Jokes, the kind that make people laugh, the more the better, the good ones get bonus points.

Classic slip of the tongue

A colleague I didn’t know well was chatting with me. The content of the conversation was extremely boring. He only talked about what he was doing with his girlfriend

. I am speechless.

After he spoke for a long time, he looked at me, probably meaning that after he said so much, I should express my opinion.

For a moment, I really didn’t know what to say, so I blurted out and asked: "Is your girlfriend a girl?"...

The exam teacher handed out papers, and the girls behind him took more. He took a picture and shouted: "Teacher, I have it, I have it!" As a result, the boy sitting next to him said: "It's mine, it's mine!"...

Once, I went When I was waiting in line to buy breakfast, I found that the usually stoic boss was also in line, so I was very nervous. After saying hello, I said to the chef: "Master, please give me a cup of steamed buns with two breasts!"... It was the first time in two years that I heard the boss laugh like that. Loud.

I went to buy watermelons that day and heard someone asking the melon seller: Does your watermelon have a skin?

The politics teacher once said during a lecture: "Let me give you an example." Then he felt something was wrong and said again: "Give me an example."

A classmate explained to me how to dial a certain number. Inquiry phone number. I wanted to ask if the person who answered the phone was a real person or a voice, and I actually said: "Is the person who answered the phone alive or dead?"

In my junior year, my classmate went to work in a fish mall. . When the guest took the picked fish, my classmate pointed to the fish killing platform and said to him gently: "Go over there, someone will kill you."...

The teacher told us: "Take the car for spring outing Be more honest and don't throw your head and arms out all the time."...

I wanted to drink soda that day, so I hurried a few steps towards the cold drink stand and wanted to get a bottle of soda. Unexpectedly, I saw the beer in front of me, and I was so anxious. Said: "Boss, give me a bottle of shit water!"......

One of our colleagues said a classic saying to the examiner when he went to take the driver's license test: Report the instrument, the examiner is normal! ……

MM told me about KFC’s new “Body and Blood” and asked me to take her to eat it. It was extremely hot in Beijing in those days and I was groggy. When I got to the restaurant, I said to the smiling KFC lady He said: "Please give me two 'bloody's, thank you!"...

At a literary evening, the host came to the stage to announce: Please enjoy: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy!

If a tiger does not send a cat, you think I am critically ill!

When I was in high school, the classroom discipline was chaotic. The teacher grabbed XXX in anger and said: XXX, stand on the wall! The whole class is freezing!

Me: "That's our physics teacher..."

Classmate: "What do you teach?"

Me: "Chemistry..."

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A person in our dormitory had to pee after drinking too much, and then made a cold remark: "If you drink too much urine, you will have too much alcohol."

Junior high school art evening, quick answer session.

Female host: "Everyone, be careful, don't rush too fast. Wait until I finish speaking and start raising your hands!" Then she started to read the topic and said, "Now..."

At this time, a contestant jumped in to answer.

The host said: "This classmate is a little too anxious. I still have shit in my mouth, why did you snatch it away..."

Student One day, I received a phone call. After receiving the call, my classmate handed it to me and said, "Your mother is calling for you."

I picked up the phone and casually said, "Boy or girl."

Everyone laughed wildly. I have been laughed at for 4 years...

My classmate's high school classmate (a boy) walked into the noodle shop and flipped his hair: "Boss, two ounces of green onions and not rice noodles!" After that, he added: "More Order some rice noodles!”

Boss: “…Do you want rice noodles or green onions?”

One time my classmate’s mother called me and I used to say "He's not here", but this time what I want to say is "is out".

The result was: "He is no longer..."

The president of our university used to teach us calligraphy. When talking about his experience, he said that in the year of one's life, one should wear red. : "That year, I didn't wear anything (red clothes)." As a result, the whole class laughed wildly.

