The longest joke in the world

1, I am a self-taught actor, especially for all kinds of animals! For example, play the lamb in front of the wife, the pug in front of the leader, and the slacker in front of colleagues. Marriage is a military coup in which the protagonists are the two most important women in life. My mother is in charge before marriage, and my wife is in charge after marriage. Do you know what animal is the most hypocritical? Tell you what! Women are the most hypocritical animals. Before they get married, they talk to you about their ideals. They talk about money with you after marriage. At home, they talk about daily necessities. Talking about clothes and cosmetics in other men's arms. I am a courageous and resourceful person before the leader. In front of my friends, I am a talkative person. In front of my mother-in-law, I am an honest, clever, filial and sensible person. When I return to my wife, I will get a strange disease immediately: facial paralysis. Someone wanted to talk to me about philosophy and life, and I smiled. Yours, do you know what philosophy is and what life is? Don't talk nonsense if you don't know. When you take off the bill, you will understand that the wife's mouth is philosophy and the washboard in the bathroom is life. 6. there are temptations everywhere in life, such as the temptation of officialdom, the temptation of shopping malls, the temptation of discs, the temptation of short skirts ... people who can withstand the temptation are even rarer than giant pandas. There are many ways to lure women to bed, such as diamonds, money, famous brands, perfume, status ... If you still can't succeed, please add ecstasy! 7, women are made of water, baby girls are made of distilled water, spotless; The girl is made of mountain spring water, sweet and delicious; Miss is made of sewage, which is harmful to people; The heroine is made of yellow river water, and the color is a little yellow; Lin Daiyu is made of rain. A sister Lin fell from the sky! @ Li 8. As a leader, I never dare to talk more. Xiao Li, a subordinate, came to my house to play last month. I casually said: "There is no air conditioning at home, and it is hot, so I smiled." The next day, Xiao Li decorated five air conditioners for me! Last week, I saw Lao Zhang having lunch in the office. It's fried fish I said casually, "Oh, it smells good." That night. Lao Zhang gave me a box of fresh fish. Yesterday, I met Xiao Wang and his daughter-in-law shopping. I casually praised two sentences: "Oh, Xiao Wang, your daughter-in-law is so beautiful!" "That night, I was at home and suddenly heard someone knocking at the door. When I opened the door, Xiao Wang's daughter-in-law stood at the door and saw me smiling: "Leader, Xiao Wang said that my sister-in-law is not at home, let me accompany you! "9. The teacher called Xiao Ming to the office teacher:" Look at other people's foreign children, respect teachers more, be more active and active in class, and look at you. It's like no one buried it in class! I didn't even hear roll call. Xiao Ming: Teacher, do foreign students go to school at five o'clock in the morning? Do they have exams every month? Will they call their parents if they fail in the exam? Do they deduct the teacher's grades? "Teacher:" I can't control you, can I? "Go back and call your parents." 10, Xiaoli, the goddess of love and marriage, is a natural beauty and a model goddess. Boys have a lot of secret admirers. However, seeing Xiaoli so cold and unreliable, no one dared to chase her. The goddess is becoming less and less confident, wondering if she is too ugly. As a result, she found an ugly man as her boyfriend! Xiao Feng is an ugly girl, short, with a big mouth and a crooked mouth. The boy diaosi thinks that if he can't catch up with the goddess, he will chase an ugly girl. So more and more boys chase after ugly girls, and ugly girls are more confident, thinking that I must be particularly beautiful. As a result, no man can look down on me. As a result, Xifeng today is 1 1. Before marriage, man: woman: "Yes, but you have to buy me beautiful clothes." After marriage, the wife: "Honey, how about slapping tonight?" Husband: "No, shall I buy you beautiful clothes tomorrow?" 12. Before giving birth to his grandson, Li Laohan spent all his pension. After giving birth to his grandson, all his pension is to buy milk powder for his grandson, without a penny left! Before giving birth to a grandson, Li Laohan smoked, drank, danced and played chess before giving birth to a grandson. Before giving birth to his grandson, Li Laohan talked with his old buddies about state affairs and celebrities in ancient and modern times. After giving birth to his grandson, Li Laohan talked with his old friends about Pleasant Goat and Xiong Er 13. As a manager, I deeply feel that the current secretary is really bad! Yesterday, I assigned an important job to my beautiful secretary. She worked until the evening. I asked her if she had finished it. She winked at me and whispered, "Leader, there is no one now. I can let you do it. Come on, any posture will do. " As soon as I heard this, I was annoyed on the spot. I'm the manager. Why should I work? I don't want to do any posture, whether sitting or standing! 14, my brother-in-law secretly borrowed all my private money of 5000 yuan, and said several times that he wanted to pay it back, but he didn't pay it back, but I didn't dare to ask for it for fear that his daughter-in-law would know. My brother-in-law came to my house yesterday. I turned on the TV and pointed to the biography of Zhen Huan in the TV series, pointing to the word Zhen Xuan. I asked my brother-in-law, "Brother, how do you pronounce these two words?" Brother-in-law: "Zhen Xuan!" Me: "Really? You are still, 5000! " Brother-in-law tore open his throat: "Brother-in-law, what do you want me to return?" Me: "shh ~ shh ~ I don't want it, ok?" @ DYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDY19999999 Looking at the bright kitchen knife in his wife's hand, the husband said, "Your legs are long, of course." The wife nodded with satisfaction and put down the knife in her hand: "Really? How long? " Husband: "Half and half." Wife: "If my legs are so long, then I am not the tallest person in the world?" Husband: "I said circumference." When the knife falls, the husband dies. 16, shit: "Dude, I'm going to Korea." Pee: "Why go?" Bullshit: "plastic surgery." Pee: "Why?" Shit: "Look at me now. I personally don't like it. A few years ago, a group of my buddies came back from plastic surgery. Now they are very popular. Many people lick it! " "Pee:" Really? "Shit:" Of course, but everyone has become arrogant since the plastic surgery. They ignored me and changed my name, so I'm going to have plastic surgery and change my name. "urine:" really! Change to what? "Shit:" Like them, change ice cream! " "Urine:" ... "@ biao521ge17 Student: Teacher, didn't you say that we should have indomitable spirit? Teacher: Is that why you gamble? @ Hell 18, I made an appointment with my sister to open an hourly room. Sister said, handsome boy, you are so handsome, drive for three hours! I thought about it and whispered, sister, we must have a correct view of consumption and save everything. If I drive for an hour, I may waste 55 minutes. Why drive for three hours? ! @ Li 65438+ The second game: The United States sent Raytheon, and the Jade Emperor sent Leigong. Thor was about to summon lightning with a sledgehammer when Lei Gong sneezed. Thunder killed him and China won. Game 3: The US sent Spider-Man to challenge, and the Jade Emperor sent Pleiadian officials to battle. Just as Spider-Man was about to spit out spider silk and entangle the Pleiadian official, he was pecked into his stomach by the big chicken mouth of the Pleiadian official, and China won again. Scene 4: The Hulk was sent by the United States. Before the Jade Emperor could send someone to fight, the Hulk was magnified by Altman, who was visiting China, and was killed with one sword. The fifth game: the US sent the black widow and the Jade Emperor sent Pig Bajie. The black widow put on a good posture with her arms around her. Before she could start work, she was suddenly pressed by Pig Bajie, stripped naked and forced to ask the husband and wife. The black widow obeyed the pig's service and finally surrendered to the Chinese side. The United States has not given up and wants to talk about the South China Sea. As a result, it saw Guanyin sitting next to the jade emperor, scared out of her wits and fled!