Joke Collection Website - Cold jokes - How to get up in the morning with red eyes? What should I do if I drop naphthalene Wei Min eye drops? What should I pay attention to when sleeping at night?
How to get up in the morning with red eyes? What should I do if I drop naphthalene Wei Min eye drops? What should I pay attention to when sleeping at night?
life
Knowledge itself does not tell people how to use it, but the way to use it is outside books-Bacon.
Life is the source of knowledge and the treasure house of composition materials.
Reading all good books is talking to many noble people-Descartes.
The wisdom of life may lie in asking why when things happen-Balzac.
Learning knowledge should be good at thinking, thinking and thinking again. This is how I became a scientist-Einstein.
Knowledge is as precious as human blood. Without blood, people will be weak; Without knowledge, one's mind will dry up-Gao Shiqi, when you lose knowledge, don't lose the lesson.
Don't let a little dispute lose a friendship.
A caring family atmosphere is the foundation of your life. "You can't have your cake and eat it" comes from the Analects of Confucius by Mencius.
Beauty is everywhere. For our eyes, it is not the lack of beauty, but the lack of discovery-Rodin.
I jump at books, just like a hungry person jumps at bread-Gorky (1) pure happiness.
There is a little girl who walks from home to school every day.
One morning, the weather was not very good and the clouds gradually thickened. In the afternoon, the wind blew even harder.
Soon there was lightning, thunder and heavy rain.
The little girl's mother is worried. She is worried that the little girl will be frightened by thunder.
Even struck by lightning.
Thunderstorm is getting bigger and bigger, and lightning pierces the sky like a sword.
The little girl's mother was driving fast,
Follow the route to school to find the little girl,
Seeing her little daughter walking alone in the street,
Only to find that every time there was lightning, she stopped.
Look up and smile. After watching it for a long time,
The mother finally couldn't help but stop her child.
Ask her, "What are you doing? 」
She said, "God just took my picture, so I want to laugh! 」
(2) Loss and possession
An entrepreneur has made amazing achievements in the shopping mall.
When he was at the peak of his career,
One day, his father accompanied him to a noble restaurant for dinner.
An extraordinary violinist played for everyone at the scene.
Listening to the music, the entrepreneur remembered that he had also studied piano.
Almost crazy about it,
He said to his father, "If I had studied the piano well before,
Maybe it will be played here now.
"Yes, son," his father replied.
"But in that case, you wouldn't be eating here now. 」
Meditation: We often lament the lost opportunities or achievements.
But I often forget to appreciate what I have now.
(3) Know your "limited" intelligence
There was a clever boy,
One day, his mother took him to the grocery store to buy things.
When the boss saw the lovely child, he opened a can of candy.
The little boy was asked to help himself to a handful of sweets.
But the boy didn't make any action. After several invitations,
The boss personally grabbed a handful of candy and put it in his pocket.
When I got home, my mother asked the little boy curiously:
Why not grab the candy yourself and let the boss grab it?
The little boy replied beautifully, "because my hands are smaller!"
Moreover, the boss has bigger hands, and he must take a lot more than me! 」
Meditation: This is a clever boy. He knows his limitations.
More importantly, he also understands that others are better than himself.
Everything depends not only on our own strength, but also on the timeliness of others.
Is a kind of humility, but also a kind of intelligence.
(4) The art of listening
One day, linklater, a famous American host, visited a child.
Ask him, "What do you want to be when you grow up? 」
The child naively replied, "Well ... I want to be an airplane pilot! 」
Linklater then asked, "If one day,
Your plane flew over the Pacific Ocean, and all the engines died.
What would you do? "The child wanted to think:
"I will tell people sitting on the plane to fasten their seat belts first.
Then I hung up my parachute and jumped out. 」
When the audience laughed at the scene,
Linklater continued to observe the child,
I want to see if he is a clever man. Unexpectedly,
Then two lines of tears welled up in the child's eyes.
This made linklater aware of the child's compassion.
Words are far beyond description.
