Humorous stories about talking less

Tips: Don’t treat the corridor as a runway, and don’t treat games as judo. Queuing up like wild geese, walking softly like a kitten. Cherish the water of life and "live" every little thing. Keep to the right when going up and down stairs, and be gentle with yourself. Xiaocao smiled slightly and asked you to go around. Advertising words: An advertisement for a certain audio company - "One call and four responses!" An advertisement for a dumpling shop - "Everything is included!" An advertisement for a lime factory - "Start from scratch!" An advertisement for a pawn shop - "Well deserved! "An advertisement for a hat company - "Get people by their hats!" "An advertisement for a barber shop - "Nothing is lost!" Humorous stories and jokes: A rich man went to take an exam, and his father took the test beforehand, and he was very satisfied. I was sure to be admitted, but my son's name was not on the list. My father rushed to the county magistrate for comment. The county magistrate brought the scroll to check, and saw a faint layer of gray fog on it, but no words could be seen. As soon as his father came home, he scolded him: "Why are your examination papers so written that no one can read them clearly?" The son cried: "No one in the examination room sharpened the ink for me, so I had to write with a pen dipped in water on the inkstone. "A Collection of Lincoln's Humorous Stories ◎ One day, someone told Lincoln that a tax collector had just died and asked if he could take his place. Lincoln replied: "If the funeral home has no objection, I certainly will not object." ◎ Lincoln was born in a pioneer family. During the election campaign, he did not have a special car. At each stop, his friends prepared a plowing carriage for him, and he stood on the carriage and gave a campaign speech: "Someone wrote and asked me how much property I have. I have a wife. and a son, both are priceless treasures. In addition, I also rent an office with a table, three chairs, and a large bookcase in the corner. The books on the shelf are worth reading. I am both poor and thin. I have a long face and won’t gain weight. I really have nothing to rely on but you.” ◎ Once, Lincoln was polishing his own shoes when a foreign diplomat came up to him and said, “Mr. President, you are polishing your own shoes.” "Yes," Lincoln asked pretending to be surprised, "do you polish other people's shoes?" ◎ Once Lincoln was giving a speech, and suddenly, his assistant handed him a piece of paper with the following words: Two words "fool". Lincoln glanced at it and knew that someone was causing trouble. He was not angry, but smiled and said to the audience: "Gentlemen and ladies, I used to receive many notes that I forgot to sign. But this time I received a note that only had a 'signature' and There is no other note on the note." No one wanted to take the exam for a son from a wealthy family. His father took the exam beforehand and his score was very good. He was sure he would be admitted. Unexpectedly, his son's name was not on the list. My father rushed to the county magistrate for comment. The county magistrate brought the scroll to check, and saw a faint layer of gray fog on it, but no words could be seen. As soon as his father came home, he scolded him: "Why are your examination papers so written that no one can read them clearly?" The son cried: "No one in the examination room sharpened the ink for me, so I had to write with a pen dipped in water on the inkstone. ." The old lady was chanting Buddha. There was an old lady holding a few beads in her hand. While chanting Amitabha, Amitabha, she shouted: "Er Han, Er Han, there are too many ants on the pot. I hate it so much. Please bring fire to me." Burn them to death." Then he chanted: "Amitabha, Amitabha." Then he shouted: "Erhan, Erhan, help me remove the ashes from the bottom of the pot. Don't use your own dustpan. If you want to burn it, just ask your neighbor to borrow a dustpan. Remember, remember, "Amitabha, Amitabha" is a non-vegetarian monk. When the master saw that he was a monk, he asked: "Master, do you drink?" The monk smiled and said: "Drink a little wine, but I never eat vegetarian food." Someone complained to the county government: "You villain, tomorrow I lost my hoe. Please investigate." The county magistrate asked, "You slave! I lost my hoe tomorrow. Why didn't you report it yesterday?" The clerk next to him couldn't help but laugh. The county magistrate immediately concluded the case and said: "You must be the one who stole the hoe! What on earth did you steal it for?" The clerk replied: "I want to get rid of that idiot with a hoe." The old man was worried. There was an old man who was rich and noble, and had many descendants. On his 100th birthday, the house was crowded with birthday guests, but the old man was very unhappy.

