There is an urgent need for ready-made cross talk. Be healthy and humorous. Except Ma Ji's "Bragging". Bounty points can be floated! !

Provide 2:

Adaptation of "The Bodyguard"

B (come on first, read the opening poem): Generals are born to be courageous, and their waists are like wild geese. Fei Dao. The wind blows, the mountains and rivers move, and the lightning flashes and the flags rise high. Student ××× came to the stage and bowed. Today, I will perform a cross talk for you. This cross talk, when two people speak it is called a counterpart, and when one person speaks it is a stand-up...

A (enters the stage, clasping fists): Oh, you have worked hard, you have worked hard!

B: (to A, clasping fists) Hard work!

A: Are you talking about cross talk here today?

B: Yes, let me perform for you.

A: Your cross talk skills are high!

B: Oh, don’t take it seriously, please praise me.

A: I have been watching your cross talk since the past two years!

B: Thank you. Thank you.

A: Oops...you seem to have lost a little weight recently.

B: Really? I really didn't care.

A: You should pay attention to your health. No matter which industry you work in, you must be in good health.

B: That’s right, thank you for your concern.

A: Look at me, how strong I am!

B: Your figure... is just average, just like me, a little thinner.

A: Me? generally? Do you know what I do?

B: I don’t know.

A: I am a martial artist!

B: Martial artist? Ouch...I really can't see it.

A: Huh? You are also a person who hangs out in the world, don’t you know that I am ×××?

B: I don’t know.

A: Maybe, my reputation is not very famous yet. As soon as I mention my sect, you will definitely know it!

B: Are you... Shaolin sect or Wudang sect?

A: None. When you mention my sect, you will feel as if a thunder is exploding in your ears!

B: Huh? So awesome?

A: Of course. My sect is - (serious, clasping fists) Jiangnan Wufangzhai!

B: (laughing) Wait, wait...Wufangzhai? Let me ask, is the "headquarters" of your sect in Jiaxing, Zhejiang?

A: Hey, that’s right. I said yes, you must feel thunderous when mentioning our sect. However, your wording is not quite accurate. A sect in the arena is not called "headquarters" but "general rudder".

B: Where is the "chief rudder"? It’s good that I didn’t say “main store”! Jiaxing Wufangzhai, who doesn’t know about Jiangnan, is a rice dumpling shop!

A: What kind of rice dumpling shop! Listen to the name of our master, he is not the one who makes rice dumplings.

B: Who is your master?

A: My master——(holding fists) The old man’s surname is Hong.

B: Oh, Master Hong.

A: The surname is Hong, the given name is Shangdou Xiasha, which means...

B (stopping A): Stop showing off! Red bean paste! And mung bean soup! It’s just rice dumplings!

A: You hate it! My master, the old man, has taught two apprentices throughout his life, namely my brother and me.

B: Oh, brothers.

A: Yes, according to the seniority of our sect, my name is "Egg Yolk" and my brother's name is "Ham".

B: Well, you are salty rice dumplings.

A: Disgusting! What rice dumplings.

B: Isn’t that right? There is no one who practices martial arts called “egg yolk” or “ham”.

A: We followed the master and learned excellent martial arts.

B: What have you learned?

A: Weapons and fists.

B: What have you learned about weapons?

A: What are swords, spears, swords and halberds, axes and axes, hooks and forks, whips, maces and hammers, cudgels and sticks, and kidnappers and meteors? If you put these eighteen kinds of weapons in front of me, I can make them the same. Give the same thing——

B: Sold?

A: This sentence is mine! What happened next?

B: Yes, I have to pick up the audience even if I don’t. From Zhang Shouchen to Ma Zhiming, they all have this burden, and everyone has listened. What have you learned about boxing and kicking? "Cat scurries, dog dodges, rabbit rolls, eagle rolls"?

A: This is Tianjin Ma Zhiming’s kung fu.

B: What are your real skills?

A: Real skill! Look at it——(Puts palm rest)

B: Is this——?

A: Eighteen Dragon-Subduing Palms!

B: Oh, the skills of Northern Beggar Hong Qigong.

A: Look again - (reach out to snap your fingers)

B: Is this -?

A: Magical power with a snap of your fingers!

B: Don’t ask, Medicine Master Dongxiehuang.

A: And——(extend two fingers)

B: Could it be——?

A: One yang finger!

B: Duan Zhixing, the Southern Emperor, became a monk and became known as Master Yideng.

