10 jokes that make people twitch

1. Received a phone call from a swindler: "Mr. X, xxx court has a summons for you ..." "Hello, I am not the Mr. xxx you are looking for." "We have a lot of subpoenas. Please state your name. I will check whether the staff is wrong. " "My surname is Cao." "Hello, Mr. Cao." "My name is Cao Nima" toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot to the teacher at the teacher's banquet. You are so kind to me. Every time you finish a problem, you are the first to ask me if I understand it. The teacher said, "Actually, I think if you understand, everyone will understand." ... "3. I just took a shower and was blowing my hair when my cell phone rang! Let my mother answer for me first. . . I saw my mother pick up the phone and look at the screen. She shouted, "Dad! "。 . . Then I was stunned for 3 seconds, and quickly threw my phone to me! I'm confused, too . . Pick up the phone and say, "Hello? Grandpa! "。 . . Then. . . My dad's lonely voice came from the other end of the phone "Who are you? "4. Cats are very delicate. In the afternoon at my friend's house, her cat slept behind my ass. I drank too much beer and accidentally farted on the cat's head. As a result, the cat stood up, shook its hand in front of its eyes a few times, fell back, fainted, and was stiff all over, which scared my dad to death. . . Friends quickly took him to the pet hospital. Later, my friend called and said that alcoholism had been diagnosed. He asked me to visit and apologize to the cat. 5. A buddy borrowed 500 yuan from me and didn't pay it back for a long time, so I was embarrassed to ask for it. So every time we go to KTV to sing, I always order "your backpack". At the end of the sentence, I will sing to him affectionately: "Why don't you return what you borrowed?" He also unconsciously applauded me: "It's really good." I am speechless ... 6. Sitting in the last row of junior high school Chinese class, playing poker with a classmate is very boring. I took a handful and three Lao Wang said, run five laps. He said, follow, add ten laps. I gave him a look. Are you sure? He said, ok, plus breakfast tomorrow morning. I said, open it. You show your cards first. He pointed directly at JQK. I showed three old kings that you lost. He suddenly stood up, pointed at me and said, teacher, he plays poker in class. 7. An old woman who has smoked for most of her life said, "Granddaughter, don't marry someone who has given up smoking in the future. "I am very confused and asked her why. She said, "Men who quit smoking are cruel! Think about it, you can quit smoking, you can't do anything! " -Grandpa said to his grandson, "Never look for a thin woman! A woman can control her mouth, so what can she do? "~ 8. A person on the bus is waiting for an opportunity to rob the necklace of a female passenger. When the car stopped, she grabbed her necklace with lightning speed and rushed to the back door to escape. As a result, the back door did not open ... because the driver stopped not because it was time to stop, but because it was a red light! 9. One day I went to an antique shop Taobao. The shopkeeper saw that I was a wooden stick. So, after I was stunned by a god chat, I said, "Just look around, they are all genuine!" "I slowly turned to a pile of bronzes and suddenly saw a bust of Chairman Mao, which was old in style but full of momentum. Playing with it in the palm of your hand, I found it under the bronze statue seat, which read: "Imperial system during the Qianlong period." 10, a beautiful MM occupied the ATM for a long time, and made a receipt from time to time. I'm tired of waiting in the back. I looked at her and found that her screen actually showed: "Insufficient balance." I saw that this MM was still withdrawing money and collecting typed receipts one by one. About 5 minutes later, I saw this beautiful MM rushing to the public toilet with a pile of bank receipts. . .

1 1. If a fat girl has been buying loose, fat-covered clothes with hips and thighs since she gained weight, she will still be fat after half a year; But if she buys short, tight, smaller clothes from the beginning, then look, after half a year, she will become a very conspicuous fat man in the crowd. 12, always absent from the class at the same table. One day in class, he secretly played with his mobile phone, which happened to be discovered by the class teacher who was patrolling outside the classroom. The class teacher took out his mobile phone and sent him a message: Why don't you listen carefully? The deskmate replied doubtfully: Who are you? The class teacher sent him another short message: Look out of the window. My deskmate glanced out of the window and replied, thank you for reminding me. Talk to you later. Our head teacher is staring out the window! ! ! 13, I can't get married. My brother comforted me like this: I believe that one day, as a tasteful and grounded female diaosi who listens to songs and divine comedy and only watches idol dramas, there will be a tall and powerful pure man wearing a thick gold necklace and driving a motorcycle with the most dazzling national bass to marry you. . . 14, my buddy bought a 2-yuan ring and went to the West Lake to perform Gao Fushuai. He held the diamond ring in his left hand and called hysterically in his right hand: Are you really not going to marry me? Really don't want to be with me! Then break up! Never, never be together! Then I made an extremely chic action-throwing my mobile phone into the lake. 15. Yesterday afternoon in the library, a boy's cell phone rang. In order not to disturb everyone, he rushed out at a speed of 80 miles per hour. However, the phone kept ringing, and this guy ran back and said, I forgot my phone. . . Hit the table instantly! 16, I was having dinner in a restaurant when suddenly an elder sister came over and smelled of various perfumes. Seeing diaosi on the other side is really unbearable, and I have no appetite to eat. Then diaosi thought about it. Finally, I took off my shoes ............ ……NND! ! Now everyone can't eat ... 17, one day I took a bus and sat next to a strange aunt. When the cell phone rang, my aunt answered the phone and said to the phone cheerfully, "Oh, I'm not available this morning! I have to accompany Hui Hui to the hospital for an abortion! " The crowded carriage immediately quieted down ... I glanced at my aunt next to me, turned around and found that the whole car was staring at myself. But I'm really not Hui Hui. 18, the company recruited, but I didn't expect to recruit a top-notch beauty. The company is a fritter and always likes to flirt. One day, the idiot gave a heavy "mm-hmm" in front of the beauty! The beautiful woman said understandingly, Do you have a cold? Idiot man is very excited, nod! Beauty: "Then you should stay as far away from me as possible! Colleagues laughed collectively. . 19, the couple are shopping and walking to discuss sexual harassment. The husband suddenly reached out and touched his wife's chest quickly, and then asked, "Is this sexual harassment? The wife was furious and said to her husband, "Please! It's outside now! The husband looked puzzled and asked his wife, "Do you want to put your hand in?" "20, really helpless ~ Dad still doesn't go home after 12 in the evening, but I clearly remember that he went out to walk the dog in the afternoon! Don't answer the phone! Mom is angry, too! Armed to the teeth, he went out to find his father. When I finally found it in the mahjong room, I was looking at the dog with the wrong forehead, squatting in my father's arms and looking at the cards attentively. ...