Stories about humorous language

Don't use the corridor as a runway, and don't use the competition as judo. Line up like a wild goose and walk gently like a kitten. Cherish the water of life and "live" bit by bit. Go up and down the stairs, and then go right. I'll let you go easily. The grass smiles slightly, please walk around. Advertising slogan An advertisement of a sound company-"Call four times!" An advertisement for a jiaozi store-"Everything!" An advertisement for a lime factory-"Starting from scratch!" A pawnshop advertisement-"Well deserved!" An advertisement for a hat-making company-"Take a man by his hat!" A barber shop advertisement-"Nothing!" Humorous stories and jokes: the son of a rich family went to take an exam. His father gave him a test in advance, and he got good grades. He thought he would be admitted, but his son's name was not on the list. Father hurried to the county magistrate for trial. The magistrate turned to look at the scroll and saw a faint mist on it, but there were no words. As soon as dad got home, he scolded, "Why is your paper so ugly?" My son cried and said, "No one grinds ink for me in the examination room, so I have to dip my pen in water and write on the inkstone." One day, Lincoln was told that a tax official had just died and asked if he could take his place. Lincoln replied, "If the funeral home has no opinion, of course I won't object." Lincoln came from a family of pioneers. During the campaign, he didn't have a car. At every stop, his friends prepared a carriage for farming. He stood in the carriage and delivered a campaign speech: "Someone wrote to ask me how much property I have. I have a wife and a son, both priceless. In addition, we rented an office with a desk, three chairs and a big bookcase in the corner. The books on the shelf are worth reading. I am poor and thin, with a long face, and I won't gain weight. I really have nothing to rely on but you. " Once, Lincoln was shining his shoes when a foreign diplomat came up to him and said, "Mr. President, did you shine your shoes?" "Yes," Lincoln asked in mock surprise. "Do you shine shoes for others?" Once, Lincoln was giving a speech. Suddenly, his assistant handed him a piece of paper with only two words "fool" on it. Lincoln took one look and knew that someone was making trouble. Instead of being angry, he smiled and said to the audience, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have received many notes that I forgot to sign before. But this time I received a' signature' note and nothing else. " No Momo, a rich boy, passed the exam. His father gave him a test in advance and got good grades. He thought he would be admitted, but there was no son's name on the list. Father hurried to the county magistrate for trial. The magistrate turned to look at the scroll and saw a faint mist on it, but there were no words. As soon as dad got home, he scolded, "Why is your paper so ugly?" My son cried and said, "No one grinds ink for me in the examination room, so I have to dip my pen in water and write on the inkstone." There is an old lady chanting Buddha, with several beads in her hand. While chanting Amitabha and Amitabha, she shouted, "Han, Han, there are too many ants in the pot. I hate it. Please burn them with fire for me. " Then read: "Amitabha, Amitabha." Then he shouted, "Han, Han, help me take the ash off the bottom of the pot, and don't use your own dustpan, because if it burns out, you can borrow it from your neighbor's house." Remember, remember. Amitabha, Amitabha has never been a vegetarian monk to visit others. When the master saw that he was a monk, he asked, "Master, do you drink?" The monk smiled and said, "Drink a little wine, but never be a vegetarian." In addition to that idiot, another person complained to the county government: "I lost a hoe tomorrow, go and have a look." The county magistrate asked, "you slave! I lost my hoe tomorrow. Why didn't you report it yesterday? " The beadle beside him couldn't help laughing. The magistrate immediately closed the case and said, "You must have stolen the hoe! What did you steal? " The deacon replied, "I want to get rid of that idiot." The old man is very sad. There was an old man with deep pockets and a full house of children and grandchildren. On the occasion of his centenary birthday, the house was crowded with birthday guests, but the old man was very unhappy. Everyone asked him, "You are so blessed, what are you worried about?" The old man replied, "I'm not worried about anything, but I'm worried that hundreds of thousands of people will come to congratulate me when I celebrate my 200th birthday. How can I remember them one by one? " A man is playing outside the door with his son in his arms. The neighbor jokingly said, "The blood of father and son really comes down in one continuous line. Just look at your son. His face is really the same as mine. " The man holding the child said, "Yes, you and the child are brothers born to a woman. How can your faces be different? " There are two wicked little people with poisonous sores on their backs. Please see a doctor for treatment. After reading one, the doctor looked at the second one, pretended to be scared and said, "His heart is worse, but it can be cured." Your heart is so bad and rotten, how can I cure it? " Sparrows