A: Come again - (make a lie down position)

B: (support A) Okay, okay, okay, I know this is Ouyang Feng's toad skill. . You know quite a lot. After studying so much, how many years will it take to graduate?

A: The system of our sect is like this: when you first get started, you will learn from many teachers and practice basic skills for four years.

B: This is equivalent to an undergraduate degree.

A: Then, you formally become a master and join the master. Generally, you practice for three years first, and then you can become a master. You can also change your master and practice for another three years.

B: Two three years add up to six years.

A: When our brothers had been practicing for a year and a half, our master told us that we should just keep practicing with him, so that we could graduate in five years and save one year.

B: Some of the rice dumpling makers in Wufangzhai are studying for a master's degree and a Ph.D.

A: If you bring up zongzi again, I’ll be in a hurry!

B: Okay, okay...what about your brothers after you leave the army?

A: After leaving the army, you have to go out on your own in the world of martial arts.

B: It doesn’t include assigning work.

A: As soon as our brothers discussed it, we arrived in Nanjing, rented a store room, and put up a sign, "Jiaxing Wufangzhai Nanjing Branch."

B: Is it a branch?

A: Share the helm! Our brothers were originally disciples of a well-known family, and after we left the profession, the master also wrote letters of recommendation to friends in the martial arts world, so within a few days people came to visit us. That day we were practicing in the yard when we suddenly heard someone knocking on the door.

B: Don’t repost the article, it will be over if you knock on the door.

A: As soon as I opened the door, a big man stood at the door and asked, "Excuse me, are there egg yolks and ham from Wufangzhai here?"

B: Coming soon Dragon Boat Festival, the order came.

A: I said, I am the egg yolk, and the ham is inside.

B: Hey, two rice dumplings.

A: The visitor said: "I am from the Longmen Escort Bureau. Boss Tong has invited you two to discuss something. This is the invitation. The car is outside."

B : Wait wait wait! Longmen escort agency? Shopkeeper Tong? Isn't that in Hanzhong, Shaanxi?

A: You don’t know that shopkeeper Tong personally led a team to Nanjing to open a semicolon.

B: Oh, business development.

A: After discussing with my brother, I followed him to Longmen Escort Agency. When we got off the bus, the old shopkeeper was waiting there with many people. He cupped his fists and said, "Two strong men arrived. I didn't come to meet you from afar. I apologize in person."

B: You're so polite!

A: I said: "How dare you? Our brothers came in a hurry and didn't bring you any local specialties."

B: Yes, I should bring some rice dumplings. Come on.

A: Making trouble.

B: (laughing) Isn’t this the only one you have?

A: After entering the gate, there is a wide courtyard with various weapons on both sides.

B: It’s the escort agency.

A: There are five living rooms in the main room. Above is the restaurant. There is a platform in the front, and the stairs are at the back.

B: Oh, there are no stairs in front.

A: The old shopkeeper walked down to the platform and said, "Two heroes, follow me upstairs to drink!" He didn't take the stairs to go upstairs.

B: How to get up there?

A: Well, it does take some effort. After saying this, he stooped so low and did a "dry land pull onions", ugh! Went up.

B: Hey! It's really a big deal.

A: I was so happy.

B: Hey, what are you enjoying?

A: What does this mean?

B: Oh? How do you get up there?

A: Look at me! Show off my skills.

B: Let’s take a look at him.

A: (putting on airs) Oh! Went up.

B: You went up too?

A: My shoes are on.

B: Have you put on your shoes? !

A: I didn’t tie my shoes.

B: Okay, silly boy.

A: I said: "Come here!"

B: What?

A: Move the ladder and give me enough shoes.

B: Hey, no, you have all the skills, why are you still moving the ladder?

A: Where can I practice? How can I practice without wearing shoes? What if there is a nail on top and your feet are pierced by it?

B: Oh, yes, yes, it’s better to be safe.

A: The ladder was brought and set up. I said, "Okay, okay, I won't bother you, just do it yourself. Brother, don't be stunned, get up!" Our brothers all climbed up the ladder. .

B: This saves trouble!

A: Let me take a look at it from above, oh! A big feast, including steamed lamb, steamed bear paws, steamed deer tail, roasted duck, roasted chicken, roasted goose...

B: Okay, okay...don't tell me the name of the dish. .

A: We brothers take it all!

B: Eat!

A: After three rounds of wine and five flavors of food, the old shopkeeper said: "We invite you two warriors for nothing else. Now there are East, South, and West escorts who dare to protect them. Only There are too many bandits in the North Road. I wonder if you two are willing to go?"

