Do you have some classic jokes?

Absolutely let you laugh at the computer for ten minutes.

1 The bowl fell off, and it was a big scar.

At a literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: Please enjoy the following: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy! ! ! ! !

Tigers don't send cats, you think I'm dying!

When I was in high school, the classroom discipline was very chaotic. The teacher picked up XXX in a rage and said, XXX, stand on the wall for me! ~ ~ The whole class is cold!

Me: That's our physics teacher. . .

Classmate: What do you teach?

Me: Chemistry. . .

In the Internet cafe, a classmate suddenly raised his hand and shouted, "Teacher!" "

One person in our dormitory drank too much urine and then brought out a cold sentence: too much urine and too much wine.

8 buy oranges, boss: 1 yuan 5 1 kg. Me: It's too expensive, five yuan and three Jin. Boss: no, no.

My friend asked me about the computer configuration, and I said that the monitor is a color screen. (I was going to say LCD)

10's high school classmate (a boy) walked into the noodle restaurant and shook his hair. It was cool: "Boss, no onion rice noodles!" After that, I added: "More rice noodles!" Boss: ". . . . Do you want rice noodles or onions? "

1 1 once a classmate's mother called in the dormitory.

I am used to saying "he is not in", but this time I want to say "he is out"

The result is: "He's gone ..."

12gg handed me a sorbet, and I took a bite and shouted, "It's burning me!" "

13 and my sister went to Li Ning to buy shoes. My sister said, "Miss, how much are these shoes?"

/kloc-go home at school on the 0/4 weekend. After dinner, he became addicted to cigarettes and planned to go for a walk on the pretext. When changing shoes at the door, my father asked me why I wanted to go. I casually said, "Go have a cigarette!" As a result, my father found a pack of 555 from me and gave me a good K.

15, the leaders of the Education Bureau check the exercises between classes. After the end, the PE teacher should have announced "dissolution", but in a hurry, he forgot his words and held back for a long time, shouting "retreat!"

16 There was a teacher surnamed Jiang in high school, who looked like (the Tang Priest in a Chinese Odyssey). I went to ask him a question and blurted out, "Teacher Tang, this question ..."

17, a teacher probably played mahjong all night. Seeing that the blackboard had not been wiped, he was furious: "Who is the farmer today?" Don't clean the blackboard! "

The teacher 18 left homework, so I copied others' homework if I couldn't do it. Then I went to the office to hand in my homework and saw the teacher say, "I copied it!" " "

19 once, we went to Huangshan Mountain for a tour, and the tour guide just introduced that the 100-step ladder is in Liu Xiaoqing & lt>. Suddenly, a member of our group blurted out: "Director …" Everyone fainted.

I quarreled with my mm mobile phone, and she turned up the TV. I was very angry and said loudly, "Turn off my phone!" " "Now that I think about it, it's cold!

2 1 A classmate from my dormitory's high school called. He said who to look for, I said I wasn't there, and then he said thank you.

Someone came to menstruation's house before, and just came in. It happened that my aunt was going to the bathroom. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "Sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!" " "

Before 23, I was obsessed with online games and often killed in Internet cafes. After the semester, I went home with a group of friends, and the train was about to leave, but we haven't found the platform yet. I suddenly said, "MD, why isn't there even a coordinate here?" ~ "The elder brothers burst into laughter after hearing this ~ ~

When I was in college, a classmate argued with me, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. In desperation, I got up and shouted: You talk nonsense, I'm not stupid!

When I was 25 years old, popsicles and ice cream were usually sold on bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: New ice cream is selling well. (It is estimated that Auntie used to sell fried dough sticks. )

When I was in college, I went to Hengshan to play. I was halfway up the mountain. I was so tired that I just wanted to have a rest when I saw an Obasan buying souvenirs by the roadside. I went up and asked, "Wife ..."

One day I went to my classmate's house for dinner and drank some wine. Her father suddenly came in. He wanted to call uncle, but he made a mistake and said, "Dad, come and sit down!" " "~ ~ cold! A bunch of classmates laughed to death.

