I’ve heard a lot of great truths, but I still feel uncomfortable inside.

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A fat woman came to a meat stall and asked for four pounds of pork worth seventy-two and five cents. "You're too awesome," the salesperson said.

"Just forget it's five pounds!" The fat woman hurriedly explained: "You don't know,

I'm losing weight and have already lost it. I paid seven taels and five cents for four pounds. I want to see how big a piece of meat this is."

The director said to the new guard:

"You have to be careful. Don't let employees smuggle products out of the factory!"

At the end of get off work, the guards carefully checked each employee's wallet, but they were all empty.

One day, the guard couldn't help but curiously asked the factory director

"What exactly does our factory produce?"

The factory director replied: "Leather bags"

There was a car accident on the road ..

Many people gathered around to watch... A certain reporter came late... couldn't squeeze in...

In a hurry... he said loudly...

"I am the father of the injured...please let me pass!"

As expected, the onlookers opened a way...The reporter also took photos of the scene...

Winning the admiration of colleagues...

Another day...another traffic accident happened. Again many people were watching...

The reporter was late to arrive again He couldn't squeeze in... He shouted loudly again...

"I am the son of the injured...please give way..."

As expected, the onlookers again Get out of the way...The reporter went over to take a look...

Oh my god!! The car crushed a turtle!!

The handsome guy said to his dad...

"I like pretty girls...please agree to let us get married!!"

The father looked sad: "I tell you the truth...child...

She is the evil fate planted by your father when he was young.. and he was confused for a moment..

She is your sister.. You can’t marry her..”

After the handsome guy learned about it, he felt depressed all day long...

My mother saw it and was very upset...so she also said to the handsome guy

"Actually... .You are not your father’s biological child."

Mr. Wu had a sore throat... later...said:

"Your tonsils are inflamed...it’s best to have them removed. ”

Six months later, Mr. Wu’s abdomen hurt again... Finally, he said:

“Your cecum is inflamed. It must be removed”

A few months later, Mr. Wu came to see him again and asked:

"You feel so uncomfortable again"

Mr. Wu mustered up the courage and said:

"..I really don’t dare to tell you...this time I have a headache!!"

In a certain class in Chenggong Ridge, I saw only one class soldier who kept She was shaking.

The squad leader saw it and asked loudly: "xxx, what are you doing?"

The squad soldier couldn't help it and had to say: "Report to the squad leader, student xxx is going to school." "One"

After hearing this, the squad leader calmly shouted loudly: "As soon as that guy over there comes over, he's going to fuck you." ”

Male: Will you marry me?

Female: Why are you proposing to me now after we have known each other for so long?

Male: Because I am timid. I'm afraid of death...so...

Female: Then why do you dare to propose to me now?

Male: Because according to statistics...there are more married men than Singles can live longer!!!

The apprentice asked: "How do you differentiate between frogs and toads?"

I replied seriously: "I'm sorry that toads look better."

This article was informed by a friend:

After a couple in my friend’s neighbor had a quarrel, a few hours later suddenly

someone from the mental hospital came to arrest them. amp;uot;Mr.amp;uot;

Mr. said: I am not crazy!

Said: Every madman also says he is not crazy.

So the poor gentleman was arrested

In the end, it was his son who rescued him.

I believe everyone knows who called for the arrest!

~Hmm~This is really a good method. Remember! Remember!

In other words: Cao Pi forced Cao Zhi to write a poem in seven steps

Zhi: Boil beans.... ...., they are born from the same root, and they are inseparable from each other?

Tai Shigong said: This & uot; root & uot; is well written!

Speaking of which During the Battle of Chibi, Cao Cao sent his army south and encountered the allied forces of Sun and Liu in Chibi. Cao Cao had a sister named Cao Zao who was not recorded in history. Cao Cao knew that his sister was very talented in literature, so he sent She went to do the first battle of literature and literature.

