Five hilarious jokes

A male teacher angrily said to a girl who was sleeping in class: I am so tired up there, but you are motionless down there! It’s fine if you don’t cooperate, you don’t even have any reaction. If you don’t have anything in your stomach in the future, don’t blame the teacher! As a result, the whole class fainted

1. One night, a naked man hailed a taxi. The female driver stared at him intently. The naked man was furious and shouted: You have never seen a naked man before. Man! The female driver was also furious: Let me see where you got the money from! ?

2. Male and female friends sleep in the same room, and the woman draws a line: those who cross the line are animals. When she woke up and found that the man had really failed to pass the line, the woman slapped the man hard: You are worse than a beast! ?

3. One day, Liu Hongtao met a foreign guest and came up to talk to him: I am Hong Tao Liu. The foreign guest said: I am still the Seven of Diamonds! ?

4. Zai Zai was repaired by his father. He ran to his mother to complain: "Mom, what will you do if someone hits your son?" Mom: "I will beat his son to take revenge!" Zai Zai: " ..." ?

5. An old lady is illiterate, but likes to listen to the radio. She must listen to the weather forecast every day. One day I asked my family during dinner: "I have a question. Do you know where the local area is? It rains almost every day." ?

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6. On the cliff A little mouse waved its short front paws, jumped down again and again, and tried to learn to fly. The female bat next to it looked at it and its head was bruised and bloody. She said worriedly: "Dad, if you don't tell it, it is not ours. biological! ?

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7. I went to Mount Taishan with my friends to watch the sunrise. A friend pointed at the sky and said, "I saw it!" "I saw it too!" At this time, it was far away. Someone came out with his pants up and cursed: "If you see it, you will see it! What are you shouting about!"?

1. Ghost: God, next time I am reincarnated, I want to be as white as an angel and have a pair of wings, but I still want to suck blood. ?

God: Then reincarnate yourself as Hushu Bao. ?

2. A friend was selling popsicles in the park during his first work-study program, and he was too embarrassed to shout. Suddenly, someone shouted: "Selling popsicles~~~~Selling popsicles~~". When the friend heard this, he was very happy and shouted: "Me too~~~~Me too~~~~". ?

3. Not long after the ant and the elephant got married, the elephant died. The ant cried bitterly while burying the elephant: "My dear, why did you go so early? I will bury you if I don't do anything else in my life!"?

4. A boy has a crush on a girl and musters up the courage to ask the girl what kind of boy she likes?

The "hot" girl answers, but the boy gets the same answer after asking the question several times?

The boy Discouraged, he said, "Can you do it if you have a flat head?" ?

5． One day, I was out of breath and chasing the last bus. As I chased, I shouted: Master! Master, wait for me~?

Suddenly a passenger stuck his head out of the car window and said to me slowly. : Wukong. Just stop chasing me?

6. One day I was taking a biology test, and one of the questions was to guess the name of the bird by looking at its legs. A certain student really didn't understand and angrily tore up the paper and prepared to leave the examination room. The invigilator was very angry and asked him: "Which class are you in and what is your name?" A certain student lifted his trouser legs and said: "Guess, guess."?

7. After the beautiful Mongolian actress finished her performance, the leader came to the stage to receive her. He took her hand and asked her for warmth. He refused to let go for a long time and asked kindly: What is your name? The actress replied excitedly, "Male Gebi. Songshou"?

8. A man bought a parrot that could only say two words, "Who?". One day, the owner was not at home, and a gas man knocked on the door. ?

Parrot: Who is it? ?

Answer: Gas changer?

Parrot: Who is it?

?

Answer: The gas changer?

......?

The master was lying down at the door when he came home. The master was wondering, who is this?

Inside the door: Gas changer?

9. A man saw a pile of stuff on the road, squatted down and smelled it, and said it might be poop. He touched some of it with his hand, put it in his mouth and licked it, and said, it was really poop. Fortunately, he didn't step on it! ~?

