Family jokes

The son of a rich family went to take an exam, and his father gave him a test in advance. He got good grades and thought he would be admitted, but he didn't expect to be included.

There is no son's name in the world. Father hurried to the county magistrate for trial. The magistrate turned the volume to see that there was a faint fog on it, but

I can't see any words.

As soon as dad got home, he scolded, "Why is your paper so ugly?"

My son cried and said, "No one grinds ink for me in the examination room, so I have to dip my pen in water and write on the inkstone."

An old lady who reads Buddha

An old lady, with several beads in her hand, read Amitabha, Amitabha and shouted, "Han, Han,

There are too many ants in the pot. I hate it. Take a fire for me and burn them. Then read: "Amitabha, Amitabha!" "

Buddha. "Then he shouted," Han, Han, help me remove the ash from the bottom of the pot. Don't use a dustpan in your own house.

Yes, because it would burn out, I borrowed a dustpan from my neighbor's house. Remember, remember. Amitabha, Amitabha. "

Never a vegetarian.

Monks visit people. When the master saw that he was a monk, he asked, "Master, do you drink?"

The monk smiled and said, "Drink a little wine, but never be a vegetarian."

Get rid of fools

A man complained to the county magistrate, "I lost a hoe tomorrow, please ask my master to find it."

The county magistrate asked, "you slave! I lost my hoe tomorrow. Why didn't you report it yesterday? "

The beadle beside him couldn't help laughing. The magistrate immediately closed the case and said, "You must have stolen the hoe! What the hell are you stealing?

Why? "

The deacon replied, "I want to get rid of that idiot."

The old man is very sad.

There was an old man with deep pockets and a full house of children and grandchildren. On the centenary birthday, birthday guests crowded the house, but the old man

Very unhappy.

Everyone asked him, "You are so blessed, what are you worried about?"

The old man replied, "I'm not worried about anything, but I'm worried that when I celebrate my 200th birthday, hundreds of people will come to congratulate me.

How can I remember them one by one? "

Strive for bargaining

A man is playing outside the door with his son in his arms. The neighbor jokingly said, "The blood of father and son really comes down in one continuous line. It's up to you. "

My son will know that his face is really the same as mine. "

The person holding the child said, "Yes, you and this child are brothers born to a woman. How can your face be different? "

What about the same? "

Bad heart.

There are two little people who have poisonous sores on their backs and seek medical treatment. The doctor looked at the first one, then at the second one, pretending to be afraid.

He said: "His heart is worse, but it can be cured. Your heart is rotten, rotten. How can I cure it? "

Sparrows treat

One day, the sparrow invited the birds to drink. It said to the kingfisher, "You are wearing such bright clothes, so naturally please sit down."

Go to the table. "

He said to the eagle, "although you are big, you have to be wronged to sit at the next table in black and ugly clothes."

The eagle replied, "You slave, why are you so snobbish?" ! "

The sparrow replied, "No one in the world knows that I am a small-minded sparrow."

Animals bully the poor.

A man asked a beggar, "Why do dogs bite when they see you?"

The beggar replied, "If I have a good coat and hat to wear, the animals will respect me."

Huangdi yizhuang

A beggar came back from Beijing and boasted that he had seen the emperor. Others asked him, "What clothes does the emperor wear?"

Answer: "I wear a hat carved from white jade and a golden robe."

Q: "How can you bow in a golden robe?"

The beggar spat at him and said, "Haha, I really don't understand the world! Now that you are the emperor, who do you bow to? "

Afraid of drowning in wine

When guests enter the store to buy wine, they will say the word "Dun" after drinking, and they will talk endlessly. Others asked, "I think I drank too much."

Are you afraid of diarrhea and going to squat down to go to the toilet? "

The man pointed to the glass and said, "No, I just want a chopping block so that I can climb up and not drown in this thin water."

Signboard painting knife

The owner of the hotel had his shop sign written. After that, the man scratched a knife on it.

The boss asked in surprise, "What do you mean by drawing a sword?"

Answer: "I want to kill the water vapor in the wine with this knife!" " "

Step flat gourd

There is a rule in the hotel that any guest who comes to buy wine and eat wine will be punished and tied to a wooden post as long as he says the wine is sour.