There is another one. When I was in junior high school, we used an electric bell to ring the end of class. Once after class, the bell was ringing and the teacher was still there. Suddenly, a boy who was sleeping in class suddenly jumped up from his seat. , while screaming: "Mom! Get up and cook! I should go to class!"...

High school requires uniforms, and we boys sometimes only wear school uniform tops. Once Assembling, classmates were wearing their school uniforms unevenly, and the class teacher was furious: "Everyone who is not wearing pants, stand up!"...

When I went to the factory for a metalworking internship in college, the master worker said when assigning machine tools: In order to For safety reasons, we try our best to ensure that one male student and one female student share a bed. At that time, all the boys burst into laughter and the girls blushed. During the internship, almost all the lathe work was done by the girl who shared my bed with me. In the end, considering that if she couldn’t do anything, it wouldn’t be good for the master to check, I advised her to practice her skills. Who knew she said: I'm used to letting you do it. It was extremely cold at that time.

A friend went to a dumpling restaurant and asked, "How much does a bowl of dumplings (sleep) cost (night)?" The waitress just heard "Bah!" and said: "Shameless!"...

During self-study, everyone was watching the review. GG said to MM: "I just memorized the words, please help me write them silently." MM didn't want to be silent, so GG begged her, please (touch) silently for me. (Touch) Silence me! ! As a result, MM couldn't stand it anymore and shouted, "Teacher, look, I don't want to (touch) him, he insists on me (touching) him"...

One day I went to a classmate's house for dinner and drank some wine. , her father suddenly came in. He originally wanted to call him uncle, but he said it wrong and said: "Dad, come and sit down!"

My colleague was arguing with someone, and he said in a hurry: "You Do you think I grew up eating?" I have always wondered what he grew up eating.

In a computer class, a classmate had a problem with his computer, so he shouted: "Boss, change the computer!" The whole class was stunned.

I went to Li Ning to buy shoes with my sister. My sister asked: "Miss, how much do these shoes cost per pound?"

I was in high school, and I went home with my MM after school. I saw a barbecue seller at the door. I wanted to eat beef offal. Because there were many people in front of the grill, I was afraid that the boss wouldn't hear me, so I shouted loudly: "Boss, five skewers of beef whip!" Then there was silence for three seconds. Everyone burst into laughter after the bell. I was so embarrassed... The most embarrassing thing was that MM then asked me "What is a bullwhip?" I had to answer MM very, very quietly: "A bullwhip is the tail of a cow."

On the factory car at work, MM Asked me: "My computer is not working anymore, it keeps dying." I said: "Then you go back and check the virus, and remember to upgrade the anti-virus software."

Early the next morning, in the car I saw MM again, and I asked casually: "Have you been tested? How is it?" Then MM said loudly: "I'm so angry. I checked for a long time and said that there is no (syphilis). What do you think should be done?" Huh? "It was so cold at that time... I still remember it freshly now."

Someone came to my aunt’s house as a guest before, and she just walked in. It happened that my aunt had to go to the toilet. She quickly greeted the guests and said: "You guys sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!"

During the military training in the university, the instructor yelled: "Use your peripheral vision (peripheral vision) ) Aligned!" One classmate whispered to me: "Only his bladder is on his face.

”

Our unit has a car to pick up and drop off work in the morning. Because the car is not big, one time, after getting on the bus, there was no seat. A male colleague sitting next to me stood up and greeted her enthusiastically. : "So-and-so, sit on my ass! "I laughed wildly until I got off the bus!

When a student from the Department of Physical Education was taking a practical class, many teachers were listening to the class. He was so nervous that when he finally wanted to disband the team, his mind went blank for a moment and he muttered: "Everyone, pay attention. ,stand at attention! flash! ! "

I met a girl I had long admired coming out of the bathhouse. I wanted to get close to her, so I held it in for a long time and said: "You are taking a bath. Are there many men in there?" "

There was a teacher who stayed up all night playing mahjong. When he saw that the blackboard was not wiped, he was furious: "Who is playing banker today? Don’t even wipe the blackboard! ”

I just bought a house, and I called a buddy in excitement: “I bought a house, but it’s only a dime (I forgot to say the word “blank”). Still need to decorate. The buddy said, "Is there only one toilet?" So where do you live? ”

The three most popular words during the Iraq War: peace, war, and found. If you read these three English words together and read them aloud three times, you will uncover a major historical mystery. ( The fart was made by me)

My friend’s child is half a year old. I called to care about it. After a few words of greeting, he said: “Is your child eating human milk or your milk now? "...

