Joke, senior.

The three ghosts came to God and said with one voice, "I died unjustly and should go to heaven!" " "God:" I only let the most unjust people go to heaven. Tell me how you died first. "

A: "I am a cleaner. One day, I was sweeping the floor on the top of an old building without an anti-theft net and accidentally fell down. I grabbed a sewer pipe, but the sewer pipe was knocked down by some bastard. Because the building is short, I didn't fall to death. As a result, a refrigerator fell on it and crushed me. "

B: "I went to someone else's wife's house to have an affair. As a result, her husband came home and I hid in the refrigerator. As a result, it seems that the refrigerator fell from the window without a security net. I didn't die because of the protection of the refrigerator. As soon as I came out, someone fell from above and killed me. "

C: "When I came home, I saw my wife with another man from my window. When I got home, I was very angry. I knocked down the sewer pipe, threw away the refrigerator and made a scene with my wife. As a result, I accidentally fell from the window and hit my head on someone else's head and died. "

God: "You all died unjustly. Go to heaven."

The secret of the toilet

Country A has developed a water-jet toilet. Once, the emissary of country B came to country A and used their toilet, which made him feel very comfortable. So country B also wants to develop a water-jet toilet and show off to the emissary of country A: We also have a water-jet toilet! But the angel of country A will come the next day, and it's too late to make a toilet. ...

The emissary of country A tried the toilet in country B, but I didn't expect it not only to spray water, but also to wipe my ass with a towel. To understand its structure, the messenger stood up and pressed the button again. I saw two hands stretched out in the toilet with sprinklers and towels. ...

Reasons for arrest

Someone shouted, "The President is an idiot! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! As a result, he was arrested, but the charge was not "insulting the president" but "revealing state secrets"!

original idea

Someone sent a message to a friend saying, "I want to send you a red envelope!" " "He was happy, but later he was unhappy. The next page of the original text message reads: "I sent a mosquito. "

antonym

One day, when the teacher came into the classroom, the students stood up and shouted, "Good morning, teacher!" " "

The teacher said angrily, "Good morning? What shall I do in the afternoon? Not good? "

So the students shouted together: "Good afternoon, teacher!" "

The teacher said angrily, "What about my evening?"

The students shouted together again: "Good evening, teacher!" "

The teacher nodded and said, "That's it. Now shout it again! " "

The students shouted: "Good morning, teacher, good afternoon and good evening!" "

The teacher said, "Sit down! Today we are going to review antonyms. Let's practice like this. When I say something, you say the antonym loudly. Start now. "

Teacher: "The weather is fine today."

Student: "The weather is terrible today."

Teacher: "There is sunshine everywhere."

Student: "There are clouds everywhere."

Teacher: "The road is crowded with people."

Student: "There is no one on the road."

Teacher: "Young."

Student: "Old."

Teacher: "Stand."

Student: "Lie down"

Teacher: "There is a young man standing on the road."

Student: "There is an old man lying on the road."

Teacher: "I found a dollar."

Student: "I lost a dollar."

Teacher: "I found a dollar and gave it to the teacher."

Student: "I stole a teacher and lost a dollar."

Teacher: "No, you can't say that!" " "

Student: "Correct, you should say so!" " "

Teacher: "Wrong."

Student: "Correct."

Teacher: "that won't do, it's illegal!" " "

Student: "This is ok, this is a legal act!" " "

Teacher: "I was wrong."

Student: "We are right."

Teacher: "Listen to the teacher, what the teacher said is right!" " "

Student: "Listen to us, everything the teacher said is wrong!" " "

Teacher: "You are so stupid."

Student: "We are very smart."

Teacher: "Stop!"

Student: "Go on!"

Teacher: "You stop now! Stop it! "

Student: "Go on now! Say it! "

Teacher: "You stupid pigs, I said stop!" " "

Student: "We are all geniuses, we say go on!" " "

Teacher: "You listen to the teacher!" " "

Student: "The teacher listens to us!" " "

Teacher: "all students have to listen to the teacher!" " "

Student: "The teacher should listen to the students!" " "

Teacher: "now you stop practicing!" " "

Student: "Now let's continue to practice!" "

Teacher: "Are you endless?"