treat a day, sparrows treat birds to drink. It said to the kingfisher, "You are wearing such bright and beautiful clothes, so naturally please sit on the table." He said to the eagle, "although you are big, you have to be wronged to sit at the next table in black and ugly clothes." The eagle replied, "You slave, why are you so snobbish?" ! "The sparrow replied," No one in the world knows that I am a small-minded sparrow. A man asked a beggar, "Why do dogs bite when they see you?" The beggar replied, "If I have a good dress and hat to wear, the animals will respect me." . "The emperor came back from Beijing, dressed as a beggar, boasting that he had seen the emperor. Others asked him, "What clothes does the emperor wear? "A:" Wearing a hat carved from white jade and a robe made of gold. "Q:" How can you bow in a golden robe? " The beggar spat at him and said, "Haha, I really don't understand the world! Now that you are the emperor, who do you bow to? "Afraid of drowning the guests, I went into the store to buy wine to drink. After a glass of wine, the two said the word "Dun" and talked endlessly. Others asked, "I think it's because I drank too much wine." Are you afraid of diarrhea and going to squat down to go to the toilet? The man pointed to the glass and said, "No, I just want a chopping block so that I can climb up and not drown in this thin water." "The owner of the hotel asked someone to write a store. After that, the man scratched a knife on it. The boss asked in surprise, "What do you mean by drawing a sword?" Answer: "I want to kill the steam in the wine with this knife!" " "There is a rule in a hotel: any guest who comes to buy wine and eat wine, as long as the wine is sour, will be punished and tied to a wooden post. One day, a Taoist priest walked into the shop with a big gourd on his back. When he saw a man tied to a wooden post, he asked why. The boss replied, "He cheated me of sour wine, so he was fined." The Taoist priest said, "Please give me a cup to taste." The shopkeeper brought the wine, and the Taoist priest took only one sip and ran away in a hurry. The boss was very happy because he didn't say the wine was sour. He cried, "You forgot the gourd." The Taoist priest ran away and said, "I don't want it. I don't want it. You can keep it as a vinegar sign. " A banner There is a family in Huizhou who has been litigating with others all the year round. They are both resentful and bored. On New Year's Eve, the father and son discussed: "We should all say something auspicious next year, so as to bless the good luck in the coming year and avoid lawsuits." The sons said, "Dad, you say something first." Father said, "Good year." The eldest son replied, "Less bad luck." The younger son also said, "No lawsuit." They asked someone to write a banner with three words (1 1) and put it on the nave, asking their families to recite it in a clear voice from time to time for good luck. Early in the morning, the son-in-law came to pay a New Year call. When he went to the hall and looked up at the banner, the clear voice wrote: "This year is very unlucky, and there are many lawsuits." The father and son were so anxious that they said, "Bad luck, bad luck!" A group of friends were sitting together when someone suddenly farted. I don't know who it is. Everyone suspects someone and blames him. Actually, the man didn't fart, didn't refute, just laughed. They asked, "What's so funny?" Answer: "The one who laughs fart still scolds me with everyone." "Pay off" Every year, a person borrows 6 taels of silver from someone, saying that the interest will be 5 points in January and February and 3 taels at the end of the year. A year later, the borrower asked the creditor to repay 4 yuan's money and exchange it for an IOU of 10, and the creditor agreed. At the end of the second year, according to the calculation of 10 Liang, the interest should be 6 Liang, and the person was unable to repay it, so he asked for another 4 Liang and changed it to 20 Liang IOU, and the creditor agreed. At the end of the third year, at the interest rate of 20 taels, even with the principal and interest of 32 taels, he didn't pay it, so he asked for 8 taels of change and another 40 taels of IOU. The creditor hesitated, and the borrower got angry and said, "You have no conscience! When you borrowed your principal and interest, you didn't count it clearly. All you got was small change. Why are you unhappy? " Yellow croaker is afraid of stink. There is a fishmonger who picks yellow croaker, and his steps are vigorous. A rich man liked his strong feet and hired him to correct them. Who knows that when he left in a sedan chair, the speed was very slow. The rich man asked him strangely why, and the sedan chair bearer replied, "Yellow croaker is afraid of smelly, hurry up." What is "xianggong" afraid of? " The execution tells a prisoner that he will be beheaded according to law. When the police tied him up, he unbuttoned his coat, put his hand on his chest and asked him what he meant. He said, "I'm afraid I have a cold. This is not a joke. " On the way to escort, the officer suddenly heard the crow crow, so he knocked on his teeth three times, read the scriptures seven times and asked him what he meant. He said: "Crows crow, which means there will be a quarrel. The purpose