When I was buying rice in the canteen, I saw the tofu skin that I had been coveting for a long time. I got excited and said to the waiter: "Have some potato skins! "...it shocked the people around me.

What a good donkey with a heart, liver and lungs...

The last time I went to McDonald's, I said to the salesperson: "Here comes a bag of potato chips! "People said no. I said: "What kind of store...it doesn't even have potato chips? ! "After that, he turned around and left...

In the politics class, we talked about Sino-Japanese political issues and talked about Japanese samurai committing suicide by caesarean section. The teacher introduced: "Japanese samurai all had caesarean section before they died! "...

Once I called a customer named Wang. The person who answered the switchboard was a girl with a very sweet voice. She told me his extension number. I didn't know what I was looking for. I asked him whether the person named Wang was a boy or a girl, "Is he a boy or a girl?" "...

When I was in college, a classmate of mine had just bought a mobile phone and applied for a mobile card. He called the 1860 manned desk to ask, and he was excited: "Can I ask about your landline service..." From the hands-free phone We actually heard the receptionist say politely: "Our local business..." The whole dormitory burst into laughter!

Yesterday someone said that he wanted to introduce me to a girlfriend. I originally wanted to ask "Beautiful" ", the result is: "Is it cheap? ". Sweat myself to death...

Senior sister from the university, taking educational psychology, late... walked into the classroom and glanced sideways at the blackboard. The old professor was angry and asked the senior sister to answer the questions on the blackboard. The senior sister hesitated After a long while, he said: ""Sexiness and Sex Theory", this is too difficult to talk about. "The whole class jumped up. It turned out that the professor's original topic was: "On Reason and Sensibility"...

I heard from my classmates that once a girl in their dormitory went to buy sanitary napkins and said to the boss: "A pack of sanitary napkins. .

The boss actually asked: Do you want fresh food or spicy food? Then the classmate was stunned for a moment and said: Let’s try the three delicacies. I’m afraid I won’t be able to stand the spicy food...

I have a classmate who has been reviewing for the computer level 3 exam. One day, while playing football, another classmate took the lead. When the ball reached the baseline, he shouted: Enter! Enter! (Crossing)

When I was in college, I heard a girl ordering: Master, stir-fry a plate of hot and sour potato shreds, without the potatoes!

When I was in college, a teacher gave a lecture and talked about a new type of material. He said: "The sexual function of this material is incomparable to old materials... Oh, no, performance and function..."

One day when I was eating at a rice noodle shop, I was very slow and very hungry. I finally couldn’t hold back anymore and slapped the table and roared. I originally wanted to say that if I didn’t get rice noodles, I would turn over the table! The result was: "Boss!!!! If you don't serve rice noodles, I will eat the table!!!!" The whole store was silent for 3 seconds and burst into laughter under the table... It's embarrassing...

My parents quarreled, and I Dad said angrily: "I'll get you out of here!"

I once went to buy mutton skewers. I stretched out four fingers and said to the boss, "Here are three mutton skewers." The boss was confused. , "How many?" I stretched out 3 fingers and said "4"...

Our general manager's surname is Zhou. Once he called me while I was driving. When I was nervous, I opened my mouth and said: "Premier Zhou..."

Once I helped my boss book a hotel and wanted to ask if they had any services such as free Internet access, but I couldn't figure out how to say it, so I asked the other person: " "Excuse me, do you have any special services here?" The other party said: "What? We are a regular hotel!"

