What are the classic jokes that guarantee laughter?

1. Snakes, ants, spiders and centipedes play mahjong at home. After eight laps, I finished smoking. Let's discuss who to buy cigarettes for. The snake said, I have no feet. I'm not going. Let the ants go. The ant said: A spider has eight feet, more than mine. Let the spider go. The spider said: I can't beat the centipede with more feet. Release the centipede. The centipede was helpless, thinking: No way, who let me have more feet? So centipede went out to buy cigarettes. For more than an hour, the centipede didn't come back. Two hours later, the centipede didn't come back to buy cigarettes. So everyone let the spider go out and have a look. As soon as the spider went out, he saw the centipede sitting at the door. The spider was very angry and asked, why don't you go? Everyone is waiting. The centipede was also anxious and said, nonsense! You have to wait for me to put on my shoes!

One night, when a young woman passed by a mental hospital, there was a sudden "wow" behind her. The woman turned her head and saw a naked man chasing her. The woman began to run in fear, and the man behind her followed. No, there's a dead end ahead. Desperate, the woman knelt on the ground and cried and begged, "Whatever, just don't kill me." The man smiled cunningly and said, "Really? Then you start chasing me now. "

There is a madhouse. One day, the dean wanted to see how many people had recovered. Ask the nurse to draw a door on the wall. I saw all the patients crashing into the wall crazily. The dean was disappointed. Suddenly he saw that only one patient was indifferent. The dean was very happy and ran to ask him, "don't you want to go out with them?" The patient replied, "these idiots, I have the key here!" " "

4. In a mental hospital, two people are talking: "What about my novel?" "Yes, there are too many people." Then the nurse shouted to them, "Hey, you two put the phone book back quickly."

Some people are good at using laptops. After listening to friends say that the mouse is better than the trackball, they borrowed one from their friends and tried it at home. For no reason, he electrocuted his friend. A: The mouse is more difficult to use than the trackball, so it only moves a little after sliding for a long time, and the buttons are on the back, which is very inconvenient. ...

6. A warship is sailing at sea. One night, a sailor suddenly noticed a little light in the distance. He immediately reported to the captain, "Tell the captain that there is a ship coming towards us not far away. If we don't change our course, we will hit it! " 」

Hearing this, the captain immediately shouted "Whoo! This is the captain, please move your ship and channel to the east immediately 10 degrees! The other party replied: "Hoo hoo! Please move west 10 degrees! Captain: I am a warship. Don't you dare ask me to move! The other party immediately said, "Kao! I am a lighthouse. Why don't you fight if you can? 」

7. The spider was very dissatisfied with the engagement of the bee and asked her mother, "Why should I marry the bee?" "The spider's mother said," Bees are a little noisy, but at least they are stewardesses. The bee was also very dissatisfied, so she asked her mother, "why should I marry a spider?" "Mother bee said," Spiders are ugly, but people are at least engaged in the Internet. "

Spiders and bees were very happy at first after they got married. The bee said: Oh, great, I can eat meat. The spider said, ah, yes, I can taste honey. Later, we always quarreled, and the bee said, if you don't go out all day, you will know how to get rid of your broken orchid!

Spider said: Go out for a walk all day, and all the cosmetics are gone!

Finally made up, but: bees always complain: you are too closed, always stay in your own network, can you get online and communicate with spiders outside? Spider sighed: well, you don't know, the company has restricted it and really can't access the external network.

8. American soldiers received a reward order from Bush: if an Iraqi soldier is caught, he will get100000 dollars! So Michelle and Yuri began to search near Baghdad. After several days of hard work, they were exhausted and fell asleep on the ground. When Michelle woke up, she found that they were surrounded by more than 500 armed Saddam Hussein and his guards. He quickly woke Yuri up and shouted, "Get up, we are rich!" " "

9. A farmer's daughter was too ugly to marry, so the farmer had to let her go to the corn field to be a scarecrow to scare crows. As a result, when she got there, she not only scared away the crows, but even scared three crows to send back the corn they had stolen before.

