The sign of a person's maturity is to get out of "should thinking"

I have joined a lot of paid communities, 499/699, but I always only watch the chatting and jokes;

I don’t have any exercise or diet control, but I always dream of being hungry. Or suddenly lose weight and become Peng Yuyan;

Maybe you are such a person, maybe you are secretly happy that you have not become that person.

Many times, we have good expectations for reality and feel that many things should be taken for granted. However, things always go against our expectations, and all we get from our wishful thinking is frustration and anxiety.

The reason why we are defeated by reality is not because of lack of ability, but because we are dominated by the thinking of what should be, do not understand the real world, and try to make the real world surrender to the rules we already have in our minds.

There are two types of thinking, one is how we think the world should be, and the other is what the world teaches us should be. These two kinds of thinking are like Trojan horses that cause us to lose our autonomy.

01 To get out of should thinking is to accept the inconsistency between reality and ideals

In "Homer's Epic", the hero Odysseus encountered a monster on his way home. This monster will grab everyone who passes by and make them lie on the same bed. If the passerby's body is shorter, the monster will pull the passerby to the same length as the bed; if the passerby's body is longer, the monster will saw the passerby's body until it is as short as the bed.

The behavior of the monster in this story is that it makes the world according to its own vision.

Of course, in reality we will not be so absurd, but should thinking has always dominated our behavior.

Charlie Munger once said: To a person with a hammer in his hand, the world looks like a nail.

When you fall into should-thinking, you are like a person holding a hammer. Should-thinking becomes your master, and you can only serve should-thinking and lose many possibilities.

On a psychological level, we always return to childhood, confusing the boundaries between home and the outside world, thinking that the outside world should give us the same undifferentiated love and tolerance as our parents.

What we should think about the world often comes from our own wrong assumptions about the world. However, there is a lot of suffering and dissatisfaction in life. The world is not designed according to what we want. This is something we need to understand and accept.

Lee Kuan Yew once said: It doesn’t matter how you want the world to be. You have to recognize what the world is actually like and do something on the premise of accepting this fact.

I deeply believe that there is always a gap between reality and ideals. If we want to change reality, we must first acknowledge the reality and then find a way. Being down-to-earth is the best way to achieve success.

02 To get out of the way you should think is to truly understand what your goal is

Whenever we watch inspirational videos or read inspirational articles, we are all moved to a complete mess and excited to get excited. I feel like I should work hard.

In drafts and variety shows, even if the contestants lose in the end, they will use "I worked very hard" to gain favor. It seems that hard work is a panacea that can cure all diseases

I don’t know when, on the Internet, social media, and advertisements began to promote various "you should lose weight, you should work hard, you should live a better life" "ourselves" argument, as if people would cease to exist if they didn't take sides.

American psychologist Becker believes: "Once people are labeled with a certain label, they will become the person labeled by the label."

And when you do not agree with a certain label, Rules, but when forced to succumb to some invisible pressure, a kind of division will occur in the heart. This kind of split will not make you depressed, but it will make you unable to see yourself clearly, do not understand yourself, and do not know what you want.

The thoughts given to us by the outside world will not only hinder us from forming and expressing true emotions, causing our behavior to deviate from the matter itself and become a kind of imitation, but will also affect our thinking and cause black thinking. That is white.

Teacher Chen Haixian pointed out in "The Great Me": The essence of the thinking mode that I should be like this is to replace our spontaneous actions with social rules, other people's expectations or cultural customs. At this time, we are more like performing a performance art called hard work. He does not really want to work hard, but just hopes to satisfy the idea of ??"should work hard" by posing as hard.

Those who really work hard often have a goal in mind that they want to achieve. They focus on the goal itself, not on whether they work hard or not. For them, hard work is a by-product of completing the goal.

When a person has no goals but feels that he "should work hard", he will think that although I don't know what I want to do, successful people work hard. So, he began to act according to the inner rules of what should be, reading, exercising, and studying. He didn't know what the goal was. He just wanted to work hard for the state itself, because the rule of should thinking is - hard work is always right.

Psychologist Karen Horney believes that people fall into should thinking because they constantly look for "self" standards that are loved by others in the external world, in an attempt to create an ideal self.

In today’s era, there is an explosion of information. Everyone is expressing, elaborating, and telling others how they should live. In such an environment, we do not lack reference objects. What we lack is living out our own sense of purpose and belief.

Of course we should pursue a better version of ourselves, but first we must understand where the “better” standard comes from, is it our own heart or an external setting?

03 Maturity means respecting reality and accepting oneself

Wang Xing, founder of Meituan, said that "99% of people can do anything without thinking."

The biggest laziness of people is not that they don’t want to move, but that they don’t want to think seriously.

The key to getting out of should thinking is not to not do things dominated by "should thinking", but to be aware of the existence of should thinking and avoid such a one-line thinking mode.

I really like Zhou Guoping’s interpretation of life. He said that there are three times of growth in life: first, when you find that you are no longer the center of the world; second, when you find that no matter how hard you try, you can’t do anything; and third, when you accept Be ordinary and enjoy the ordinary times.

For us, maybe true maturity is not about what I think and what you should be, but about understanding yourself, understanding others, respecting reality, accepting yourself, looking at ideals reasonably, and being less black and white. prejudice, and be more tolerant of wisdom and foolishness.