So linklater asked him, "Why did you do this? 」
The child's answer reveals a child's sincere thoughts:
"I'm going to get fuel, I want to come back! ! 」
"I want to come back! 」。
When you hear someone talking ... do you really understand what he is saying?
You got it?
If you don't understand, please listen to others. This is the art of listening.
1. Don't listen to half the words.
In addition, don't project your meaning on what others say.
(5) Enlightenment of walking
God gave me a task to take a snail for a walk.
I can't walk too fast, the snail has tried his best to climb.
Always move a little bit at a time. I acted in haste, bluffing,
I blamed it, and the snail looked at me with sorry eyes, as if to say:
"People have tried their best! 」
I pulled it, I pulled it, I even wanted to kick it, and the snail was hurt.
It was sweating and crawling forward panting.
It's strange, why does God want me to take a snail for a walk?
Jesus Christ. Why? "The sky was quiet.
"alas! Maybe God went to catch snails! " All right! Let me go.
God doesn't care anyway. What do I care?
Let the snail crawl forward, and I will sulk in the back.
Huh? I smell the flowers. There used to be a garden here.
I feel the breeze blowing. The wind at night is so gentle.
Wait! I hear birds, I hear insects,
I saw how bright among the stars in the sky. Huh?
Why haven't you had these experiences before? I suddenly remembered,
Did I do something wrong?
It turned out that God asked snails to take me for a walk.
Did you find your snail? Go for a walk once in a while!
(6) You can be really comfortable.
Milan Kundera has a book called Living on the Other Side.
I have a good association with these five words.
Our life is always far away, and we are all thinking:
If I have money tomorrow, I can.
But if you earn less money now and are unhappy, even if you have more money,
I promise you won't be happy;
If you don't enjoy it when you are alone, even if you are married,
Married! Others are as unhappy as you;
If you don't know how to enjoy life now, you won't enjoy life in the future.
Someone asked what is freedom, the so-called freedom is:
You don't need any reason to refuse a date.
You have the right to live the life you want,
Have the right to go where you want. In fact, life is very simple.
Both men and women like to set a time limit for their lives.
For example:
I have to get married at 25 and have children at 26.
There must be a man and a woman at the age of 30, and a house at the age of 3 1.
So many decisions are hasty.
If the person you are looking for is wrong from the beginning, no matter how hard you try in the future;
Sometimes, we often feel that all our problems are gone when we get married.
Then if you still have problems when you get married, give birth to your child as soon as possible for life.
In fact, your problem has not been solved at this stage, and it will only get bigger in the next stage;
Don't expect too much about the future, expect too much. ......
Honestly, the frustration will be deep,
Why don't you look at what you are doing now, it will make you feel comfortable,
Absorb a lot of things,
Only in this way will you feel that life is really full.
Besides, if a person works too hard to show it to others,
This will be very painful,
If you believe you did a good job today,
When I don't care what others think of you,
You can be comfortable.
(7) Lack of patience
I have a friend who once had a fortune of hundreds of millions. When the stock market crashed, he suddenly collapsed.
For a time, he was very depressed, his cholesterol and blood pressure were surprisingly high, and he suffered from severe depression.
Recently, I met them in a department store. They were looking at crystal glass with bright smiles on their faces.
"I can't afford it," he smiled at me.
"The previous collections have been sold, but it's good to look at the ones in the window and appreciate them purely. 」
I often see a famous political figure on TV.
In his early years, he was imprisoned for more than 20 years for holding different political views.
But when others were eager to get justice from the old government, he didn't.
He always wears a natural and unrestrained smile, even his eyes are smiling, and he can't see any hostility or resentment.
"Patience is not enough to deal with persecution, but forgiveness. People can have spiritual wealth without greedy thoughts.
Only by replacing hatred with forgiveness can people have spiritual peace.
(8) Don't lose your life.
I met a young man who just got his doctorate from MIT.
"It's really not easy," I praised him. "After getting a doctorate at MIT, you can make good use of your ambition. 」
"Yes, I have to hurry, otherwise we will lose a lot. 」
"A big loss?" I don't quite understand what he said.