Everyone asked him: "You are so blessed, why are you worried?" The old man replied: "I am not worried about anything. I am just worried that when I celebrate my 200th birthday, hundreds or thousands more people will come to congratulate me. Teach me how to celebrate my 200th birthday." Can you remember them one by one?" When Zheng Qiu was playing with his son outside the door, his neighbor jokingly said: "Father and son are of the same blood. Just look at your son and you will know that his face is exactly the same as mine. The man holding the child said, "Yes, you and this child are brothers born from the same woman. How can our faces be different?" There are two evil villains on the back. They all had malignant sores and asked doctors to treat them. The doctor looked at one, then the second, and pretended to be horrified and said, "His heart is worse, but it can be cured. Your heart is so bad that it has become rotten. How can I cure it?" Sparrow One day, the sparrow treated the birds to wine. It said to the kingfisher: "You are wearing such bright and bright clothes, naturally please sit at the upper table." Then he said to the eagle: "Although you are bigger, you are wearing dark and ugly clothes, so I have to sit at the lower table. "Yes." The eagle replied, "Why are you such a snobbish slave?" The sparrow replied, "Who knows that I, the sparrow, have a small heart and shallow eyes?" Asked a beggar: "Why do dogs bite you when they see you?" The beggar replied: "If I have good clothes and hats, the animals will respect me." The emperor dressed as a beggar and returned from the capital. , boasting to others that he saw the emperor. Others asked him: "What clothes does the emperor wear?" The answer: "Wearing a hat carved from white jade and a robe made of gold." Asked: "How can you bow when you are wearing gold robes?" The beggar asked him after hearing this He spat and said: "Haha, I really don't understand the world! Now that you are the emperor, who do you bow to?" Afraid of drowning in wine, the customer went into the store to buy wine. After drinking a glass, he said the word "dun" and kept talking. Someone else asked, "I think you drank too much. Are you afraid of having diarrhea, so why don't you squat in a hair pit to get out?" The man pointed at the wine glass and said, "No, I just want a ridge for me to climb up." I won’t drown in this thin water.” The owner of the hotel asked someone to write a sign for the shop. After the man finished writing, he drew a knife on it. The boss was surprised and asked: "What does drawing a knife mean?" He replied: "I want to use this knife to kill the water vapor in the wine!" A hotel that flattened the gourd set a rule: all guests who come to buy and drink wine , as long as the wine is sour, he will be tied to a wooden pillar for punishment. One day, a Taoist priest came into the shop carrying a big gourd. When he saw the man tied to the wooden pillar, he asked what the reason was. The boss replied: "He lied about my wine being sour, so I punished him." The Taoist priest said: "Please give me a drink and let me have a taste." The shopkeeper served the wine, but the Taoist priest only took a bite and ran away in a hurry. The boss was very happy because he didn't say the wine was sour, and hurriedly greeted him: "You forgot the gourd." The Taoist priest said as he ran away: "I don't want it, I don't want it anymore. You can keep it and flatten it to make a vinegar sign." A banner in Huizhou There is a family in the local area who has been involved in lawsuits with others for many years, and they are filled with resentment and boredom. On New Year's Eve, the three fathers and sons discussed: "Next year, we all have to say some auspicious words for the New Year, so as to wish us good luck in the coming year and avoid lawsuits." The sons said, "Dad, let me tell you first." The father said, "This year Okay." The eldest son said, "It's not bad luck." The younger son also said, "No lawsuits." They asked someone to write a banner with three sentences and 11 words, and put it up in the middle hall, and asked the family to read it aloud all the time. Chant it to bring good luck. Early in the morning on the first day of the new year, my son-in-law came to pay New Year greetings. He walked to the hall and looked up when he saw a banner. He read aloud: "This year is so unlucky. There will be no lawsuits." The father and son stamped their feet anxiously and kept saying: "Unlucky, unlucky!" A group of friends were sitting together, and suddenly someone farted. I didn’t know who it was. Everyone suspected someone and gathered to blame him. In fact, the man didn't fart, he didn't argue, he just laughed. Everyone asked: "What's so funny?" They replied: "The one who laughed at the fart followed everyone and scolded me." "Pay it off" every year. A man borrowed 6 taels of silver from someone, and agreed that the interest would be 5 cents for one or two months. The interest at the end of the year is 3 taels and 6 yuan. One year has passed, and the borrower asked the creditor to pay back 4 yuan in exchange for an IOU of 10 taels, and the creditor agreed. At the end of the second year, based on the calculation of 10 taels, the interest should be 6 taels. Since the man could not pay back, he asked for another 4 taels in exchange for an IOU of 20 taels. The creditor agreed again. At the end of the third year, the sum of 20 taels with interest and principal and interest was 32 taels. Since he could not pay it back, he asked for 8 taels in exchange for an IOU of 40 taels.

