English jokes. (urgently needed)

(This guarantees the punchline in Chinese class. It was originally a

One of the Pink Panther movies).

A man walked into a shop and saw a lovely puppy. he asked

Shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"

The shopkeeper said, "No, my dog doesn't bite."

The man tried to pet the dog and the dog bit him.

"ouch!" He said, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" "

The shopkeeper replied, "that's not my dog!" "

Submitted by Rick Bell

________________________________________

There are three restaurants in the same block. One day, one of them put

Put up a sign that says "the best restaurant in this city"

The next day, the biggest restaurant in this block put up a bigger sign.

It says "the best restaurant in the world"

On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign that read

"The best restaurant in this block."

Submitted by Jim Johnson

________________________________________

A truck driver was driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his truck broke down.

On the highway. The driver came out of the cab and watched.

When the second truck driver stopped in front of him, he asked him if

Need help. The penguin driver explained that he was taking the penguin with him.

Go to the zoo and ask another person if he wants to.

Take penguins there. He agreed.

A few hours later, the second truck driver passed the first driver.

Still waiting on the highway. Penguins are still in the truck, and

Looks happy.

"I think I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," cried the penguin.

First driver.

The second replied, "I saved it, but I still have some money left, so we are going to."

Now the cinema. "

(For now/just for fun)

Submitted by Jeremy Hukwei

________________________________________

One day, a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of …

During the test, the professor asked all the students to put down their pencils.

Hand in their papers at once. The young man kept writing fierce words,

Although he was warned that if he didn't stop immediately, he would

Disqualification. He ignored the warning and completed the test of 10.

A few minutes later, he went to hand in the test paper to his teacher. coach

Tell him that he won't take the exam.

The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"

The professor said, "No, I don't care."

The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?"

The professor refused again. So the student went to the pile of papers,

Put his in the middle, and then throw the newspaper into the air.

"Good" students said, and went out. He passed.

Submitted by Mary Cobb's neighbor

________________________________________

A woman got on a bus with a baby in her arms.

The bus driver said, "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen."

The woman angrily threw her ticket into the ballot box and walked into the aisle.

A seat near the back of the bus.

The man sitting next to her felt that she was very excited and asked her what was wrong.

Is wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she said angrily.

The man said sympathetically, "Why, he is a civil servant and shouldn't."

say

Insulting passengers. "

"You're right," she said. "I think I will go back there and give him one.

My thoughts. "

"That's a good idea," said the man. "Come on, let me hug your monkey."

Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)

________________________________________

One morning, James was walking on the road when he met his friend Danny.

"Good morning, Danny. Um ... Danny, you have gloves on one hand and none.

On the other hand. Do you know that?/You know what? "

"Yes, I listened to the weather forecast this morning, you know."

"Weather forecast?"

"Yes, the weather forecast. Forecasters say that on the one hand, it may

The weather is fine, but on the other hand, it may rain. "

(Guangdong students have a problem with "on the other hand" because there.

It is a similar expression in Cantonese, meaning "another". This joke

Helps highlight the implied contrast. )

Submitted by Dick Tibbetts of Macau.

________________________________________

This is good when I am over 200a a.

A man keeps a parrot that can talk already. It belongs to a sailor.

Have a large vocabulary. However, the man soon found the parrot.

Mostly knowing bad words. At first he thought it was interesting, but later.

Become boring, and finally, when men have important guests.

Bird's dirty words embarrassed him.

As soon as the guest left, the man shouted angrily at the parrot, "That!"

Language must stop! "But the bird answered him with curses. He shook it.

The bird shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" " It's that bird again

Curse him.

Now this man is really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw it into the trash can.

Refrigerator. But it didn't work. From the inside of the refrigerator

The parrot is still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, again.

The bird talks with dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened it.

The refrigerator door, throw the bird in and close the door.

This time it was silence. Two minutes later, the man opened the door.

Took the very cold parrot. The trembling parrot came slowly.

A man's arm, sitting on his shoulder, talking into his ear, sounds very

Panic:

"I'll be good, I promise ... those chickens inside ... what did they say?"

Submitted by Peggy Datz

________________________________________

I think this joke is very interesting, so far, all my intermediate to advanced.

ESL course suits me very well.

A duck walks into a bar and walks up to the bartender.

