Two minutes of funny stand-up comedy.

There are funny and meaningful jokes every day. If only you could spend two minutes brewing an interesting joke. The following is a funny 2-minute stand-up comedy I arranged for you. I hope it will help you.

2 minutes funny stand-up comedy (popular)

1. Cover the camera with an umbrella, stay up late reading in the small room of atm, and the police will knock at the door in about 2 hours. Then I opened the door and the policeman asked me what I was doing in it. I said I was reading, and he asked me why I was reading here. I said I couldn't stand it, so I inserted the bank card and looked at the balance, so I had the mind to continue reading. After listening to my words, there was something in his eyes. Just let me go home early and rest.

2. I just saw the school status of one of my female classmates: Oh, my God! I just know that Lee MinHo is also a cancer! Yoga Lin is a cancer, Fang Datong is a cancer, Lu Guangzhong is a cancer, Stephen Chow is a cancer, Tony Leung Chiu Wai is a cancer, Jacky Cheung is a cancer, Jordan chan is a cancer, Jin Fan is a cancer, Ni Kun is also a cancer, and Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks are all cancers. Do you want all the men I like to be cancer? !

Haidilao finally went to sea yesterday! This shanzhai aircraft carrier has inherited the shanzhai culture of China for many years, and has many capabilities such as loud voice, strong power storage, dual card and dual standby! It is said that several island countries in the South Pacific often hear bursts: flying freely in their hearts.

4.？ Classmate, how to get to the library? She looked at him with an unhappy face. This is the third time you have asked me this question this month! If you want to chat up, you can let me be your girlfriend. Find some fresh reasons. ? He smiled shyly. A month later, she took his arm. Meet me in the library after class. ? Wait a minute! That? How to get to the library?

Last night, I discussed with a male friend of mine to find a couple in Sanlitun. He first went up and slapped the man and said, so you are bisexual! ? ; Then I slapped the man again and shouted, Don't tell me this woman is your sister again! ? The scene was so shocking?

6. Girls' version: I'll go, junior year is here, and senior year is on sale. Dream big dreams in spring and autumn. There are so many new properties in China, but have you ever seen house prices fall?

7. Never give a bad review of selling sex toys on Taobao, even if the goods you receive are as bad as mine, otherwise you may sign for a long bag of 0.5 m *0.2 m * 1.6 m within one week after giving a bad review, and the inflatable doll and your name and phone number will make your dog blind. What's more, there are no inflatable dolls in it, all of which are waste newspapers!

8. One day, my mother spoiled: I am my mother's intimate little cotton-padded jacket. Go over and say to mom. The result was pushed away by my mother:? Don't wear a cotton-padded jacket on a hot day! ?

9. A man riding a bicycle accidentally bumped into a woman. The man helped the woman up and said, Beauty, you are so lucky! ? The beauty is angry:? You hit me and said I was lucky? ! ? The man explained:? You know, I went on holiday by bike today. I usually drive a bulldozer! ?

10. Has Mei Chaofeng changed? Dried plum? Mei Chaofeng was finally crippled by the aura of Magic Capital, and the clouds in the west were obviously weakened compared with those in the east. At present, it is impossible to land. After Mei Chaofeng turned into dried plum, she accelerated northward (fled northward) and headed for Shandong Peninsula. The impact on Shencheng can't be said to be completely absent, but it certainly won't reach the level of catastrophe. This is the second typhoon that has been crippled by the magic capital gas field this year.

2 minutes funny stand-up comedy (classic)

1. It was still noisy in the classroom when the bell rang. As soon as the teacher struck the table, he immediately became quiet. Then the teacher shouted, didn't you hear the bell ring? After a silence, a deep voice came from the teacher's corner: paralysis, when did you hear the bell?

2. There are n possibilities for Cowherd and Weaver Girl to fail at Qixi Bridge: 1. The Weaver Girl recognized michel platini. Cowherd found a mistress and couldn't keep the appointment; The magpie bridge collapsed and both of them died. Later, it was found that magpies ate unsafe food and made tofu dregs project. 3. Both of them can't afford the high toll of crossing the bridge, so they can only look at the bridge and sigh; 4. The bridge deck is blocked by the bullet train rear-end collision. No one is allowed to get on the bridge except the Ministry of Railways.

My cousin's daughter is over 4 years old. Once my cousin jokingly asked her daughter:? We are going to raise pigs, but we need to arrange work. We need to choose one person to feed the pigs delicious food every day, one person to clean the room every day, one person to bathe the pigs every day, and one person to play with the pigs every day. what do you want to do? She answered without thinking:? Being a pig? .