My colleague had a quarrel with someone and opened his mouth in a hurry. "Do you think I grew up eating?" I've always wondered what he grew up eating. "

29 ktv once, order songs, a mm shouted: Give me a stick to cut "Double Jay" every week. ......

I spit in your face with shit!

3 1 Once I went to a restaurant to eat, the food was too salty. The classmate called the boss and asked, "why is yours so salty?" How much salt did you put in? "

One day at work, a female colleague said to a male colleague, let's have a dirty joke.

Gay theory, I am the hoe, and you are the afternoon. .

Psychologist: You once thought you were Diana, but now you have got rid of this illusion and recovered.

Patient: Thank you very much! Please send the list of treatment fees to Prince Charles.

Patient's wife: Doctor, help! My husband has a public injury and always thinks he is an elevator.

Psychiatrist: Bring your husband here and we'll treat him right away.

Patient's wife: I can't carry him. He said he was a high-speed elevator, and this floor went straight.

Introduce the teacher's appearance. It should be "teacher's face" and occasionally written as "teacher's paw face". Our Chinese teacher is going crazy.

My classmate XXX and I went out to play by bike, and his valve core was broken, so I took mine out and put it on him, and we rode home happily together.

The sports meeting 100m finally started, and the students ran out like wild dogs.

The PLA uncles crawled forward one by one, just like green bugs crawling on the ground.

6. "I was in the classroom because of illness ..." "My brother shaved his head newly, just like the little bald donkey in Shaolin Temple ..."

7. The Great Wall is very long. It's fucking long.

8. Colorful flags float on the playground. Men and women throw darts. One dart for you and one dart for me. Intestines and stomach are flying all over the sky!

9. When I was in primary school, I used to write about good deeds. So people always write down money. So, in order to exaggerate their achievements, someone wrote in the park and found that 1 100 million yuan was 10 yuan, which was as thick as a document (level 4). The teacher read it out on the spot, and the students estimated that it was extremely cold.

10. The old lady took out four 500 yuan RMB.

1 1. "I have a classmate who is neither tall nor short, 1.76 meters above, 1.78 meters below ..." My junior high school classmate's work. ...

12. Classic sentence, everyone has written: Today the weather is really good, Wan Li is clear, and there are white clouds floating in the sky. ...

13. The primary school teacher wrote a semi-propositional composition: "My xxx". As a result, my classmate's composition topic is "My Comrade Qiu".

14. When I was young, I kept a diary, and the teacher stipulated that it should be more than 200 words. At that time, a team leader came to check the number of words. A man in my group wrote: "My mother asked me to go out to buy food today. I asked how much it was a catty, and the vegetable seller said 5 points. I said, "It's really cheap, it's really cheap, it's really cheap ..." The number of team leaders was short by four words, so everyone.

15. My teacher is a little fat, with a big head, big eyes, a big nose and even a big mouth. ..... This teacher is very friendly to people. He wears a pair of color-changing glasses, like a giant panda. ...

16. "A red sun reflects the morning sun ... As pupils in the new era, we know that Beijing is close to the capital ..."

17. Do you remember the tadpole looking for his mother in primary school? At that time, the teacher asked us to imitate this and write a composition about * * * ... A classmate wrote this: My mother has a white belly and bulging eyes ...

18. I once peeked at a girl's composition. The coldest thing is that if I become a nurse in the future, I will treat patients like a lover.

19. A sister's nephew made a sentence with "brand-new", "a brand-new vegetable was born" ... (thanks to Zhao Benshan).

20. I came to the TV and turned it on!

2 1. This classmate wrote: "Guoqiang (one of my classmates) is sitting on a stool with a butt as big as a pumpkin in the field, and a large piece of underwear is exposed under his clothes." The teacher read it out in class and said that the classmate described it vividly. After class, this classmate was beaten by him. ...

22. When I was in the third grade, I was replaced by another teacher. We were asked to write about a corner of my home. So I wrote: My corner is beautiful, round and bright, and it is a toilet.

