Share some life experience

1. Don’t over-suppress desires.

The value of something that has been longed for for a long time will be over-amplified in your heart, eventually causing you to spend a disproportionate price to get it.

For example, travel.

If you really like traveling, then make time to travel no matter what, and don’t hold back until you are “financially free”. The fun of traveling wears off quickly and is not worth a lifetime of effort. I saw some people finally couldn't bear it anymore and gave up their career completely and just walked away. After leaving for a year, I discovered that people can’t live without their career, but I can never go back.

There are many such people living in the inns in Lijiang. They pretend to be poor but fulfilled, but they can't hide their inner anxiety about their confused future. They already know in their hearts that they are wrong, but they do not have the courage to admit and correct their mistakes. Instead, they use false happiness to cover up their mistakes. The result is that more serious mistakes are made, and those who are unlucky become the "Master of Sanhe".

For example, matter.

If young people like something very much and have the ability, then they should bite the bullet and buy it. After you own it, you will find that it is nothing. Don’t be depressed if you find it’s not that good, what you’re buying is mental health. Suppressing material desires will distort the value of life and make it easier to fall into misfortune. When your motivation for doing something is pure, it will be easier to succeed. When the motivation for life is pure, it will be easier to be happy in life.

For example, love.

The typical example is Mano, who once said in If You Are the One that he would rather cry on a BMW than laugh on a bicycle. It must be that material desires have been suppressed too much since childhood, which has infinitely magnified the value of BMW. In fact, a BMW can be bought for more than 300,000 yuan. Now the middle class can afford it, and in the future, most people in China will be able to afford it.

Such people harm others and themselves in this life. Because they have given up on love, they magnify the value of love infinitely. Either you will be unhappy for the rest of your life, or you will catch fire and cheat in your middle age. If someone is willing to marry a pauper like you for the rest of his life and give you half of his wealth for the rest of his life, is that not called love? What she got in exchange was not only love, but hatred, hating him for stealing her "love". Especially after I quickly got tired of riding in BMW and found that BMW was a mess.

No one can explain what love is. Some people stay with their partner for a lifetime, but they don't feel that it is love. Some people spend money to have a romantic night, but they think it is love. In fact, love is as ordinary as breathing, you won’t feel it at all when you get it. But if you voluntarily give up the so-called "love", you will imagine it to be very beautiful and spend your whole life pursuing the fantasy that you reluctantly gave up. It's as futile as chasing your own shadow all your life. In the end, life is ruined, because the so-called "love" of life is only a small part of the content, and the meaning of life is very broad and rich. How stupid to give up an entire forest for non-existent green leaves.

In fact, a BMW does not mean there is no love, and a bicycle does not mean there is love. Therefore, young people should be less calculating and more sincere. The agency's calculations were too clever, and they ruined Qingqing's life.

The principle behind this is called the "willpower compensation mechanism." Willpower is a cost more precious than time. When you have to suppress your true heart, you need to consume willpower. The greater the consumption of willpower, the more compensation is required.

For example, when we were in school, we needed to expend willpower to maintain concentration and quiet for 45 minutes during each class. We could make up for it with a 10-minute break, and the students could still sit still during the second class. But what if it lasts 450 minutes (7.5 hours)? Even if students barely persevere, they may have to take a week off to indulge themselves before they can regain their willpower to attend the next class.

If a person uses willpower to suppress his heart for 5, 10, or 20 years, then it is not difficult to imagine that one day, when he can no longer hold it in, how much indulgence he will need to How much can we regain our willpower? This is how old houses catch fire. This is also the reason why many young people who were very good when they were young suddenly become extremely rebellious after graduating from college.

In addition, in every day and every thing, everyone needs to expend different willpower. Willpower is a subjective energy that is inseparable from emotion.

For example, when one person loves another person, cooking and washing clothes do not consume much willpower, and can even be a kind of happiness, such as the dedication of normal parents to their children.

But if you don’t love or even hate another person, then you will need to expend a huge amount of willpower to force yourself to do the same thing.