The creditor hesitated, and the borrower said angrily: "You are so heartless! The principal and interest of the money I borrowed from you are not counted clearly for each year, and the change has been recovered. Why aren't you happy?" Yellow Fish Afraid There is a fishmonger who picks yellow croakers and has a vigorous pace. A rich man liked his strong feet and hired him to lift them. Unexpectedly, he was walking very slowly while carrying the sedan chair. The rich man asked him strangely why, and the bearer replied: "The yellow croaker is afraid of the smell, so he has to go fast. What is my husband afraid of?" Before execution, a prisoner was to be beheaded according to the law. When the officer tied him up, he unbuttoned his shirt, slapped his chest with his hands, and asked him what he meant. He said, "I'm afraid I caught a cold. This is not for fun." Halfway through the officer's escorting him, he suddenly heard the crow of a crow. He tapped his teeth three times and chanted the sutra seven times. When asked what he meant, he said: "The crow's crow means there will be a quarrel. The purpose of knocking his teeth and chanting the sutra is to avoid quarreling with others." Finally, when it was time to ask for a knife, He then begged the executioner: "Please wipe the edge of the knife clean with rough paper. I heard that if the razor is not clean, I will get sores when I shave my head; if the decapitation knife is not clean, I will get sores in the future. "When will it be ready?" A Drunken Monkey Someone bought a monkey, dressed it in clothes and hats, and taught it the etiquette of kneeling down, which was very decent. One day, the host hosted a banquet for guests and asked the monkey to perform a bow and salute. Everyone thought it was very cute. A guest gave it some wine, and it got so drunk that it took off its clothes and hat and rolled all over the floor. Everyone laughed and said, "This monkey looks like a human being when he doesn't drink wine, but when he drinks wine, he doesn't look like a human being anymore." A criminal who was about to be sentenced to death heard that there was a fool somewhere, so he recruited him. He came and took out 100 taels of silver and said, "I'll give this money to you. Go buy good clothes and good food. Your wife and family will benefit a lot. After a while, the government will send officers to check people. Could you please let me know?" They'll tie you up and they'll let you go home after a few days." Seeing the bright lights on the table, the fool quickly agreed and took the money back. An elder in the neighborhood knew about it and hurriedly came to persuade him: "Return the money to him quickly. If you lose your life, what's the use of ten thousand gold?" The fool said: "With the money returned, I can live those difficult days by myself. It's really hard." Dementia." The old man sighed and left. A fool spends money, and the whole family is very happy. Not long after, official documents arrived calling the fool by name. The officers tied him to the execution ground and beheaded him. The fool then cried: "I regret that I didn't listen to others' advice, even today! But I also learned well today. This is the only time I will suffer!" There are two idiots with black teeth and white teeth, one has black teeth, and the other has black teeth. Born as white as snow; one tried every means to hide his black teeth, and the other tried every means to show off his white teeth. Someone asked Hei Ya's mother's last name. She pursed her lips tightly, puffed out her cheeks, and muttered in her throat: "Gu." When asked how old she was, she puffed her cheeks and answered, "15." Finally, she was asked if she had any age. What kind of skills did she have? She replied in her throat: "I know how to play drums." Others asked White Teeth ***'s last name, and *** opened her mouth and replied: "Qin." Asked how old she was, she again Opening her mouth, she replied: "17." When asked what she could do, she opened her mouth wide, exposing her white teeth, and said, "I know how to play the piano." The father, who boasted about his son, walked with his son. An acquaintance of the father met his son and asked, "Who is this?" "My son." Before going to a friend's house for a dinner alone, I was half drunk and my face was red. When I went to a friend's house for a banquet, I found that the wine tasted very light, and the more I drank, the more tasteless it became. I even woke up from the wine I drank, and my face turned red. After the banquet, he said to the host: "Your wine is very good, but please give me back my red face!" An old man who wanted to be his son was described as