When the train entered the tunnel, it was dark, only a kiss was heard, followed by a slap in the face. When the train got out of the tunnel, four strangers didn't say a word. Only one person's eyes were blue. The old woman thought: the little girl is beautiful and has a beautiful heart. ? The girl thought:? It's strange that an old woman who kisses me won't kiss me. ? A thought: how cunning B is! I was beaten for stealing a kiss! ? B thought: I kissed the back of my hand and slapped A again, and no one noticed. ?

5. My classmate's signature: What Tanabata! It's obviously Singles Day! 7.7 binarization is 1 1.111,which is worse than11! ! !

6. Today, my boyfriend was on a business trip and called me a few hours ago to report his safety. I am idle and bored now, just like Doby's boyfriend. Call his hotel room:? Hello, sir. Do you need special service? He said:? No, I already have it. ?

7. Once upon a time, there was a hooligan who listened to the words of the beast, peeked at the girl taking a bath, stole the girl's underwear, threatened the kind fairy with both hard and soft, and occupied his wife. Then the fairy got Stockholm syndrome. Triggered a series of incredible events. To commemorate this event, people from China passed through Chinese Valentine's Day. (@ Zheng Haiqiao)

8. In college, the professor asked us: Which do you choose, money or wisdom? A buddy answered without thinking:? Of course I want money! ? The professor said with a smile. I will choose wisdom. ? The professor then asked:? Do you know why? That buddy, once again, said without thinking: of course, people will choose what they lack, I can understand. ?

9. I am looking at the night sky. Hotels and guesthouses will be full tonight, and countless girls will lose their virginity. Happily, someone else's future wife is lying in bed. Sadly, your future wife doesn't know who is lying in bed. More tragically, she lost her virginity in a hotel in 40 yuan for one night, but today she wants a flat house of 65438+100000 from you before she wants to marry you. . .

10. anonymous children's shoes signature: whoever will accompany me to spend Tanabata this year, I will let him spend Father's Day next year!

1 1. I'm sorry to be back in the army. My mother patted me before I left home. I told my dad: Dad, your wife hit my dad and said my mom: Don't hit him, it will easily lead to military-civilian disputes. My father made me laugh in an instant, and the sadness of parting vanished in an instant.

12. After separation, each has a new life, never taking the initiative to contact, silently watching the circle of friends and space? See how you've been recently. My husband doesn't come home in the middle of the night, and my mother-in-law is not good for you. Nobody cares about having children? Whenever I see here, my heart? It's really indescribable. ? Boss, another pile, two bottles of Laoshan! Celebrate! Celebrate!

13. A friend likes to eat and drink. That was not the case. In order to eat, I thought of the loss. Let your girlfriend be the trustee and let others treat you on the grounds of helping people introduce your girlfriend. Whenever the food is almost the same, use the inappropriate as an excuse to signal your girlfriend to run away! That's it. It works every time, okay? Often take a walk by the river, how can I not wet my shoes? Then my girlfriend really ran away with someone else?

14. My three-year-old nephew came to my house today and saw the soup-filling bag on my desk. He picked it up and wanted to eat it. I was afraid that he would drink soup everywhere, so I told him: hot! Hot! Hot! My nephew looked at me, then at the soup bag, and reacted for five seconds. He threw it away and cried, Hot?

15. Last night, the chef met an old friend (female, I haven't seen her for more than ten years) who came to the store for dinner. Because the cook didn't recognize her, she didn't have any expression at first. That? Woman? A friend patted him on the shoulder and said, old friend, you work here! That? Woman? A friend brought an eight or nine-year-old son. Two old friends were talking excitedly when her son said, Mom, this is your ex-boyfriend ? After the embarrassing situation lasted for a minute, the people in the hall burst into laughter, hahahaha.

16. A beautiful female colleague got up late one day and rushed to the company before putting on makeup. And she didn't go to work that day? Surprised]

17. Wukong and Tang Priest went to a TV station together. If you are the one, Wukong came on stage and all the lights went out. Reason:. No house, no car, only a broken stick ... bodyguards are in occupational danger ... always hitting fairies, not being gentle with girls ... Once in prison, they will be crushed by Wuzhishan next year. Tang Priest came on stage, wow! The lights are all on. The reason is: Civil servants; Brother Huang, backstage is the hardest. He is proficient in Sanskrit and other foreign languages. He is very handsome. The most important thing is that he has a BMW!

18. There was a man named Luo Zhen. He married a wife for you to take care of and gave birth to a son named Trouble. One day the trouble disappeared! The couple went to report the case. The policeman asked his father, what's your name? Dad said: It's really embarrassing. The policeman was angry, and then he asked his mother's name. Mom said: I want you to take care of it. The policeman was very angry and said, What are you doing? The couple said: nothing to look for.