Sun Liu sent Zhang Fei, the eldest boss, to confuse the enemy, so Zhang Fei and Cao Zao faced each other across the Yangtze River

When the fight started, Cao Zao first compared one & uot; one & uot;, Zhang Fei compared one & uot; three & uot;; Cao Zao drew a big circle, Zhang Fei

Draw a long amp;uot;a amp;uot;; Cao Zao touched his belly with his hand, but Zhang Fei patted it and left,

leaving Cao Zao there. Bian looked frustrated.

After everyone returned to camp, Cao Cao asked, and Cao Zao said: "I said that the eldest brother alone is invincible, but he said that the three of them worked together and were even better than the eldest brother. ; I said that my eldest brother controlled a large area in the north, but he said that it was difficult to cross the Yangtze River. I said that my eldest brother was full of scriptures, but he said that it was bullshit.

After Zhang Fei returned to the camp, he went to see Liu Bei happily and said, "That girl is trying to compare with me, she said she can do it for an hour at a time, I said I could do it for three hours; she said her hole was very big, and I said mine was not too small; she was surprised and said she would become pregnant, so I said I would pat it quickly.

ㄌㄠ\Run!!!”

An American businessman came to Taiwan to do business, and his boss invited him to travel around and play golf

, a few days later, the boss asked the American businessman: What do you think of Taiwan? The American businessman said: Yes! The beautiful scenery is very good, but there is one thing I don’t understand: Every time he played golf, the club brother would scold him

The boss thought it was strange, so he went to the golf course with him to find out more

The club brother came to help the boss After Mei placed the ball, she turned to the old Mei and said:

Serve!! (Please pronounce it in Taiwanese, the Hakka pronunciation is more expressive)

amp; uot; There is a very special Lazy people don’t want to work all day long and always complain

Work is too tiring, other colleagues are lazy, they do too many things themselves, etc.

One day, a friend introduced He had a very easy job, really very easy,

The job was-cemetery caretaker. He asked doubtfully: Is it really easy? My friend

It was very easy, as long as he stood There, just don’t let anyone rob the tomb.

In the end, he really did it. Two days later... he resigned. His friend asked him: The job

It is very easy! Are you dissatisfied? He said: It’s so unfair. I’m the only one standing over there, and everyone else is lying down. I quit... ..

Once upon a time~ Once upon a time: There was an old father-in-law. He liked to drink flavored soup very much.

As long as he didn’t drink it for a day, he would feel sick all over. So he called him every day

My wife cooked it for him. But one day his wife died and he couldn’t drink the flavored soup either

So he started asking his wife to cook it. But

No matter how good his wife cooks it, he always throws it aside and says:

It doesn’t taste like this. You can make such a terrible soup!

Just now At first, my daughter-in-law was always irritated. She thought that it would be good if she could cook the food.

But as the days passed, she still couldn’t cook it.

And it became worse and worse. Impatient. Finally she had murderous intentions. She wanted to kill her father-in-law. But she didn't know how to start. She thought and thought. Suddenly she found him in the corner. There was a rusty can of pesticide. She

sprayed the pesticide into the flavored soup, and then she mustered up the courage to give it to her father-in-law to drink. Her father-in-law yelled: This is the smell! This is the smell!

This is the smell!

I once saw a joke:

There is a wall at the door of a house. It was messy with graffiti. After asking someone to repaint it, the owner solemnly wrote "No writing allowed here" on the wall. He thought that everything was calm and peaceful since then.

Unexpectedly, when I got up the next day and looked at it, under the five big characters, five more words were added: "Why did you write it first?" The owner felt unwilling for a moment, so he immediately picked up the pen and added five more words: "My house is written by me." One day passed, and the owner came home from get off work.

He almost fainted from anger. There was another line under the fifteen words "I want everyone to write", and two little turtles were drawn at the end of the line.

Soon after, the wall returned to its old appearance...(#$@^amp;*#).