"Yes," he smiled, "you calculate, I am 28 years old this year, from before I was born,
Learn to sit, crawl, walk, talk, primary school, middle school, university,
It took me 28 years to get my degree today.
I have also consumed the resources of my parents and society for 28 years! 」
Sighed: "But, how many years?" ?
People like us who are engaged in cutting-edge technology, if we don't keep working hard, I'm afraid the time we can work,
In less than twenty-eight years, by the time I was fifty-six, I was out of date. 」
Isn't it? Let me calculate, the original reward for learning is quite limited.
Take this doctor as an example. One year's study is only equivalent to one year later.
Study for an hour, and only use one hour's rate of return.
No wonder he said, "I have to start quickly." At the moment of graduation,
That's when I started. In the next 28 years, I will make good use of the past 28 years.
I won't lose money in my life in order to get even. 」
(10) Stop running. ...
Russian writer Tolstoy wrote a short story:
There is a farmer who cultivates a small piece of wasteland every day, but gains little;
An angel sympathized with the farmer's situation and told him that as long as he could keep running,
All the places he ran, no matter how big, all the land would be his.
So, the farmer ran forward excitedly and kept running! Tired of running, I want to stop and have a rest.
However, when I think of my wife and children, I need more land to farm and make money!
So, he ran like hell again!
Really tired, the farmer is out of breath and can't run!
However, the farmer thought that in the future, when he was old, he might be short of care and need money.
Just pull yourself together, regardless of your panting body, and then run hard!
Finally, he was exhausted, and with a bang, he lay dead on the ground!
Indeed, people living in the world must work hard;
However, when we do it for ourselves, for our children and for a better life,
While constantly "running forward" and "desperately making money",
You must also know clearly-sometimes it is time to "run back"!
Because, my wife and three children are eagerly waiting for you to come back!
"Run back, come back! If you don't "run back",
Maybe everyone will never meet again!
(1 1) Go to a feast of life.
If you invite your new girlfriend to eat western food.
"In this way," she gently with her little finger, "the whole meal. 」
The appetizer came and she swept it away.
When the soup comes, it will bottom out at once. The salad came and she swallowed it one by one.
The appetizer for the main course came up, and she ate slowly and ate half.
The main course is being served, and she has touched her chest and gasped: "I am too full to eat." 」
This kind of girl may not have seen the world.
She doesn't want to treat you like Kai Zi, but she doesn't know how to order.
On the contrary, if a girl eats a little of everything and only chooses her favorite entrance,
Maybe it's not easy. She must be a well-informed girl.
Enough to cure you, a poor little boy.
If you are a girl and love the boy who invited you to dinner, please don't murder his wallet, please be less.
But on the contrary, life is like a feast.
If you want to live a fuller life, you should learn from that big lady who knows how to eat a whole meal.
You have to taste it bit by bit, and once you have tasted it, you will never use it again;
Never ignore what should be the main course. The feast of life is God's hospitality.
He put the "menu of heaven and earth" in front of your eyes, and you can order it.
You can be ambitious and order a full Italian meal.
Just don't know how to choose, don't know how to give up.
In the process of serving this big meal of life, you swallow everything you see,
You must be getting tired of eating. Say goodbye to this feast early.
Look at how many successful people in this world are still sitting at the dinner table of his life feast in their later years.
Taste the last dessert and wine after dinner. When you envy them,
You have to tell yourself first-"they can eat all the feasts of life because they know how to choose."
They know to eat less in front of people, instead of wolfing down. 」
12) Clownfish and Anemone
My friends unanimously praised raiders of the lost ark, and I like watching cartoons.
I also like watching DiscoveryChannel documentaries about marine life, so I have every reason to go to the cinema instead of waiting for the publication of VCD.
The first shot took the audience into the deep sea, because it was a high-definition animation, which was more rippling than a real documentary.
I exclaimed, "Clownfish and anemones! Friend F wondered, "Why do you recognize these marine creatures at a glance? 」
I couldn't throw away my schoolbag when the movie was on. My admiration for clownfish and anemones is not entirely due to the vividness of computer animation; But for the subtle symbiotic relationship between these two creatures.