19. Reporter: Seriously, can you really change a baby's diaper? Yao Ming: Why don't you lie down and I'll change it for you! To tell the truth, I will change the baby's diaper and feed it with one foot. Reporter: I don't believe it! Yao Ming: Really, you don't even have to turn on the light. Reporter: Impossible! What do you suggest? Yao Ming: Just wake up your daughter-in-law with one foot.

20. A year ago, I donated blood in the school square. CC gave me a manicure set and CC gave me a watch. A MM in the next class felt very happy when she heard about it. She ran to the nurse and asked, "What does CC give me to eat?" The nurse said calmly, "send a coffin?"

2 minutes of funny stand-up comedy (selected articles)

One day, my 5-year-old son and I watched a documentary made by women on TV. My son asked me softly:? Mom, did you have the same pain when you gave birth to me? Yes ? I replied. He hugged me and said gratefully. Mom is so smart that she knows how to have a boy, or I will suffer. ?

2. If you want to choose this year? Touched China? Personality, I think I will choose Guo Meimei's michel platini. A man gives Hermè s and Maserati to a woman who is only worth a beautiful qq car for free, but he doesn't want meat compensation or other returns. This is a noble person, a pure person, a moral person, a person who has broken away from low tastes and is conducive to the improvement of women's status. (@ scurrying in the wind)

3.？ I am always rejected by others, and I want to refuse others once. It's almost Tanabata, please confess to me and help me once. ? Okay, I like you. ? I like you too. ?

4. Guo Meimei wants to enter the entertainment circle, and the entertainment circle is anxious and collectively boycotted on the grounds that Meimei has no bottom line; I'm going to shoot the online drama "michel platini" with Guo Meimei, and a bunch of people sent me private messages, offering to play michel platini. Look, it's much lower than the bottom line of the entertainment circle! (@ Liu Chun)

I just saw the signature of a male friend: Qixi signed a girl with simple mind, sensitive body, no self-control and no moral bottom line.

6. The story of Guo Meimei's mother and daughter tells Chinese people that China stock market is legendary! A goddaughter with mental retardation can't be recognized casually. This is just a lie!

There is a phenomenon on the streets of Hong Kong recently. More and more people answer the phone and say, I'm in Hong Kong, wait until I come back! The tone is very strict. This has attracted the attention of the Hong Kong government. What can't you say in Hong Kong? They set aside a special fund to investigate whether Hong Kong will become an area where freedom of speech is suppressed. It turned out that they came from the mainland, but the roaming phone bill was too expensive.

8. One day, the cow gave the donkey a difficult problem and asked? Stupid? Which of the two bugs under the word is male and which is female? The donkey racked his brains, but he still couldn't answer. Cow scolds: What a donkey, male left and female right!

9. At the concert, a buddy excitedly said to the star on the stage with a microphone. I am your biggest fan. I attended almost every concert. Today, I finally have a chance! Can you take a picture with me and my girlfriend? The star felt very moved and agreed without hesitation. Then this guy listened happily and asked the audience: Great, ladies, who wants to be my girlfriend?

10. 1 1 The new primary school girls are coming, dear! 10 senior sister's hot discount promotion ing oh dear ~ plus 2009 senior sister's free gift oh dear ~ 2008 senior sister has been taken off the shelf!

1 1. Second, she is a no three no four beauty.

12. A woman stared at me with a mop in one hand and a child in the other.

13. The saddest thing is not that you gave birth to me and died, but that the bus came and I was still crossing the road. When I arrived, it was gone.

14. Do you think it's a waste of resources not to go out the next day after washing?

15. Blame me me for being too young to see if I am a human or a dog.

16. I have heard the most absurd sentence in history. His sophomore uncle is a woman! ! Ha ha laugh

17. It's a bit crowded to go to work by bus today. As soon as I got up, I heard a woman shouting? Your mother's foot, did you step on me? The whole car was shocked at the time. . .

Listen before you speak; Think twice before you act; Earn first and then spend; Try it before you quit.

19. Don't tell ghost stories at night, because people love to listen and ghosts love to listen.

20. Busy, have something to say, don't worry about the whole thing.

2 1. I'll write your name on the sole and stomp a few feet every day when I'm free.

22. The highest state of being a woman-Gao Fushuai, the highest state of being a man-can also be set in Gao Fushuai.

23. It is true that a man must be free, and even if a woman is kind to him, she is tired of him.

24. Today is Tanabata, and it is romantic that couples get wet in the street.

25. I want to study hard every time, and then I kneel under the pomegranate skirt of my computer phone!

I am not a bone. I can't let every dog run after me.

27. Never believe what the lyrics say. They can write anything that rhymes!

28. You can see why there is famine in Africa.

29. Ignoring me makes me too late to dodge.