10. The doctor asked the patient how he had broken the bone. He replied: I felt there was sand in my shoes, so I shook my shoes against the telephone pole. I shook and shook... Someone thought I had been electrocuted, so he picked up a wooden stick and gave it to me. Two sticks. ?

11. A professor was teaching in the field: "Scientific research must not be afraid of getting dirty..." Then he squatted down, poked the cow dung on the ground with his finger, and then put his finger in his mouth and licked it clean. A classmate hurriedly said: "I'm not afraid of getting dirty..." Then he poked the cow dung on the ground with his finger and put it in his mouth to lick it clean. The professor said: "In addition, you must be good at observation. I just poked the dung with my middle finger, but I licked it." It’s the index finger.”?

12. In a certain public toilet, Mr. A was constipated and couldn't pull it out after a long time. At this time, another man, Mr. B, rushed in. As soon as he squatted down, he started to poop so smoothly. After hearing this, Mr. A said: "Man, I really envy you." Yeah, it’s so fun.” Mr. B said, “What’s there to envy? I haven’t taken off my pants yet...”?

13. A gentleman was practicing riding a bicycle when a pedestrian came in front of him. He panicked and shouted: "Stop! Stop!" The pedestrian stopped hurriedly. Unfortunately, a certain gentleman's riding skills were too poor and he still knocked down a pedestrian. The passerby got up and got angry: "You still told me to stop! You are aiming, right?"?

14. Beautiful sister, 2 years old. One day, I called her mother, and the little guy answered the phone. Out of politeness, I also wanted to say hello to her. "My dear, where is mom?" "Going to Huaguo Mountain!" "..." "My dear, what are you doing?" "Auntie, you are so funny, I wasn't calling you!" ?

My colleague’s son, 4 years old. Classic sentence: "When I was young..."?

15. There was a car accident on the road - a turtle trampled on a cow. The police are investigating the cause of the accident. Wo Niu: How did the turtle hit you? Wo Niu, who was hanging a cast, recalled in panic: I don't remember, he was too fast at that time! ?

16． A polar bear stayed alone on the ice in a daze. When he was bored, he started to pluck out his own hair. One... two... three... Finally, no hair was left. He suddenly shouted... It's so cold. ah! ! ………………?

17. My colleague's daughter is a little beauty. When she comes back from kindergarten, her mother will often ask her: "Beauty, has anyone called you that today?" The little girl actually sighed: "I guess they have seen me too much, that's all." Don’t you think I’m beautiful?

18. A couple gave birth to a little boy after contraceptive failure. As soon as the child was born, he clenched his fists and laughed non-stop. The nurse opened his fist. Found a handful of birth control pills inside, and then the little boy spoke: "It's not that easy for you two to kill me, hahahaha..."?

19. Two men went to play in the mountains. One of them accidentally slipped and fell off the cliff. The companion shouted anxiously: "Brother, how are you? Are you okay?". The man who fell only heard the reply: "I don't know. I’m still falling~~~~~”?

20. I also agree. A man was riding a bicycle without holding the handlebars. He held his hands on his chest. When a traffic policeman saw it, he said: Good hands! The man replied, Hello, comrades!?

21. The monkey asked the fox how to describe the elephant's fart in a song. The fox said: I miss Ku Juji so much. When the ant heard it, he said: "Fuck, I thought it was a power train."?

22. Two brothers were being chased by a tiger. The younger brother couldn't run anymore, so he said, "Brother, let's stop running and fight this beast to death." The older brother said, "Don't be ridiculous. I can't outrun it. As long as I can outrun you, that's fine." .

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23. Noodles was beaten by a steamed bun, so he went to his cousin Instant Noodles to seek revenge. When Instant Noodles saw the bean buns, he beat him up. When he came back, he said to Noodles: Don't worry, I beat all the shit out of him."

24. A fashionable woman walked onto the bus. When she saw an empty seat, she took out a tissue and wiped it violently. When she was about to sit down, she farted. A man next to her laughed and said: "I'm KAO, so damn "It's clean, and you have to blow it after wiping it"?