While queuing up in the cafeteria, I heard a boy next to me say: "Master, please give me a bowl of cauliflower." 'Soup!" (seaweed and egg drop soup).

A colleague asked me yesterday. How to write the festival section? I answered: Add a festive stanza under the prefix "草" and remove the prefix "草"! Everyone burst into laughter! I didn't react for a while...

The physics teacher talked about waves: "This is a thick spring. I push it from both ends to see if it becomes dense (constipated)?"

Boss, do you have any toilet paper cards?

One of our colleagues is on a business trip, and the dealer invites us to dinner. If you need to urinate during the meal, the dealer said that there is a restroom opposite. If you go there, if you tell the door, we are eating across the street and it will be free. In order to save two cents, our colleague walked straight away and confidently said to the toilet man: "I'm here to eat!"

I work in the logistics department. During the Chinese New Year, customers called to inquire. When will the pre-holiday goods arrive? Because the past few days of the holiday have been confusing, I couldn’t figure out the contents of the order, so I asked casually: "What are you?"

When I was in high school during the holidays I went out to work and wanted to find a job as a waiter in a restaurant. Because I was still a child and it was my first time to work, I was very nervous. I originally wanted to ask the manager if I needed some part-time work, but I thought it would be more subtle to ask if I needed more manpower, so I ended up saying, "Manager, do you need any part-time workers here?" A thug? "...

Once I went to the market to buy vegetables and prepare for a dinner. A Korean friend bought lettuce for 2.4 yuan. He gave all the change he had to the vendor, and he was still short of a dime. So he said to the hawker: "I gave you all my hair, so there is no more hair." The hawker was speechless for a long time, and then replied: "I don't want your hair anymore."

Managers usually don't care about smoking in meetings. Said: Those who smoke will be strangled to death! !

I met a colleague in the bathroom at noon. I suddenly didn’t know what words to use to say hello, so I asked him by accident: “Have you eaten?” After asking, I was annoyed and embarrassed, and my colleague replied: “Have you eaten?” "What about you?"...

My colleague wanted to ask about the exchange rate between RMB and Japanese yen, and he immediately asked, "How do you exchange the Chinese renminbi for the Japanese yen?"

After the union chairman gave an impassioned speech, the last sentence reached a climax: Comrades, let us do better work this year than next year! Everyone fell down.

I went to the cinema to watch "Pirates of the Caribbean 3". There was a trailer for "Transformers" before the movie started. When I saw the leader of the Decepticons, I couldn't think of "Megatron" or him. His team was called "Decepticons". Because he was so excited, he exclaimed, "It's so handsome, it's Nan Decepticon!" The terrible thing was that it was suddenly very quiet at that time without any movie sound effects, and dozens of people were staring at it. It made me burst into laughter...it was so embarrassing!

I was having dinner with a group of friends. One of them was probably betrayed by his brother. He was so depressed that he drank a lot of beer. Then he stood up with a red face and yelled: "Brother! I'm not here to sell you." ! ” I guess I wanted to say, “Brothers are not meant to be betrayed”...

I’m so tired, I even ran out of energy to eat shit...

My colleague just started While eating, the phone rang, and she said, "I'm KAO, and my meal comes as soon as I'm on the phone."

I remember the monitor in elementary school as being extremely serious. During a self-study class, the classroom was abuzz with people. After maintaining order several times, the monitor finally couldn't bear it any more. He stood up, slapped the table and shouted angrily: "Whoever makes noise again, get him." Mouth interrupts! ! ! ...The whole class was silent

Drinking with the leader and others, he raised his glass and shouted loudly: "Let us die together!" My head was too hot at the time...

The classmate's name was Yu Jingbo , one day I received a letter, and the dormitory doorman shouted at the door of the dormitory: "Letter from Gan Liangpi, Gan Liangpi!"

A buddy got married and gave him a red envelope. My friend politely said no. I said: That's okay, it's only once a year, you must take it...

