A joke: Xiaoming's father is poor, Xiaoming has no money and has no job in his twenties. He felt that he was a poor second generation and asked his father, Why am I?

Hehe, the strongest classic joke in history ~ 1, three children chat together and say what is the most poisonous!

Child A: "Mosquitoes are the most poisonous. My brother's hand was bitten by a mosquito, red and itchy. "

Child b: "wasps are the most poisonous." My brother was stung by a wasp and is still swollen and painful. "

Son c thought for a long time and said, "I don't know what stabbed my sister." Her belly is round and big! " "

2、

My wife went out to collect debts and returned empty-handed a few months later.

The husband said angrily, "You are really incompetent!"

The wife said disapprovingly, "although I didn't get the money, the boss's child was taken hostage by me!" " "

The husband was overjoyed and asked, "Where are you?" The wife patted her belly and said, "It's locked inside!"

3、

The deskmate changed the QQ name to "before your father died" and added our class teacher.

So the class teacher's QQ often prompts:

Your father asked to be your friend before he died.

Your father invited you to play in the parking space before he died.

Your father gave you a QQ show before he died.

Your father stole your food before he died.

Your father reported you before he died.

Your father forwarded your Weibo before he died. . .

The fiercest: Your father left you a message before he died.

4. What should I do if I am bitten by mosquitoes in summer?

Of course, we should raise him.

Send him to school.

Buy him a house.

(4) Help him get a wife.

Show him the baby, or what can you do?

After all, it is your blood.

5. The supermarket queues up to pay the money, and MM in front does not apologize for stepping on my foot and retreating.

So I took the biggest box of Durex from the side and put it on her shopping cart when she wasn't looking.

My wife often says that if she wins the lottery one day, she will definitely not give me money, get divorced immediately and move abroad.

She must not know that I have been buying lottery tickets with the same number as her for five years ... see if she can still laugh then!

7. An employee bought a cup with "I want a raise" printed on it. Point these words at the boss at every meeting.

Finally one day, the boss also bought a cup, which said "fuck off"!

8、

Classmate a hit classmate b.

The teacher asked him, "Why did you hit someone?

A replied that C asked him to call.

Hearing this, the teacher was very angry. "Call you play, you play. If you were asked to eat shit, would you eat it? "

After listening, classmate A left angrily without saying anything.

After a while, the teacher called the monitor at once. "Go and see what a classmate did. ...

9、

Learn from me: Is the mayor of Nanjing called Jiangqiao?

I said: no!

The classmate said: Then when I took the train yesterday, I saw a big sign saying-Welcome to Nanjing Yangtze River Bridge!

I am speechless!

10, see the last words. How many can you know?

Eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit,

Have you ever found that you can do nothing but eat shit?

One of the most classic cold jokes

Why don't I have a third aunt?

One day, I suddenly found out,

I have one aunt, two aunts, four aunts, five aunts, and no third aunt.

So I went to ask my dad: Why don't I have a third aunt?

I thought for a moment: Did Third Aunt die when she was young?

My dad said angrily, your third aunt is your mother! !

One of the most classic cold jokes

Tell us next time.

Party A, Party B and Party C travel together,

A has a cold ... everyone sleeps in the same bed at night, and A sleeps in the middle.

In the middle of the night ... A sniffles, and B and C are covered with A crystals.

Let us know next time ... In half an hour,

Attention ... B and C get into the quilt and make sure there is no contact with the outside world. ...

As a result, a fart ...

One of the most classic cold jokes

Think about the teacher.

Teacher: "Students, if you feel stupid, please stand up."

The students looked at each other and dared not stand up.

Only one brave man stood up,

Teacher: "This classmate, do you think you are stupid?"

Student: "no, teacher, I just don't want you to stand alone!" " "

One of the most classic cold jokes

I know the truth.

There was a child who was very close to his master when he was a child. His master is full of bad water.

One day, I taught my child to say, "Son, when you go home and see someone's family, don't say anything else, just say to him," I know the truth! "

I'm sure it will be good for you.

The child learned.

As soon as I came home and saw his mother,

Step forward and say: I know the truth.

His mother turned pale and quickly took out fifty dollars to tell the child: Baby, don't tell your dad, mom gave fifty dollars for flowers. "

Soon I saw his father again, and he said, I know the truth!

Without saying anything, his father took out 200 yuan and put it in the child's hand. He also told the children: Don't tell mom!

The child thinks he is rich now.

Found a way to get rich.

Everyone who saw it said that I knew the truth.