When a woman cooks a meal for a man she doesn’t love, she needs a huge amount of compensation to balance her heart. Therefore, ladies have to pay, and this is the price of compensation for her willpower. If a person does not love his partner, he can imagine that in his daily life, other partners cannot feel or even feel the sweet contribution, but he has to expend a huge amount of willpower.

Therefore, the partner must be required to make huge compensation. The partner doesn't actually get more, and it's hard to understand why the other person is so unbalanced. This imbalance will produce frequent conflicts, and the resolution of conflicts requires more willpower and more compensation. Thus, an endless cycle of marital misfortune is formed.

The same is true for work. If a person is engaged in a job that he loves very much, he does not need to consider willpower compensation. Work is recharging and often obtains a "flow experience." But most people may not be so lucky, so they must consider their own willpower compensation mechanism and not over-repress. Otherwise the psychology can easily become distorted.

2. The cornerstone of social interaction is status, not skills.

Many people take social interaction too seriously and specialize in studying so-called "social skills", which is a misguided approach. You have to have a place first before you can socialize.

If a high-ranking person accidentally tells a joke, everyone will feel that it is close to the people; if a crosstalk actor desperately wants to make everyone laugh, people still think he does not have enough jokes. If your boss takes the initiative to pour you a cup of tea, you will be touched; if a waiter does a lot of work for you, you will feel that it is natural. Even among relatives, people of different status are treated differently.

We must note that social interaction is an interactive process. When a person with high status socializes, others will take the initiative to cater to his emotions and topics. The smart ones will also take the initiative to "keep taboos for the respectable". Of course, they can do so with ease. People with low status need to cater to other people's emotions and topics, and their own status is usually ignored, which naturally makes it difficult for them to move forward.

Therefore, the higher a person's social status, the less so-called social skills he needs, and the greater the energy exerted by the same social skills. The lower a person's social status, the more "social skills" he needs. The same social skills will have very limited effects.

For this reason, people are more comfortable being with people of similar status to themselves. There is no need to actively cater to others, nor do you need to be actively catered to by others. Be at ease. Of course, if a person is simple enough, he will be relaxed with everyone, and everyone will be relaxed with him. On the contrary, such people are welcome everywhere and can ignore the so-called class.

In the end, the most important thing for a person is himself. First there is "I", then there is "we".

3. The core of emotional intelligence is emotion, not skills.

Let’s analyze Lu Yu’s interview remarks that were criticized by netizens for having low emotional intelligence.

(1) When interviewing Yue Yunpeng, Yue Yunpeng talked about how he was scolded by customers for three hours when he was a waiter, and then changed careers.

Lu Yu said: Then you should thank him...

(2) When interviewing Hu Ge, Hu Ge mentioned the car accident in which he narrowly escaped death. Assistant Zhang Mian died on the spot, and Hu Ge was severely disfigured.

Lu Yu said: You should be grateful for that car accident...

(3) When interviewing Zhou Xun, Zhou Xun recalled his road to stardom: "Like Tony Leung, Liu Qingyun Ah, Wu Gang, Yan Ni, and Director Er Dongsheng, they are all people I have always wanted to work with, and then suddenly they all appeared in front of me. Can you imagine my joy?"

Lu Yu said: I can’t imagine...

(4) When interviewing Shen Teng, Shen Teng recalled his mother: When I was young, I hated memorizing things that needed to be memorized in liberal arts. My mother stays with me every day, and she memorizes every question, but I still can't. ”

Lu Yu: I am particularly good at memorizing these.

Shen Teng: Right... Just, is there any way...

Lu Yu: No, it’s natural.

Have you noticed any patterns? It’s difficult for Lu Yu to get into the other person’s emotions. She is either in her own state or so rational that she is almost indifferent.

Learning "emotional intelligence" one by one is as futile as trying to master arithmetic by reciting "1+1=2,2+2=4". It is neither possible nor very small. Chances are it will come in handy. You have to master the algorithm. The law of interpersonal relationships is "love".

The essence of emotional intelligence is the ability of "***emotion". If you can achieve "love", you can naturally make humane responses according to different situations. No matter how many emotional intelligence skills you memorize, you can't know the standard answer. What you need to do is not calculation, but "sincerity", feeling the other person's heart, and expressing your true inner "conscience" at the same time. A sincere person does a sincere thing, another sincere person will always understand and appreciate it.