B: Oh, I want to ask you brothers if you dare to go.

A: I said: "Old hero, don't be like a thief."

B: Yes!

A: "Destroy our own spirit!"

B: Yes!

A: "Aren't there thieves in the north?"

B: Don't be afraid of him!

A: "Let's go west."

B: Okay, hey, where are we going to the west? !

A: Go around.

B: If there is no way around, you have to go north to meet the thief!

A: Going up to meet the thief?

B: That’s right!

A: Are we going to meet him?

B: Nonsense! What do you do? Aren’t they just for bodyguards?

A: Tell a joke.

B: That’s what I said!

A: The old shopkeeper said: "You two don't have to be humble, please let me escort you downstairs."

B: Oh, look at what martial arts you have.

A: After going downstairs, the old shopkeeper stood up and walked to the edge of the platform. He made a "swallow three copies of water" and went down as light as a fallen leaf. There wasn't even a sound when it landed.

B: This is called Qinggong.

A: At his age, how many years has he been practicing! It makes sense to practice to this point.

B: Ouch yoyo...

A: Okay, okay, not bad.

B: Then how do you get down?

A: Me, I stood up and walked to the edge to look down.

B: What are you looking at?

A: Oh, it’s high enough!

B: That’s right.

A: I will make one...

B: What?

A: Let me do one - oh, no! I'm holding my pee here.

B: Hi...!

A: I’ve put on weight, how do I do this? I said, "Man, take our brother to the bathroom. Where? Ah? Downstairs? You lead the way." Our brother followed the man down the stairs.

B: He hid again.

A: Go to the courtyard and escort me. My brother stretched out his hand and wow! He took down the big gun from the weapon rack.

B: You need to practice shooting.

A: You don’t understand this.

B: Really?

A: This is important.

B: How?

A (holding a fan to set up a gun stand): Seven feet is a spear, eyebrow level is a stick, and a big gun is one foot and eight inches. My brother wants to take a shot at Liuhe Gun.

B: What is Liuhe Gun?

A: Divided into inner three and outer three.

B: Is this the inner triple union?

A: Heart, Qi, and Gut.

B: Outer Sanhe?

A: hands, feet, eyes.

B: Oh?

A: Eyes and heart are combined, energy and strength are combined, steps and moves are combined!

B: OK!

A: My brother was about to stab the Liuhe gun when I said, "Brother, you just have a cold. Be careful not to repeat yourself." After hearing this, my brother nodded: "That makes sense." Putting the gun back to its original position and standing there, I couldn't help but feel angry and expressionless.

B: Nonsense! He didn't practice at all!

A: He didn’t practice, I have to practice.

B: Oh, practice.

A: I’ll go over there, oh! I picked up the single knife (use a fan to set up the knife rest).

B: Oh, I need to practice my sword practice.

A: Put the sword in your left hand and hold the moon in your arms. I will perform the "Night Fighting in All Directions Hidden Sword Style". I was just about to practice my sword here when suddenly a black cloud came over, there was a thunder, "swish--" it started to rain. Ho! I'm so happy.

B: Why are you so happy?

A: This is when I show my ability!

B: Yes?

A: Just look at my knife. It was flying up and down. No one could see the knife but no one. The knife was soaked, and there wasn’t even a drop of rain on me.

B: Good job! Are you practicing swordsmanship in the courtyard?

A: I am taking shelter from the rain in the house.

B: Take shelter from the rain! Where's the knife?

A: Throw it in the yard.

B: I said you can only see the sword but not the person!

A: Shopkeeper Tong said: "Forget it, I don't think you should wait any longer. This rain won't last for a while."

B: Save it again. Practiced.

A: "Then please ask the two escorts in the backyard."

B: Look at what you are escorting.

A: Go to the back and take a look. There are sixteen escort cars.

B: There are quite a few.

A: They all pretend to be so big (with their hands making a shape about one foot in diameter), and yellow——

B: Gold bricks!

A: Big pumpkin.

B: Pumpkin! Hey... don't hire a bodyguard, I can deliver it to you.

A: You give it away?

B: That’s not the case.

A: You don’t understand~~~

B: Why don’t you understand?

A: It looks like a pumpkin, but the inside has been hollowed out and filled with gold and silver treasures to hide people’s eyes and ears - this is called a secret dart.

B: Oh, there are so many details.

A: Let’s go!

B: Okay.

