Joke Collection Website - Cold jokes - 2017 various routines and jokes chat records (2)
2017 various routines and jokes chat records (2)
A selection of some annoying routines and jokes
1. The first time in class
The teacher said to move the mouse to the screen
The result…. I actually saw someone putting the mouse against the screen...moving slowly...
2. "In the military training of college students, the instructor found someone passing a note while giving a lecture, so he asked for it and read it. The content is as follows:
"Morning exercise:,
Eating:,
Standing in military posture:,
Five-kilometer cross-country trip:,
Tactical class:,
Digging trenches:,
Participation exercises:,
Standing on night watch:
Exercise classes:."
The instructor smiled instead of getting angry and asked: "Then What am I?" Someone blurted out without thinking: "An expert in manipulating people!"
The instructor was furious, "Who said that?" The same voice replied: "A crusader without regrets!"
3. I am responsible for the computer room of my unit. My colleagues often come to me for advice when they have problems with their computers. One time, Teacher Meng saw me and said, "Daqiang, my computer is infected with a virus. Can you help me kill it?" I said no problem. At this time, Teacher Zhang opened the door and came in. When he heard about it, he hurriedly said: "Kill me first!" Teacher Meng said: "My machine is right here, kill me first." Teacher Zhang said no. I hurriedly advised: "Don't be anxious, everyone. Kill Teacher Meng first. Teacher Zhang, don't be anxious. After killing him, I will kill you right away. They will all be killed!"
4. User: Why do I always kill him? I can’t get online!
The customer service asked about the situation: it may be a problem with your cat.
User: OK, wait a moment. . . Okay, my cat has asked me to close the door!
Customer service: !!!!!
5. A: Do you know what HTML is?
B: Of course, idiot! It’s "Howtomakelove?" Some funny jokes about making people laugh
6. Mental illness goes to the bank to withdraw money. One afternoon, my classmate was very bored at work at China Construction Bank. The very bad lady (psychopath) came to his window and gave him a note asking to withdraw money.
The note clearly stated, "This is to send a comrade to withdraw RMB from your bank." Then there are N multiple zero elements after l.
The signature is ______ C. P Central Office______. My classmate originally wanted to call the police, but seeing how seriously the mentally ill woman looked, she decided to call the security guard instead. (~I guess the security guard is also very busy).
Sure enough, the security guard said to the woman: "If you want to withdraw money from this note, you must first go to the police station opposite and ask the station chief to stamp it. After he stamps it, you can come back to withdraw money, no problem." La."
The woman walked directly to the police station without thinking. (This security guard is really extraordinary, I usually underestimate him).
......
7. 1. Confucius said: "If you don't sleep at noon, you will collapse in the afternoon." Mencius said: "Confucius is right!"
2. I remember that I once determined to be a fun person.
3. To explain is to cover up, and to cover up is to tell a story~~
4. Don’t ask me again: How have you been recently?
5. Will Think about the pay-to-pay ratio, forget it, I don’t want to live anymore.
6. If there are difficulties, you must overcome them. If there are no difficulties, you must overcome them even if they create difficulties.
7. Summer is just not good. When you are poor, you can’t even drink the northwest wind.
8. Hold the child’s hand and drag the child away.
If the child doesn't leave, beat him unconscious and continue to drag him away~!
9. You asked me to get out, I got out, you asked me to come back, I'm sorry, I got away!!!
10. I fought against fat and almost lost my life
11. Well, just give me an affordable grave.
......
8. "The little white rabbit jumped to the bakery and asked: "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"
Boss: “Ah, I’m so sorry, there aren’t that many”
“That’s it. . "The little white rabbit left dejectedly.
The next day, the little white rabbit jumped to the bakery, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"
Boss: "I'm sorry, there's still no ammonia." "That's it." The little white rabbit walked away dejectedly.
On the third day, the little white rabbit jumped to the bakery, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"
The boss said happily: "Yes. Yes, today we have a hundred buns!!"
The little white rabbit took out the money: "Great, I will buy two!""
9. "I just broke up with my best friend and came back, and I was so depressed. . .