10. An international student in the United States wants to take an international driver's license. Because I was so nervous during the exam, I saw the marking on the ground turn left. He asked uneasily, Turn left? The invigilator replied: Yes. So he turned right at once. I'm sorry he can only come next time.

1 1. If someone studies English hard, he will achieve something. One day, I accidentally bumped into a foreigner in the street and said, I'm sorry. Foreigners should say, I'm sorry, too After listening, someone said, I'm sorry, three people. The foreigner was puzzled and asked, What are you sorry for? Some people have no choice but to say, I'm sorry.

12. The little white rabbit and the blind bear were walking in the forest and accidentally kicked over a jar. An elf came out of the pot and said that he could satisfy their three wishes. The blind bear said, turn it into the strongest bear in the world. Its wish has come true. The little white rabbit said, give it a small helmet. Its wish has also come true. The blind bear said, turn it into the most beautiful bear in the world. Its wish has come true again. The little white rabbit said, give it a bike. Its wish has come true again. The blind bear said, turn all other bears in the world into bitches! The little white rabbit got on the bike and said as he ran, turning the bear into a homosexual.

13. In Chinese class, the teacher called a sleepy classmate to answer questions. This classmate is in a daze and can't speak. The teacher said helplessly, "Will you?" I won't scream either! Classmate: "Cheep." "The teacher is sweating.

14. A boss finished drinking, whistled and drove his beloved Mercedes-Benz 600 onto the expressway, very happy. At this time, he found an agricultural tractor parked by the roadside and another person waving. So he stopped the car. It turned out that the tractor broke down on the road and I wanted to find someone to help tow it away. The boss was very happy today and agreed. At the same time, two people agreed that if the tractor turns on the right turn signal, please continue driving. If the tractor turns left, please stop. Then, the boss drove the Mercedes-Benz 600 and tractor on the road. Suddenly, a BMW overtook them from behind at breakneck speed. When the boss saw it, he was very angry and shouted, "No one dares to surpass me in Mercedes-Benz 600!" So, he immediately hung up the high-end, stepped on the gas pedal and ran to let BMW catch up. I forgot to drag a tractor behind me because I drank wine. The boss soon caught up with BMW. Just as they were racing at a speed of 280 miles per hour, a traffic policeman on the roadside found it was too late to stop them. He quickly took out his walkie-talkie and contacted the policeman in the next section: "Hey, hey, I found two cars speeding, one is BMW and the other is Mercedes-Benz 600."

15. Is your talking parrot still alive? Oh, forget it. I didn't expect to die after raising it for a week. Did you die of illness? No, it competed with my wife until she died of exhaustion.

16. An ant saw an elephant coming towards it. It buried itself in the soil, but only one faded. The rabbit asked him why, and he said, shh, don't make any noise, I killed that Guri!

The next day, the rabbit saw an elephant burying itself in the ground with only one leg exposed, so he asked curiously why the elephant's eyes suddenly filled with tears and curled his mouth in injustice: "Yesterday, that damn ant smashed my brother into a plant elephant, and I want to avenge my brother!" At least mix him with schizophrenia! "

17. A farmer went to a car sales center and saw that he took out 2000 yuan and slapped it on the table: "Give me a Santana." The salesman was surprised: "You don't have enough money." The farmer wondered, "Isn't Santana 2000 written outside?" Shop assistant: "Oh, then go out and turn right. That company's Mercedes is only 600 ~ ~! " "

18. A team member added a child, and all teammates were invited to attend the baptism and came to the church. Suddenly the child slipped from the mother's hand, and the goalkeeper decisively saved it and caught the child a few centimeters off the ground. Everyone applauded and cheered, and the goalkeeper used to clap twice, and then skillfully kicked it out.