The bartender said, "What can I get you?"

Duck: Hmm. Do you have any grapes?

Bartender (looks surprised and thinks this question is strange):

No, I'm afraid we don't.

The duck staggered slowly out of the bar.

At the same time the next day, the duck waddled into the bar and jumped on one.

Bar stool.

Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?

Duck: Hmm. Do you have any grapes?

Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Aren't you here yesterday? look

Dude, we don't have grapes. Okay？

The duck jumped off the stool and staggered out the door.

The next day, at the same time, the bartender was cleaning some glasses.

When he heard a familiar voice

Duck: hmm ... do you have any grapes?

The bartender is really angry.

Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in yesterday and asked me.

For grapes, I told you, we don't have grapes! ! Next time I see yours

The duckling waddled over and I'm going to nail those little webbed feet.

Throw it on the floor. Did you find me, man?

The duck jumped off the stool in the bar and staggered out.

At the same time the next day, the duck waddled into the bar and walked to.

The bartender and the bartender said,

"What do you want?"

Hmm. Do you have any nails?

What! ? Of course not.

oh Well, do you have any grapes?

-

I teach my students to stagger and webbed their feet, but what the hell can you teach?

You want, man, bartender, bartender, etc.

It is also good to review "any"

________________________________________

A man's dog had a problem, so he took him to the vet. Veterinarians watch.

He said he had to take it to the examination room. In ...

In the examination room, he took a cat out of its cage and let it walk around.

Pass the dog, but the dog does nothing.

The doctor said, "Your dog is dead."

The man went to the front desk and asked for his bill.

"The total is $325," said the receptionist.

"what! $325? How is this possible? "

"The consultation fee is $25 and the scanning fee is $300."

Note: Students may not know the word CAT scan.

Submitted by Christine McBlain (telling her brother Dave

Toronto

________________________________________

Two students who just started ESL went to Honolulu for a holiday. Soon they

Began to argue about the correct pronunciation of the word "Hawaii"

The students insisted that this was Hawaii with a "W" sound. Another student

He said it sounded like "Havaii" with a "V" sound.

Finally, they saw an old aborigine on the beach and asked him which one was.

Correct. The old man said "Hawaii". The correct student is.

I was very happy and thanked the old man.

The old man said, "You are Wellcome."

Submitted by Brian Madden

________________________________________

Every day, I can see an ESL teacher coming out of the lounge with one in his hand.

Marker, used for writing. There are expressions and graffiti in the lounge.

Write on the wall. Very bad. Finally, the director of the school

Call the teacher to the office and tell him.

It's terrible that he wrote those things on the wall. The teacher said

He's not the one who wrote those things. What the teacher did was.

Correct grammar.

Submitted by Brian Madden

________________________________________

"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." The boy said.

"Why not, son?"

"Well, a chicken died on the school farm last week, and we

Chicken soup for lunch the next day. Three days ago, one of the pigs

Died, and the next day we ate roast pork. "

"But why don't you want to go today?"

"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"

________________________________________

One day, a man was driving at a speed of 80 kilometers per hour when he was overtaken by a man with three legs.

Chicken. He sped past the chicken. Three minutes later.

When he was driving at the speed of 100 km per hour, the chicken overtook him again. This man tried to

I caught the chicken, but it ran up a path. The man followed it into a house.

Farm yard, but I can't find it anywhere. He saw the farmer and told him.

Stories and men demand an explanation. The farmer said he, his.

Both his wife and his son like drumsticks, so he keeps a three-legged chicken.

"What do they taste like?" The man asked.

"I don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't caught one yet."

Submitted by Alastair Rice

________________________________________

This may only be good for your more advanced students.

A rope walked into a bar and asked for a glass of wine. bartender

Refused to serve him and said rudely, "Sorry, we don't provide services like this."

You Get out! '

Gloomily, the rope left the bar and he walked on the road.

Then he saw two girls and he asked them for help. "Please," he said to one of them.

Girls, can you tie a knot for me? That's what she did, "Please.

A rope said to another girl, "Would you mind taking your comb?"

Loosen the end of my rope? So the girl obeyed.

"Thank you." Said the rope, and then he turned back to the bar.

Immediately ordered another glass of wine.

The bartender looked at him doubtfully and said, "You're not that guy.

The rope that was just here? '

"No," the answer is, "I am a worn knot."