He has been with this woman for 2 years. My buddy is handsome and his family environment is relatively good. Maybe this woman wants to get married.
My friend wants to We broke up, I have to do it
I said that I had the courage to meet in person
I just said: I am gay and I have always liked me
I was embarrassed next to me The woman who wanted to cry teased that he had already figured out that he was gay. . . .
Today’s breakup is not unexpected. . . .
It was raining outside Shenyang, and we two old men walked home silently under an umbrella.
When we were getting in the car,
This guy came. Sentence:
"You think it's all fake? "Fuck you!!!!!"
10. "Waiting for the train in the subway, a buddy said excitedly Running towards the policeman, I wondered if he had picked up the wallet.
He ran to the police and said excitedly: "Brother policeman, I just bought a bottle of green tea from the vending machine. I won another bottle. Where can I redeem my prize?" 1. Decorate the house. , the construction team was too irresponsible, so my boyfriend started arguing with them, and I came over to break up the fight.
Boyfriend: Just in time you are here, stand up straight against the wall - you see, this is called flat! How dare you call the bricks on your wall flat?
; This E-cup bra
There are girls in our building who can wear it!""
That night, the bra was hung on the doorknob of the dormitory... (Sayuri)
3. In the office, the tutor roared angrily: ""Nowadays college students are so unqualified. They used my computer to copy and cut pornographic films
!""(I love Nankai)
4.MM: I was angry with you a few days ago!
..." Some classic jokes about annoying people
11 Yesterday, I received a text message from a scammer, asking me to transfer money to an account at the Agricultural Bank of China. I responded half an hour later: 5,000 has been deposited, please check. Today I received a reply: "I went to the bank three times, and I still have to pay." I haven’t received your money, you liar!”
There is a Mr. Huang, whose son is called Huang Jun. He often takes his son to take the No. 8 bus, so there are often funny scenes like this: Mr. Huang takes the I was walking my son towards the station and saw a No. 8 bus coming into the bus station in the distance. I immediately shouted to my son beside me: "Huang Jun, run quickly, No. 8 is coming!"
Once my mother asked me When you go out to buy cold vegetables, they are the kind that are mixed and put in plastic bags.
After buying it, I was walking back, and suddenly a man and a dog passed by me. The dog followed the salad in my hand. As a result, the owner caught the dog in time, and I clearly heard the owner say to the dog: "Be rational!" I was petrified on the spot and watched the man and the rational dog leave under the afterglow of the sunset.
......
12. 1. A driver asked an old man for directions. The old man said: "I will take you there, keep going 10 kilometers. "The driver drove 10 kilometers as the uncle said. The uncle got out of the car and said, "I'm home. Drive back 9 kilometers and you'll find the place you're looking for."
2 , Xiao Ming: Do you know about the Himalayas? Girl: Yes, what's the matter? Xiao Ming: That was built by my dad! Girl: What's so great about this, do you know the Dead Sea? That sea was killed by my dad...
3. Zhu Zhu and Lili had a quarrel and ran out angrily, standing under the street light and sulking. Lili also chased after her. When she saw this, she said leisurely: Don't think that standing under the lamp can turn into a luminous pearl!
4. A certain gentleman came to the bookstore to buy books. Because it was really hard to find them among thousands of books, he decided to He said to the clerk: I think the content of this book is roughly like this: there is no murder but hidden murderous intentions, there is no love but love and hate are hard to let go, there is no detective but always vigilant. Can you introduce it to me? The store clerk brought me "China Stock Market Quotes."
……
13. After the three nuns died, they all ascended to heaven and happened to arrive at the gate of heaven together. St. Peter stood and respectfully welcomed them. St. Peter congratulated them one by one, congratulating them that as God's servants in the world, with their hard work and selfless dedication, they have brought countless warmth and happiness to the world, and finally their souls can be ascended to heaven and receive The glory of living with God forever. St. Peter finally said that because of their outstanding contributions, God promised to give each of them a reward, giving each of them the opportunity to return to the world to live for another twenty-four hours and become anyone they were willing to choose to do. St. Peter emphasized that God promised to fulfill their wishes unconditionally no matter what they wanted to be in the past or present.