The prerequisite for love is to be able to understand your own "love". There is "my love" first, and then there is "*** love".

Zengzi said: "The Master's way is only loyalty and forgiveness." Confucius' Confucian culture, in the final analysis, consists of two words: "loyalty" and "forgiveness." Loyalty is the center + heart, which means being able to observe and follow one's own heart, which is what Wang Yangming calls "conscience". "Forgiveness" is like a + heart. Treating other people's hearts as the same as one's own is a "forgiveness" that can treat oneself and others, "Don't do to others what you don't want others to do to you." This is of course not easy, Confucius "Seventy "Do what you want without going beyond the rules." To reach this state, everyone needs lifelong sincerity and self-cultivation in order to be able to manage the family, govern the country, and bring peace to the world.

How to improve your "love" ability? There are three ways: one is to learn from children, parents must be able to immerse themselves in the hearts behind their children's joys and sorrows, rather than acting like an educational robot; the other is to learn from knowledge and understand some psychological knowledge; the third is to learn from literary classics, Great literature displays the elusive part deep in the human soul through the amplification of art, allowing readers to have a life experience that is more "real" than reality.

Go and feel those sensitive hearts that you have avoided and ignored. This is certainly not easy because we tend to protect our soft hearts from getting hurt. After protecting it for a long time, we can no longer feel our own heart, so how can we feel other people's?

If your emotional intelligence is indeed low, there is no need to worry. Lu Yu is China's top talk show host, but he also made so many low-level mistakes, let alone ordinary people. People's abilities are comprehensive. No matter how high a real estate agent's emotional intelligence is, Phoenix TV would not be able to hire her to replace Lu Yu.

4. Have common sense in economics and comparative advantages

The core of economics is to study how to achieve the optimal allocation of resources. For example, of course Apple can set up its own factory, and it will probably do better than Foxconn, but it is more cost-effective to entrust Foxconn to manufacture its products. It can focus on more valuable brands and research and development. The same goes for being an individual. It doesn’t mean you have to do it yourself if you can do it better than others. You have to pay attention to the opportunity cost.

For example, the boss may have better driving skills than the driver, but there is no need for the boss to drive instead of the driver. Instead, the boss should sit in the back seat and engage in higher-value decision-making work. Even if you pay a little more for it, the overall value is better.

Should a working woman spend 5 hours cleaning on weekends, or should she spend 250 yuan to hire someone else to clean her house and free up her own time to recharge?

A person is good at both writing and business management. He is better at both than 90% of people. Should he do both? The answer is to do what is relatively optimal for you. For example, if the value of writing is higher than that of management, then it is still writing, and entrusting management to people who may not be as capable as you.

If society’s resource allocation efficiency is optimal, society will be more likely to be wealthy. If people's energy allocation efficiency is optimal, it will be easier for people to achieve success.

A common mistake among ordinary people is that they are unwilling to benefit others, want to do everything themselves, and do not want to do anything for others. As a result, limited energy is allocated to too many areas, resulting in their own value not being maximized. The better people are, the more likely they are to make such mistakes.

5. Education is a lifelong career

Animals only have biological attributes, while humans have three attributes: biological, social, and soul (sorry for using the word soul, although I am an atheist) (but I can’t find a more suitable word to describe the attributes of human spiritual level), the difference between humans and animals is the latter two.

Let’s first talk about the role of education on social attributes. Education has been one of the main means of class division in ancient and modern times, both at home and abroad.

The cognitive changes that education brings to people do not increase linearly. The education time for a PhD is 2.5 times that of an undergraduate, and the level of a PhD is 2.5 times that of an undergraduate? Most likely 250 times.

Many people give up self-education after graduating from college. As everyone knows, this is when education really begins. Because, at this time, you have the ability to choose the education you need, rather than having it imposed. College is only 4 years old. And a person who continues to insist on self-education after working will spend 40 or 60 years learning. How do you compare with others?

Education is even more important to the attributes of the human soul. Education shapes the human soul.

