30 jokes that will make you laugh out loud! ! ! ! ! ! !

ABC Joke Network:

Reference: ABC Joke Network:

Jokes

Canteen Chapter:

1. Student: Wow! It turns out that the sand in the cafeteria comes with rice!

2. Notice in the cafeteria: This window mainly sells teachers, and also sells students. Once sold out, teachers and students will be sold until sold out!

3. There is a kind of fried rice in the cafeteria. One day, a student was sweating profusely in the cafeteria and shouted: Boss, please have some fried rice! Everyone is sweating!

4. Give me a steamed bun in the cafeteria as a fulcrum, and I can tilt the earth!

Surface tension

Two biochemists were sitting in front of the laboratory drinking coffee, and a beautiful woman walked by outside.

The more mature and cautious biochemist saw the look of dementia on his colleague's face,

and said: She is just like us, more than 75% is water.

The colleague still looked stupid and said: Yes, but look at their surface tension!

Team coach

This is what my professor told us. He used to teach in the United States. Some of the team’s students had never gone to school, but they had never gone to university.

< p>After graduation, you can enter the professional basketball team and play in the NBA. After retirement, you often return to your alma mater to coach the team.

There is a student (let’s call him Jordan) who is about to graduate, but he can’t pass calculus, so he can’t graduate and play NB

A! So he asked his coach, who was also the coach of the school team, to help intercede.

Coach: "Professor, please let Jordan pass. The NBA has been waiting for him for a long time!"

Professor: "Okay! Since the coaches have come to help and beg for mercy, let's Give you one last chance"

"What is one plus one?"

Jordan immediately answered without thinking: "Two"

Coach: "Professor, Please give him another chance!"

Remember to brush your teeth! !

In a biological experiment one day, I observed my own saliva cells, looked at them with a microscope and recorded them... While everyone was observing and studying happily, there was a scream... Ah~ It turned out to be the message from the beautiful teaching assistant... The professor thought something happened

so he ran over to take a look at her microscope. He told her: next time you finish your work, remember to brush your teeth

and rinse your mouth! !

Sex Education

One day. Xiao Ming returned home after class very sadly.

My mother asked Xiao Ming: What happened?

Xiao Ming replied: Everyone in Xiaohua in the class knows where he comes from. But I don’t even know

My mother thought that it would be a good time to tell Xiao Ming about things between men and women, and to provide correct sex education

My mother began to tell Xiao Ming: Boys fall in love with each other. girl. Then get married... also mentioned how the sperm meets the egg

My mother told Xiao Ming everything she knew.

When the mother completes the teaching to her satisfaction.

Xiao Ming is still confused. Look at mom. With a few tears dripping from the corners of his eyes, he said:

Xiaohua said he was from Yilan. But my mother gave me a lot of advice and I still don’t know where I came from.

In class, a teacher was introducing Japanese surname habits to students.

She said: "If there is a Japanese name with the word 'Taro' in it, then he He must be the eldest son. If there is the word 'Jiro' in his name, then he must be the second son... Now, who can name a Japanese with such a name?"

A student stood up and answered loudly: Yamamoto Isoroku

The teacher was giving a lecture above, when a little boy raised his hand and said: "Teacher, I want shit."< /p>

The teacher listened to the instruction and said to the student: "You can use another more civilized way to say it."

The student thought for a while and said: "Teacher, I want to vomit in my butt."

A student asked the teacher how to write the word "dung". The teacher forgot for a while and had to say:

"It's right next to your mouth, why can't it come out?"

p>

My younger brother, who is in the fourth grade of elementary school, is really fat and everyone often makes fun of him.

One day, the teacher asked a class of their classmates to start writing down "things they do to help the family every day" in the contact book.

The younger brother couldn't think of anything, so in the end he had to let his mother do it for him. fill in. She wrote in the contact book: "I help the family with meals every day."

The teacher's comment was: "I can see that you work hard!"

