A joke video of a 30-year-old man

1, the bowl fell off, and it was a big scar.

2, a literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: Please enjoy the following: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy! ! ! ! !

3, the tiger does not send a cat, you think I am critically ill!

When I was in high school, the classroom discipline was very chaotic. In a rage, the teacher picked up XXX and said, XXX, stand on the wall for me! ~ ~ The whole class is cold!

When I was driving, the female colleague sitting next to me suddenly asked, "Why don't you wear a condom when driving?"

Me: That's our physics teacher. . .

Classmate: What do you teach?

Me: Chemistry. . .

7. In the Internet cafe, a classmate suddenly raised his hand and shouted, "Teacher!"

8. One person in our dormitory drank too much urine and then brought out a cold sentence: if you drink too much urine, you will drink too much wine.

9, buy oranges, boss: one yuan and five pounds. Me: It's too expensive, five yuan and three Jin. Boss: no, no.

10, my friend asked me about the computer configuration, and I said that the monitor is a color screen. (I was going to say LCD)

1 1, junior high school art evening, grab the answering session.

Hostess: "Attention, everyone, don't grab it too fast." When I finished, I began to raise my hand. "

Then he began to look at the topic and said, "Now. . . "

At this time, a player scrambled to answer.

The host said: "This classmate is a little too anxious. I' started' (shit) is still in my mouth, why did you rob me? "

12 I heard a MM shouting "Give me a bowl of vipers ~!"

13, one day when I was at school, there was a phone call for me. My classmate answered, handed it to me and said, "Your mother wants you."

As soon as I answered the phone, I casually said, "A man and a woman."

Everyone laughed wildly. I was laughed at for four years.

14, a classmate's high school classmate (a boy) walked into the noodle restaurant and shook his hair. "Boss, two onions don't want rice noodles!" After that, I added: "More rice noodles!" Boss: ". . . . Do you want rice noodles or onions? "

15, once my classmate's mother called, I used to say "he's not here", but this time I want to say "he's out". The result was: "He ... left."

16, gg handed me a sorbet, and I took a bite and shouted, "It's burning me!"

17, went to Li Ning to buy shoes with my sister. My sister said, "Miss, how much are these shoes?"

18, once I patted my roommate's stomach, she said loudly, "Stop patting, I have urine in my stomach."

19, everyone was given badges in high school. . Before a physical examination, the class teacher ran to the classroom and shouted, put on your bra and come to Zara. . The audience was silent. . .

20. Go home on weekends when you are at school. After dinner, I was addicted to cigarettes and planned to go for a walk on the pretext. When changing shoes at the door, my father asked me why I wanted to go. I casually said, "Go have a cigarette!" As a result, my father found a pack of 555 from me and gave me a good K.

2 1, a leader of the education bureau inspected the class exercises. After the end, the PE teacher should have announced "dissolution", but in a hurry, he forgot his words and held back for a long time, shouting "retreat!"

22. In high school, there was a teacher named Jiang, who looked very much like (Tang Priest on a Chinese Odyssey). I went to ask him a question and blurted out, "Teacher Tang, this question ..."

23, a colleague, one day I was driving on the road and my tire was flat. I asked where there was an inflatable one. Colleague said: "The streets are full of abortions!"

24. A teacher played mahjong all night. Seeing that the blackboard had not been wiped, he was furious: "Who is the farmer today?" Don't clean the blackboard! "

25. Once my uncle saw my sister-in-law wearing a big treasure and suddenly shouted, "You have such good skin, why do you still use soothing treasure?"

26. When the teacher leaves homework, I copy others' if I can't do it, and then go to the office to hand in my homework. I saw the teacher say, "I copied it!" "

27. On one occasion, when we traveled to Huangshan Mountain, the tour guide only introduced that the Hundred Steps Ladder was a scenic spot in Liu Xiaoqing. Suddenly, a member of our group blurted out: "Director …" Everyone fainted.

