Four emotions express minefield, it's time to clear mine!

This often happens in life. We obviously wanted to attract each other's attention and love, but as a result, we said the wrong thing and caused contradictions between the two sides. In a blink of an eye, we have changed from the just side to the "unreasonable" villain in the eyes of the other side. Just like the following two situations:

As a result, the boy felt that his girlfriend was too hard and left with a cold face. The wife thinks that her husband dislikes him and directly refutes it, causing a quarrel. Regardless of the reaction of boys and wives, do you often hear them as two complaints that lead to your emotional loss of control?

Looking closely at the intimate relationships around us, most relationships are inseparable from the shadow of these two complaints. Women are accusing men of not loving him, and men are rejecting women as inferior to others!

Looking back at the original intention of confidante, it is obvious that they just want each other to care more about themselves! In these two common but contradictory complaints, in fact, we all made four common emotional expression mistakes:

A. induce speculation?

B. jump to conclusions?

C. exaggerating the facts?

D. reproachful tone

Next, let's review these two sentences and see which minefields the two confidants stepped on.

I have a feeling that you don't like me anymore.

In this sentence, the mistakes made by girls are A and B.

A. induced speculation: the girl only explained her subjective feelings and didn't tell her boyfriend: "what did you do that made me think you might not love me?" This vague expression is inducing boys to guess the reason.

So changing a boy's point of view at this time will make him look stupid, and he will guess what the girl is angry with. This guessing behavior is actually very nerve-racking and emotional, and you will feel very tired after getting along for a long time.

B. jump to conclusions: because the boy didn't take the initiative to call for two days, the girl blurted out, "I don't think you like me."

In fact, it may be because boys are too busy. You know, men are under great pressure at work and may be working overtime these two days. Although you can't rule out the possibility of going out to drink and have fun with friends and forgetting to call, don't jump to the conclusion that the other person doesn't like you. This kind of oral expression is full of insecurity and distrust, and the other party can't feel comfortable after hearing it.

Someone else's XX

The mistakes made by the husband in this sentence are C and D.

C. Exaggerate the fact: Let's take a closer look at this sentence: "Other people's daughters-in-law do housework, and I cook every time I get off work." This is an obvious exaggeration.

First of all, it is impossible for every daughter-in-law to do housework. First, there can be no established facts. Second, this kind of thing is wrong. It must be shared by two people first. Husband's original intention is to ask his wife to help with cooking, but his words reveal another selfish idea: women should do all the housework. This is inconsistent and inappropriate in expression.

D. blame tone: in addition, this whole sentence is full of blame and blame tone. Under this irrational emotional expression, the listener is likely to follow the rhythm of confidante and fall into an irrational emotional whirlpool. "You're belittling me and being lazy", which led to the two later people no longer putting facts and reasoning in the face of conflict, just seeing me unhappy and seeing you unhappy, and then venting their emotions on each other, which became worse and worse.

So, what should the correct conversation look like?

Put facts+state feelings+expectations

This should be a very effective expression that we can use.

Set facts: Because these two sentences are very easy to mislead the listener, they make him/her feel that the speaker is "exaggerating+accusing" him/her, which makes him/her unhappy and emotional. So, why don't we start with the facts? At least the facts are obvious to both sides, which will neither cause controversy to the listener nor make the listener guess at random.

State feelings: after stating the facts, state the feelings brought by the facts. It is worth noting that when expressing your feelings, you should try your best to use accurate and concise words, so that the other party can make an accurate response more easily and effectively avoid the other party's guess.

For example, you say to your girlfriend, "I'm in a bad mood today."

This kind of expression is very inaccurate, a little negative and excessive, and it will induce the other party to guess the reason why you are unhappy and consume the other party's energy.

The solution is to tell the reason accurately, replace abstract expression with facts and replace "unhappy" with more precise words.

We can say this:

"We lost today's college basketball game (explain the reasons, explain the facts), and I feel quite depressed (change unhappiness into depression)."

In this way, your girlfriend can not only accurately feel your current mood, but also know how to deal with it. You can avoid minefields and actively tolerate your current state.

Expect to ask questions: Some people who cheat in dialogue like to stop telling after saying "put facts+state feelings" and wait for the other person's inquiry, thus leading to their own requirements. If the other person knows you well, he may follow your routine. But if the other person is in a bad mood that day, after you finish talking about your feelings, the other person may laugh at you or satirize you for being "melodramatic" and "I don't care if you are depressed", and the conversation will die!

Therefore, if you really want the other person to know your needs, adding "looking forward to asking" after "putting facts+stating feelings" can make the other person know you better.

To sum up the above three points, when you really want to complain about the above two sentences, try to say this:

If you are a listener, do you feel that after listening, you not only understand what the other person means, but also feel comfortable?

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No one is born to be a strong communicator, but those who eventually become communicators are all in topics with great risks, intense emotions and different opinions. They stumbled, waded through the mud, practiced their real skills, and finally got better and better, making people more comfortable and convincing!