Coincidentally, I encountered something like this:

One day after dinner, I carried the garbage to the telephone pole in the alley and discarded it as usual. But I found that someone posted a sign on the telephone pole saying "No garbage is allowed here". I think it was probably posted by the family who lives next to the telephone pole.

. I had no choice but to go home and ride my motorcycle and find another nearby place to throw away the trash.

After dinner the next day

I picked up the trash and walked to the alley. Only then did I think of the notice I saw yesterday. I was about to turn around when I noticed that the notice read "No paint allowed" on others. . If it becomes "This is the only place to throw garbage," then everyone can just change the name and throw garbage.

The next day, the notice was changed to

"Those who throw garbage here will be struck by lightning." I think it would be too xxx to write such a notice.

When I went out the next morning, the notice had been changed to read:

"Those who throw garbage here will not be hit by thunder"

Yes Aren't you all actively participating in this kind of life insurance?

Two days later, a new notice read:

"Those who throw garbage here

"

The peaceful days only lasted for three days. When I passed by at noon that day, I saw three more words on the notice

"Those who throw garbage here

are here. No."

Dig the handcuffs! Why don't you just pick up two bags of garbage and throw them away when you see it?

Finally, the family resorted to a killer trick. The notice disappeared and replaced it. A piece of red paper said:

『Edict $^amp;*##...(unintelligible)』 There was also a small incense burner underneath, and a pile of paper money was burned next to it.

I don’t understand what kind of cake this is, but it is really good at warding off evil spirits. No one dared to touch it for a week.

When I went home on Monday evening, I saw a bag of garbage next to the telephone pole. I thought there was someone who was not afraid of death. I walked closer and saw that the red paper with the order was covered with paper. A jade photo of the head of state, with the following words on both sides:

"Good weather"

"Guotai and people's peace"

Hong Kong comment: "You will win if you love to work hard"

A true story, "Don't ask me where I come from..."

The department store broadcast: "Mr. Pig Belly, please go to the service desk on the first floor. Someone is looking for you." ....."

After a while, no one came to the service desk, so the broadcast was broadcast again...

Later Then, a man came, and he said angrily and shyly: "I am Zhu Yuepo, are you looking for me?"

It turns out: Zhu Yue Tupi

Is it possible?

Betting is not good as long as it involves money, not only in the human world but also in Tianjie.

Thousands of years ago, whether it was a male dog or a female dog urinating At that time, they all squatted

It wasn't until the Tang Dynasty that things changed...

Everyone has heard of Emperor Taizong of the Tang Dynasty! His old man I raised a pair of dogs. Once, Emperor Taizong of the Tang Dynasty went to Mount Huashan to offer sacrifices to heaven, so he took this pair with him...

In the middle of the sacrifice, the female dog suddenly became anxious. So he ran behind a tree to solve the problem. This was a very disrespectful behavior when worshiping the sky. This angered the Jade Emperor. The Jade Emperor ordered Thunder God to make a thunder.

It was just right. It hit the tree and the tree fell down, crushing the female dog to death. The male dog was very frightened after seeing it...

From then on, every time the male dog urinates under the tree, he will stretch out a With one foot, he pushed hard against the tree

to prevent the tree from falling down on him.............

One day, I followed my boyfriend to listen to music in the living room. Following the beautiful melody, we couldn't help but stand up.

To follow the music, we stepped left, right, left, and right. Just when everything was so beautiful,

I looked at his misty eyes and asked softly, my dear, what are you thinking about?

Just when I was looking forward to him When he gave me a sweet answer, I saw his sexy lips slowly opening:

It's nothing, but it was just that I felt dizzy after turning for a long time.

The fortune teller said to a lady

&uot;Your love star Gaozhao is about to marry a tall and thin man&uot;

&uot;Then&uot;The lady said&uot;What should I do with my short and fat husband&uot;

There is a man in the restaurant

The woman kept staring at a gentleman nearby

The gentleman felt very embarrassed

Decided to ask clearly

He asked politely if they had met there.