One day, a Taoist priest walked into the shop with a big gourd on his back. When he saw a man tied to a wooden post, he asked why. The boss replied:

"He talked nonsense about my sour wine, so he was punished."

The Taoist priest said, "Please give me a cup to taste." The shopkeeper brought the wine, and the Taoist priest took only one sip and ran away in a hurry.

The boss was very happy because he didn't say the wine was sour. He cried, "You forgot the gourd."

The Taoist priest ran away and said, "I don't want it. I don't want it. You can keep it as a vinegar sign. "

A flag

There is a family in Huizhou who has been litigating with others all the year round. They are both resentful and bored. On New Year's Eve, the father and son discussed it.

Tao: "Next New Year, we will all say some auspicious words to bless our good luck in the coming year and avoid lawsuits."

The sons said, "Dad, you say something first."

Father said, "Good year."

The eldest son replied, "Less bad luck."

The younger son also said, "No lawsuit."

They asked someone to write a banner with three words, 1 1, and put it on the nave, asking the family to recite it in a clear voice from time to time, which was easy to please.

This is auspicious.

Early in the morning, the son-in-law came to pay a New Year call. When he went to the hall, he looked up and saw the banner. The clear voice said, "This year is very unlucky."

No lawsuit. "

The father and son were so anxious that they said, "Bad luck, bad luck!"

Scold fart person

A group of friends were sitting together when someone suddenly farted. I don't know who it is. Everyone suspects someone and blames him. Actually, that

Men didn't fart, didn't argue, just laughed.

They asked, "What's so funny?"

Answer: "The one who laughs fart still scolds me with everyone."

Pay off every year

A man borrowed 6 taels of silver from someone, and agreed that the interest would be 5 cents in January and February and 3 taels at the end of the year. A year has passed.

At that time, the borrower asked the creditor to pay back an iou of 4 yuan 10, and the creditor agreed.

At the end of the second year, according to the calculation of 10, the interest should be 6 Liang, and the person can't pay it back. Please ask for another 4 Liang.

Two IOUs, and the creditor agreed.

At the end of the third year, according to the interest rate of 20 Liang, it was 32 Liang with principal and interest. He couldn't afford it, so he asked for 8 Liang and asked for another one.

Zhang sishiliang owes an iou. The creditor hesitated, and the borrower got angry and said, "You have no conscience! Lend your principal and interest. What year?

If not, why do you find all the changes unhappy? "

Yellow croaker is afraid of stink.

There is a fishmonger who picks yellow croaker, and his steps are vigorous. A rich man liked his strong feet and hired him to correct them. Who knows he left the sedan chair?

The journey was so slow that the rich man asked him strangely why. The sedan chair bearer replied, "Yellow croaker is afraid of stink, so he hurried. What is "xianggong" afraid of? "

And then what? "

Strange execution instructions

Prisoners will be beheaded according to law. When the police tied him up, he unbuttoned his coat and kept patting his chest and asked him what it meant.

Said, "I'm afraid I have a cold." This is not a joke. "

On the way to the escort, the officer suddenly heard the crow crow crow, so he knocked his teeth three times, read the scriptures seven times and asked him what he meant.

Said: "Crows crow, which indicates that there will be a quarrel. The purpose of chanting is to avoid being jealous with others."

Finally, when he was about to have an operation, he begged the executioner: "Please clean the blade with thick paper. It is said that,

If the razor is not clean, the shaved head will get sores; If the decapitation knife is not clean, I will get sores in the future. When will I get better? "

A drunken monkey

Someone bought a monkey, put a coat and hat on it, and taught it to bow, which is very similar. One day, the host held a banquet.

Guests, please ask the monkey to make a bow and salute. Everyone thinks it's cute. A guest rewarded him with wine, and he got as drunk as a fiddler.

He was drunk, took off his coat and hat and rolled off. Everyone laughed: "This monkey looks like a human without drinking. He doesn't know how to drink.

Not like a person. "

Learn to be a good person when you die.