Student: "We finish what we started!" "

Teacher: "Then stop! Stupid pig! "

Student: "Then we should continue! Genius! "

..... Then the teacher walked out of the classroom angrily with a book in his arms.

misunderstand

One day, a blind man and a lame man rode out on business. The blind ride a horse, and the lame watch the road. At this time, a deep ditch suddenly appeared on the road. The lame man exclaimed, "ditch, ditch, ditch!" " "As a result, the blind man thought he was singing, so he sang back:" Oh, oh, oh, oh! ""As a result, the blind and the lame fell into the ditch together!

The consequences of not understanding

A prostate doctor met an airplane pilot and had to make gestures because of different languages.

The doctor made a gesture of "1".

The driver made a gesture of "5".

The doctor made a "small" gesture.

The driver made a big gesture.

The doctor made a gesture of "putting down".

The driver made a gesture of "going up".

The doctor came home and said, "There's something wrong with that man! I said that men's prostate is small and drooping. He said that men have five big upward prostates! ! ! "

The driver came home and said, "There is something wrong with that man! I said there are five planes in our airport. The airport is very big, and the plane flies upwards. He said there was only one plane at their airport. The airport is small, the plane flies down! ! ! "

The boss said to his subordinates, "Report (money) in advance."

One day, the devil caught the princess.

Devil: "Just scream ... no one will come to save you ..."

Princess: "Broken throat ... broken throat ..."

No one: "Princess ... I'm coming to save you ..."

Devil: "Say that Cao Cao will be here ..."

Cao *: "Devil .. Why did you call me ..."

Demon: "Wow ... seeing a ghost"

Ghost: "Shit! Was discovered .. "

Shit: "Ghost, can you see me ..."

Devil: "Oh, my God! 」

God: "Who called me? 」

Who: "Nobody called you ..."

Nobody said, "Where am I? Play dumb! 」

Garlic: "Who is pretending to be me? 」

Who: "It's me again? Are you looking for trouble? 」

Trouble: "which one is looking for me?" 」

Which one: "Looking for you? I didn't ... hey, there are so many people here. "

Many people: "I just arrived … who are you?" ? 」

Which one: "I'm not who."

Who: "He's not me."

Princess: "Is everyone here to save me? 」

Everyone said, "I'm not here to save you, I'm here to watch the fun."

Lively: "What do I have to see? 」

God: "It's none of my business. Let's go first. "

Devil: "You answer a question before you go. Why do so many people save the princess? " ? How can I play this demon king? 」

Go down: "You good devil won't do it, what shall I do?" 」

Princess: "If no one hits the devil, I can go."

No one: "If I play the devil, how can I let you go ..."

How come: "I won't let the princess go, I want to watch the excitement."

Lively: "What are you looking at me for? 」

What: "You want to fuck me? Rogue! 」

How dare you: "I didn't? 」

Me: "What does it have to do with me?" 」

Devil: "Shit! I'm going crazy ... "

Shit: "What am I doing? ...」

Madman: "What do you want me to do? 」

You want me to say, "I don't know anything! 」

I don't know anything: "I don't know! 」

I don't know: "I'm coming!" Is someone calling me? 」

Someone said, "I didn't call you! 」

I didn't say, "Who called him? 」

Who: "Wrong ... I didn't ..."

I didn't say, "I haven't wronged you ..."

You: "I dare you."

I dare you: "Who says I dare not! ? 」

Who: "please ... I didn't say anything."

I have nothing: "What do you want me to say? 」

I am nothing: "... you ... aren't you my long-lost brother?" ”」

My long-lost brother: "Kao ... my name is very long ... I will be called ..."

Who: "... I want to leave this troublesome place. "

True or false: "So this is my place ..."

I am nothing &; No: "Don't make any noise. We are talking ... "

Don't argue with Allah: "I'm not talking ..."