A man’s thoughts

Miller, a top student majoring in agriculture at a certain university, returned to his hometown during the summer vacation. A neighbor’s wife wanted to raise chickens to get rich, so she came to ask him for advice. According to the wife, Miller

< p>The chicken coop, chicken food and other data provided told her that it would be more suitable to raise about 30 hens and one or two roosters. At the end of the summer vacation, Miller wanted to go see how his "imagination" was implemented. But he was stunned in front of the chicken coop. In addition to 30 hens, there are also 30 big roosters. "Mother, if you want to raise 30 hens, one or two roosters are enough. If there are too many roosters, they won't be able to lay eggs, and it will be a waste of food." "You mean, let one or two roosters suffice?" >

One rooster occupies so many hens?" said the neighbor's wife with a blushing face. "Yes." "This is just what you men think, I won't do it!"

Graduation Ceremony

At the graduation ceremony, the principal announced that the top student in the grade would come to the stage to receive the award. , but after shouting several times in a row, the student slowly walked onto the stage. Later, the teacher asked the student: "What's wrong? Are you sick? Or did you not hear clearly?" The student replied: "No, I was afraid that other students did not hear clearly."< /p>

What is courage...

During the mid-term exam in the philosophy department of a university, they taught an application question about what courage is. A student wrote "This is it" on the exam paper

and handed it in. ． ． The result was an A...

Relativity

One day when Xiao Ming ran into the classroom, he stood up again, and then left the classroom again, which happened to... The teacher turned around

When he saw Xiao Ming’s back...the teacher started to curse... Said... People nowadays are less and less aware of the benefits of reading...

...The teacher continued... Well…he doesn’t take my class…. I pawned him... The teacher asked the monitor: What was the name of the student just now? The monitor said…. He is from the next class... I just went to the wrong classroom...

Joke in the dormitory

I have a classmate who never buys toilet paper himself. Whenever he needs it, he goes to others to get it. Once I saw him taking toilet paper from me. I said to him angrily: Why do you keep taking my toilet paper? Don’t you know how to buy it yourself? Hey

hey Yile, said: Don’t be so stingy! Isn’t it just some toilet paper? I’ll just give it back to you after I use it!

Reaction

One day, Joe walked into the classroom, all his hair standing tall and straight, and the teacher asked what was going on.

Qiao said: This is a reaction from the hairspray.

On the second day, Joe walked into the classroom, his head shining brightly, and the teacher asked about it.

Jo said: This was my dad’s reaction to hairspray.

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Tsinghua Military Training

Recently, Tsinghua University dug holes everywhere because of laying cables.

One day, a classmate from another school came to play. First he saw pits everywhere.

Later he saw rows of students in military uniforms training. He couldn’t help but sigh loudly: Tsinghua’s military training is the real way Yeah, so many trenches were dug.

Globe

The director visited a certain school and saw a globe in the classroom, so he asked Student A: "Tell me why this globe is tilted

Twenty-three and a half degrees?" Student A was very frightened and replied: "I didn't do it." At this time, another student B walked into the classroom. The director asked again, and Student B replied: "You know, I just came in and I don't know anything."

The director asked the teacher puzzledly what was going on. The teacher said apologetically, "You can't blame them. The globe was already like this when you bought it." Seeing that the director's face was getting more and more ugly, the principal quickly stepped forward and explained, "I'm ashamed to say that.

Shame," the principal said with a smile: "Because the school's funds are limited, we bought goods from street vendors."

The teacher asked Xiaoqiang: "Who burned the Yuanmingyuan? ?" Xiaoqiang said aggrievedly: "Teacher, no, it wasn't me.

"

"What? you you you. Call your dad here," the teacher said angrily. After school, Xiaoqiang's dad came, and the teacher said to him: "Today I asked your son who burned Yuan Mingyuan, and he actually said no. He burned it. Isn't this ridiculous? "Xiaoqiang's father blinked and said hesitantly: "Teacher, really..." Not him. Burning, we kids won’t do this.

How about...we...compensate, okay?

Tsinghua’s Masters

Tsinghua deserves to be the home of academic science and technology. The masters of the cafeteria have been influenced by their eyes and ears, and they need to be admired with admiration!

It is said that one day a certain southerner was queuing up to buy Xiaolong Baozi.

He said to the chef: Here are four Baozi. (This is a public number of four, ten or ten.)

Master: How many?

This man: si?

Master: How many are there?