Soul growth is more like the essential attribute of human beings, and the other two seem to serve the soul. In "Journey to the West", it is called "Heart", the most powerful character Sun Wukong is called "Heart Monkey", and Xitian goes to "Lingshan" (Lingtai Fangcun Mountain, also means heart) to obtain scriptures. "Heart" controls the body and identity, and the soul is the person himself. Since the birth of the soul, it has been accompanied by the babbling of children, and its essential attribute is to grow throughout its life.

The content of our education determines our soul. The little Panchen Lama who received Tibetan Buddhist education in a Tibetan temple, the little untouchables who received caste education in the slums of India, the young monks who received Catholic education in the Vatican, the primary school students who received atheism education in China, and the tribal children who grew up naturally in the tropical rainforest, Their thoughts and spirits are very different. Is it because their original souls are different? No, their education is different.

When adults stop self-education, they limit the growth of their souls. Things that go against nature will not lead to happiness. Adults can choose their own education, that is, they can choose the direction of their soul's growth. The soul determines who we are. Our choice of education determines our soul.

Education also enables the soul to enjoy solitude. An uneducated soul is easily bored. When you have no money, you have to work hard and suffer because you have no time for leisure. When you have money, you can stop working and have leisure every day, but because you are suffering from boredom, you squander your money on relieving boredom. Therefore, it is common for rich second generations with free wealth to be sent to prison for pornography, gambling, and drugs.

The essence of being alone is to be accompanied only by your own soul. The reason for feeling bored is that you can't stand your empty soul. A soul that lacks depth is so boring that it can’t even tolerate itself.

So, people who stop educating themselves will not be happy even if they are rich.

Finally, accept the reality that you are not smart enough.

The most valuable wisdom in life is often simple and remains the same for thousands of years. Most of the wisdom in "The Analects" is still applicable today, but how many people in ancient and modern times, both at home and abroad, can fully implement it?

Wang Yangming said: Knowing something but not doing it is not true knowledge. What most of us call "know" is actually just like recognizing these words after reading my answer. Without life experience, especially unforgettable setbacks and pain, it is impossible to truly "know". Knowing and doing are the same thing.

Many people often regret that they were not “smart” enough in the past, suffer because they are not “smart” enough now, and are anxious that they are not “smart” enough in the future. In fact, it is not necessary. One of the manifestations of human wisdom is knowing that human "wisdom" is limited.

Even the sage Confucius, who "was determined to learn at the age of fifteen," could not "follow his heart's desires without exceeding the rules" until he was seventy years old.

When the human soul comes to the earth, it is originally a process of growth in exploration. If you knew every plot of a movie by heart, wouldn't you get bored watching it? If you knew the pitfalls in every level of a game and could easily pass it, wouldn't you feel sick while playing it?

In "A Dream of Red Mansions", also known as "The Story of the Stone", the stone left by Nuwa to mend the sky saw a monk and two immortals passing by, so she begged to take it to the world of mortals. The immortal said: "There are only eight words in the world of 'a fly in the ointment, and good things take a long time'. In the end, it is a dream that everything will be empty. It would be better not to go."

When Shitou heard this, he became even more excited. I can’t go, I beg hard. The immortal said, "You are said to be spiritual, but you are stupid." Forget it, since you are stupid, let me help you. So Shitou went to Wenwenfugui Township for a trip. In the end, as the immortal said, "a fly in the ointment makes all good things come to nothing."

However, before you walk once, a stone is still a stone; after you walk once, will a stone still be a stone?

Each of us is that stupid rock. If you were really smart enough, you shouldn't be reincarnated on earth at all. The purpose of coming to Earth is firstly to see how stupid I am, and secondly I hope to be smarter when I leave.

Throughout the ages, countless people, including your parents and teachers, have made stupid mistakes, and they have left a lot of similar "suggestions". These suggestions, just like the advice given by the immortal to the stone, cannot be understood. It's troublesome to really understand it - it's boring.

Walk around the world and star in "The Story of the Stone". When you get old, wipe away bitter tears and leave to future generations a pile of "papers full of nonsense" that they can't understand.

This is life: there are flaws in the ointment and good things come in vain. It is good to have wisdom or not; it is good to have much wisdom or to have little wisdom. It is a great blessing to be able to come and visit.