Anemone tentacles can secrete chemicals to stab passing fish, which is its way of hunting and protecting itself. It can't only stab clownfish, because clownfish has a layer of mucus, which is immune to the poison of anemones, and this kind of fish eats everything to help clean anemones, so anemones let clownfish live in it.
A wicked villain will always meet someone who has a soft spot for him, just like an anemone meets a clown fish, but what is the reason why he has a soft spot?
On the contrary, I have met great men who are very hard on a family?
For example, a mother is very strict with her children, or a husband is very picky about his wife, but one is willing to fight and the other is willing to suffer.
Whether it's family or special purpose, whether it's happiness or pain,
This delicate relationship will continue.
(13) People should live up to expectations.
Before he became famous, there was a young painter who lived in a narrow little house and made a living by painting portraits.
One day, a rich man passed by and saw his meticulous painter. He likes it very much and asks him to draw a portrait for him.
Both parties agreed to reward 1 10,000 yuan.
A week later, after the portrait was finished, the rich man came to pick up the painting as promised. At this time, the rich man had evil thoughts in his heart.
Bullying him for being young and unknown, refusing to pay as agreed.
The rich man thought, "The portrait in the painting is me. If I don't buy this painting, no one will.
Why should I spend so much money on it? 」
So the rich man acquiesced and said that he only spent 3000 yuan on this painting.
The young painter was dumbfounded. He has never encountered such a thing. He is a little flustered and spends a lot of time talking.
Argue with the rich, hoping that the rich can abide by the agreement and be a trustworthy person.
"I can only spend three thousand yuan to buy this painting, so don't bother. 」
The rich man thinks he has the upper hand. "Finally, I ask you, do you want to sell it for 3000 yuan? 」
Young artists know that the rich deliberately default, aggrieved in the heart, he said in a firm tone:
"Don't sell. I would rather not sell this painting than be humiliated by you. If you break your promise today, you will have to pay twenty times the price in the future. 」
"Joke, twenty times, is two hundred thousand! I'm not stupid enough to spend 200 thousand on this painting. 」
"So, we will wait and see. The young painter said to the rich man who left angrily.
Stimulated by this incident, the painter stayed away from this sad place and resumed his apprenticeship, practicing hard day and night.
God helps those who help him. After more than ten years, he finally broke into a world and became a famous figure in the art world.
What about the rich man? After leaving the studio, I forgot the painter's paintings and words the next day.
Until that day, several friends of the rich man came to tell him:
"friend! One thing is so strange! These days, we went to visit an exhibition of a famous artist. One of the paintings is a figure exactly like you, and the price is 200,000. Funnily enough, the title of this painting turned out to be-thief. 」
The rich man seems to have been hit on the head, thinking of the painter more than ten years ago.
This incident hurt him so much that he immediately rushed to the young painter overnight to apologize to him and spent 200 thousand to buy back the portrait.
Youth's indomitable ambition makes the rich bow their heads. The young man's name is Picasso
This gives us a revelation:
People should live up to expectations, don't be discouraged, take setbacks as a ladder, make unremitting efforts, and finally realize their ideals and fulfill their wishes.
Can you believe it? No one can humiliate and defeat you, except yourself.
(14) There is a small crack on the bucket.
I hope you can share it with your friends.
Once upon a time there was a rich man who hired a housekeeper.
The housekeeper draws water for his master from a well two miles outside the house every day.
The housekeeper used two barrels, one intact and the other with a small crack.
Therefore, even if the housekeeper fills two buckets of water at a time, he will only return to his host's house with one and a half buckets of water.
After a while, the defective bucket was unhappy.
So he said to the housekeeper, "I feel very unhappy because you miss half the water from me every day."
If you are not scolded by your host, you will have to travel more. I'm really useless. Why do you need me? 」
The housekeeper then asked the defective bucket to look at it the next time he went to fetch water.
It turns out that the roadside is full of beautiful flowers, and many times,
The housekeeper will pick these flowers to decorate the master's room and make the master happy.
