Acquisition joke

A patient with indigestion complained to the doctor: I have been abnormal recently. Pull whatever you eat, eat cucumber and pull watermelon, how to return to normal? The doctor is silent for a moment, then you can only eat shit.

One day, a Mr. Zhang left the personnel department of the company and went to a bar. The bartender said, Mr. Zhang, I heard that you have been absent recently? ! When Mr. Zhang panicked, the bartender quickly changed his mouth. I heard you were absent? !

A meteor streaked across the night sky, and I quickly made a wish, hoping that you could become more beautiful. Who knows, just made a wish, the meteor came back and said to me: big brother! It really embarrassed me, didn't it? !

Yuan is studying in other places. One day, he found that his living expenses had been used up in advance and was busy telegraphing home for help. There were only four words on the telegram: A Yuan received a phone call from home a few days after he ran out of ammunition and food: Hold on!

You know our friendship means a lot to me. I cry when you cry, and I laugh when you laugh. When you jump off a tall building, I will stick my head out without hesitation: "Wow! Strangely, not dead! "

I heard that your mobile phone doesn't have short message function, so I sent this short message to try. If you receive it and confirm that it has SMS function and it is not sent by me, please reply to me: I do, it is yours!

Someone went to the northeast on business and lost a dollar in the street. The policeman said, "We will definitely help you find it." When the man went again in January, the street where he lost his money was dug up to build a road. He can't help but sigh that "the cat-flapping net in the northeast is real."

If someone bullies you, tell me! I beat his face into a color screen, his head into vibration, his ears into chords, his nose into a straight plate, and his front teeth into somersaults. Anyway, I beat him to second hand!

Every time I feed the pigsty, I will play music. Pregnant sows always enjoy themselves in secluded places. The master came to drive her away. The sow said, "Don't make any noise, I'm giving prenatal education."

Health tip: After eating a full meal, don't smoke, take a bath, get angry, loosen your belt under temptation, brush your teeth, go to the toilet or drink alcohol. Do you know that?/You know what?

I have a request: invite me to dinner, I hope you can satisfy me. Otherwise, I'll write your mobile phone number on the wall and add two words in front of it: apply for a certificate.

Friar Sand took a math test, and the invigilator stared at the beads around his neck for a long time, sneering: Hey hey! Camouflage the abacus like this, don't cheat, and take it off quickly!

When we were young, we didn't guess. I sing and you dance. I can sing 200 songs and you can dance 200 dances, so people affectionately call me 200 songs and you 200 dances!

A couple came to the wishing pool. The husband bent down, made a wish and threw a coin into the well. My wife also wanted to make a wish, but when she bent down, she accidentally fell into the well. The husband was startled, then smiled and said to himself, what a spirit!

God gave me a cornucopia, and I can change it as I want. I accidentally thought of you once, and it turned out to be you. I can't stop thinking about it. It hasn't changed. Finally, the room is full of you. I'm worried: how to feed so many piglets?

When my little nephew was four or five years old, he found a dollar on the floor at home. He happily picked it up and saw that it was "1992" money. He lost it unhappily: "This money is overdue."

You are as kind as a cat, as loyal as a dog, as lovely as a bird, as knowledgeable as a horse, as brilliant as a butterfly, as hardworking as a bee, and like everything. No wonder everyone calls you an animal.

I have been by your side, worrying about you again and again. Are you full today? Did you sleep well? Will it be cold late at night? I always knew you couldn't take care of yourself. Every time I walk away, you jump out of the pigsty.

I dreamed of you last night: we walked by the river and snuggled together. You look up at my eyes and spit out three words affectionately-woof woof.

Someone saw you today, and you are still so charming, walking slowly in a plaid vest, looking detached and comfortable. It is really cute. I wonder how you beat rabbits in those years.

Do you know why we are destined? We knew each other as early as 1000 years ago. It was autumn, and you ran with me in the wind, leaving your teeth marks on me. This has become an eternal story. At that time, my name was Lv Dongbin.

When the factory director was negotiating with foreign businessmen, the foreign businessmen had an itchy nose and sneezed. It happened that the translator around them also had an itchy nose and then sneezed. The factory director said unhappily: No need to translate, I understand!

When carrot saw the customer, he respectfully handed in his business card. The customer looked at the business card and asked, why is it called Korean ginseng? Carrots have a thin waist. "People haha!"

A boy is chasing him, and girls are not interested in him. Because boys are persistent, girls loudly say to boys, what do you like about me? Can't I change it? !

Announcer: Next, Zhang Ming brought a song "Buffalo" and rushed out behind the scenes: Sorry, Zhang Ming dedicated "Waterwheel" to everyone. As a result, the music began. It was Zheng Zhihua's Sailor.

I'm sorry to text you so late. If it bothers you, I want to tell you-that's too bad! Who told you to go to bed earlier than me, hehe

If it is a mistake to look good, then I am all wet. If loveliness is a crime, I have committed a heinous crime. It's really hard to be a man! ... you'll be fine ~ Yes, you're not guilty ... I envy you.

On the bus, one person stepped on another's foot and was scolded: Are you blind? ! Step on someone's back: I'm not blind. Didn't I just step on it?

Friends and relatives are dating in a fast food restaurant. The young people are polite and behave appropriately. To test whether he smokes, his future father-in-law handed him a French fries: Would you like one? The young man swallowed and said, no thanks.