28. At that time, several female classmates came to my house to play. I'll get the water. They turn on the DVD player to watch movies. I heard Cantonese in the back room. Then I shouted to turn down the channel. The channel is wrong, and I am speechless. My face was red and purple ~ ~ I almost fainted ~ ~

29. In my high school, I go home with my MM after school. At the school gate, I saw a barbecue seller. MM said she wanted to eat beef offal. Because there were many seniors on the grill, I was afraid that the boss wouldn't hear me, so I shouted "Boss, five strings of bullwhip", and then there was silence. Three seconds later, everyone laughed together. I am so embarrassed. . . The most embarrassing thing is that MM then asked me, "What is a bullwhip?" I have to answer MM very, very quietly: "A bullwhip is a cow's tail." .

30. quarreled with mm mobile phone. She turned up the TV so loudly that I was annoyed and said loudly, "Turn off the phone for me!" " Now that I think about it, it's cold!

3 1. Have breakfast with classmates in the morning. One of them only eats steamed buns, and the other only eats skins. We were just saying that they were wasting their time when two students who ate stuffing came over and said, "You can eat my foreskin when you are finished." All the porridge drinkers present poured out.

32. Tell a true story. On the factory bus to work, MM asked me: My computer is dying. I said: Then go back and check the virus, and remember to upgrade the antivirus software. MM: oh. The next morning, I saw MM on the bus again. I asked casually: Have you checked? Is the batter out? then ... . . . . . . . . MM said loudly: I am so angry. I checked for a long time and said it was not poisonous. What do you suggest? It was very cold then. . . . Fresh in my memory.

33. A classmate of my dormitory's high school classmate called. He said who to look for, I said I wasn't there, and then he said thank you.

34. In the past, others came to menstruation's house and just entered the door. It happened that my aunt was going to the bathroom. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "Sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!" " "

35. In the past, we had a political economy teacher who was very fond of talking! I once talked about the strength of the dollar. He said, "Do you know why only the US dollar is called' Dollar', but you have never heard of it as' British Gold' or' French Gold'?"

36. During the military training in the university, the instructor shouted: Look at your side door ~ ~ ~ We want to laugh but dare not. It's pathetic. ....

37. The female classmate and her cousin invited me to dinner and asked me to eat more during the dinner. I don't know why I made the following mistake: "Thank you, I have no sexual desire recently, please eat more!" " At that time, everyone was spouting rice. .

38. Our company has a car to go to work in the morning, because the car is not big. Once, a male colleague sitting next to me stood up and greeted her warmly and said, "So-and-so, sit on my ass!" " I laughed until I got off ~!

39. I used to be crazy about online games, and I often killed myself in Internet cafes. After the semester, I went home with a group of friends, and the train was about to leave, but we haven't found the platform yet. I suddenly said, "MD, why isn't there even a coordinate here?" ~ "The elder brothers burst into laughter after hearing this ~ ~

40. When I used to live on campus, I used to have bunk beds. The mobile phone needs to be recharged once. But there is only one socket in a bed, so reading with a lamp can't be recharged. As a result, A plugged the charger into B, and B wanted to listen to music at night. When he saw A's charger, he shouted, "Hey, I said, why do you always plug it into me?" Why don't you put it under you? "After a commotion, sweating like a pig ~ ~

4 1, when I was in college, a classmate argued with me, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. In desperation, I got up and shouted: You talk nonsense, I'm not stupid!

42. A friend of mine went on a blind date. When he came back, everyone asked him how he was. The buddy said: This girl is really rough. At noon, they walked into a beef noodle restaurant. The girl said loudly to the master: Hey, pull two bowls for Lamian Noodles's master and say: Do you want to eat? I eat and pull.

43. When I was a child, popsicles and ice cream were usually sold on bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: New ice cream is selling well. (It is estimated that Auntie used to sell fried dough sticks. )

44. The roommate boiled water with hot water. After the water boiled, the fellow read leisurely and motionless. He couldn't stand it anymore and said, "Do you want to unplug it?" It's too noisy. . "No response. 15 seconds later, he added, "It's very hot there, so it's easy to break down all the time. " 。" Nothing happened. In half a minute, the water was completely boiled and splashed. "That what, shoot. Spit out a lot of things louder and louder, and if you insert them again, you are afraid it will harm people. . Are you sure you won't pull it? " . . . A thick book flies towards my head! ! ! ~

45. Our head teacher teaches senior three math ... When he reviews for us ~ Every time he draws a picture and a ray ~ ~ he says loudly ~ ~ ` Watch it, classmates ~ ~ I took it.