The housekeeper told the bucket that it was because she saw its problems that she planted some flower seeds on the roadside.
The road behind is full of beautiful flowers. So even though the bucket has its shortcomings,
But it can also bring value to the world. The question is how to make full use of it!
This story has been circulated by e-mail.
One of them wants to end his life. Because she saw this story,
And changed my mind and gave up the idea of cute death.
I hope you can share it with your friends. Maybe you can save many lives directly or indirectly.
(15) McDonald's
A new McDonald's has opened near my home.
The dazzling M-shaped signboard immediately became an obvious indicator, guiding the driver in the car,
Or guide the roundworm in the stomach.
And I, because I have been studying outside, have never had a chance to set foot in this world-class snack-McDonald's, which is only 100 meters away from my home.
Until that day, the day I went home, my mother happened to go back to Penghu, and my sister went to Tainan to attend a friend's wedding reception.
The kitchen, where the food kept smelling, suddenly became empty. I'm the only one left in such a big home.
So, I made up my mind to step into Dahuang M, McDonald's next door to my house.
Pushing open the door, it was still so clean and refreshing. Uncle McDonald greeted me with a kind smile.
So, I ordered a set meal and found a window seat with ease and pleasure.
Eating delicious hamburgers, thinking about why McDonald's is popular all over Taiwan Province Province.
Because McDonald's marketing strategy is aimed at "children". There is no longer any great desire,
Can compare with a child's satisfied smile.
Suddenly, I saw two people, and they caught my attention instantly.
Because they don't go with this neat new building at all.
They are a father and son. There is a hole in the east of father's yellow shirt.
There is a hole in the west, full of oil stains that I don't know whether it is gasoline or black oil, and my face is slightly thin.
Especially his skin, which is constantly baptized by the sun, shows that he has suffered from wind and frost.
If I guess correctly, he should be a worker.
Compared with his father, the child is not too thin, but if he is in McDonald's,
Any child running around with a plane is too dark and too small.
Two people, walking slowly into McDonald's, judging from their hesitant pace and looking around,
As you can guess, it should be their first time to come to this fast food restaurant.
"We want a French fries, a coke and two pork burgers ..." My father stuttered.
"a total of *** 150 yuan. The clerk's face is still McDonald's signature smile.
"150 yuan? Ok ... ok ... "My father lowered his head and kept digging in his pocket with his black and dirty hands.
Jingle bells, a bag of copper coins, all scattered on the white dining table.
Father took the coin and counted it slowly.
"10 yuan, 20 yuan, 30 yuan, 40 yuan, 50 yuan, 55 yuan, 56 yuan ..."
The clerk still held his breath and smiled, waiting for the customer to count the change in his hand.
But I have seen several young people behind them, showing impatient expressions.
Suddenly, the silent children are pulling their father's dirty shirt.
Shouting, "Dad, I want that car. People want that car ..."
"Car car toys? My father squinted at the toy,
Then he turned to the clerk and asked, "how much does it cost to add this toy?" 」
"To 50 yuan. The clerk's voice rose slightly, I wonder if it was to remind my father.
He may not have enough change in his hand, or let him return it.
Father didn't speak, but he showed an embarrassed expression.
A few wrinkles were squeezed out of his dark forehead, but a wry smile floated around his mouth.
This expression is so profound. I can hardly resist putting down my hamburger.
Take out the fifty dollars still in my pocket. But in the end, I didn't move because I wanted to know my father's choice.
"So ... miss, I'm sorry ... I don't want that hamburger, just a hamburger. 」
The clerk hesitated and quickly pressed the ticket exchange button. A hamburger, perhaps the only one my father has eaten in my life, has become a toy car.
By this time, when my father had counted the money, he put away the two or three small changes left on the table.
Pick up the wooden tray in one hand. Hold the child's hand with the other hand.
Walking slowly to their seats, I saw the pride of being a father at that moment.
Originally QuLou body, suddenly become tall and straight.
His children were very excited. They kept jumping, laughing and whining about cars.