of knocking on the teeth and chanting is to avoid competing with others. " Finally, when he was about to have an operation, he begged the executioner: "Please clean the blade with thick paper. It is said that razors are not clean, and shaving heads will cause sores; If the decapitation knife is not clean, I will get sores in the future. When can I get better? " A drunken monkey Someone bought a monkey, put a coat and hat on it, and taught it to bow down, much like it. One day, the host gave a banquet to invite guests, and the monkey made a bow. Everyone thinks it's cute. A guest offered him wine, and he got as drunk as a fiddler. He took off his coat and hat and rolled off. Everyone laughed: "This monkey looks like a human when he doesn't eat wine, but he doesn't look like a human when he drinks wine." A dying criminal learned that there was a fool somewhere, so he called him out and took out 100 silver and said, "All this money is for you. Go and buy clothes, clothes and food. His wife and family are exposed. " The government will send police officers to check people later, please tie them up for me. In a few days, you will be released. "Fools see the table is brightly lit, hurriedly promised to bring back the money. An elder in the neighborhood knew about it and quickly advised, "Give him back the money quickly. If you lose your life, what's the use of wanjin? "The fool said," It's stupid to get the money back and live that hard life again. " The old man sighed and left. Fools spend money, and the family is very happy. Before long, the official document came and called the fool by name. The officers tied him to the altar and then cut him. The fool cried and said, "I regret not listening to people, even today!" "But I also learned today. Only this time will you suffer! " Hei Chi white teeth have two * * *, one is black and the other is white; One tried to hide his black teeth, and the other tried to show off his white teeth. When someone asked Black Tooth what his last name was, he closed his lips, bulged his cheeks and murmured in his throat, "Gu." Asked how old she was, she patted her cheek and replied, "15." Finally I asked her what she had, and she replied in her throat, "I can play drums." When someone asked Bai Ya what his surname was, he opened his mouth and replied, "Qin." Asked how old Fang was, she took another bite and replied, "17." When asked what she could do, she opened her mouth to show her white teeth and said, "I can play the piano." Kua son's father and son walk together. An acquaintance of his father had seen him and didn't know his son, so he asked, "Who is this?" The father replied, "Although this man is the ninth-generation son-in-law of Zhensun, the official minister, he is my son." Give me a red face. I went to a friend's house for dinner alone before, and I was half drunk and blushed. When I went to the banquet of the Jewish family, I felt that the wine was very weak, and the more I drank it, the less it tasted. Even the wine I drank woke up and my face changed. After the banquet, he said to his host, "Your wine is very good, please give me a red face!" " "I am willing to be a son. An old man is haggard and weak, but he gets bored as long as he is old. If he is praised for his youth, he likes it endlessly. After someone knew it, he deliberately took advantage of him and said, "Although your beard and hair are white, your face is very delicate, not only comparable to that of a child, but also as fresh and tender as the skin of my newborn child." "The old man was overjoyed and said," If his face can be so fresh and tender, I would like to be your son. "From fast to slow, the teacher was annoyed that the master didn't ask him to drink. When the students went to the school auditorium to study, they were soon angry and taught poetry: "Spring outing to the grassland." The students reluctantly followed the book with tears in their eyes. However, after understanding the teacher's mind, he said, "Dad". The teacher asked, "What does Dad do?" The student replied, "Buy meat." The teacher slowed down the pace of teaching poetry a little: "appreciate the green lotus pond in summer." "The students still didn't understand. The teacher asked," Why did your father buy meat? A: "Please, sir." The teacher's anger gradually subsided and he slowly taught the third sentence: "Drink yellow wine in autumn." He asked again, "When will you invite me?" A: "Today." The teacher was overjoyed and slowly and clearly taught the fourth sentence: "Winter snow poem. "Open a skylight, a person happy to rob money, relatives and friends. He always takes the lead in asking everyone to chip in to buy wine, but his share is often kept secret, and he has to pocket the extra wine money. Yan hates that her conscience is too dark. Catch him in the underworld and put him in a black prison to suffer. But as soon as the man entered the prison door, he shouted, "This room is too dark. There are several people here. Hurry up and chip in to open a skylight. It is also bright. " (For the advocates who gather the strength of many people to embezzle, the saying goes that it is "opening the skylight". ) There was a silly son at the wedding banquet who often liked to say discouraging things. One day, my brother-in-law got married and my father took him to