23. On an opaque night, the tadpoles in the pond are basking in the sun!

24. Diary-Day 1: Today, I went to my mother's office and had a good time.

The next day: I went to my mother's office yesterday and had a good time.

Day 3: Today, I remembered that I went to my mother's office the day before yesterday and had a good time.

25. Classmate's famous sentence: geese baa and fly over; The round moon is like a bow.

26. The teacher asked us to make sentences with the word "sure enough". My deskmate wrote: I haven't bathed for three months, and I really stink.

27. When I was in primary school, I heard that wild donkeys run fastest, so I compared a classmate to "He runs faster than wild donkeys". Later, the teacher said I shouldn't write like this, so I wondered why I couldn't. ...

28. I walked into a department store. Ah, it seems that people's living standards have really improved. Look at the old farmer, with a refrigerator in his left hand and a TV in his right, trotting away.

29. My classmate's content is probably: Once I was ill, he gave me a tutorial rain or shine. It was raining cats and dogs that day and it thundered. I thought he wouldn't come, but he came in the rain ... The next day, he died of a high fever. I will always miss this good friend.

30. There is a reading question on the primary school Chinese test paper, to the effect that a mother suffered a lot for her children and finally died. After reading, ask the students to say a few words to their mother in Tomb-Sweeping Day one year later. A pupil wrote: "I wish my mother Tomb-Sweeping Day happiness, happiness as the East China Sea and longevity as the South Mountain!" .

Call 1 19 first.

Me: Hello, is this 1 19? If you are angry, will you really come to save you?

1 19: You have to believe us, this is a national mechanism and will definitely come.

Then dial 1 10.

Me: Hello, do you put out the fire?

1 10: Comrade, do you know that it is a crime to make emergency calls indiscriminately? (pa pa, hangs up the phone)

Then 1 19

Me: Excuse me, as long as you are angry, you will save them, right?

1 19: Comrade, that's for sure.

Me: Just now 1 10' s comrade lost his temper. Please go and save him.

1 19: Comrade, you are breaking the law, do you know? ()

Then 1 10

Me: Someone threatened me and I called the police! ! !

1 10: Make things clear!

Me: 1 19' s operator just threatened me that I broke the law!

Comrade, you ...

So 120

Me: Is this the emergency center?

120: Hello, this is 120 emergency center. what can I do for you?

Me: I called 1 10 just now, and the operator was probably angry. Please help! ! !

120:……

Then I heard the public phone "tick, tick, tick ..." ...

● When I was a child, I listened to Xintianyou: "I bowed my head to the ravine" and always thought it was "my head in the ravine".

"Wait once in a thousand years, wait once-"Someone heard: "A thousand years of female ghosts, a thousand years of female ghosts-"

The closing song of Super Variety: "Goodbye, goodbye, meet in front of the color screen …" sounded like "Meet in the morgue …" Later, it was estimated that the audience had too much opinion and changed it to "Meet in Applause".

Remember Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck? The title says, "Ah, the show has started!" " After listening for a long time, I always thought he said, "Ah, wild boar shit!"

"Jigong" sang: "Where there is injustice, there is no me." That's right. Where there is injustice on the ground, there will of course be a "nest"!

● The phrase "always keep your eyes open" in Descendants of the Dragon was incomprehensible at first, but it always sounded "forever and ever, two years away". I've been wondering why it has to be two years later.

How many good sisters do you have? There is a saying, "Why does every girl marry a tear?". How should I listen? It is "why every girl should marry a human"!

My high school classmate told me that when he was a child, he listened to "The Red Sun on the Border" as "The Red Sun in Transformers"! At that time, he didn't know what the "border region" was, but he remembered it clearly. Every evening, he can see the red sunset in the west of the village. The most terrible thing is that there is a transformer high in the west of their village. At night, he happened to see a red sun on the transformer. So my classmates have been puzzled: why do songwriters know that the transformer in their village is in the west?