46. When I was in college, I went to Hengshan to play. I was halfway up the mountain. When I am tired, I want to have a rest. Seeing Obasan buying souvenirs by the roadside, he went up and asked, "Wife ..."

47. During the self-study class, everyone was watching the review. GG said to MM, "I just finished reciting the words, help me write them down." MM doesn't want to be silent, GG asks her, you (touch) me, (touch) me! ! As a result, MM couldn't stand it, shouting, teacher, you see I don't want to (touch) him, but he insisted that I (touch) him ~ ~! ! !

48. One day I went to my classmate's house for dinner and drank some wine. Her father suddenly came in. He wanted to call uncle, but he made a mistake and said, "Dad, come and sit down!" " ~ ~ cold! A bunch of classmates laughed to death.

49. My colleague had a quarrel with someone and opened his mouth in a hurry. "Do you think I grew up eating?" I've always wondered what he grew up eating. "

50. When I was in primary school, a very annoying boy asked me to borrow an eraser. If I don't borrow it, he will pester me and hit me. Then I shouted with all my strength, "I won't marry (borrow) you." At that time, the students immediately calmed down.

5 1. Once in ktv, I ordered a song, and a mm shouted: Give me a stick chop of "Double Jielun" every week. ......

1 Endurance Ranks First: Important Matters

A man woke up in the morning and found his wife dead in bed. He jumped up quickly, looked pale, stumbled downstairs and shouted, "Ah Mei! Wish! "

The maid replied, "Sir! "what's the matter

"A boiled egg is enough for breakfast!"

Comments: Abandoning clothes and shoes is like a stranger. Humor score: * * * *

2 Endurance ranked second: magic pig.

One day, a man walked into a bar, followed by a pig. . . .

The pig lost all four legs and replaced them with four wooden sticks as artificial limbs. . .

The bartender in the shop asked the man, your pig is really strange. Why does it have no feet?

The man replied: My pig is very powerful. I thought our family was still poor and lived in a hut. As a result, pigs sniffed around in the backyard and found oil, which made me rich, built a house and built a swimming pool.

The bartender was too surprised to speak. After a while, he asked again, by the way, what happened to his foot?

The man said: You know, my pig is very powerful. One day, my five-year-old child drowned alone in the swimming pool. As a result, he jumped into the swimming pool, took my son out and gave him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!

The bartender was even more surprised and asked, then why his feet? . . . . .

The man began to get a little impatient: I told you, this is a very powerful pig. One day, my house caught fire in the middle of the night. It woke up the whole family and put out the fire alone! !

Bartender: Sir! I'm asking you why your pig has no feet. . . .

The man replied with an unhappy face: if you have such a powerful pig. ......

Will you eat it all at once?

Comments: It is inappropriate to play the lute to a cow and meet people. Humor score: * * *

3 endurance ranks third: what should I do?

The father and his little son are in front of the tiger cage in the zoo.

The father told his son how ferocious the tiger was, and his son listened seriously.

Dad, "the son finally said," if the tiger rushes out of the cage and wants to eat you ... "

"So, so ... what shall we do, son?" Father asked expectantly.

"So, which bus should I take home?" The boy raised his face and asked his father.

Comments: The speaker is unintentional and the listener is intentional. Humor score: * * * *

4 Endurance ranks fourth: Humor in the end

A woman wrote on her husband's tombstone: "It's hard work at last."