A: Our brothers escorted this escort car across the Yangtze River from Huilong Bridge to Popular Sun, Taishan New Village, Taoyuan, Torch Road, Neighborhood Center, Keyuan Hotel...

B: The one sitting is still one-three-one!

A: When it gets dark, we arrive at the foot of Dragon King Mountain. I told my brother that the terrain here is dangerous and we cannot stay for a long time. Let’s pass through quickly. When we got to the other side of the mountain, we went to Tongfu Inn to stay at Jianjian.

B: Hey, hey, hey... Tongfu Inn? Tongfu Inn is here too?

A: semicolon, semicolon.

B: Semicolon?

A: Didn’t you know? Tongfu Inn has acquired Yuelai Inn and Longmen Inn to become the largest hotel chain group in the world, with branches all over the country. The shopkeeper of this Jiangbei branch is Lu Qinghou, the hero of Guanzhong.

B: Don’t ask, the person in charge is Guo Furong. With her here, it will definitely be safe.

A: Besides, we are betting on the escort car owned by Mr. Tong of the Longmen Escort Bureau. The old shopkeeper gave us a VIP Diamond Platinum Card, which gives us a 40% discount on staying at Tongfu Inn!

B: Save money!

A: My brother nodded yes. So we moved on. Although the mountain road is rugged, fortunately there is a hazy night.

B: I can still see a little bit.

A: Walking until midnight, we passed a yellow sand hill and saw a dense pine forest in front of us. At this time, I heard the sound of "soft-pop!" the sound of an arrow, the sound of a gong, and the crisp sound of a gong, oh!

B: What’s wrong?

A: It turns out there is "thief" (catchy, pronounced "ze").

B: Hi! Don't talk catchy, isn't there a thief?

A: There is a thief!

B: What should I do?

A: Let us brothers run to the front and take a look.

B: Ah.

A: Hoo! Good guy.

B: What do you mean?

A: From the woods, miso miso miso miso! More than 200 minions sprang out.

B: So many people?

A: Each person has a ghost-headed sword, the wings of the swallows are spread out, the lanterns and torches shine like daylight.

B: Look at this formation!

A: Among them was a big black man on horseback, holding a big iron stick in his hand and chanting mountain lyrics.

B: What did you say?

A: "Hey! I opened this mountain and planted this tree. I want to pass by here and leave money to buy the road. If you dare to say no, I will kill you with a stick and not bury them!"

B: How awesome!

A: My brother saw a thief.

B: Yeah!

A: I am so angry that "the majestic tiger's face is filled with anger and resentment, and the majestic phoenix's eyes are narrowed and the brows are furrowed"!

B: Hey, Master Guan is fighting in Changsha.

A: I just heard a "wow..." sound...

B: What's wrong?

A: His pants are wet.

B: Hi! Peed!

A: The little rat thief actually made my brother so angry that his pants got wet!

B: Are you angry? That's scary!

A: "Brother, please step back."

B: Ah!

A: "Wait for my little brother to go and die!"

B: Okay - hey! Is it a lie to die? That's called catching a thief and suffering death!

A: "Here comes someone!"

B: Ah!

A: "Pull my ox!"

B: Pull yours - Hey, no, no, no, no, no, they all ride horses when they go into battle.

A: I’ve never ridden a horse, so I’m afraid it won’t be stable.

B: There is no bull rider!

A: Hey, riding a bull is an antique.

B: Oh, is this still antique?

A: I think back in the Warring States Period, when the Seven Heroes of the Warring States Period, Sun Pang, were competing with each other, Sun Bin would ride an ox.

B: Hi, Sun Bin’s cow is a five-color sacred cow that can soar into the clouds and ride in the fog.

A: Did you see it? Did you see it? Did you see it with your own eyes?

B: ...No.

A: Nonsense, they are all bullshit anyway.

B: Okay, ox, ox, ox, ox.

A: "Pull my ox."

B: Yeah!

A: "Carry my pole!"

B: Okay, no, no, no, that's outrageous, that's outrageous! When people go into battle, they use swords and spears, but how can they use carrying poles?

A: It’s antique.

B: Is this also antique?

A: Have you seen "Water Margin"? "Hit Zhujiazhuang three times", Shi Xiu used the pole.

B: Alas, Shi Xiu’s shoulder pole contains hidden weapons, and there is also a gun inside.

A: They are all the same, bought from the same place.

B: Oh, that’s no problem!

A: They all have guns.

B: Okay, okay.

A: At that time I was riding a pole and holding an ox (arranged with a fan).