A shy boy asked a girl, what kind of boy do you like? The girl said: hit it off, and the boy asked with a sad face: Can't the head be flat?

The wife asked: Does this wig I am wearing look good? The husband said: It reminds me of something that I have forgotten for a long time. The wife said, I was young, right? Husband said: I remember that I haven't bought a mop at home!

A man sells popsicles in the market for the first time, so he is embarrassed to sell them. Next to him, a man was shouting: sell popsicles! He had to shout: Me too.

"This child looks exactly like me!" Big brother proudly said to his friend, "Don't be sad." The friend comforted, "It doesn't matter if the child is ugly, as long as it is healthy and lively."

Late at night, the child began to cry. Mother is ill and can't be persuaded. Father picked him up and prepared to sing a lullaby. At first, my wife begged for mercy: let the child cry.

Someone wrote on the stone wall of Huangshan Mountain: My wife and I are very happy to be here, and we specially left words as a souvenir. A few days later, there was another line next to it: I am happier without my wife to visit here, and I reserved a sentence for this.

The mosquito gave you a big bite on your arm, and you were awakened. At the moment when you swung it to hit the mosquito, the mosquito said to you: Your blood is flowing in my body!

In a restaurant, woman: Are you going to marry me or not? The man was silent. W: Don't think that nobody wants me. If I get angry, I'll find someone to marry here right away! The waiter came over and said, miss, you scared away all the guests in our shop.

I saw you in the street the other day. You are with someone. I saw at a glance that he was not a good man. He's been patting your ass behind you. I was very angry and said to him, stop the donkey driver in front!

I wish you 12 Zodiac: Alliance is like a mouse, strong as an ox, bold as a tiger, lovely as a rabbit, confident as a dragon, charming as a snake, romantic as a horse, gentle as a sheep, naughty as a monkey, beautiful as a chicken, loyal as a dog and dragon as a pig!

An obstetrician started his own business. On his first day home, his wife asked him, How was your day? The doctor replied, it's not too bad. Although neither the mother nor the baby was saved, the baby's father was finally saved.

Miss you, there is a warm feeling. Seeing you is a painful expectation. Loving you is my lifelong pursuit. Dreaming of you is my eternal feeling. Actually, beating you is what makes me happy!

On the way of friendship, sometimes you can't see me. It's not that I forgot you, let alone you. But I choose to walk behind you. When you fall, I will run quickly. Hey, hey, I'll step on it! I step on it! I step on it!

I heard that your mouse moved, and all the flies were smoked into the hospital. Just now, I saw your cockroach come to buy a freshener in the supermarket, and the bug also came to buy perfume. Dude, just wash your feet!

I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that your patience has won my respect; The bad news is-I will redouble my efforts to repair you!

Just a gust of wind, but so eternal; It's just a dream, but it's so real; You bowed your head and said nothing, but I couldn't calm down. I finally can't help but say to you: you fart first!

I will accumulate a meteor to miss you every night, and finally it has merged into this meteor shower! I thought, demo, I can't believe it!

A man saw a beautiful girl on the playground and wanted to strike up a conversation. He picked up something from the ground and walked over and said, classmate, did you drop this Allegro brick?

You danced on a lotus leaf, and your elegant posture charmed everyone who saw you. One of the poets exclaimed, Oh, my God! Pig leaves! Another poet shook his head and said, no, it's a mule looking for a lotus root!

One donkey can carry 100 Jin, and two donkeys can carry 200 Jin. You only need three donkeys to bring back 400 Jin of grain. Why?

Tomorrow morning, you will see a mosquito lying next to your pillow. It says: I tried all night last night, but I failed to pierce your face. Your cheek is so thick that I have no face to live in this world, so please don't doubt that this is murder, I committed suicide!

Woman: Why did you listen to me before, but just three days after you got married, you quarreled with me twice? Well, generally speaking, my patience is limited.

You can reflect my shortcomings better than the mirror; You are more knowledgeable than Zhuangzi; You are more resourceful than your grandson; Therefore, we all affectionately call you "the grandson of Jingzhuang"

A piece of cake fell. It's discouraging and frustrating. Who can encourage it to stand up? The answer is: you! Because, there is a saying: pigs encourage cakes!

Lions and bears planted a tree and shit on it. As a result, the trees planted by lions grow luxuriantly, while the trees planted by bears are short and small. Bear said with emotion: lion shit is better than bear shit!

I heard that you will come to our house for the Spring Festival, and my brother will pick you up. For easy identification, please take two first-class cigarettes in your left hand and two bottles of Moutai in your right hand.

Money is a useful thing, but it will bring you happiness only when you feel satisfied. So you should give me the extra money, so that both of us will feel happy!

I dreamed of you on New Year's Eve. Happy New Year to you: Happy New Year! A sneeze woke me up from my dream. I know you miss me, so I immediately called you and said, bring me the red envelope!

In the vast sea of people, when you receive this sincere blessing, please try your best to hit your head against the wall. Look, the countless stars in front of you are my blessings.

Send you a bunch of roses to express your love; Give you a big peach blossom, and your fortune depends on it; Give you a bowl of tofu and laugh after eating it. ?

Falling in love with you is inevitable, leaving you is inevitable, and forgetting you is absolutely impossible!

It's skin, I'm meat; You are a suit, I am a button; You are coffee, I am a bean; Loving you for life is not enough.