&uot;We have never met&uot; she replied&uot;But you look a lot like my third husband&uot;

amp;uot;Have you been married three times?amp;uot;he asked

amp;uot;No..Only married twiceamp;uot;

A husband Jiejie’s wife’s trousers

The saleswoman asked him what her wife’s waist size was

He didn’t know but answered

amp;uot;I don’t know...but my family There was a 23-inch TV

She was standing in front of it...the entire fluorescent screen was covered&uot;

Father:

"You just studied zoology. Do you know why fish only live in water and not on land?"

Son:

"Because there are fish on land. Cat"

A man walked into the credit union and paid the last installment for a crib

"Thank you" the manager said "How is the child doing now"

"Oh!!" The person replied "I'm fine..."

There are two types of women:

The first type: bad women! Like Just like instant noodles------soak for three minutes and you can eat it

Second type: Good woman! Just like oolong tea------soak slowly to get the flavor.

Xiaoying: Dad~ He even helped me weigh my weight when I went to Xiaohua’s house today~

Dad: Then!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is it just the two of you?

Xiaoying: Of course~

Dad: Are you asking him to measure your clothes?

Xiaoying: Me I'm not that stupid!! I put on my clothes first and asked him to measure them

After that, I took off my clothes and asked him to measure them and then I could know my correct weight!!

Top 10 most memorable TV stations of the year

1) Yin Xiangjie held up a bottle of wine and told everyone sadly: "Having half-heartedness is the only way to die." Behind him was a fake man wearing overalls. Men dancing.

2) Two silly girls in work clothes were walking in the factory and talking about a kind of cosmetics: "Big baby, it's good, it's cheap, and it's plentiful. It's just like the box lunches at the entrance of our alley, we use them all the time. "

After a while, a reporter-like person came to join in the fun: "I run outside every day, exposed to the wind and sun, and my appearance is not very good. After using some Dabao, it becomes even better. I'm sorry for this face."

3) Zhang Fengyi and Chen Hong are filming a TV series that reflects the underground party. The plot is as follows: A lucky panic? This Pu Huan Yue waits for a long time? The director is secretly humorous. Yuandao's cattle and weapons are carrying carcasses and holding palms high. "The woman said:

"I can have a good dream at night. Have you ever drank Divorce Oral Liquid? It’s that stupid Chinese medicine that has both therapeutic and tonic properties. ", the man asked: "What to treat?" The woman replied: "You can't eat well, you can't sleep well, especially your kidneys

are weak. The man looked dismissive: "This is also a disease." "The woman said: "Of course it's a disease, can't it be cured?" (There is another paragraph later, but the manufacturer did not pay enough, so the TV station did not show it.) The man held the woman's hand warmly: "Comrade, I have found the party!"

4) The film crew of the National Malnutrition and Weight Loss came to the riverside. The sun was shining brightly on this day. In order to prevent the actors' faces from being shadowed in the backlight , the stage manager holds a white cloth to reflect light.

A silly lady staggered out and kept glaring at everyone: "Do you disgust me?"

5) The senile Hu Huizhong used a The inferior cucumber water body lotion left her face with pits and pits like orange peel. In order to accuse the manufacturer, she ignored her image as a star and bravely stood up and told everyone: "If you want to be like me, just use everything to make yourself dumb."

6) A fat man carrying a towel on his shoulders and holding a cup in his hand was talking to people in the courtyard: "It's not economical to follow the fashion. I used to be a Lao Li, I never wash my mouth, so if my teeth are good, my appetite will be good, and my health will be better

It's great, it tastes delicious. I started brushing my teeth since then, but I'm unlucky. You asked me what brand I use. Toothpaste, you see, the blue sky will not be cured."