● In Andy Lau's China People, "How many dreams have been hidden in five thousand years" sounds like "How many dreams have been hidden in Jacklyn Wu". Strange, maybe they have one. ...

"The most romantic thing I can think of is to grow old with you", which sounds like "The most romantic thing I can think of is to sell computers with you ..."

When I was a child, I learned to sing the theme song of "A Smart Rest" with TV (Japanese). When I overheard it, I sang "Geji, Geji, Geji, Aunt Wash the Spitoon ..."

"Learn from Lei Feng, set a good example ... stand firm, and the beans will smell sweet ..." Why do the beans smell sweet when they stand firm? Because beans are patriotic. I've always understood it this way.

● "... Our motherland is a garden, and the flowers in the garden are really bright. The warm sunshine shines on us, and everyone laughs ... "The last two sentences were heard when I was a child," The sunshine in Henan shines on us, and Americans laugh ",which has been suppressed for many years. ...

When I was a child, I heard someone sing, "We sat by the high urn and listened to my mother's stories about the past ..." I felt terrible. I didn't know the lyrics until high school: "... beside the grain pile ..."

Listen to Jordan chan's new album "Hug, Hug". The style has changed and it is very gentle. After listening to all the way, I suddenly heard Jordan chan sing "Little Beast" frequently. Be more careful, yes, the whole sentence seems to be "let the world call it a little beast" Didn't it change to yuppie? Is there a problem? Only after reading the lyrics did I know: "I can make the whole world laugh!" " Alas!

● There is a song that I still think is "A Group of March 8th Dances". Do you know which song it is-"Forget the samba".

Have you ever heard Jacky Cheung sing "The ending is not the result I want"-"... The ending is not the result I want ... The person waiting at the window is not me ..." My friends and I listened to it many times and thought that "the person waiting in the toilet is not me ..." I didn't understand.

Another time, I heard that "... the goose heard my song, and the river kissed my face ..." Just as "the uncle listened to my song and the boy kissed my face." Dizzy!

● Later, I heard my roommate sing a single love song: "... love should be more frustrated and brave ..." Listen to it "... love should be braver ..."

● "Make me sad or drunk ..." in the theme song of Richie Jen's The Condor Heroes always hears "Yang Guo is sad or Yang Guo is drunk ..." Hey! Why do you always have a problem with the hero? ! !

Do you remember the Hometown Clouds written by ChristianRandPhillips-"... ghosts come, ghosts come ... (Come back, come back)"? At first glance, I was really shocked.

Listen to May's sisters, a classmate from the countryside said, "... you are my sister, you are my baby!" " After listening for two days, I finally spoke: "How does this woman sing? Why my sister's and my uncle's? ? "

When I was in junior high school, a classmate listened to A Zhe's flood of love and asked me doubtfully, "Why did he sing' Promise me you won't line up in the middle of the night'?"

When I first listened to Tong Ange's Ye Lian Girl, I heard "... wild donkey, mysterious wild donkey ..." I thought for a long time!

When it comes to unclear articulation, Jay Chou is the first. He hummed: "Little bitch, little bitch, little bitch, little bitch ..." I sang along as soon as I heard it, and I didn't know my brother was singing "Jay Chou, Jay Chou, Jay Chou ..." Someone called himself a little bitch?

● Another one, which has nothing to do with lyrics, is an advertisement. Have you seen Sofitel Cecilia Cheung slimming advertisement? Cecilia Cheung walked out gracefully with her hands around her waist, and two beautiful women beside her watched with envy. Beauty Zhang said, "Why not use Sofitel?" I heard, "Why not hold it in your hand?" I think Beauty Zhang thinks his waist is too thin and he is afraid of breaking it, so I told everyone to hold it with their hands and be careful not to break it! It took me a long time to communicate with my friends before I knew the truth. Everyone laughed!

Jay Chou's "The Last Battle" has "I will accompany you" and all he hears is "I am sneezing"

Then I thought, "My nose is running."

There is also the "inexplicable words" in Jolin Tsai's "Chivalry". I heard that it is "inexplicable pregnancy".