I didn't: "I didn't speak! ...」

I am nothing: "-_-"... go ... let's talk outside ... "

Go: "I'm sorry ... (wriggle)"

I have nothing: "It's none of your business ... Go away ..." (Two brothers go out angrily)

It's none of your business: "Whoops ... why did you kick me out ..."

Why: "I don't want to kick you out ... listen ... don't cry."

I didn't say, "Oh ... What does it have to do with me?"

None of my business: "What? Did anyone call me? 」

Someone said, "Who wants to call you ..."

Who: "I really have to go ... T.T." "

Go: "I'm really embarrassed ... *V.V*" ("Who" collapsed)

None of your business: "... aren't you my cousin?" ”」

It's none of my business: "... cousins of the same age (or cousins) ... long time no see ..."

For a long time: "I'm not here ..."

Devil: "Are you finished? 」

Endless: "He doesn't have me."

You: "I don't have him."

I just said, "Who said that? 」

Who: "What do you want me to do? 」

Do you want to fuck me? 」

You: "I won't fuck him."

I said, "Who said I wouldn't? 」

Who: "Wrong! I didn't say ... "

He said, "What should I do? 」

? "You two are shameless! 」

You two: "I want it! I want it! 」

Face: "Who wants me? 」

Who: "I don't want it."

Devil: "Hurry up, or I'll kick people out."

Man: "Kick me out? Looking for k "

K: "Who wants to see me? 」

Who: "aaaaaaa! Don't mention my name, mention me again! 」

He said, "Don't trust me."

Me: "Who wants me? 」

Who: "I finally caught one. Kill it. "

One: "Don't arrest me."

Me: "I've had enough, too. Whoever mentions my name again will never let you go! 」

Who said, "Look at my eighteen dragon palms! 」

Me: "Look at my nine yin bones and claws! 」

Eighteen palms of dragon descending: "What am I to see? 」

Jiuyin Bones Claw: "What am I to see? 」

What's there to see: "Brother, I finally found you! 」

What's there to see? "Brother, let's talk outside."

Devil: "Shit ... this is an engagement meeting ..."

Finally, the devil suffered from schizophrenia.

Boring, surfing the internet, money will be laid off.

Online, online dating, naive mind cheated.

Online dating, devotion, and feelings are dying.

I'm in. I met you. I didn't call before.

Meet, regret, the girl turned into a devil.

Regret, bad luck, emotional investment in vain.

If you don't take a shower in spring sleep, your feet stink everywhere. Bear came at night and lost to Hong Kong Foot.

So at the foot of my bed, eating shit is the healthiest. X-rayed, my ass is covered with sores.

I see people pulling me, my car is broken, I am not handsome, and I will kick anyone who doesn't like it!

Laugh at Daya's 20 latest slips of the tongue.

1. Senior at university, studying educational psychology. Walk into the classroom late ... Glanced at the blackboard. The old professor was angry and asked her to answer the questions on the blackboard. Senior sister hesitated for a long time and said, "[Sexiness and Sex Theory], this is too difficult to talk about." The whole class is nervous.

(note. Professor's original title: [On rationality and sensibility])

2. Listen to your classmates,

Once a girl in her dormitory went to buy sanitary napkins.

Say to the boss: a pack of sanitary napkins.

The boss actually asked: Do you want three delicacies or spicy food?

Then the classmate paused and said, Sam Hsien, I'm afraid I can't stand spicy food. . .

3. One of my classmates has been reviewing the computer level 3 exam. One day, while playing football, another classmate took the ball to the bottom line and only heard him shout: Enter! Get back in the car! (in the middle)

4. When I was in college, I heard a girl order: Master, fry a plate of hot and sour potato shreds, not potatoes!

When I was in college, a teacher gave a lecture and said, "The sexual function of this material is incomparable to that of the old material ... Oh, no, the performance and function ..."

6. I ate slowly, and one day I was hungry in a rice noodle shop.

Finally, I couldn't bear to strike the table and roar. I wanted to say no to rice noodles, so I lifted the table!

The result said, "Boss! ! ! ! I'll eat the table without rice noodles! ! ! ! "

The whole store was silent for 3 seconds, and then burst into laughter under the table ... shame. ...