The man was anxious and said, "ten, of course"

The master replied: "I see!" Then he quickly made ten buns for him, and added: "I said no

It's so laborious!"

Everyone was stunned...

p>

As soon as Xiao Ming got home today, he said to his parents: "Today, I was the only one who could answer a question the teacher asked at school."

My parents Yu Yourong asked awkwardly: " "What's the problem?" "The teacher asked: Who didn't hand in the homework?"

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The teacher asked the students: How to explain that sharing pain with others will make you suffer. What about halving'?

Xiao Lun replied: If my father beats me, I will beat my brother immediately!

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Professor: xxx, please shake the guy next to you awake. This is class, not sleeping time

Student: Professor, please Come and shake him up, you made him fall asleep

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At the beginning of every semester, there is always an advertisement for sale of used textbooks on the notice board. One of them read: "'Introduction to Mind Science'. Fifty dollars. Never used." Next to the signature was written: "Must sell."

No. The next day, a note was added to the advertisement: "The price is fair. But have you really never used it?" The signature was "Possible Buyer." Under the confession, in different handwriting, it was written: "I can guarantee it!" The signer was "the professor who reviewed his test paper."

Self-admiration

When I was a freshman, a good-looking roommate liked to look in the mirror and feel sorry for himself. Even when the exam was approaching, he still couldn't bear to put it down

. The room manager was worried about her homework and tried to persuade her, but she sighed and said, "Could it be that beauty is also a mistake?"

"Don't worry," the usually taciturn room manager suddenly said, "You have never I have made this mistake before."

Three school girls were talking about a man who came to school to ask for marriage.

A (junior undergraduate): How tall is he and is he handsome?

B (Master’s student): What kind of job does he do and what is his monthly salary?

C (doctoral candidate): Where is he! ! !

(Purely fictitious, please don’t mind)

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Welcome

At the beginning of the new semester, we senior students went to the station to welcome New classmates.

I saw a little girl standing next to a big box and was at a loss, so I took the initiative to help her lift the box. Unexpectedly, the box weighed more than

1,000 kilograms, and I was too embarrassed to put it down, so I had to try my best to support it.

After walking a few steps, the girl said to me: If you can’t carry it anymore, just get out.

As soon as I heard this, I immediately felt angry, put down the box, and glared at her.

The girl was stunned for a few seconds, then pointed to the bottom of the box with a red face and said to me: I mean the wheels.

Interpretation

A university professor said to his students: "In ancient times, 'Lu' means kissing, mouth to mouth, very vivid;" one of them

The student asked: "If 'LV' means kissing, then how does 'Pin' Yu explain that three people kissed together?"

The professor was about to get angry. , another classmate stood up and said: "I think the word 'pin' is easy to explain, but what about 'qi'yu? What's the point of four people

and a dog?" The whole class burst into laughter, and the professor threw it Go away with the book.

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The boy can be taught

Teacher: "What is your name and why are you making trouble?"

Student: "My name is Wang Xiaodai."

Teacher: "You must be polite when speaking to the teacher, you must use the title 'Sir', you know?"

Student: "Yes, my name is Wang Xiao. Mr. Dumb."

I'll trample you to death...

A well-known botany professor and his teaching assistant were studying new varieties of plants. Suddenly the assistant asked the professor: "Teacher

p>

What should you do if you encounter an unknown plant while taking a practical class in the wild? The professor replied: In order to avoid classmates

asking questions, I usually walk at the front and then trample all the plants I don’t know to death.

One day in the physics and chemistry class, the teacher announced that there would be a quiz in the next class. Xiao Ming nervously raised his hand and asked the teacher if the test would be difficult. The teacher only said: "It's very simple." Everyone clapped and applauded with joy, but

After the exam, everyone did miserably. How could it be easy? So Xiao Ming asked the teacher again,

The teacher said: I am not wrong, it is very simple, the remaining 90% is very difficult!