A criminal who was about to go to court heard that there was a fool somewhere, so he called him out 100 silver and said, "This money is all."

Here you are. Buy clothes and delicious food. Your wife and family will be exposed a lot. After a while, the government sent officers to check people, which was annoying.

You let them tie it for me and go home in a few days. "

The fool saw the lights on the table, and quickly promised to get the money back. An elder nearby knew about it and quickly advised, "Hurry up!"

Give him his money back. If you lose your life, what's the use of wanjin? "

The fool said, "it's stupid to get the money back and live that hard life again." The old man sighed and left. Fool's stool

With money, the family size is very happy.

Before long, the official document came and called the fool by name. The officers tied him to the altar and then cut him. The fool cried and said, "Do you regret it?"

Listen to people's advice to get here today! But I also learned it today. This is the only failure! "

Black red and white teeth

There are two prostitutes, one with black teeth and one with white teeth; One tries his best to cover up the black teeth, and the other wants to

Try to show your white teeth.

Someone asked the prostitute with black teeth what her last name was. The prostitute closed her mouth, drummed her cheeks, and murmured in her throat, "Gu." Ask questions

When she was young, she patted her cheek and replied, "15."

Finally I asked her what she had, and she replied in her throat, "I can play drums."

Others asked the white-toothed prostitute what her last name was. The prostitute opened her mouth and replied, "Qin."

Asked how old Fang was, she took another bite and replied, "17." When asked what she would do, she opened her mouth wide and showed her teeth.

Lu said, "You can play the piano."

Boast about one's son

Father and son walk together. An acquaintance of his father had seen him and didn't know his son, so he asked, "Who is this?"

The father replied: "Although this man is the ninth-generation son-in-law of Zhensun, the official minister of the imperial court, he is

My son. "

Give me back my red face.

I went to a friend's house for dinner alone before, and I was half drunk and blushed. Waiting for a friend's family dinner, only wine.

The taste is very weak, and the more you drink it, the less it tastes. Even the wine you used to drink woke up and turned red. After the banquet, he said to his host, "Your wine.

Ok, please give me back my red face! "

Willing to be a son

An old man is haggard and weak, but he gets bored as long as he is old. If he is praised as young, he

I can't stop liking it.

After someone knew it, he deliberately took advantage of him and said, "Although your beard and hair are all white, your face is very delicate, not only comparable.

As fresh as my newborn baby's skin. "

The old man was overjoyed and said, "If the face can be so fresh and tender, I would like to be your son."

From fast to slow

The master didn't invite him to drink, and the teacher was very angry. The students went to the library to study by themselves, and soon they were so angry that they taught poetry: "Spring outing."

Fangcaodi "

The students reluctantly followed the book with tears in their eyes. However, understanding the teacher's heart, he said:

"father"

The teacher asked, "What does Dad do?"

The student replied, "Buy meat."

The teacher slowed down the pace of teaching poetry a little: "Enjoy the green lotus pond in summer." The student still didn't understand, and the teacher asked, "Your father bought it."

What is meat for? "

A: "Please, sir."

The teacher's anger gradually subsided and slowly taught the third sentence: "Drink yellow wine in autumn."

He asked again, "When will you invite me?"

A: "Today."

The teacher was overjoyed and slowly and clearly taught the fourth sentence: "Winter snow poem."

Open the skylight

There is a man who is willing to embezzle money and do things for his relatives and friends. He always takes the lead in asking everyone to chip in to buy wine, but he should pay his share.

Often kept secret, but also enriched the extra money for drinks. Yan hates that her conscience is too dark. Catch him in the underworld and put him in a black prison.

Suffer.

But as soon as the man entered the prison door, he shouted, "This room is too dark. There are several people here. Hurry up and chip in to open a skylight.

So bright and bright. (For the advocates of corruption who gather the strength of many people, the saying goes that it is "opening the skylight". )

At the wedding reception

There is an idiot son who often likes to say discouraging things.

One day, my brother-in-law got married and my father took him to dinner. The son was about to speak when the father said, "His family got married.