25. The penguin was bored, so he wanted to go to the North Pole to play with the polar bear?

We walked and walked for many years, and we are almost there. Suddenly I remembered that the gas at home was not turned off properly?

So I went back, walked and walked, and walked for many years. After turning off the gas, I set out again, and walked again and again, and walked for many years again?

Finally arrived at the door of the polar bear and knocked:?

——Polar bear! Come out to play! ?

Polar bear:?

—— Don’t play. ?

26. In junior high school, a certain mathematics teacher rolled up his sleeves and shouted loudly: Students, I’m going to change my shape...?

27. A judge looked sideways and tried three criminal suspects, A, B and C, on one day?

The judge said to A: "Did you steal the thing?"

B replied: " No"?

The judge was furious: "I didn't ask you. "?

C said: "I didn't say anything. "?

28. On the plane, the crow said to the stewardess: "Give me a glass of water." After hearing this, the pig said to the stewardess: "Give me a glass of water too!" After hearing this, the stewardess put the crow and the pig together. The pigs were thrown down from the plane together. The crow smiled and said to the pig: "Are you stupid? I can fly~~~~?

29. A rabbit walked into a store and asked the boss: Do you have carrots for sale here? My wife said: No. After a while, the rabbit came again and asked: Do you have any carrots for sale here? The boss said impatiently no! After a while, the rabbit came to ask again, and the boss finally couldn't bear it anymore: If you make trouble again, I will take a pair of scissors and cut off your ears! ?

After a while, the rabbit came again: Do you have any scissors for sale here? The boss said: No. The rabbit asked again: Do you have carrots for sale here...?

30. The devil caught the princess?

The devil said: Just scream, no one will come to save you! ?

Princess: Broken throat, broken throat! ?

No one: Princess, I’m here to save you! ?

Devil King: If you say Cao Cao, Cao Cao will be here! ?

Cao Cao: Demon King, what do you want me to do? ?

Devil King: Wow, I saw a ghost! ?

Ghost: Damn! was discovered. ?

Dang: Nonsense, who discovered me? ?

Who: None of my business! ?

Devil: Oh, my god!?

God: Who called me? ! ?

Who: No one called you! ?

No one: I don’t have one! ! ! ?

It is said that the Devil has suffered from schizophrenia since then. ?

31． A king wants to marry a princess and puts an apple on the princess' head. Whoever shoots it will have a chance to marry the princess. ?

The first man shot the apple and said, "I'm Robin." ?

The second man also shot the apple and said, " I'm Hou Yi"?

The third man accidentally shot the princess to death. He said: "I'm sorry..."?

32. A man was an intern in a mental hospital. Suddenly, a mentally ill patient chased him with a kitchen knife. The man turned around and ran away until he reached a dead end. He thought it was over. The patient said, "I'll give you the knife. It's your turn to chase him." Me. ?

33. The stewardess advised the passengers to wear seat belts?

“The last time the plane made an emergency landing, those who didn’t wear seat belts were all bruised from the fall.”?

Ask: “What about the ones who wore seat belts?” ?

Answer: “It’s okay, they are all sitting fine, just like living people.

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34. A new sculpture was built in a school - a girl holding a book in her left hand and a white dove in her right hand. The school leaders publicly called for names from the students in the school. There was an endless stream of replies, and one of them was the most vocal. : Reading is useless! ?

36. Boy and girl go shopping together?

Girlfriend: Ouch, my feet are so sore. ?

The boyfriend was very nervous: What happened? Did you step on a lemon?

37. The little bear asked the little white rabbit: "Are you losing hair?" The little white rabbit said: "No." Asked: "Are you really shedding hair?" The little white rabbit said: "Really not?" So the little bear wiped the butt with the little white rabbit.?

38. The little white rabbit went to the bakery: Boss, do you have 100 buns? Boss: No. The next day, the little white rabbit came again: Boss, do you have 100 buns? ?

No. On the third day, the little white rabbit came in: Boss, are there a hundred buns? Boss: I’m so sorry, but there are none?

On the fourth day, the little white rabbit came hopping: Boss, are there a hundred buns? Boss: Great! There are a hundred buns today! ?