Author: Catherine

________________________________________

Three rich brothers all want to do something special for their old people.

Mother's day. The first brother bought her a big house. this

The second brother gave her a limousine with a driver. Third elder brother

I remember his mother used to love reading the Bible, but she couldn't.

Out of sight, so he bought her a specially trained parrot.

Recite any verse in the Bible as required.

Soon, the two brothers received a thank-you letter from their mother. first

My son's note said, "The house you bought me is too big! I only live in

A small part, but I have to clean up the whole thing! "The second son.

I received a note that said, "I seldom go out, so I hardly need it."

The limousine you gave me. The driver is so rude when I use it! "that?

The third son's note reads: "My dear son, you know yours."

Maternal love! Chicken is delicious! "

Teaching notes: We previewed some words, such as limousine,

Well-trained, delicious, and gave the students a printed copy of a joke.

Part of the reading activity. When they started, we knew they had finished.

Giggling. If quoting the Bible doesn't suit you

Students, you can use "classic" instead of this joke.

Submitted by Eve Ross

________________________________________

George is looking after a parrot for his aunt. This parrot is very cute.

Nasty parrot. It cursed, screamed and laughed at George, so he

Parrot, and put it in the refrigerator.

The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until it finally stopped.

George thought, "No! I froze my aunt's bird to death. "

He opened the door and saw the bird still alive!

The bird said, "I'm sorry for my behavior. I'll never be naughty again."

George said, "Why change?"

The bird replied, "because I saw what you did to another bird."

Hint: He saw the frozen chicken. )

Submitted by Erin McCluskey

________________________________________

The doctor told a missionary that he had only a few weeks left.

Live.

He felt very sad when he came home. When his wife heard the sad news, she

I said to him, "honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, let me know."

Me. "

The priest replied, "You know, honey, there is a box in the kitchen."

There is something in the cupboard that you always call "your little secret", and you.

Say you'll never want me to open it in your lifetime. Now I

I'm going home to be with God. Why don't you show me what's inside?

Your secret box? "

The preacher's wife took out the box and opened the lid. It contains

$ 100000 and three eggs.

"What are those eggs doing in the box?" Asked the preacher.

"Well, honey," she replied, "every time your sermon is really bad, I put it

There is an egg in the box. "

The preacher has been preaching for more than forty years, but he only sees.

He began to feel very proud of the three eggs in that old shoe box.

It warmed his soul.

"What about 100.000 dollars?" "he asked.

"Oh, you see," she whispered, "there are a dozen eggs every time.

In the box, I ... sold it. "

Submitted by tim allen.

________________________________________

A man is released from prison after twenty years. He decided to go back

The block where he lives. When he got there, he didn't recognize it.

Location. Everything has changed a lot. He used to go everywhere.

Disappeared Even the pub disappeared. He is very tired and wants to

Eat something. He went into a small cafe and asked for a cup of coffee and a glass of beer.

Sandwiches. When he took out his wallet, he found a shoemaker's ticket in it.

Then he remembered the last thing he did before he was arrested

Is to take a pair of shoes to the shoe store. He decided to go there.

Just try it. What a wonderful thing! The shoemaker is still in the same place. male

Go into the shop and tell the shoemaker about twenty years ago.

He left him a pair of shoes to repair. The shoemaker has one

Look at the ticket and say, "well, come back tomorrow." They will be ready.

Then. "Some things will never change.

Submitted by Christine MAZEAU

________________________________________

Once a Japanese student told me that this is an old story.

One Saturday afternoon, grasshoppers, snails and centipedes were together.

Sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.

They finished their beer before they were ready to give up drinking, so they

Decided to let one of them go out and drink more beer.

The snail said, "I want to go, but I'm a little slow." Besides, grasshoppers, this

It's your neighbor, so you know where to go. "

The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but I will tremble when I jump."

Beer, we get sprayed every time we open it. "

So they decided to send centipedes; The grasshopper explained why

Go to the nearest hotel.

An hour or so passed, and the centipede still didn't come back, so the snail

The grasshopper decided to look for him.

They walked all the way to the front door and found the centipede sitting there.

Wear shoes there.

Submitted by Rodney A. Hoiseth-Roth Company

________________________________________

You can choose one and translate it on/website! , hope to adopt,