Don't say anything frustrating when you are angry. "

The son said, "Don't ask your adult, I know:' Marriage is not a funeral.' "

Ask for a pig's head debt

A man went out on New Year's Day when he met a bird and shit on his hat. He thought it was unlucky. He wanted to sacrifice to the Bodhisattva to eliminate the disaster, so he went.

The butcher owed a pig's head as a sacrifice.

After a while, the butcher saw him and said, "Pig's head has owed money for many days. It's time to pay it back."

The man replied, "I owe it for many days, but I have an example: if this pig doesn't start, you have to ask me for pig money."

Really? "

The butcher said, "Which pig has no head?"

The man said, "since this doesn't make sense, I have another sentence: if I paid back the money last year and you ran away, there would be no pigs."

Did you get the money? "

The butcher said, "You talk nonsense. If you had paid me back last year, you would have saved me other money. "

The debtor bowed his head, thought for a moment and said, "This doesn't make sense. I'll point it out for you. For example, this bird droppings on your head, you. "

I'm sure I'll sacrifice a pig's head to god to eliminate disaster. Pig head, where is the money? "

Wind and rain couple

A teacher likes drinking. He is often drunk. On one occasion, he occasionally said the word "rain" and begged students.

Yes, the students are against the wind.

He added three more words: "flowers and rain."

The student said to him, "drinking is crazy."

Five words were added: "There are bursts of flowers in the garden."

The student said to him, "There is always a wind of drinking (madness) on the table."

The gentleman said, "Yes, yes, but you shouldn't say anything about my husband's shortcomings."

The student said, "If I don't turn over a new leaf, I will be Mr. Wang's husband."

Fart article

A scholar, good at talking, is used to helping people with lawsuits. The county magistrate hated it and said, "Scholars should close their doors and study with peace of mind."

Books, why do you go in and out of the yamen? I think it must be ridiculous for you to write an article. I'll test you when the official question comes up. "He says, just want to topic, suddenly.

If you fart, let him write a composition on the topic of fart.

The scholar immediately offered a respectful word: "The teacher held his golden ass high and farted loudly, like the sound of silk and bamboo."

The sound is so sweet, and the smell of musk orchids is so sweet. I am honored to stand in the spotlight. "

The magistrate said with a smile, "This scholar can't write a serious article, but he does a good fart article. There is a mass of shit in the east street of this county.

Pit, and put him in the cesspit, and smell more musk orchids every day, so as not to disturb him when he is free. "

endless

A man borrowed something from a temple at night and said, "I have more things for generations to give to your temple." The monk happily

It is very polite for him to stay with him.

The next morning, the monk asked what it was. The man pointed to a broken curtain in front of the Bodhisattva and said, "All right, let's put this on."

How can it be possible to use up all the sticks from generation to generation when things are removed to make lanterns? "

Mother of salted eggs

A and B eat salted duck eggs for the first time.

A said in surprise, "The eggs I used to eat were very light. Why is this egg so salty? "

B said, "It's a good thing you asked me this. To tell you the truth, this egg was laid by a salted duck. "

Wedge in to stop hunger

A rich man is very stingy and always gives his servant only half a full meal. One day, I was going out of town, and the servant asked, "What if I am hungry on the way?"

The rich man found a rope and a wooden wedge and said, "You can't say that you are hungry on the road. People will laugh at you. You're hungry, I ... ...

There is a way. Just say' I'm a little hungry' and I'll make you not hungry. "

After going out for a long time, the servant was hungry and spoke as the rich man told him. The rich man quickly took out the rope and tightened the servant's stomach.

Son. Not far away, the servant shouted again. The rich man took out a wooden wedge and stuffed it into the rope. He found a brick and forced it into the wedge.

Knock on the door and say, "You're not hungry!"

After a few steps, the servant shouted more urgently and the rich man flew into a rage. He untied the rope and the wedge fell to the ground.

He said, "You hungry slave, go and find someone else. I have this good man and I don't worry that no one will use him. "

My family has a hard time.

When someone speaks, he is often rude and modest.

One day, he entertained guests. When drinking, the moon rose. The guest said happily, "The moon is really nice tonight!"

The man quickly handed it over and said, "I dare not!" Dare not! This is just a rough month in my family. "