dinner. The son was about to speak when the father said, "His family got married, so don't say anything frustrating. "The son said," I don't have to ask your adult, but I know:' Marriage is not a funeral.' "When a person goes out for the New Year to ask for pig's head debt, he meets a bird and shits on his hat. He thinks it is unlucky to sacrifice bodhisattva to eliminate evil, so he gives a pig's head to the butcher as a sacrifice. After a while, the butcher saw him and said, "Pig's head has owed money for many days. It's time to pay it back." The man replied, "I owe it for many days, but I have an example: if this pig doesn't start, will you come to me for pig money?" The butcher said, "Which pig has no head?" The man said, "Since this doesn't make sense, I have one more thing to say: If I paid back the money last year and you used it up, wouldn't you have no pig's head money?" The butcher said, "You talk nonsense. If you had paid me back last year, you would have saved me other money. " The debtor bowed his head, thought for a moment and said, "This doesn't make sense. I'll point it out for you. For example, if this bird droppings is sprinkled on your head, you will definitely sacrifice the pig's head to god to eliminate the disaster. Where is the pig's head money? " A teacher likes drinking. He is often drunk. On one occasion, he occasionally put out the word "rain" and asked the students to be right and the students to be "wind". He added three more words: "flowers and rain." The student said to him, "drinking is crazy." Five words were added: "There are bursts of flowers in the garden." The student said to him, "There is always a wind of drinking (madness) on the table." The gentleman said, "Yes, yes, but you shouldn't say anything about my husband's shortcomings." The student said, "If I don't turn over a new leaf, I will be Mr. Wang's husband." A scholar, good at talking, is used to helping people with lawsuits. The county magistrate hated him and said, "Scholars should close their doors and study with peace of mind. Why do they enter and leave the yamen? It must be absurd to ask you to write an article and wait for the official to test you. " As he spoke, he thought about the topic and suddenly farted, asking him to write a composition on the topic of farting. The scholar immediately offered a respectful speech: "The teacher held high the gold * * * and farted loudly, which sounded like the sound of silk and bamboo and the fragrance of musk orchid. I am honored to be the focus of attention. " The magistrate said with a smile, "This scholar can't write a serious article, but he does a good fart article. There is a cesspit of ten thousand people in the east street of this county. Let him stand by and watch the cesspit every day and smell more musk orchids, so as not to disturb him when he is idle. " An inexhaustible man borrowed from a temple at night and said, "I have things that can't be used for generations to give to your temple." The monk was glad to let him stay and was very polite to him. The next morning, the monk asked what it was. The man pointed to a broken curtain in front of the Bodhisattva and said, "Well, how can it be used for generations?" A and B, the mothers of salted eggs, eat salted duck eggs for the first time. A said in surprise, "The eggs I used to eat were very light. Why is this egg so salty? " B said, "It's a good thing you asked me this. To tell you the truth, this egg was laid by a salted duck. " Wedges stop hunger. A rich man is very stingy and always gives his servant half a full meal. One day, I was going out of town, and the servant asked, "What if I am hungry on the way?" The rich man found a rope and a wooden wedge and said, "You can't say that you are hungry on the road. People will laugh at you. If you are hungry, I have my own way. Just say' your stomach is full' and I will make you not hungry. "After going out for a long time, the servant was hungry, so he spoke according to the rich man's orders. The rich man quickly took out the rope and tightened the servant's stomach. Not far away, the servant shouted again. The rich man took out a wooden wedge and stuffed it into the rope. He found a brick, knocked on the wedge and said, "You are not hungry!" " After a few steps, the servant shouted more urgently and the rich man flew into a rage. He untied the rope and the wedge fell to the ground, saying, "You hungry slave, go and find another one." I have this good man, so I don't worry about anyone. " Someone in my family often speaks rudely. One day, he entertained guests. When drinking, the moon rose. The guest said happily, "The moon is really nice tonight!" The man quickly handed it over and said, "I dare not!" Dare not! This is just a rough month in my family. " Several officials and robbers were drinking and writing poems, and everyone had to tell a person with the same nature as the robber in a poem. One said, "the first time I opened the skylight to collect money." . One person said, "Deception will harm others and make a bad scholar." Another man said, "Four sedan chairs shout." Everyone shouted: "This is the official of the yamen, how can he be like a robber?" The man replied, "Look, nine of the 10 people sitting in a big sedan chair carried by four people are worse than robbers!" " "A