A long list of jokes

1. Father and son passed the gate of a five-star hotel and saw a very luxurious imported car. The son disdainfully said to his father, "People who ride this kind of car must have no knowledge in their stomachs! The father replied airily: "People who say such things must have no money in their pockets! 」

(Note: Does your view of things also reflect your true attitude? )

After dinner, mother and daughter wash dishes together, and father and son watch TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a sound of breaking dishes in the kitchen, and then there was silence. It was the son who looked at his father and said, "Mom must have broken it. 」

"How do you know? 」」

"She didn't call names. 」

Note: We are used to judging others and ourselves by different standards, so that we are often strict with ourselves. )

3. There are two Taiwan sightseeing groups traveling to Izu Peninsula in Japan. The road conditions are poor, and there are potholes everywhere. One of the tour guides repeatedly apologized and said that the road was just like pockmarked. On the other hand, another tour guide said poetically to the tourists, "Ladies and gentlemen, the road we are taking now is the famous Aotu Avenue in Gu Liang." . 」

(Note: Although it is the same situation, different ideas will produce different attitudes. How wonderful it is to think, how to think is up to you. )

Students who are also in the third grade of primary school said in their composition that their future wish is to be a clown. China's teacher denounced it as: "Without ambition, you can't teach a boy!" ! Teachers who bring foreign countries will say, "May you bring laughter to the whole world! 」

(Note: As elders, we not only tend to demand more than encourage, but also have a narrower definition of success. )

In the Palace Museum, a lady said impatiently to her husband, "I asked you why you walked so slowly. So you always stop to look at these things. 」

(Note: Some people only know how to run on the road of life, and as a result, they lose the opportunity to see beautiful flowers on both sides. )

My wife is cooking in the kitchen. Her husband has been nagging: slow down. Watch out! The fire is too big. Turn the fish over quickly. Shovel it up quickly, there is too much oil! Level the tofu! "Well," the wife blurted out, "I know how to cook." "Of course you know, madam," the husband replied calmly. I just want you to know how I feel when I am driving and you are chattering around. 」

(Note: It is not difficult to learn to be considerate of others, as long as you are willing to seriously look at the problem from the other side's perspective and position. )

7. A bus full of passengers is driving fast on the downhill road, and a man is running after it. A passenger stuck his head out of the window and said to the car chaser, "Dude! Forget it, you can't catch up! " "I must catch up with it," the man panted. "I am the driver of this car!"

(Note: Some people must work hard, because otherwise, the consequences will be tragic! But it is precisely because of the need to go all out that the potential instinct and unknown characteristics will finally be fully displayed. )

1 1, a: "The new neighbors are so hateful. Last night, in the dead of night, he knocked on my doorbell. 」

B: "How hateful! Did you call the police immediately? 」

A: "No, I think they are crazy. Keep playing my trumpet. 」

Everything happens for a reason. If you can see your mistakes first, the answer will be different. When you face contradictions and disputes, first think about whether you are lost in your heart, and maybe you can let it go soon. )

12, one day, Zhang San was driving on a mountain path. While he was enjoying the beautiful scenery leisurely, suddenly a truck came in front of him, and the grinning driver rolled down the window and shouted at him, "pig!" " Zhang Sanyue thought more and more puzzled, more and more angry, so he rolled down the window and turned to curse: "You are the pig!" " No sooner had he finished cursing than he ran into a group of pigs crossing the road.

Don't misinterpret the kindness of others, it will only hurt yourself and humiliate others. Before unknown so, you should learn to hold back your emotions and observe patiently so as not to regret it afterwards. )

13. The little boy asked his father, "Does the father always know more than his son?"

Dad replied, "Of course!"

The little boy asked, "Who invented the electric light?"

Dad: "It's Edison."

The little boy asked again, "Then why didn't Edison's father invent the electric light?"

Strangely, people who like seniority are particularly prone to get into fights. Authority is often just an empty shell that can't stand the test, especially in today's pluralistic and open era. )

14, Xiaoming accidentally swallowed a small piece of soap in the shower, and his mother called the family doctor for help in a panic. The doctor said, "I still have a few patients here." It may take half an hour to get there. " Xiaoming's mother said, "What should I do before you come?" The doctor said, "Give Xiaoming a cup of boiled water, and then jump hard, so that Xiaoming can blow bubbles with his mouth to kill time."