Playing with his new toy.
I secretly looked at them with my eyes open.
Father didn't eat anything, just smiled contentedly and looked at the excited children.
Play with toys for a while, grab French fries for a while, and taste this hard-won food in various postures.
I watched quietly, and suddenly found that I had to find a place.
Find a pen, maybe the internet, and record my father's expression at that time.
He squinted and looked at the child in front of him very carefully, and the wrinkles on his forehead tightened.
Only this time, he really smiled. No more wry smile. But a very satisfied smile.
Why can McDonald's be popular all over the world?
Because of the love of parents, it can sweep the world.
I seemed to feel his satisfaction, lowered my head and finished my hamburger with a smile.
posterior segment
After eating my hamburger, I finally took out fifty dollars from my pocket and walked to the counter.
"Please give me another Korean ..." I was only halfway through my speech, only to find that ...
The young salesgirl took out a freshly baked hamburger from the back.
Smile at me, then leave the counter and walk to the table where father and son are sitting.
When she passed me, she didn't forget to wink wittily.
"This hamburger has been reserved. 」
(16) locks and keys
The world's most sophisticated electronic locks and keys have finally come out!
All bought by a rich man.
Locks and keys are proud of their identity and status.
One day, the lock said to the key:
"Ah! Look! How can you live today without me? 」
"Are you? You lost me? It is a pile of rubbish! " The key point is.
"Ha ~ ha ~ ha! What will happen without me guarding the master's property?
Think with your bean head! "Lock said proudly.
"Waste is waste, and I don't know what to think! Without my guidance,
Do you know how to open and close your clumsy latch? Think with your straw brain! 」
The key won't open in the lock; In this way, they quarreled until everyone ignored each other.
One day, the rich owner finally couldn't open the door of the electronic lock, so he broke it open with a screwdriver without saying anything.
Then the electronic lock and the electronic key are discarded together.
He stopped believing in troublesome electronic locks and replaced them with traditional old-fashioned locks.
Electronic locks and electronic keys are a perfect match.
Because of their own opinions, they ended up like this. ...
Have you ever met a perfect match?
Have you ever trusted each other deeply?
Why did it end like this?
Is it just fate?
Have you really reflected?
Have you really thought about it?
Fate once bound you together, and you were a perfect combination.
We used to go in and out of each other's inner world freely.
Since then, we have a sophisticated electronic lock in our hearts?
When the heart is heavy and heartbroken, we will be loyal to ourselves to solve others;
A simple action, a simple words, will be a seamless perfect combination to blow up a fragmented;
Fate suddenly became a fragile trick. ...
We don't trust each other anymore!
It's not that the other party can't trust, nor that fate can't trust, but that we can't trust ourselves anymore.
Now, you can think about it. Is everything really God's will?
(17) The Story of Gecko
In Japan, a real thing happened:
Someone tore down the wall to decorate the house;
The walls of Japanese houses are usually covered with wooden boards in the middle and mud on both sides, but in fact they are empty inside.
When he pulled down the wall, he found a gecko trapped there. A nail hammered in from the outside was nailed to the gecko's tail.
When the man saw it, he felt very poor and curious. He looked at the nail carefully. Oh, my God!
That nail was nailed when the house was built ten years ago.
What the hell is going on?
That gecko has been trapped in the wall for ten years!
It's not easy to hide the wall for ten years. Isn't that right?
He went on to think, this kind of tail has been nailed to death. How did the gecko who couldn't get out survive this decade?
So he temporarily stopped the decoration project: "What does it eat?" He wants to find out.
Before long, another gecko came out of nowhere with food in its mouth … Ah!
He froze for a moment. What kind of feeling is this?
For the gecko that can't walk because of its tail, the other gecko has been holding food for ten years.
I was very moved after listening to it. I really didn't think about the relationship between them: parent-child, friend, opposite sex, brother …
With the popularization of computers in human society, people can get relevant information more quickly.
But is the distance between people getting closer and closer?
People should be useful, not just decent and bad for others. Excerpt from Peanut
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