Ancient humorous stories and ancient and modern jokes

It is said that once Zhuge Liang, Liu Bei, Sun Quan and Cao Cao were flying together, and they suddenly encountered an emergency and needed to parachute to escape. Only then did I find that there were only three parachute bags left on the plane. Everyone is nervous. At this time, Zhuge Liang shook his feather fan, cleared his throat and said, "Well, the mountain man will jump if he answers a few questions, or jump himself if he can't answer them." Others have no choice but to agree. Zhuge Liang shook the feather fan again and asked Liu Bei, "How many suns are there in the sky?" Liu Bei thought it was very simple. He answered "one" and took an umbrella bag. Zhuge Liang asked Sun Quan again, "How many moons are there in the sky?" Sun Quan replied, "One" and went down with an umbrella bag. Finally, it was Cao Cao's turn. Zhuge Liang asked, "How many stars are there in the sky?" Cao Zheng was puzzled and had to jump into the sea to kill himself/unexpectedly jump into the sea to save his life. Cao Cao secretly rejoiced. The second time, when four people met an emergency by plane, they still discussed it in the old way. Zhuge Liang shook the feather fan again and asked Liu Bei, "Which battle did Zhou Wuwang defeat the crepe king?" Liu Bei thought it was simple, and Zhuge Liang nodded in response to the "Makino War", so Liu Bei took an umbrella bag and went down. Zhuge Liang asked Sun Quan again, "How many people died in that battle?" Sun Quan thought for a moment and said, "About 30,000 to 40,000." Zhuge nodded, and Sun Quan took an umbrella bag and went down. Cao Cao couldn't help laughing and thinking, "Zhuge Liang, I used to be an expert, especially in military affairs, but this time you planted it." Zhuge Liang asked, "What are their names?" Cao Cao almost fainted and had to jump down by himself. No. Cao Cao smiled to himself, "md, Lao tze deadly. What can you do with Zhuge? ! "The third time, the same four people flew, and the plane met with an emergency. Cao Cao thought about it, and Zhuge tried to fool me again, so I jumped myself to avoid being insulted. So I jumped into the air at high speed. I heard Zhuge Liang's laughter from above. "Cao Cao, you are so smart. Haha, there are four parachutes on the plane today!" " Humor story: Once upon a time, there was a little rich man named Liu, who was a famous miser and hated by his relatives and friends. Why? His parents, as well as him and his wife, always invite others to give gifts before their birthdays every year. As long as he invites them, no one will come. But all the meals he entertains guests are cooked in his own garden. Vegetable oil is used for cooking, and oil is rarely used. Anyone who wants to eat lard-fried dishes has to dream about it. On this day, Liu Caizhu came to the home of one of his distant cousins. She told her cousin, "The day after tomorrow is my father's birthday, and I specially invited you to come." Who dares not to invite guests like this? His cousin promised on the spot that he would come to drink birthday wine. On Liu Caizhu's father's birthday, my cousin filled 20 radishes with a vegetable basket, put some eggs in it, and happily entered Liu Caizhu's house. Are these all right? When the rich man Liu Yi saw his cousin come in, he quickly picked up the basket in the other hand. The other person smiled and said, "If you accept the eggs in the basket, you are a greedy person;" If you don't accept it, you just think my gift is too light. " Liu Caizhu didn't expect the other party to come to this hand. It's boring to accept this gift. If you don't accept it, you will become a greedy person. If you don't accept it, you will fall into a too light gift. Now let the other side push themselves into a dilemma. "I'm glad you came to celebrate my old father's birthday today. You shouldn't give me a present. Now I'm at a loss. You'd better take this gift back. ""this is no good! You went to my house and invited me to your house to give gifts, saying that I would look down on my cousin if I didn't give gifts. If I don't give gifts, I am a delicious person and a person who is afraid of spending money. I have to change my mind. You can accept this gift or not. It depends on you. " "Cousin, I invited you to my house to drink my old father's birthday wine. It's true. If you give a gift, it's a joke. I won't joke anymore. To tell the truth, embarrassing others is actually embarrassing yourself. " He bowed deeply