fool said," I wish I had 100 mu of land. "The neighbor said," If you have 100 mu of land, I will raise 1000 ducks and eat up the rice in your land. "Two people quarreled and went to the government to argue. When I passed Gong Xue, I saw the red high wall and the gate tower. I thought it was the government, so I got involved. A scholar greeted him. Thinking they were officials, they scrambled to give their reasons. The scholar said with a smile, "One of you will buy fields first, and the other will raise ducks first. I will try this case when I become an official! "Forgetting the Dragon Boat Festival, Teacher Wang didn't receive a holiday gift and asked the students why. The student asked his father and came back and said, "Dad forgot." Mr. Wang said, "I'll go out with you. If it is right, you should fight. " His first couplet reads: "Three outstanding figures in the Han Dynasty: Sean, Han Xin Wei and Chigong. "Students can't get the bottom line, dare not fight, and cry and tell their father. The father said, "This couple made a mistake. Weichi Gong belongs to the Tang Dynasty, not the Han Dynasty. " The student smiled at Mr. Wang and said, "Your father remembers everything thousands of years ago very clearly. How did he forget the Dragon Boat Festival yesterday? "In the Southern Song Dynasty, there was a monk in Suzhou who was drinking and making trouble. State officials ordered his arrest and sent an emissary to escort him to a remote place for punishment. The traffic is inconvenient, and it is resentful to solve the problem. So sticks kept coming, and monks complained. A few days later, after staying in an inn, the monk felt the desire to escape, so he said a good word to Xie Cha, and then took out the broken silver to buy wine. The monk immediately removed the shackles and drank to his heart's content, and soon he was drunk into a pile of mud. At this time, the monk found a razor, shaved Xie Cha's head, put evil clothes on Xie Cha, put shackles on him, and then escaped from the window. The next day, I woke up from work and didn't see the monk. I'm anxious. But when I looked at my prison clothes and the shackles on my collar, my head was bare when I looked in the mirror, and I turned grief into joy. He said to himself, "Haha, I dare you to run away!" " "But after a little meditation, I was shocked again:" Hey! The monk is here, where have I been! " Reference materials for the completion of the operation:

Baidu concluded in some places that humor is also a way of language. One day, the king of Qi tried to recruit Xu, and something went wrong. Let the elephant shake his head first, then let the elephant nod, and finally let the elephant jump into the pool so that he can be a promise. Many people come from all over the world, but elephants are very uncooperative. No one can do it. The king was disappointed. Finally, a beggar came. He said I had an idea. The king said, well, try it. The man walked up to the elephant and said to the elephant, do you know me? The elephant shook his head. He said to the elephant, You are so handsome. The elephant nodded, and his knife stabbed the elephant. The elephant jumped into the pool at once, but the king didn't want the beggar to be a son-in-law, so he said, No, I'll stab you with a knife, and you can jump into the pool. The beggar went up to the elephant again and said, dare you pretend? The elephant shook his head and said to the elephant, now you know me. The elephant nodded and said to the elephant, then you know what to do. The elephant jumped into the pond at once. Modern joke: 1. A dying man made a will to his wife: "When I die, I hope you can marry our neighbor, Mr. Ed." The wife didn't understand, so she explained, "The cow sold to me two years ago can't milk at all. Now I want him to taste cheated!" Dad told the fish that he was often hungry when he was a child. Fish and Fish had tears in their eyes: "Well, Dad, did you come to our house because you didn't have food?" Ancient joke: someone sells cakes, and his voice is hoarse. People asked them the reason and said, "I'm hungry." He asked, "If you are hungry, why don't you eat cake?" Said, "It sucks." (Two people whisper)-(Ming) Master Fu Bai's series "Laughing Forest" once, drunk as a fiddler, passed by the door of Lu's participation in politics and threw up all over the floor. The janitor of Lujia came over and scolded, "How dare you get drunk and spit at my door!" " Yugong raised a pair of drunken eyes, squinted contemptuously at the doorman and said, "It was your door that didn't cover the right place and actually pointed at my mouth!" " The doorman thought the drunken man's speech was very interesting, so he retorted with a smile, "My door has been built for a long time. Was it built in front of your mouth today? " Yu Gong pointed to his mouth and said, "Lao Zi's mouth has existed for several years! -Ming Fu Baizhai's "Ya Xie" A dying man made a will to his wife: "After I die, I hope you can marry our neighbor, Mr. Ed. "The wife was puzzled, so she explained," Two years ago, the cow sold to me couldn't milk at all. Now I want to let him taste cheated! "2. Dad told the fish that he often went hungry when he was a child. Fish and Fish had tears in their eyes: "Well, Dad, did you come to our house because you didn't have food?" "