There is a professor who tells some jokes to cheer up the students every time he teaches in order to prevent them from getting bored

, but

< p>The girls thought that the professors were telling dirty jokes, and they thought it was unacceptable

They felt that professors should have the dignity of professors, so they discussed together

What if the professor next time If you say anything else, stand up and walk out of the classroom immediately

Unfortunately, when the boy found out about it, he ran to tell the professor

who said it didn't matter and I'll settle it. , and then

one time in class, the professor started talking again!! He said: I heard that there is a shortage of prostitutes in Paris recently!! When the girls heard it, they started to throw each other around.

With a wink, they wanted to say that the professor was telling dirty jokes again and were about to

implement their plan. Just as they stood up and were about to walk out

In the classroom, the professor said: Well! These female classmates, don’t be in such a hurry! The flight to Paris will only leave tomorrow!!

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The last question in the final exam of a certain subject (the teacher of this subject is a killer):

After seeing the final exam questions, which song do you want to order? Self: (1) Kitty Chen's heartache (2) Wan Fang

Everything is as good as new (3) Xin Xiaoqi realizes (4) Xin Xiaoqi forgets (5) Youke Li Lin admits his mistake (6) Others

Each question is worth 4 points.

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A foreign female student studying Chinese at a certain university used the idiom "love at first sight" to make a sentence: "It was done last night All the homework,

I couldn't help but cry out when I saw it!" "No, you can't

separate the idioms," the young male teacher corrected. "Today< /p>

I fell in love with you at first sight when I arrived at school in the morning, so I said hello to her." "The words don't convey the meaning

It's still wrong." She looked at the male teacher and said: "I fell in love with you at first sight... .

....""It's right this time! Huh? No,..." The male teacher blushed and said: "The sentence is right, but the object is wrong."

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The teacher who teaches arithmetic asked: "Someone lent 50% of the yuan. The monthly interest

is one cent. How much interest can be collected after two years? ?"

The whole class was busy doing calculations one after another. Only the banker's son sat still.

Why don't you do the calculations?" "For such a low score of one point I'm not interested in the interest." ...

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No problem

The adjustment of departments in a certain university has been successfully completed. Departments, no matter how big or small, are listed as "college".

At the conclusion meeting, the principal made a generous speech: "From now on, there will be no department in our school. ”

The audience burst into applause.

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Teacher: Have you shown the report card to your parents?

Student: Yes.

Teacher: Then why didn’t the parents stamp it?

The student rolled up his sleeves and showed his scarred arms:

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Singular and plural

Teacher: "Nick, do you understand singular and plural?" ”

Nick: “I understand. ”

Teacher: “Tell me, is ‘pants’ singular or plural?” ”

Nick: “The upper part is singular, the lower part is plural.” "

Answer

In the English class, the teacher was talking about the differences between Chinese and Western languages. A student raised his hand and asked: "Teacher,

'dumpling' in English How to say? The teacher looked angry and scolded: "Extremely ignorant!" Renjiaying

Chinese people don’t eat dumplings! "

Hit the question

The teacher wrote "confusing" on the blackboard, and then asked a student: "Please tell me

what does this idiom mean? ? "The student stood up, pushed on his glasses for myopia

, and looked carefully at the four words on the blackboard. After reading for a long time, he still didn't understand. In the end, he had no choice but to Said: "Teacher, I can't see clearly. "The teacher said: "You are right, please sit down." ”

It has not happened yet

A boy visited his girlfriend in the girls’ dormitory, and the doorman of the dormitory asked him to fill in a visitor form

His name must be filled in , gender, address, age, etc. When filling in the last column "relationship", the boy thought for a long time before writing the words "has not happened yet"

A Clever Solution

A middle school principal was faced with a problem when the older female students in the school started putting lipstick on their lips

when they applied it in the bathroom. Leaving lip marks on the mirror. Before the problem got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it, so he called all the girls wearing lipstick and asked them to gather in the bathroom at 2pm. When we went to the bathroom at 2 o'clock, we found the principal and warden already waiting there.

The principal explained to them

This problem made the housemaster have to clean the bathroom mirror every night. He thinks girls don't understand the seriousness of the problem so he wants them to see for themselves how difficult it is to clean the mirror. Then the housemaster began to demonstrate. The warden took out a long-handled brush from the box, took it to the nearest toilet, dipped it in water, then walked to the mirror and started scrubbing it.

No one left their lip marks on the mirror after that.