19. The mother said to her daughter, "Today, you practice cooking and cook two dishes. I'll teach you. Yellow croaker, you have to burn the straw in your head. Cut the bamboo shoots quickly and turn every time you cut them. " The daughter agreed to go. After a pause, my mother went to the kitchen and took a look. She was startled. I saw my daughter's head tied with straw. Just spin around on the ground, turn around and cut bamboo shoots. As soon as she saw her mother, she shouted, "Great! Dizzy! "

20. There is a BMW parked on the roadside, which is illegal parking. The police came, posted a note and copied the list. The buddy came out of the mall and said, "aren't you a policeman?" What are you? Isn't it just a note to copy a list! " The policeman looked at him, said nothing, and continued to copy the list. Real cows, not stickers, just have a trailer towed away! "The policeman looked at him and didn't speak." What a cow! What can you do except stick a note to scare us? Bull B, you drag it away! "The police copied the list and called a trailer. Here comes the trailer. The policeman looked at the buddy. Hey, you are really great! You're great! Drag it away! I dare you two! " The policeman waved and dragged it away. The police looked at him and tried to persuade him not to challenge him like this in the future. The buddy rolled his eyes: "You are awesome. When the owner comes, tell him that you towed his car!"! " "

2 1. When I was in college, I slept in English in every bunk. After a while, nothing happened. The lower berth went on to say, "Repeat". About five minutes later, the upper berth began to speak in English again.

22. A bird lover likes parrots very much. One day, he passed a bird shop and found a parrot being auctioned. He decided to buy it because of its beautiful fur, so he shouted, "I am willing to pay 10 dollars for this parrot!" "

Then someone bid: "I am willing to pay 20 yuan dollars!" " Bird lovers didn't want to give away parrots, so they called 30 yuan. But another voice seemed to oppose him until the bird lover called 200 yuan.

The man was happy to buy a parrot, but it suddenly occurred to him: I spent so much money on this parrot. If it doesn't talk, wouldn't I lose a lot? So he went to ask the boss, "boss, can you talk?"

Then he heard the parrot shout, "Can't talk? ! Who do you think was bidding to you just now? ! "

23. In a fast-moving subway car, someone politely said to a lady next to him, "It's really dark in the car. Please allow me to find the handrail for you! " Unexpectedly, the lady said coldly, "I already have an armrest." "Then please let go of my tie!" The man panted.

Many years ago, 24.n pagers were relatively rare, a brother A bought a pager and a brother B said, Let's try it, shall we? So I called the paging station: Miss, please call * * * *, stand still and hit you when we arrive! The young lady is frightened: we can't send this kind of information. Brother b insists: you should send it like this! After a while, the pager rang and picked it up: someone wants to hit you, run!

25. The chairman of the flag-raising ceremony gave a thought report: "... I am the son of the people of China." The following student: "I am a citizen of China."

26. A girl in my class listened to the walkman in the back row again, and when her ears were blocked, she spoke loudly. She said to her deskmate, let me know when the teacher comes. Almost all the students heard it. Teachers are no exception. Look at my classmates and say, I'm not going.

27. Teacher: "The male students stand on my left, the female students stand on my right, and the others stay where they are." Only the teacher didn't move.

28. In junior high school, a math teacher talked about equation transformation. On the podium, he rolled up his sleeves and shouted: Attention, students! I'm going to change!

33. My junior high school teacher likes to dive into the topic. "My bottom radius is 20CM and my height is 50CM, so I am." Someone below said, "It's a fool." The whole class burst into laughter.

29. The physics teacher said to the headmaster, "You know, I taught five classes, one clockwise and the other counterclockwise. Five classes! I told them that if they still didn't understand, just look at their watches. Wherever an hour hand goes, it is clockwise, and vice versa. However, the whole class used to count, either mobile phones or electronic watches.

30. The teacher asked, "Calculus is a very useful subject. What is the goal of our study of calculus? Me: "No cavities! "