Relax, relax, there's no need to be too nervous in life. Now that it has happened, why not face it frankly? It's better to rest assured if you are worried, and it's better to be poor and happy if you are nervous. )

15, there is a strong lock hanging on the gate, and an iron bar took a lot of effort, but it still can't be pried open. The key came and his thin body got into the lock hole. With a slight turn, the big lock opened with a bang.

Die-hard asked strangely, "Why can't I open it after all my efforts, but you open it easily?"

The key said, "Because I know his heart best."

Everyone's heart is like a locked door, no matter how thick the iron bar is, it can't be pried open. Only by caring can we turn ourselves into a delicate key, enter other people's hearts and understand others. )

1, the situation is different.

A pig, a sheep and a cow are kept in the same corral. Once, the shepherd caught the pig, and he shouted loudly and resisted fiercely. Sheep and cows hate its howling, so they say, "He often catches us, and we don't bark." The pig replied, "catching you and catching me are two different things." He only wants your hair and milk, but it's killing him to catch me! " "

It is difficult for people with different positions and different environments to understand each other's feelings; Therefore, we should not gloat over the setbacks, setbacks and pains of others, but should have a feeling of care and understanding. Have a tolerant heart!

Step 2 independently

The little snail asked his mother: Why do we have to bear this hard and heavy shell when we are born?

Mom: Because our bodies have no bones to support, we can only climb, but we can't climb fast. So we need the protection of this shell!

Snail: Sister Caterpillar has no bones and can't climb fast. Why doesn't she have to carry this hard and heavy shell?

Mom: Because sister caterpillar can become a butterfly, the sky will protect her.

Snail: but brother earthworm can't climb fast without bones, and he won't become a butterfly. Why doesn't he carry this hard and heavy shell?

Mom: Because Brother Earthworm can drill soil, the earth will protect him.

The little snail began to cry: we are so poor that the sky is unprotected and the land is unprotected.

Mother snail comforted him: so we have shells! We don't rely on the sky, but we are willing to talk.

3. sharks and fish

Someone once did an experiment, putting the fiercest shark and a group of tropical fish in the same pool, and then separating them with tempered glass. At first, sharks kept hitting the invisible glass every day, but in vain. It can never cross the other side. The experimenter puts some crucian carp in the pool every day, so the shark is not short of prey, but it still wants to try the delicious taste on the other side. It still keeps hitting the glass every day. It tried every corner and tried its best every time, but it was always scarred. Several times, it was bleeding and lasted for several days. Whenever the glass breaks, the experimenter immediately adds thicker glass.

Later, sharks stopped hitting the glass and paying attention to colorful tropical fish, as if they were just moving the murals on the wall. It began to wait for the crucian carp that appeared every day, and then hunted with its agile instinct, as if it had returned to the sea, but all this was just an illusion. At the last stage of the experiment, the experimenter took the glass away, but the shark didn't respond. Swimming in a fixed area every day, it not only turns a blind eye to those tropical fish, but even when those crucian carp escape there, it immediately gives up chasing, indicating that it never wants to go there again. The experiment was over, and the experimenter laughed at it as the most cowardly fish in the sea. But people who have been lovelorn know why, and they are afraid of pain.

4. Miracles

In a remote town in France, it is said that there is a particularly effective spring, and miracles often occur, which can cure various diseases. One day, a veteran who was on crutches and lost a leg limped across the street in the town. The villagers nearby gave a sympathetic kiss back and said, "Poor guy, is he going to pray to God for another leg?" This sentence was heard by veterans. He turned to them and said, "I don't want to ask God for a new leg, but I want to ask him to help me so that I can know how to live without one."

Imagine: learn to be grateful for the lost and accept the lost fact. Regardless of the gains and losses of life, always make your life full of light and glory, stop crying for the past and work hard for a high live and high life.