haggard and weak, but as long as he was said to be old, he would be annoyed. He is young and loves it endlessly. After one person knew about it, he deliberately took advantage of him and said: "Although your beard and hair are white, your face is as delicate and delicate as that of a child. It is also as fresh and delicate as my newborn baby's skin." The old man was overjoyed and said: "If your face can be so fresh and delicate, , I would like to be your son." From quick to slow, the teacher was very angry that the master did not invite him to drink. When the students came to the school to study, he quickly taught the poem: "Spring Outing in Fangcaodi." The student said. I reluctantly read along with tears in my eyes. However, he understood the teacher's intention and said: "Father" The teacher asked: "What does father do?" The student replied: "Buying meat." The teacher slowed down the teaching of the poem slightly: "Appreciating the green lotus pond in summer.

The student still couldn't follow, and the teacher asked again: "What does your father do to buy meat?" " Answer: "Please sir. "The teacher's anger gradually subsided, and he slowly taught the third sentence: "Drink yellow flower wine in autumn. He asked again: "When will you invite me?" ” Answer: “Just today.” The teacher was overjoyed and slowly and clearly taught the fourth sentence: "Winter chants a poem about white snow." "There was a man who was happy to take advantage of the skylight. When doing things for relatives and friends, he would always take the lead and ask everyone to pool money for a banquet. However, he would often hide his share and not pay, and would use the extra liquor money to line his own pocket. The king of hell hated him for being too conscientious. He was taken to the underworld and thrown into a dark cell to suffer. But as soon as the man entered the cell door, he shouted: "This room is so dark. There are several people here. Please collect money to open a skylight." So bright and bright. "(The proverb is "opening the skylight" for advocates of embezzlement and corruption who collect everyone's money.) There was a crazy son who often liked to say depressing words at the wedding banquet. One day, his brother-in-law was getting married, and his father took him to the banquet. The son just When he was about to speak, his father said: "In his family, getting married is a time of joy, so don't say depressing words. The son said, "I don't need to ask you to tell me. I understand: 'Marriage is not a funeral.' '" A man asked for a pig's head debt when he went out during the New Year. He encountered a bird dropping feces on his hat. He thought it was unlucky and wanted to sacrifice to the Bodhisattva to eliminate the disaster, so he owed a pig's head on credit to the butcher as a sacrifice. Not long after, the butcher saw him and said : "Zhutou has owed money for many days and should pay it. "The man replied: "I owe you for many days, but I have an analogy: If this pig doesn't give birth to a head, will you come to me to ask for money for the pig's head? The butcher said, "How can there be a pig without a head?" The man said: "Since this doesn't make sense, I have another point to say: If I paid back the money last year and you ran out of it, wouldn't there be no money left?" The butcher said: "You are even more ridiculous. If you had paid me back last year and used it, you would have saved me other money." The debtor lowered his head and thought for a while and said, "That doesn't make sense. I'll just make it clear to you. For example, if this bird droppings were sprinkled on your head, you would definitely sacrifice a pig's head to the gods to ward off disasters. Where would you get any money for a pig's head?" Woolen cloth? "The Opposite of Wind and Rain" A teacher liked to drink and often drank like crazy. Once, he occasionally asked the students to answer a word-"rain", and the students said "wind". He added three words: "urge" Flower rain. The student said to him, "You are drunk and crazy." "Five more words were added: "It rains in the garden. "The student said to him, "We often drink alcohol and go crazy at the banquet." The teacher said, "That's right, but you shouldn't talk about my husband's shortcomings. The student said: "If I don't change my ways, I will be your teacher's teacher." "Fart article" A scholar is very good at talking and is used to helping people with lawsuits. The county magistrate hates him very much and said: "Scholars should study behind closed doors with peace of mind. Why do they have to go in and out of the Yamen?" I think the article you wrote must be ridiculous, I will give you a test