7) Cheng Fangyuan performed in a pharmaceutical factory. After a song of "applause," an employed man and woman ran forward to lay flowers. , to ask for warmth, a four or five-year-old girl was held by an adult to express love. She seemed to have some special powers. She sensed that Cheng Fangyuan was sick, so she gave a packet of medicine to her. Passed it over: "Auntie, protect your teeth!"

8) This was an elegant concert. The young female violinist was concentrating on playing the cello, but no one could have imagined that she was bearing a huge pressure. Suffering from illness, people were intoxicated by the sound of music. The female piano player finally received warm applause from the audience. She was so excited that tears filled her eyes. She could no longer hold back and stood up to tell the audience the hardships she had suffered: "This is my first time. On the second day, even my best friend didn’t notice it. The second day, it was all thanks to Gao Jiesi. ”

9) A 12- or 3-year-old girl. The girl imitated Martin Luther King and gave a speech with the title "I Have a Dream". There are no black people in China, and obviously there is no racial discrimination against black people, but there are no home theaters in Chinese homes.

10) With the care of superior leaders and the leadership of party committees at all levels, a certain winery finally researched and produced new products. This research result not only filled the domestic gap, but also made our country the world's No. 1 winery. Two

countries that have mastered this technology have completely changed the pattern of a single variety of wine in our country and thrown the label of China's poor wine theory to the Pacific Ocean. So the manufacturer announced to the world with great excitement: "The Chinese have China's XO!"

Pigs and Cats

The husband has returned Drunk too much and came back late.

When he walked into the house, he felt very uncomfortable when he saw his wife's stern eyes.

He walked gently to the sofa and lowered his head to play with the kitten.

The wife said: "Hey, what's the point of being with that stupid pig?"

The husband immediately replied with a smile: "Dear, this is a cat!"

The wife didn't even look at him and said, "I'm asking the cat, who talked to you?"

Mother and daughter

The mother was very angry with her daughter . "This is what modern young people are like!" she said to her friend.

“I had a boyfriend when I was 16, but I forgot my mother’s 32nd birthday!”

Get out if you can’t carry it

Go home for the holidays! , the classmates gave it to me. There was a boy who helped me carry my luggage.

Although there were balls under the luggage, the luggage was heavy and big.

I saw this boy struggling to carry his luggage, so I said to him: "If you can't carry it, just get out!"

After hearing this, the boy put down his luggage angrily and looked at it. Looking at me,

I was stunned and quickly explained to him: "I mean the wheel!"

Scarlet fever is contagious

A man was beaten:

p>

"Doctor, my son has scarlet fever."

"I understand. I went to see him yesterday, and you happened to be not at home. Just isolate him and avoid contact with his family. "

"Hey, you don't know, he kissed the maid"

"It's too bad that she has to be quarantined too"

"But I did. Kissed her, doctor."

"That would be difficult, you might be infected too.

”

“Yes, but then I kissed my wife again. "

"What?" the doctor shouted, "Then I may also be infected. ”

One slap can’t make a difference

A friend asked Tom: “Why aren’t you married yet?”

Tom replied: “One slap can’t make a difference, I What's the use of being anxious alone?"

Later, Tom finally got married, and his friends asked him how it felt. His neighbor was the first to answer:

"I hear slaps every day. ”

Excessive attentiveness

A certain rich man was holding a concert, and all his friends and acquaintances were present.

The hostess invited a famous tenor The singer sings a ballad.

“I’d love to,” the singer said, “but it’s too late.

I’m afraid your neighbors will say we’re affecting them. of rest. "

"That's better!" the hostess shouted excitedly, "They deserve it. Last night,

Their dog also howled under my window and refused to let us sleep..."

Extramarital affair

"The newlyweds have subsided. . "A complained to B.

"Why don't you have something, like an extramarital affair?" B suggested to A.

"What if my wife knows about it?"