5. fishing rod

An old man is fishing by the river. A child walked by to watch him go fishing. The old man is very skilled, so he soon caught a basket full of fish. The old man thinks the child is cute and wants to give him the whole basket of fish. The child shook his head. The old man asked in surprise, "Why not?" The child replied, "I want the fishing rod in your hand." The old man asked, "What do you need a fishing rod for?" The child said, "This basket of fish will be finished soon. If I have a fishing rod, I can fish by myself and eat it for a lifetime. "

I think you will say: What a clever boy. Wrong. If he only wants a fishing rod, he can't eat any fish. Because he doesn't know the fishing skills, it's useless to have a fishing rod, because the fishing rod is not important, and in fishing skills, too many people think that they have a fishing rod on the road, so they are no longer afraid of the wind and rain on the road and will inevitably fall on the muddy ground. It's like a child looking at the old man and thinking that as long as there is a fishing rod, there will be endless fish, just like a clerk looking at the boss and thinking that as long as he sits in the office, money will roll in.

The saddest thing in the world

Not the sinking of the Titanic.

But the old rose threw the priceless In the Heart of the Sea into the sea.

The most embarrassing thing in the world

Not abandoned by her boyfriend

Instead, I found my left boyfriend in the arms of another man.

The most pleasant thing in the world

Instead of watching the light rain outside the street through Starbucks floor-to-ceiling windows.

Instead, there is a stack of papers written for you next to the fragrant coffee.

The coolest thing in the world

I didn't meet a girl.

But I am more beautiful than a girl (because I am a girl)

The most amazing thing in the world.

People who are afraid of heights stand in the 88th floor hall of Jinmao and have a bird's eye view of the ground.

Instead, suddenly a person who climbed to the top floor with his bare hands waved to you outside the window (uninsured people should not follow suit)

The happiest thing in the world.

No, my boyfriend asked you to marry him on one knee.

But he has a 3-carat diamond ring in his hand.

The most hateful person in the world.

Not the one who stole the giant salamander.

But the person who ate it said it was pork.

The furthest distance in the world

Not where you're going.

It's that I stand in front of you and you can't see.

The most painful thing in the world

It's not that you can't find a lighter with a cigarette in your mouth.

It's that you have a lighter, but you can't light it.

The angriest thing in the world

It's not an earth-shattering argument on the phone.

But when you want to hang up the phone hard, you find a mobile phone in your hand.

The worst thing in the world.

No, you raced on the freeway.

But finally I saw the exit to the gas station, but I was stopped by the police.

The worst thing in the world.

No, you forgot your ticket.

But when you strut confidently to the examination room, you find yourself three days late.

The saddest thing in the world

No, your dear is dead.

It was your dear man who killed you.

The worst dish in the world.

It's not that people who can't cook do it by accident.

But people who can cook do it on purpose.

The most common cry in the world is that you are so fat.

Not fat.

But an already thin girl

The ugliest woman in the world

Not Dong Shi.

It's the beauty after makeup removal.

Ironic joke

1. The section chief is sitting in his office, smoking with his legs crossed. Suddenly a man came. In order to show that he was not idle, he immediately picked up the telephone receiver on the table and said loudly, "Comrade, I am not free. You can solve this small matter by yourself. If you really can't solve it, come to me again! "

The section chief put down the phone and asked the bearer, "What can I do for you?"

The bearer said politely, "I'm a repairman sent by the telecommunications bureau." According to reports, this phone has been broken for two days. "

2. A leader went to the countryside to inspect the work, and the village head killed sheep to entertain guests. During the dinner, the leader asked with concern, "How can you go out of your hukou without a sheep?"

The village chief replied, "This is easy to handle. As usual, just report to the wolf. "

The boss of a company criticized the secretary after finishing the work report, saying, "I think people at the meeting are impatient to write such a long manuscript!" "

The secretary was startled: "The report is not long, I". . I accidentally bound three books together. "

4. Once, a writer borrowed a book from a stingy neighbor, and the neighbor said, "Yes, yes. But there is a rule: books borrowed from my library must be read on the spot. "

A week later, the neighbor borrowed a lawn mower from the writer. The writer smiled and said, "Yes, yes. But there is a rule: the lawn mower borrowed from my house can only be used on my lawn. "

5. Editor: Sir, your article is too loose.

Author: According to prose? I agree.

Editor: But it's too messy.

Author: Then write an essay.

Editor: The work seems too naive.

Author: Then send it according to fairy tales.

Editor: To be honest, there is nothing new.

Author: Really? Then send it in ancient Chinese.