……
14. Customer service: Hello, how can I help you?
User: Please help me switch to the artificial desk!
Customer service:......(Think of me as a robot?)
15. "I remember one time, I opened the refrigerator and found a photo taped inside the refrigerator. On it was a beautiful Charming, top-notch, scantily clad girl.
“Mom, what is this?” I asked.
“Oh, I put that thing there to remind myself at all times. Don't eat too much. "My mother answered.
"Is this useful?" I asked
"It's useless," she continued, "I lost 15 pounds, but your dad But I gained 20 pounds!""
16. After taking the computer home, follow the online instructions to set it up one by one, and then excitedly click the mouse to go online! Huh? The password is wrong! I reset it, but the password is still wrong. Reluctantly, I drove to the data bureau to ask for advice. The service lady asked: "Have you farted (P) before entering your user name?" Then I realized that there is such a rule. If you want to access the Internet, you must first fart (P) before your name.
17. "Comrade Director, my marriage report..."
"Didn't I approve it for you earlier?"
"Look... "
The director took the report, put on his spectacles and took a look. It turned out that the word "photograph" was approved.
18. Xiaozi is an out-and-out Madagascar. Except for herself who does not admit it, everyone else has realized this. No, I just went out for two days and forgot the password to my email. It was filled with orders from customers! The boss called after a while to ask questions, and Xiaozi was as anxious as an ant on a hot pot.
When her husband saw this, he hurriedly offered advice: "When you registered your email, wasn't there a password prompt? You can use this function to retrieve your password." This sentence reminded Xiaozi, she picked up her husband and gave her a kiss. Mo Ruofu, the one who always praised me for knowing me!
So, Xiaozi immediately opened the website and clicked "Forgot Password", and the window popped up with a set prompt question - "What is my greatest personal privacy?"
"Personal privacy...what is it?" Xiaozi was worried. My birthday - enter the birthday number, it is wrong; my home phone number - enter it, it is wrong; wedding anniversary - enter it, it is wrong; bank card number - enter it, it is wrong; the anniversary of meeting my first boyfriend - enter it , wrong; the male star I have a crush on - enter, it's wrong; Oh! The name of my richest boyfriend "Carrot" - enter, it's also wrong...
..... .
19. "The security environment on campus is very poor, and bicycles are often lost.
A certain gentleman lost several bicycles and became very angry.
In desperation, He locked seven locks on the car, and in order to anger the thief, he attached a note and wrote: Let's see how you steal!!
After class, he was pleasantly surprised to find that the car was safe and sound, and the note was still there.
When he took a closer look, he was surprised. He found that in addition to the original seven locks, there was one more lock on the car, making it eight. Looking at the note again, he also saw that
It’s not the original one, but a new one, and I wrote: Let’s see how you open it!”
20. “A couple named Huang gave birth to three daughters, and in the blink of an eye they all reached the right age. Marriage age, due to very strict family education, the three daughters are still virgins
The couple named Huang each found a son-in-law for their three daughters. Seeing that the day of marriage was approaching, they couldn't help but feel sad. They started to worry.
The wedding was held happily, and the three daughters and their husbands were about to leave home for their honeymoon. Mr. and Mrs. Huang were very concerned about whether their daughter’s first night would be a successful one, so as a mother, they talked to their three daughters in private. Said: Your father and I are concerned about your wedding night and want to know whether you are happy. In order not to make your husband suspicious, you informed us in code that your daughters, who are full of joy and anticipation, have gone on their honeymoon. p>
One week passed, and the couple surnamed Huang received the first letter. When they opened it, they saw that it was written by their eldest daughter. There were only four big words written on the letter: "Arland Simmons Mattress". Not to mention picking up the newspaper at hand and looking for the advertisement of Arlan Simmons, Mr. Huang said: I found it. The title was "Extra Large, Strong and Gentle." The old gentleman and his wife were very happy at the moment.
... ..."
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