when I come up with a question. "While he was thinking about the topic, he suddenly farted, so he asked him to compose an essay on the fart title. The scholar immediately respectfully presented the text: "The teacher raised his golden gun high and let out a precious fart loudly, like the sound of silk and bamboo. It's so sweet, and the smell of musk orchid is so fragrant. It is a great honor for Xiaosheng to stand in the limelight. The county magistrate laughed and said: "This scholar can't write serious articles, but he can do fart articles extremely well." There is a cesspit for 10,000 people on the east street of this county. He was made to stand by the cesspool and smell the scent of musk and orchid every day, so that he would not disturb others when he had nothing to do. "Inexhaustible" A man asked the temple to stay at night and said: "I have things that will never be used by generations to give to your temple." "The monk was happy to let him stay and was very polite to him. The next morning, the monk asked what it was. The man pointed to a tattered curtain in front of the Bodhisattva and said, "Hey, take this thing apart and make a small lantern. Bangbang, how can we use it up for generations? "The mother of salted eggs. A and B ate salted duck eggs for the first time. A said in surprise: "The eggs I have eaten in the past are very bland. Why is this egg so salty? " B said: "Fortunately you asked me about this. Let me tell you, this egg was laid by a salted duck. " Wooden Wedge Stops Hungry A certain rich man was stingy and always gave his servant only half a full meal. One day when he was going on a long journey, the servant asked: "What if I get hungry on the way? The rich man found a rope and a wooden wedge and said, "Don't say you are hungry on the road, otherwise you will be laughed at." If you are hungry, I have a solution. Just say, "I'm feeling hungry," and I will stop you from being hungry. " After walking for a long time, the servant was very hungry and hurriedly followed the rich man's instructions. The rich man quickly took out a rope and tightened the servant's belly.

After walking not far, the servant shouted again. The rich man took out a wooden wedge and stuffed it into the rope. He found a brick and banged on the wedge. He said, "It's so tight, so you won't be hungry!" He couldn't walk a few more steps. , the servant shouted even more urgently, the rich man became furious, untied the rope, and the wooden wedge fell to the ground, saying: "You hungry slave, go and find someone else, I have such a good guy, I don't have to worry about it." People use it." Someone in my family often speaks in a humble way. One day, he entertained guests and was drinking wine when the moon rose. The guest said happily: "The moon is so beautiful tonight!" The man quickly raised his hand and said: "I don't dare! I don't dare! This is just a rough moon in my house." Several officials and robbers drank, ordered and composed poems. One has to use a poem to describe a person who has the same nature as a robber. One said: "The person who takes the lead in collecting money will open the skylight (the person who takes the lead in collecting money)." One person said: "Deceive people and harm others and ruin scholars." Another person said: "Four sedan chairs are coming and shouting." Everyone started shouting: "This is an official from the Yamen, how can he look like a robber?" The man replied: " You see, 9 out of 10 people sitting in a sedan chair are worse than robbers!" When the scholar was reviewing the case, a fool said: "I wish I had 100 acres of land." The neighbor said: " If you have 100 acres of land, I will raise 10,000 ducks and eat up all the rice in your field." The two quarreled and went to the government for review. When passing by the academy, I saw the high red wall and the gate tower. I thought it was the official residence, so I pulled him in. A scholar came out. They thought he was an official, so they rushed to talk about their own reasons. The scholar smiled and said: "One of you will buy a field first, and the other will raise ducks first. When I become an official, I will try this case." "I forgot about the Dragon Boat Festival. My husband didn't receive the boxing gift and asked the students why. The student asked his father and came back and said: "My father has forgotten." The teacher said: "I will fight you with the first couplet. If you don't agree, I will fight." The first couplet he wrote was: "The Han Dynasty has three heroes: Zhang Liang, Han Xin, and Yu Chi" "Mr." The student couldn't answer the second line and was afraid of being beaten, so he cried to his father. The