7. When my parents quarreled, my father said angrily, "I'll go out!"

8. I once went to buy mutton kebabs

Hold out four fingers and say "three kebabs" to the boss.

The boss received "How much?"

I held out three more fingers and said "four" ...

9. Our general manager's surname is Zhou. I was driving as soon as he called. When I get nervous, I say, "Premier Zhou ..."

10. I once booked a hotel for my boss and wanted to ask him if he had free internet service. I couldn't figure out how to say it, so I asked him, "Do you have any special services here?" "

The other party: "What? Special service We are a regular hotel! "

-__-! ! ! !

1 1. Waiting in line in the canteen, I heard a boy next to me say, "Master, a bowl of bullet cauliflower soup!" (Porphyra and egg soup) Haha, I laughed until I sprayed the soup.

12. When cooking at noon, my mother gave me a pot of carrots: "Go, cut the carrots into diced meat!" "

13. A colleague asked me yesterday. How to write festivals? I replied: add a festival section under the grass prefix and remove the grass prefix! All the staff burst into laughter! I haven't reacted yet ~ ~ ~ ~!

14. The physics teacher said, "This is a thick spring. I pushed it from both ends to see if it was thickened (constipation). "

15. Boss, do you have a toilet paper hunger card?

16. Our colleague went on a business trip, so the dealer invited us to dinner. If you want to pee while eating, the dealer said there is a bathroom opposite. If you go, you can tell the door that we are eating across the street, so it's free. In order to save twenty cents, our colleague went straight ahead and confidently said to the toilet administrator, "I'm here for dinner!" " "

17. I'm from the logistics department. After the new year, customers call to ask when the goods will arrive before the festival. Because the holidays these days are too chaotic, I don't know the content of the order, so I ask: What are you?

18. A friend of mine has just watched The Legend of the Condor Heroes, and he is very interested in "fighting the dog against the man" and often plays jokes on others.

One day, as usual, he. Kicked a man and shouted "kick the dog's leg!" " Everyone laughed wildly, and he felt embarrassed, so he kicked again and shouted, "Dog kicks!" " "

19. I went out to work during the holidays in high school.

I want to find a job as a waiter in a restaurant.

I'm nervous because I'm a child, and this is my first job.

Originally I wanted to ask the manager if he needed a job, but I also wanted to say that it would be more subtle to ask him if he needed manpower.

The result said, "Manager, do you need a beater here?"

I almost found a hole to get into.

0. Once I went to the market to buy food for a dinner party, a Korean friend bought lettuce from 2.4 yuan. He gave all the change to the vendor, and he was still short of a dime, so he said to the vendor-

"I gave you all my hair, so I have no hair."

The peddler was speechless, and it took him a long time to answer-

I don't want your hair.

The tenth five-year plan is a joke.

1, the cat was forced by life and sat in the cordate telosma hair salon opened by the fox. One day, the mouse came to the hair salon to ask for the night, and the cat vowed to die. The mouse was furious and said, I was chased to death at the beginning, but now I am a prude when I am delivered to the door.

The doctor asked the patient how he broke his bone. The patient said, I felt sand in my shoes, so I shook my shoes with a telephone pole. A fucking asshole passed by and thought I was electrocuted, so he picked up a stick and gave me two!

3. In biology class, the teacher asked: How can we correctly distinguish the hands and feet of an octopus? Answer: Give it a fart to smell. Is the hand will cover your nose, and the rest is your feet. The whole class fell down.

4, a person always farts at work, and colleagues can't help but say: Can you keep quiet? Then I saw him sitting there trembling. Colleagues asked him what he was doing, and he replied, I am tuned to vibration now!

5. When someone was riding a bike, I heard a passerby shout: Go, Go, Go … I thought, Damn it, I can sing: Ole Ole…… I plunged into the ditch and didn't fall. Passers-by scolded: Shit! Let me tell you something, Gou Gou, do you still ride horses? ! You deserve to fall to death!

6, carp and tortoise to get a marriage certificate. The clerk asked how old the tortoise was, and the tortoise said: 100. The clerk said regretfully, I'm sorry, according to your family rules, you are underage and are not allowed to get married.