One of the most classic cold jokes

Prove the existence of conditioned reflex

In primary school science class, the teacher told us that knocking on the knee would lead to knee jump.

When I got home, I took a hammer and hit it on my dad's knee. And my dad stood up and kicked me.

It turns out that the teacher is right!

One of the most classic cold jokes

The consequences of the rise

Dayong went home suddenly on a business trip. At the door, he heard a man snoring.

Dayong walked away silently and sent a short message to his wife: "Divorce!"

Then throw away the mobile phone card and fly away. three

Many years later, when they met again in a city, the wife asked, "Why did you leave without saying goodbye?"

Dayong explained the situation at that time, and his wife turned her head and simply said, "That's Rising's little lion."

One of the most classic cold jokes

I dare not kill my husband.

The wife, who has always been known for her strictness, taught her husband a lesson.

Don't cheat your wife like some playboys.

Husband swears:

"I don't have the courage to have that heart; Have courage and no money (money);

With that money, I dare not take that risk.

We can't lose that man, and now we can't lose that eye.

Madam, please rest assured that I dare not kill my husband! "

One of the most classic cold jokes

Ten characteristics of boys who can't find girlfriends.

1 No smoking.

Drink only a small amount of beer.

Can't play poker, mahjong or games.

Can't fight.

The wage income in May was less than 2000.

There are no fancy clothes.

Go straight home from work.

8 Height is less than1.70m..

9 There is a father and a mother, no car and no room.

10 can't dance hip-hop and doesn't look like a handsome guy … how many do you have?

One of the most classic cold jokes

be in a dilemma

Teacher: Xiao Xin, please use "dilemma" to make a sentence.

Xiao Xin: I was in a dilemma during the exam.

Teacher: Are you in a dilemma because you can't answer the question?

Xiao Xin: No, left and right students have different answers, which puts me in a dilemma. . .

One of the most classic cold jokes

Of course I don't have breast milk

A woman came to the maternity ward with her child.

The doctor asked the woman: Does the baby eat breast milk or milk?

Woman: Breastfeeding! Doctor: Then please take off your clothes.

Woman: Ah! ? Why?

Doctor: Please don't be nervous. This is obstetrics and gynecology, and it will never infringe on you. The woman took off her coat with a grain of salt. The doctor touched her chest with his hand, touched it down and rubbed it left and right.

Say to this woman: No wonder the baby is malnourished. You don't have breast milk!

Woman: Nonsense! Of course I don't have breast milk; I am his aunt!

One of the most classic cold jokes

How to handle the whole phone call

One day, I received a strange phone call.

The other end of the phone enthusiastically said: Dude, how have you been recently? I think this is another lie,

So he said, I'm fine. Who are you?

Just say it on the other end of the phone, guess.

Me: It must be a dog's egg, right?

That person will be embarrassed to say: well, yes.

So before he could speak, I went on to say, what's the matter with your divorce from your wife?

He: I haven't made it clear.

One of the most classic cold jokes

Sahara forest

A lumberjack applied for a job,

Foreman: Try the forest ahead and see how many trees you can cut in a minute.

After a minute, the foreman: Wow! 20 trees a minute, amazing! Where did you work before?

Worker: Sahara forest.

Foreman: No, I've only heard of the Sahara Desert!

Worker: Yes, I changed my name later!

One of the most classic cold jokes

How many times have I told you?

One day, the animals smelled an unpleasant smell in front of Guan Gong Temple.

The snake said, "I am too young to fart so smelly." It must be a cow. 」

The cow said, "I eat grass, and I won't fart so smelly." 」

The pig said, "people who fart will blush." 」

Suddenly, Guan Gong rushed out.

Beat the pig away and say, "How many times have I told you? I was born to blush. 」

One of the most classic cold jokes

No one understands the Monkey King.

No one knows why he made a scene in heaven. He fell in love with Guanyin. Just like a naughty child wants his mother's attention.

If she hadn't given the golden hoop stick, the old monk would have been killed by the stick when he recited the mantra.

The golden hoop is tightened inch by inch, and the pain is not the head, but the heart.

He can crush those monsters with one finger and pretend that he can't beat them to get close to her.

Sometimes when the south wind blows, Bajie asks him why he is crying. He says that the fireworks smoked 500 years ago made his eyes hurt.

One of the most classic cold jokes

Who says you can't predict the future?

On the bus,

The boy said to the girl next to him, "Who says you can't predict the future? At least in a few years, I will know the child's last name, and you will be miserable. It is still unknown! "

The girl replied, "but my child must be my child, not yours." . . "

All the people in the car died on the spot. . .