to his cousin. Ancient times: 1 Huazi loved to get sick. There was a man named Hanako in Song Li Guoyang. When people are forgetful in middle age, their families ask historians for divination, but historians don't give him divination. Pray to the hopeless witch; See a doctor for treatment, but the doctor won't give treatment. A Confucian scholar in Lu said: "This disease can be cured not by divination, but by prayer and medicine. I tried to change his mind, maybe I can recover. "So, let Hanako sleep in the open air, and the patient will ask for clothes; Let Hanako starve, and the patient will want to eat; Let Hanako live in a dark room, and the patient will ask for sunshine. The Confucian scholar happily said to Hanako's son, "Your father's illness can be cured. But my prescription is confidential and I can't tell anyone. Please leave me alone with the patient for seven days. " The son agreed. As a result, Hanako's forgetfulness for many years was cured at once. The spell doesn't work. A man said that he had mastered the immortal spell. The prince heard the news and sent messengers to learn from him. The man died before he learned it. The prince was very angry with the messenger and planned to kill him. A favorite urged, "Everyone is afraid of death and loves life. The man who claimed to have mastered the immortal spell died first. How can he guarantee that your king will not die? "Yan didn't kill the angel who was sent to learn magic. There was a farmer in Song State. He had little knowledge and was dressed in rags. One spring, he went to work in the East Village, basking in the sun alone and feeling very warm. After returning home, he said to his wife, "The sun is so warm on his back that others may not know it. If you give it to the monarch, you will definitely get a generous reward. "Stealing a Chicken In April, a man steals a chicken from his neighbor every day. Others advised: "This is not what a gentleman should do." He said, "then let me steal less first, then steal one every month and stop stealing next year." "Modern times: During the Republic of China, a dyehouse worker testified in court, and when he raised his hand to take the oath, his hands were as black as ink. When the judge saw it, he shouted, "Take off your gloves first, and then take the oath." He replied, "Please put on your glasses before you speak. "The son who knows duck language asked his father with a collection of poems," Dad, why is it' Spring River Plumbing Duck Prophet'? " Dad scratched his head and said, "Maybe poets know duck language? "A tireless scholar:" You just got out of prison yesterday. Why did you break the law again today? "Prisoner:" I learned rattan crafts in prison, but I didn't learn any handbag weaving, so I had to come to cram school. However, after Hanako became a wise man, he said very angrily, "I used to be forgetful, so I don't know what happened in the world." "Now I suddenly remember the past, decades of survival, gains and losses, sorrows and sorrows, good or bad, get my heart very agitated. Worried about the future survival, gain and loss, sadness and joy, quality will disturb my mind. Can I get that precious forgetfulness disease again, even for a short time? " Yang Bu hit the dog, and Yang Bu went out in a white jacket. It was raining, so he took off his coat and went home dressed only in black. His dog thought it was a stranger and barked. Yang Bu hit the dog when he got angry. Yang Zhu, his younger brother, came out and grabbed his younger brother and said, "Don't fight, don't fight. How can you blame the dog? " If you let the dog's white hair go out and the black hair come back, I'm afraid you won't recognize it at once. "There was a farmer named Sun Sacrifice King in Song State. He had no knowledge and was dressed in rags. One spring, he went to work in the East Village, basking in the sun alone and feeling very warm. After returning home, he said to his wife, "The sun is so warm on his back that others may not know it. If you give it to the monarch, you will definitely get a generous reward. "hello! In ancient times, a rich man invited a guest to a restaurant for dinner. After a while, a guest ate a plate full of walnuts to the end and had to order another plate. He couldn't help asking, "Why do you only eat walnuts? The guest replied, "Eating more can moisten the lungs." The host frowned and said, "You only care about moistening the lungs, but you don't care about my love. "If you have any questions, please ask.