I went to buy pastries. I originally wanted to say "Two pineapple pies and an egg tart", but ended up saying " Come to the egg tower with two orioles.” What’s even more depressing is that the shop owner actually understood...

In college, there was a girl named Liu Yun in our class. Once, a classmate from another class sent her a letter. On the envelope, there is a horizontal line above the lower half of the word "Yun" in her character "Yun". Because the writing was too sloppy, the horizontal line turned into a dot. As a result, the classmate took the letter and shouted in our corridor, "Liu Mang, who is Liu Mang? I have a letter from you." Everyone in the corridor ran out to see Liu Mang (the gangster). As a result, the girl named Liu Yun was helplessly called a gangster for four years.

There was a time when there were rats in the house, so my mother bought rat poison to keep the family peaceful, but not a single mouse was killed by the medicine. One day, very early in the morning, my mother got up and looked at the rat medicine in the corner of the door, and said to herself, "Why is no one taking this medicine?" The whole family fainted...

One time we were playing mahjong on a hot day. , there was a sudden power outage, so I had to buy candles to continue fighting. After half an hour, the heat was unbearable. One person said: "Let's turn on the electric fan, it's too hot." Another person said: "Don't turn it on. Turning it on will blow out the candle."

In the physics class, the teacher talked about radioactive elements and said: "Radioactive elements are very dangerous, you humans must stay away from them!!"

Back to the dormitory from self-study in the evening, I met a fairy girl on the road, so I followed her. I always wanted to strike up a conversation, but didn’t have the courage to come forward until my sister Tianxian was about to walk into the girls’ building. I gritted my teeth, stepped forward, and asked the sister loudly: “Classmate, are you a girl?” Later... later I I have enjoyed the eyes of this fairy sister for two years.

When I was a child, my father watched me write compositions. There was a very simple word written wrong. My father smiled and said to my mother: "I found your son is very stupid." I became anxious and said loudly to my father: "Your son is stupid!"

When our high school office director once again scolded us for not paying attention in class, he said: "If you do this again in the future, don't blame me for turning against me!"

My surname is Zhu, and I manage the computer room of my unit. . Someone once called me on my mobile phone: "Chief Chicken Section, are you in the pig room?" At that time, he cursed the guy.

When we first entered school, the whole class introduced themselves.

A male classmate walked up to the podium: "My name is You Yong, from Beijing. I love playing chess!" After saying that, he went down. The next person was a girl. The girl shyly walked onto the podium and introduced herself uneasily: "I... My name is Xia Qi...I like swimming..."

Mr. Huang loves the revolution. In order to commemorate the Red Army, he named his son "Jun". One day when he was sending his son to class, he saw bus No. 8 coming into the station, so He shouted to his son: "Huang Jun, run, the Eighth Route Army is coming!"

Headmaster: My perfume is missing! Please help me find it!

Everyone: What brand of perfume are you using?

Headmaster: SIX GOD, I only use that one.

Everyone: That’s awesome. I’ve never heard of it. What does it look like?

Headmaster: Which of you took the Liushen toilet water?

When I was in college, I had a buddy who lived in the same dormitory and was the representative of the department. We were taught by a young female instructor. By the way, one day my friend was walking on the road with a cigarette in his mouth. He suddenly saw the teacher and walked up to say hello. Unexpectedly, the teacher took two steps back and said, "I'm pregnant!" (The female teacher was afraid of being exposed to the smoke) "My friend didn't understand what he meant. He petrified instantly and even dropped the cigarette. He said tremblingly, "It's not mine!"

Xiao Wang works in the human resources department on the 10th floor and was transferred a month ago. Went to the administrative department on the 9th floor. Today, classmate Xiao Wang called the human resources department to ask him: "Is Xiao Wang here?" The colleague who answered the phone said: "Xiao Wang is no longer in the human resources department." Classmate Xiao Wang: "Ah?! When did it happen?" Why don't you know? You haven't had time to send him off yet? ""It doesn't matter, you can go find him below..."