

"Well, I'm a policeman from Dongcheng Police Station. Tonight, I am going to investigate the incident of losing the body in the Forbidden City Community. " Officer Zhang called to tell Xiao Wang the latest situation of missing body, but Xiao Wang has already

Almost. I'll ask.

"Yes, please."

"This evening 12, the body of an old lady was lost. According to Li Nan, the son of the deceased ... "Before Wang finished, the monk interrupted:

"Lost? She left by herself. "

"How do you know?" Xiao Wang subconsciously touched the baton around his waist.

"Do you believe in ghosts, officer?"

Xiao Wang looked at him and didn't speak, saying he hadn't seen it, saying he hadn't seen it, but today this situation can't be explained.

The monk got up slowly and stood in front of an iron tower in front of Xiao. A sense of oppression made Xiao Wang a little bored and unconsciously took two steps back.

Without waiting for Xiao Wang to answer, the monk went on to say, "Was there a cold wind blowing before you came in just now?" Don't you think it's strange to have such a cold wind on a hot day? " Do you know what that is? " .

"What's that? What do you mean? " Xiao Wang has a strange question about monks.

"That's because she just passed you by."

"What?" Xiao Wang was livid, and a drop of sweat from his forehead entered the corner of his eye. He knows who she means.

The monk continued: "judging from the gust of wind just now, it is getting more and more adapted to this body." I need to stop it as soon as possible You should go home. You'd better not go out tonight. "

"Yes, yes, yes", Xiao Wang couldn't wait to leave here at once, go back to bed, and then wake up to find that it was a dream.

"sumeru, come in." After Xiao Wang left, the monk called a young monk.

"Master, as you expected, there is one more thing I don't know."

"Well, although you are very talented in Buddhism and have made my biography, you still need constant experience in the perception of true qi and luck.

You should have guessed that loading a corpse is a strange thing, but you don't know its purpose. "Sumeru nodded.

The monk went on to say, "Today is a special day, a cloudy day, a cloudy day and a cloudy day. The old man's birth attribute is also extremely cloudy, and his direction to the north is also extremely cloudy, which is what we Buddhists call "the gate of hell." "

Speaking of this, Xu Mi was surprised: "Master, you mean they are going to open the gates of hell."

"Yes, so I want to stop them. I may not come back here, and the temple will be handed over to you in the future. "

"Master, I .."

The monk raised his hand to stop sumeru from continuing: "I know what you mean. No one needs to intervene in this matter. This incident can be said to be caused by me. With your current strength, it is just a pair of bones. "

The monks stood on the roof, facing the north mountain, and looked up and felt the filar silk airflow blowing from different directions.

Finally locked in one direction and muttered, "I've been waiting for you 15 years, and you finally came." Say that finish, jump and disappear in the darkness.

With the rapid flow of air in the monk's ears, Yin Qi became heavier and heavier. In less than a quarter of an hour, he has arrived in the mountains, and countless pairs of eyes are staring at this uninvited guest.

The monk's forehead stood upright and opened his eyes. This is the eye of the sky, which most people can't see. What this eye sees is not light, but the shape and image of qi.

Looking at this mountain full of goblins eyeing themselves, the monk suddenly drank wildly, and the goblins who were close at hand immediately fainted and fled in the same direction with their heads in their arms at a distance.

Geeks ran to a canyon and jumped off. The goblins jumped for a long time without touching the ground, which judged that the canyon was extremely deep.

"It should be this place." Said the monk also jumped down.

During the descent, the monks kept feeling the wind speed in their ears. Once the limit value is exceeded, they immediately clap their hands and rely on strong air resistance to reset the speed to zero.

After repeated several times, I finally landed safely.

"It's a pity that you are late. The gates of hell have been opened. " A dozen meters away in front of him, an old man was sitting cross-legged on the ground. That old man is the body of a dead old lady. That voice is a strange non-human voice.

Behind her is a crack in the earth, and the sound of ghosts crying comes from the crack.

"Her body is useless to you. Send it back. Her son is still waiting at home. "

"Joke, human, who are you?"

"I don't want to kill people again. I know you have come out, don't hide. " He Shang is facing the old lady, as if to say to a third person.

