Psychological treatment of children abandoned by their parents in childhood

At the age of seven, the scene of sudden changes at home after school at noon still lingers clearly in my mind: the father who disappeared out of thin air didn't say hello, the collapsed mother, the fear of losing her life order and having no food, the helpless child who pretended to be strong and nowhere to go wandering on the way to school, and buried herself alive from the moment her mother cried!

No one is around, I haven't seen it, and no one has told me how to live in the future. I want to know what happened at home.

What she is sure of is: Dad doesn't want me! Mom is very busy. There are no relatives in this world except parents. If you lose your mother and become an orphan before you grow up, it is terrible. You are growing up and will be helpless.

Since then, the mother who took care of her daily life at home has become a bedridden, sad and crying mother. Every day after school, I am most afraid of pushing the door open and entering the cold pot. The cold stove is dim and sad, and the hungry heart dare not make any noise. She tried her best to escape from the damp, cold, heavy and scary house and forgot her flustered hunger by playing hard. Nobody went home for dinner, so she played alone.

Children abandoned by their fathers are also abandoned by their mothers. Mothers have lost the function of nurturing and caring for their children in the past, so that children abandon their children in front of them, and let them experience the feeling that although their mothers are opposite, there is no mother around them, that is, their mothers can't see the coming and going of their children, their mood and growth, and their children are hungry. Depressed mothers are completely immersed in their own world, and then they start to go crazy further, and they are annoyed with children who make noise and move around anytime and anywhere.

At that age, children who were abandoned by their parents and could not be taken care of and beaten by their mothers completely trusted their parents and believed their words. He will think that my father doesn't want me. I must have done something wrong. I don't want me, because I am really good enough. My mother hit me because I did something wrong. Judging from my parents' attitude and behavior, I will think that I am really in trouble, and I will be taken care of and troubled if I want to live. So the seeds of my guilt in life were planted in my heart.

Children who live with this belief are afraid to eat more and say whatever they want. They always look at their mother's face and the faces of people around them, guess what they allow and hope, and what they don't allow and hope to decide what to do, even to what extent. I've been afraid of making mistakes all my life. I dare not make a decision unless others agree. I dare not express my feelings and needs if others have opinions. I can only keep satisfying others' desires, and dare to take a long breath in my heart when others are satisfied. Only now can I live and be allowed to live in the future. It seems that if others are not satisfied, they have the right to take away her ownership of life at any time, but she can't resist and can only listen to the outside world.

Her life and death depend on whether she satisfies others. It is determined by the quality and truth of others' mouth and whether it is perfect, the satisfaction of others and the conditions that allow her to survive. Only 100% satisfaction, only 100% or even 200% Excellence can satisfy other people's desires and lead a better life in their hearts.

Such a child will appear to have no opinion and rely on external evaluation and judgment.

More importantly, when she grows up, she will bring this interpersonal model into all social and work relationships, and will inadvertently cultivate others into people who have no boundaries to extract her interests, disrespect and ignore her feelings. At the same time, she will copy this relationship to her children and bring them the same trauma.

What a terrible cycle of fate brings intergenerational trauma, which can be passed down from generation to generation without oral preaching.

When we start the road of self-growth, we can face up to the painful experience and see that the little girl who cares for the traumatic time with her mature self and personality (or looking for a professional psychological counselor) can only be cured by giving her enough companionship and care, giving her permission to express her feelings and needs, expressing her anger, accepting her vulnerability and understanding her desire, giving all maternal love nourishment and care, and allowing it to exist with regrets and imperfections.

Every agitation and touch of the wound is a chance to heal. Simply escaping and transferring without facing criticism will only increase the harm and will not change anything. That wound will remain in the memory of your body and brain nerves, and it will never be treated or scabbed.

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