father said: "There is a mistake in the pairing. Duke Yuchi is from the Tang Dynasty, not the Han Dynasty." The student reported to the teacher. The gentleman smiled and said: "Your father remembers things thousands of years ago very clearly. Why did he forget yesterday during the Dragon Boat Festival?" During the Southern Song Dynasty, there was a monk in Suzhou who drank and caused chaos. The state official ordered him to be arrested. , and sent a messenger to escort him to a remote place for punishment. The transportation was inconvenient and the dissatisfaction was resented. Therefore, the sticks were constantly used and the monks complained endlessly. A few days later, while staying at an inn, the monk wanted to run away, so he said something nice to the monk and then took out some broken silver and invited him to drink. Jie Chai, who was greedy for drinking, immediately took off the monk's shackles and drank to his heart's content. After a while, he was drunk and turned into a pile of mud. At this time, the monk found a razor, shaved Jie Chai's head, put sin clothes on Jie Chai, put shackles on him, and then escaped through the window. The next day, when I woke up from a drunken meal, I didn’t see the monk, so I became anxious. But when I looked at the prison clothes on my body, the shackles on my collar, and my head in the mirror, which was also bare, my worries turned into joy. He said to himself: "Haha, even if I don't think you dare to run away!" But after thinking for a while, he was stunned again: "Hey! The monk is here, where did I go!" Surgery is over

< p>Reference materials: Summary of some places on Baidu, because humor is also a way of language. One day, the king wanted to recruit a prince-in-law, and a problem came up. First, let the elephant shake its head, then let the elephant nod, and finally let the elephant jump into the pool. Here, you can become a prince-in-law. Many people came and went, but the elephant was very uncooperative and no one could do it. The king was very disappointed. Finally a beggar came and said I have a way. The king said: Well, just try it. . The man walked up to the elephant and said to the elephant: Do you know me? The elephant shook his head, and he said to the elephant: You are so handsome. The elephant nodded, and he stabbed the elephant in the chest with a knife. The elephant jumped into the pool, but the king didn't want a beggar to be his consort, so he said: No, I will stab you with a knife. *** You can also jump into the pool. Once you do this, the beggar will walk up to the elephant and say to the elephant: Do you still dare to pretend? The elephant shook his head and said to the elephant again: Now you know me. The elephant nodded, and then said to the elephant: Then you know what to do. The elephant immediately jumped into the pool. Modern jokes: 1. A dying man made a will to his wife: "After I die, I hope you can marry our neighbor Mr. Ed." The wife was puzzled, so he explained: "Two years Before, the cow that *** sold to me couldn’t produce milk at all, and now I want to let him taste the feeling of being cheated!” 2. Dad told Yuyu about how he often went hungry when he was a child.

After hearing this, Yuyu had tears in his eyes: "Uh, Dad, did you come to our house because you had no food?" Ancient joke: There was a cake seller who had a very hoarse voice. When someone asked him why, he said, "I "I'm hungry." He asked again, "Why don't you eat cakes if you're hungry?" He said, "It's sour." The father was drunk and vomited all over the ground when he passed by the door of Lu Shenzheng's house. The gatekeeper of the Lu family came over and cursed: "What kind of drunkard dared to vomit and urinate in front of my house!" Duke Xie raised his drunken eyes, squinted at the gatekeeper with contempt and said, "Is this the gate of your house?" It's in the right place, but it's facing my mouth!" The gatekeeper thought the drunkard's words were interesting, so he retorted with a smile: "My door has been built for a long time, how could it be built to face your mouth today?" The father pointed to his mouth and said: "My mouth is also old!" - "Ya Jie" by the owner of Fubaizhai in the Ming Dynasty. A dying man made a will to his wife: "After I die, I hope that Can you marry our neighbor Mr. Ed?" The wife was puzzled, so he explained: "Two years ago, the cow that this *** sold to me couldn't milk at all, and I want to let him taste it now. What a feeling of being cheated!” 2. Dad told Yuyu about how he often went hungry when he was a child. After listening, Yuyu had tears in her eyes: "Uh, Dad, did you come to our house because you had no food?"