7. A couple came to the wishing pool. The husband bent down, made a wish and threw a coin into the well. My wife also wanted to make a wish, but when she bent down, she accidentally fell into the well. The husband was surprised, then smiled and said to himself, "What a fucking spirit!" "

8. A couple are fishing by the river. The lady always quarreled, and after a while the fish took the bait. The lady said, this fish is really poor. The husband said, yes, just shut up.

9. The science teacher asked, "Why is the body cold after death?" No one answered. The teacher asked again, "Nobody knows?" At this time, someone at the back of the classroom said, "That's because it's calm and naturally cold."

10, spiders love ants deeply, but they are rejected when expressing their love. The spider roared, "Why? Why is this? " The ant said timidly, "My mother said that people who surf the Internet all day are not good people!" " "

1 1. Xiaoguang is a diligent student. He worked part-time during the winter vacation to earn tuition. Help the butcher cut meat during the day and go to the hospital for internship at night. One night, an old woman had to undergo surgery because of an emergency, and Xiaoguang pushed her into the operating room. The old woman screamed in panic: "My God! You kill pigs. Where are you going to push me?

12, the male and female toilets in the school are connected. A girl forgot to bring toilet paper to the toilet. When she was embarrassed, toilet paper came from the men's room next door. The girl turned pale and asked loudly, "Who?" . The boy next door replied with a deep and powerful voice: "Lei Feng."

13. When a person wants to throw up for the first time on the plane, the stewardess takes an empty bag, and then takes it when it is almost full, telling him not to throw up. When I came back, I found it everywhere. I asked why, and replied, "I saw it was almost full, and I took another sip, and everyone around me vomited ..."

14, the woman is 8 years old, you have to make up stories to put her to sleep; When she 18, you should make up stories to coax her to sleep with you; At the age of 28, she will make up stories to coax you into sleeping with her; When she is 48, you should make up a story and don't sleep with her.

15. After seeing the Three Kingdoms, the tiger went to catch wild boar. He saw that there were no pigs in the pigsty, so he touched his beard and said, Empty city plan! I turned around and saw a dead pig on the animal trap. I was shocked: danger! I was overjoyed to see you again suddenly: yo-ho, and honey trap? !

Ten classic jokes

When the nurse saw the patient drinking in the ward, she went over and whispered, "Little darling!" " The patient smiled and said, "Little baby."

On the bus, a sister-in-law saw a person who was about to get off the bus drop a pack of cigarettes on the pedal, so she quickly said to that person, Comrade, you dropped your cigarettes! The man is furious: you just castrated!

3. A person was constipated when he went to the toilet, and suddenly he saw a person rushing in, and it was stormy in an instant. "Dude, I really envy you, so fast." "I envy you, I didn't take off my pants."

4. A company recruits, and the English name of the next girl to be interviewed is "spring". The secretary wanted to take the opportunity to show off her English level and shouted, "Hi! That one called' Spring', it's your turn! "

On the bus, the pregnant woman standing said to the strange man sitting next to her: Don't you know I'm pregnant? I saw the man very nervous and said, but the child is not mine!

6. People: Are there military prostitutes in the army? Jun: Yes, there is no military discipline! Min: Really! Do I have to pay? Jun: What money do you need? Our military discipline was handed down from above.

7. Female secretary: "Boss, your wife called, and she said on the phone that she wanted to kiss you." Boss: "Give it to me first, and then give it to me later."

8. Mrs. Wang is pregnant with quadruplets and shows off to her neighbors everywhere, saying that it is not easy to give birth to quadruplets, with an average of 60 thousand births. Mrs. Li was surprised: do you still have time to do housework?

9. Children are thinking about "heredity and environment". Mother interjected: "This question is very simple. Everyone knows that if a child is like a father, it is hereditary. " Like neighbors, that's the environment. "

10, Junichiro Koizumi visited the farm, and the reporter took photos of him and the pig in the pigsty. The next day, I saw a postscript in the newspaper: the third from the left is Comrade Junichiro Koizumi.