Comments: A late bloomer is a late bloomer. Humor score: * * * *

5 Endurance ranks fifth: the story of GDP

There are two very smart and talented young people in economics. They often argue about some profound economic theories. One day after dinner, I went for a walk, and two excellent young people argued again for the proof of a mathematical model. When they were having a tense game, they suddenly found a pile of shit on the grass in front of them. A said to B, I am willing to pay 50 million yuan if you can eat. The temptation of 50 million is not small. Do you want to eat or not? B took out a pen and paper, made an accurate mathematical calculation, and soon got the optimal solution in economics: eat! So A lost 50 million yuan. Of course, it is not easy to add meals to B.

As they walked on, they suddenly found a pile of shit. At this time, B began to feel severe nausea, and A felt a little distressed and just spent 50 million yuan. So b said, you eat, I'll give you 50 million. So, different calculation methods, the same calculation result-eat! A contentedly recovered 50 million yuan, while B seemed to find a little psychological balance. But suddenly, the geniuses wailed at the same time: we didn't get anything for a long time, but we ate two piles of shit for nothing! They couldn't figure it out, so they had to ask their tutor, a famous economist, to explain.

After listening to the stories of two tall men, I didn't expect the leading men to cry. Finally, when my mood stabilized a little, I saw the master trembling and erect a finger, and said with great excitement, "1 100 million!" " 1 billion! Dear students, I thank you on behalf of the motherland and the people. You just ate two piles of shit and contributed 1 100 million to the national GDP! "

Comments: It makes people shine with its weakness. Humor score: * * * *

Endurance ranks sixth: life without competitors is a kind of happiness.

One day, the sales managers of Microsoft, Lotus and Novell had a meeting to compete in marksmanship.

The first player is Microsoft. He drank two bottles of Carlsberg in one breath, raised them with one hand, and they flew into the sky, only to hear "Ping! Ping! " Two shots were fired and the bottle was broken. "NT blossoms everywhere, and sales are easy and enjoyable!"

Lotus sales manager did not show weakness, swallowed two bottles of XO, Hennessy's exquisite bottle was photographed twice .. "Software is invincible, lotus flowers are all over the world!" " Novell's sales manager, who came out at the finale, drank two bottles of Erguotou in a depressed mood, vomited two bottles, raised his gun slightly, and two shots were fired-the sales managers of Microsoft and Novell fell down. Novell's sales manager just spit out a sentence slowly:

"Life without competitors is a kind of happiness."

Comments: Feeding owls often pecks their eyes, and playing with fire must be * * * *. Humor score: * * *

Endurance ranks seventh: the disposal of prey

The cannibal father and son hunted, and the son caught a thin man. The father said, there is no meat. Let's catch fish and shrimp in the lake! His son also captured a fat man, and his father said, let it go, it's too greasy. Cut and dry, and make fur coats in winter! His son captured another beautiful woman, and his father said, take it home and eat your mother at night!

Comments: Wild and ignorant, snake and scorpion heart. Humor score: * * *

Endurance ranked eighth: electrocution

In prison, a condemned man was fidgeting. A kind guard said to him, "Don't be afraid, the current is very strong, and it won't hurt in a blink of an eye." At this moment, there was a scream from the execution ground. "What's that noise?" The condemned man asked cautiously. "I don't know." The guard said, go to the execution ground and see what happened. "There is nothing, so we have to use candles." The doorman said casually when he came back.

Comments: You deserve it. Humor score: * * * *

9 endurance ranked ninth: peeking at others after taking a shower.

Three men were exploring in Africa and accidentally peeked at a sheikh's daughter taking a bath. After being arrested, the director asked the first person whether he wanted to die or be played by jj. Of course, he replied that he wanted to play jj. So he was pulled down and hit jj50, screaming. Asked if the second man wanted to die or be played by jj, he hesitated. Life is worse than death. He also chose to play jj, so he was pulled down to play jj 100. He was extremely harsh and horrible, and he was dragged back to be dying. jj seemed to be completely abolished. Ask the third person again, do you want to die or be bounced? He hesitated for a long time, seeing that the two of them were so miserable that everything was broken. He thought it might be a miracle to choose death, at least it was not so painful, so he replied heroically: death. So the director said, "Pull it down and play jj until you die."