Little White Rabbit: Great! ?

39. The father and son are taking the bus?

Son: Dad, when will it arrive?

Father: It will be there soon. >

Son: When will it stop?

Father: Stop when it arrives?

40. A man and a tiger were tied to two big trees. Above, there was a candle under the rope that tied the tiger, and it was about to burn the rope. If the rope was burned, the tiger would eat the person, but the person said a word and was not eaten by the tiger?

He said “Happy birthday! ! "The tiger blew out the candle...?

41. The wolf had just fallen out of love and passed by a hut while looking for food. He heard a man teach his child: "If you cry again, I will throw you away. After going out to feed the wolf, the child cried in the house all night, and the wolf stayed outside all night. When he got up in the morning, the wolf choked and said: Men, men are all liars! ! ! ?

42. The girl asked her boyfriend "What do you like about me?"?

The boyfriend was so pestered that he couldn't help but "I, I, I, I like you to stay away from me"?

43. On the first day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river. He caught nothing and went home. ?

The next day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river again, but still didn’t catch anything and went home. ?

On the third day, as soon as the little white rabbit arrived at the river, a big fish jumped out of the river and shouted at the little white rabbit: ?

If you fucking dare again? Use carrots as bait and I'll kill you! ?

44. A certain gentleman was flying for the first time. He was so scared that he didn’t dare to open his eyes. After 15 minutes, he opened his eyes, looked out the window, and shouted: "Oh, it’s flying so high, everyone looks like ants." Same.!"?

The neighbor said: "That's the ant, the plane hasn't taken off yet."?

45. My girlfriend sent me a text message: "Let's break up!" ?

After a while, I received again: "Sorry, the wrong message!!"?

46. Sanmao went to the hair salon to get a haircut and said to the hairstylist: Here I braid it. The hairstylist accidentally knocked out a piece of Sanmao's hair. Sanmao sighed and said, "Then let's do it in the middle." But the hairstylist accidentally lost another root.

Sanmao got angry: You really want me to have my hair disheveled? ?

47. Once upon a time, there was a gummy candy. After walking on the street for a long time, he suddenly said: My feet are so soft?

48. Man: Do you like me?

Female: Guess again.?

Male: Like it!?

Female: Guess again.?

49. A certain mental patient While writing something, the doctor asked: "What are you writing?"?

"Write a letter."?

"To whom?"?

"Me Ah."?

"What is it written?"?

"Idiot, how do you know if I haven't received it yet!?"?

50. On the other hand. .....while...?

Child: He is taking off his clothes and putting on his pants at the same time.?

Teacher’s comments: Does he want to take off his clothes? Or Do you want to wear it?

Title: Which?

Children: One of my left feet is injured. ?

Teacher’s comment: Are you a centipede? ?

Title: Continuously?

Children: After get off work, dad comes home one after another. ?

Teacher’s comment: How many fathers do you have? ?

Title: Sad?

Children: There is a ditch in front of my house. It’s sad. ?

Teacher’s comment: The teacher is more sad?

Topic: And?

Children: My mother is short, tall, fat and thin. ?

Teacher’s comment: Is your mother a Transformer? ?

Title: What are you looking at?

Children: What are you looking at? Haven’t you seen it?

Teacher’s comment: Don’t be too arrogant?

Topic: Prosperity?

Children write: Confession of Prosperity.?

Teacher’s comment: Don’t watch too many TV series!?

Topic: Tasty?

Children write: Tasty as hell.?

Teacher: .........?

Topic: Innocence?

The children wrote: It’s really hot today.?

Teacher’s comment: Are you so naive?

Topic: Sure enough?

The children said: Yesterday I eat fruit and then drink cold water?

Teacher’s comment: They are phrases and cannot be separated?

Title: First...and then...Example question: Eat first, then take a shower.?

Children: Goodbye, sir!?

Teacher’s comment: .............?

Title: What about?

Children: A train passes by, what about what about what about?

Teacher’s comment: I’ll forget about it if I die?