"What age is this? Just tell her directly. "

So A returned home and said to his wife: "Dear,

I think an extramarital affair will make us love each other more. "

"Just give up this stupid idea," said the wife:

"I've already tried it - it doesn't work at all!"

Daughter (First grade) loves to work and has learned to do simple housework. One day when she came home, she was making glutinous rice dumplings alone. There were already more than 20 rice dumplings on the plate. She was about to praise and encourage her. After two sentences, she accidentally rolled the glutinous rice balls in her hands to the floor. She immediately got under the table, picked them up and put them on the plate.

I was shocked: "I don't want the ones that fell on the floor!"

She said calmly: "It doesn't matter, everyone has fallen to the ground."

One day, three people walked to the side and met an immortal. When they saw these three people, they gave each of them a wish, but while making the wish, they had to jump off the cliff. The bottom of the cliff was sea water, so there was no danger

. The first person started to make a wish, and while shouting "moneymoneymoneyamp;uot", he jumped off the cliff. As a result, he was really covered in silver paper. When the second person saw that it really came true, he jumped off the cliff immediately.

Ya, while calling "goldgoldgold", turned out that he was covered in gold just like the first person. When the third person saw that both the first and second people could realize their wishes, he couldn't wait to jump off the cliff immediately. However, when he fell down the cliff, he was caught by a branch and he He shouted OhSHIT! OhSHIT!, so he was covered in shit!

A countryman came to the city for the first time, walked into a department store, and saw an old man in the corridor. The lady walked into a small room. As soon as the light came on and the door closed, the old lady disappeared in the blink of an eye. A few minutes later, the door opened and a beautiful young lady came out.

The countryman widened his eyes and said in amazement: "If I had known this, I should have brought my wife earlier."

"Hey! Look" there is A passerby said to an old man: "When I was passing by just now, your son hit me with this big stone."

"Did his stone hit you?"

"Fortunately not."

"Then you are not talking about my son."

A man was accused of stealing a watch, but there was no evidence. He had no choice but to withdraw from the court, but the criminal still stood in the court.

"You are not guilty, let's go!"

"Forgive me, judge," the man replied: "But...are you saying that I don't have to return the watch?" ”

Most editors are very willing to serve readers. But the editor received a letter that left him at a loss. "Mr. Editor: I read an interesting article last year, at least I think it was published by your company, but I can't remember the name because I lost the excerpt of the article and forgot the title of the article. I can't find the title. If this article is published by your office,

Please send me a replacement copy..."

My wife thinks it is The bill was too expensive, so he reminded her: "Don't forget that when your son had measles, I went to your house eight times to get the rash."

She retorted: "Don't forget, either. My son has spread measles to the whole school."

The gynecologist said to a middle-aged woman who had been infertile for many years and desperately wanted to have a baby: "Don't worry, you will definitely have a baby, even if you don't. If you don’t give birth, your daughter will definitely give birth.”

A man who lost his way in the mountains finally saw a wisp of cooking fire after walking around for three days and nights. He ran over excitedly and saw a ragged man roasting a mouse on the ground.

He threw away his backpack and shouted loudly: "Thank God, I was lost for three days and three nights, and finally met someone."

The man was also shocked. , but said discouragedly: "Friend, slow down and be happy, I have been fascinated for six days and six nights."

My father recalled his childhood: "It was great at that time, catching cicadas in the wild, and arriving at Fishing for shrimps in the stream and sleeping on the grass all day long, it's so nice to be carefree!"

The child opened his eyes wide and listened intently, and suddenly burst into tears.

"What's the matter?" the father asked in surprise.

"I don't want it! Why didn't you take me with you? Wow..." The child continued to cry as he spoke.

Once I was traveling alone on a long-distance bus, and a young girl asked me if she could sit next to me. I couldn't help but feel happy. We soon got into a very good conversation, and she shyly told me that this was her first time traveling alone: ??[My mother told me to sit next to someone I think is reliable. I see you look really like my dad! So I feel relieved. ]