At this time, a young woman came out from the hillside, covered with a layer of white gauze, wrapped her tall body, and the moonlight shone more brightly on her face.

"Huang, please send someone back, immediately, immediately." The woman said softly, but there is no doubt.

After Huang left, the woman continued, "I knew you would come."

"I have to come for the sake of the whole world."

"Do you have the ability to stop me? Do you know what the world is like below? Endless wars and killings, I am not what I used to be. "

"I know you defeated the baron guarding the gates of hell, otherwise you wouldn't be here. I always believed that you could do it. But you want to open the channel between hell and mankind, destroy the human world and destroy the foundation of Buddhism.

Aren't you afraid that the Buddha will blame you? "

"Ha, ha, ha, all the gods and buddhas in the sky are dealing with lawless buddhas, so I don't have time to take care of me. Fifteen years ago, you betrayed me and sent me to hell. We should make a good calculation of this account.

Fifteen years ago, I was cut off from becoming a Buddha by you, but I didn't expect that in the end, you directly drove me into endless hell with the Tathagata handprint. "The woman more say more excited, unexpectedly secretly sobbed.

"Ali, why did you bring it up again?" The monk said flatly, but his heart kept shaking.

"In any case, I will close the door of hell before it is completely opened." While speaking, the monk's qi machine has locked the woman named Ali. He clicked his toes twice on the ground and approached Ali in a flashing period. His thick arms wanted to hug Ali's waist.

Everything is between crackles, but it's really empty. The woman is already ten meters away: "Well, the speed is much faster than before, but it still can't break my elegance."

"It seems that I am no match for you, but I still have a way to stop you." As he spoke, he threw a string of beads in his hand like the sky, and the string of beads immediately became bigger, emitting a light from the middle of the string of beads.

Guard the gates of hell, Ali and the monks.

"I use the power of my soul to inject it into the beads and cover the space here. The gate of hell can't feel the world on earth, and it will be closed after a while, which will produce great suction and suck you and me in. "

Ali tried his best to get out of the space cover, but he couldn't break the transparent invisible light wall in any case. As the monks said, the cracks in the gate of hell were slowly closing, and dead trees and stones were constantly sucked in around him.

Ali is very anxious. "Would you rather go to hell? Don't you want to become a Buddha? "

"If I don't go to hell, who will?" The monks were drawn to the front by blindfolded streamers and the bodies kept moving forward.

Ali is also struggling to support his body, which is close to the cracks that are about to heal.

Just then, a Buddha's light fell from the sky, trying to cover them.

Ali saw this light and understood everything. The monk sacrificed himself and saved the whole life. The Buddha made a move, so he closed his eyes and waited for the next fatal blow.

Suddenly I felt a hot hand and pulled her into my arms, feeling so warm. Ali opened his eyes and looked at everything in front of him. The Buddha's light seems to be blocked by something

Ali's eyes are full of doubts: Why? Why? Why? . There are countless questions in her mind. She looked at the man in front of her. She wanted to ask a definite question and was about to speak.

But it was blocked by a man with his index finger.

"There were countless Taoist priests and monks who chased you, and I was one of them. But when I met you, I gave up the idea and vowed to protect you."

"At that time, you thought I won your best move, and you only used it on me. Actually, I didn't get it either. "

"I cut off your eight tails, which is actually the embodiment of your eight evils, leaving a good body. That's why your power is increasing rapidly in endless hell. "

"In those days, my master asked me to cut my strings and secretly print them for me. When you are thrown into endless hell, I am already dead, destroying my eyes and never wanting to see anyone again. "

"Master died in a hurry. Before he died, he told me that you might come back, and I have been waiting for you here."

"There is no point in becoming a Buddha after meeting you."

"Oh, and I accidentally found a monster looking for a person with a very cloudy body, but it was so stupid that I had to guide it, that is, Huang."

"Is there a problem, my little Ali?"

"Brother Qing" Ali hugged the monk tightly, and tears had already soaked the monk's chest.

Two people's tears intertwined, accompanied by a loud noise, all the light and people disappeared, and the cracks in the ground disappeared, as if nothing had happened.