One of the most classic cold jokes

April fool's prank

Early in the morning, female colleague A: "I read you a short message,' I aborted my child, and we parted ways from then on. "

Male colleague b: "send it to me and give it to the whole person, so I don't have to write it myself!" " " ……

Later B: "Did you send it?"

A: "Yes!"

B: "Why didn't it ring?"

……

"Depend! I put my mobile phone on the bedside table and didn't take it! " ……

Say that B's wife is resting at home!

One of the most classic cold jokes

April Fool's Day prank message

I love you very much. Are you still racking your brains to express your affection?

On this Ghost Horse Festival, you might as well change your style and send a spoof message to TA.

April Fool's Day is coming!

April Fool's Day is wonderful because of you. ...

1, the toad wanted to chase the swan, and the swan said disdainfully, if I grew up like you, I would have died long ago.

Toad whispered that the pig was still alive and well.

Hearing this, the pig said indignantly, I was just reading the text message. Who do I want to piss off?

2. Dear friends, Happy April Fool's Day ~

Test you: What should I do if pigs all over the world die overnight? (Type the title of the song)

At least you!

3. If you are embarrassed, please call110;

If you are in poor health, please call120;

If you have a bad temper, please call119;

If you think you are beautiful, please call my mobile phone to discuss in detail. ...

This is a poem by Li Bai.

Please read aloud:

In the bedroom, holding plums and smelling the flowers, I only won the first prize and invited Wen to sleep in the bedroom, which knows spring and green.

5. Urgent reminder: There may be lightning recently.

When you go out, please put your mobile phone on your head, plug in the charger and drag it behind you for lightning protection. Remember!

Tips for free mobile phone calls: When there is an incoming call, press 54sg before the second ring and then press power off, and the call is free at this time.

One of the most classic cold jokes

The origin of the song "Two Tigers"

Once upon a time, there was a tiger country with a brother and sister.

My brother is clairvoyant and my sister is clairvoyant.

My brother always tells his sister what he sees in the distance.

My sister also told my brother what she heard from a distance.

Over time, they have feelings.

However, after all, paper can't contain fire, and their love is known by their father.

For his love, my brother blinded his eyes and my sister cut off her ears. We embarked on a difficult journey together.

Hundreds of years later, a musician cried when he learned about it and wrote a song for them:

Two tigers, two tigers, run fast, run fast, never have eyes, never have ears, it's strange, it's strange.

One of the most classic cold jokes

It's no use. Look at me.

I didn't take the subway today, so my girlfriend and I were squeezed for a while.

A man in the back accosted my girlfriend, and she ignored him. He asked for the phone number again!

Girlfriend continues to ignore.

At this time, I squeezed into my girlfriend's side and dumped the man: it's useless, watch me!

Then I hugged my girlfriend, kissed her deeply in public and said, be my girlfriend.

My girlfriend blushed and said, "Yes."

That man was cheated at that time.

One of the most classic cold jokes

Meet old classmates

I met my college classmate Gui in the supermarket yesterday. I patted him on the shoulder and called him. Agui looked at me for 5 seconds and said, "Ah! Lao Yang! What a coincidence. "

I'm not Lao Yang. Lao Yang belongs to my dormitory, but I'm embarrassed to tell you.

After chatting for a few words, we broke up.

Go home and see graduation photo. Suddenly, I found that he was not Pell, but Du Ziteng.

One of the most classic cold jokes

Who would have thought?

The young woman reported the case: "I put the money in my bra and was stolen by a handsome guy in the crowded subway …" "

The policeman wondered, "You didn't notice such a sensitive place?"

The young woman blushed and replied, "Who would have thought it was money he touched?

One of the most classic cold jokes

So obedient

A couple quarreled in the street, and the girl slapped her boyfriend hard!

In order to save face, the man shouted to the woman, "You can slap me again if you have the ability!" " "

My girlfriend slapped her again without hesitation.

The man paused and said, "Since you are so obedient, I will spare you."

One of the most classic cold jokes

Can't break up

Girlfriend: Can we break up?

Boyfriend: No.

Girlfriend: Why?

Boyfriend: Just like the steamed stuffed bun in this canteen, if you take a bite, will people change it for you?

Girlfriend: But you are not as good as I thought.

Boyfriend: It's like buns in the canteen. You wanted to eat meat buns, but you took them by mistake. You don't want to change it for you after taking a bite. Did you throw it away? Make do with it.

Girlfriend: Oh