B: Well done—no, no, no, that’s outrageous! That's called holding a cow and riding a bull... Hi! I was wrong too. Riding an ox holding a pole.

A: Oh, yes! I raised the pole and shouted: "What a thief, what a thief!"

B: Yes!

A: "I put down my weapon, please spare my life! Wow, ah, ah, ah..."

B: That's awesome - no, no, no, that's it! Stop wowing!

A: What’s wrong?

B: Surrendered before fighting?

A: Who surrendered?

B: You surrendered. Is that what you said, "I will lay down my arms and you will spare my life"? Is that true?

A: What’s wrong? What's wrong?

B: What’s wrong? It’s the other way around!

A: It’s the other way around?

B: That’s not the case!

A: On the contrary, I am giving him a step up. If you are the sensible one, wouldn’t it be over if you let me pass?

B: No such thing! What do they do? It’s the one who robbed Dao’er!

A: Hey, don’t tell me, I met this thief, he is a cruel thief.

B: How fresh!

A: Don’t listen to me.

B: That’s right.

A: He picked up the big iron rod and hit it on my head, "Whoo--" and hit it down all of a sudden.

B: Hide quickly!

A: How can we hide?

B: What should we do?

A: Let me move the pole horizontally and do a "Li Tuo Qian Jin Zha" (holding a fan to set up a frame). When the iron rod is met, a "click" sound is heard.

B: Did the iron rod fly?

A: The pole is broken.

B: Okay - folded? !

A: It doesn’t matter if it’s broken.

B: What should I do?

A: I just took out the flower gun (putting it up with a fan).

B: Oh, yes! There is a gun.

A: I turned around and gave him a "backward shot" (putting up a fan).

B: How beautiful—no, no, that’s called “returning the gun.”

A: I am riding an ox.

B: Hi, I forgot about this, okay.

A: This thief is really fast, wow! He grabbed the gun head.

B: Ouch, take it from him!

A: The thief said: "Bring it here!"

B: Catch it!

A: I said: "No, why don't I give it to you."

B: Are you giving up?

A: I can’t win against him even if I’m not strong enough.

B: Look at this terrible energy.

A: Without weapons, I am empty-handed.

B: Then urge the cow to run!

A: This cow is also immoral.

B: What do you mean?

A: Not only did the little boy not run away at this moment, he moved towards the thief.

B: Ha, this cow also eats inside and out.

A: It’s over, it’s over, it’s broken, it’s broken, my life is over!

B: Wait for death.

A: Holding my head, hahaha, I am happy again.

B: Why are you happy again?

A: There are two swords on his back.

B: What’s the use?

A: Now I’m not afraid of him.

B: What’s wrong?

A: All my effort is devoted to the sword.

B: Yes?

A: As soon as I touched the handle of the knife, swish! Both knives were drawn out! (Take two fans to set up a knife rest)

B: Use it this time!

A: The knife in the left hand knocked open the thief's iron rod, and the knife in the right hand made a "fishing for the moon", and there was a "clicking sound", red light splashed, blood flowed, and Dou Da's head fell to the ground. Chilling!

B: Did you kill the thief?

A: I killed the cow.

B: Don’t get scolded!

The stand-up guy recommends "A Salesman" to you

Video:

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Text:

Comrade, where is your person in charge? No, I'm negotiating some business with him. No, you don't know. I can tell you guys.

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Don’t applaud, the smoke is gone. No worries, this house is quite beautiful, but it’s a bit damp.

You say it's not wet, you say it's not wet, why is there water on my forehead? You said this lighter, they don’t care about quality. The flames are so bright that I can't light a cigarette! Comrades, we still have measures to take. We are currently preparing to produce WC series products. What is a series of products? I can't figure it out either. Anyway, this is a fashionable word. We are just like matches, producing sets after sets. Some are calligraphy, some are landscapes, and some are figures. The designs are very clever, the printing is very exquisite, and they are lifelike. This is attractive to collectors. What's going on? If you want to collect my set of patterns, which is the set of Eight Immortals Crossing the Sea, you should buy at least eight boxes of cigarettes from me; buy twelve boxes of Jin Ling Twelve Hairpins; buy thirty-six boxes of Thirty-six Scenarios; one hundred and eight A single general will buy me 108 boxes; five hundred Arhats will buy me 500 boxes; I still have a million-strong army going to the south of the Yangtze River!

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"I said, you can sell it outside, sell it outside!" (Audience)

"There is a guy who buys Universe cigarettes and I have a canteen there."