Ask for a few humorous stories

Humorous stories [Landlord, there are many, please adopt them.

1. Once upon a time, there was a man named Shuang.

He is dead.

On the day of the funeral.

His family cried and said

Cool ... cool. '

Passers-by are puzzled. Asked, "What do you like?"

The family cried:' Great ... awesome! !

2. One day, the turtle's father, the turtle's mother and the turtle's son decided to go for an outing. They brought a Shandong pie and two cans of sea water.

Chicken, and then set off for Yangmingshan. After ten years of hard work, it's finally here! They sat on the floor and unloaded their equipment accurately.

Prepare dinner. Turns out I didn't bring a can opener!

Son of a turtle: "... I'll go back and get it." 」

Father Tortoise: "Good son! Come on! Mom and dad are waiting for you to come back for dinner. Go back quickly! "

Tortoise son: "Be sure to wait for me! Don't break your word! "

So turtle son set foot on the road home. ...

Time flies, time flies, 20 years have passed, but the turtle son has not appeared yet.

Mother turtle: "wife ... do you want to have dinner first?" I'm super hungry ... "

Tortoise Dad: "No! We promised our son! Ok ... wait for him for five years, or let him go! "

It's been five years, and the turtle son still hasn't seen it. Tortoise parents don't care! My parents decided to have dinner together.

Take out the pie and get ready to eat. ...

Suddenly, turtle son poked his head out from behind the tree. ...

Turtle son: "Shit! I knew you would steal! Trick me into getting a can opener? I waited for 25 years and finally got it! I hate being cheated!

Xiao Xin: Dad, why are there three gold medals in my name?

Dad: You are short of gold in your life, so you are named Xin, just like some people are short of water, so you are named Miao, and some people are short of wood, so you are named Sen.

Xiao Xin: Dad, what do you think is missing from Sister Guo Jingjing's life?

4. A boyfriend and girlfriend fell in love on a park bench. The woman suddenly wants to fart.

Say to the man: I am like a cuckoo. Does that sound like you?

Men are willing to listen

So, under the cover of "goo goo" birdsong, the woman happily farted.

W: Does it sound like a cuckoo?

Man: What a fart! I didn't catch it!

5. The tortoise is hurt. Let snails buy medicine. Two hours have passed and the snail hasn't come back yet. The tortoise scolded in a hurry, damn it, I'll die if I don't come back! At this time, the snail's voice came from outside the door: you fucking said I wouldn't go!

6. One day, an elephant was taking a bath. Suddenly an ant came up to the elephant and said. You stand up. Stand up at the beginning. Ants! You sit down. The elephant asks the ant what you want to do. Stand for a while, sit for a while. Ants answer! I lost my underwear. Let me see if you stole it.

7. The elephant accidentally stepped on the ant's nest, and the ant crawled on the elephant. The elephant shook its body and the ants fell down. At this time, there was another elephant around its neck, and the fallen ant shouted "strangle it".

8. One morning in computer class, a row of classmates' computers crashed. So a classmate stood up and said, "Teacher, the computer crashed, and our platoon was all dead." At this time, many students said, "We are dead, too." Then the teacher asked, "Who else is not dead?" Only one classmate stood up and said, "I'm not dead yet!" " "The teacher said strangely," the whole class is dead. Why don't you die? "

9. Before eating peanuts, monkeys should put peanuts in their buttocks before taking them out. The administrator explained: Someone once fed it peaches, but the peach core could not be pulled out. The monkey is afraid. You must measure it before eating now.

10 Xiaoming: "Dad, am I a stupid child?"

Dad: "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy ..."

1 1. Tell a story: "Once upon a time, there was a eunuch ............."

Someone can't help asking, "What's next?"

Continue to tell the story: "Below? No ... "

12, a person who just learned a foreign language was walking in the street that day and accidentally stepped on a foreigner's foot. The man quickly said, "I'm sorry." The foreigner also said politely, "I'm sorry, too." Hearing this, the man quickly said, "I'm sorry, three." Foreigners have become stupid. The man said helplessly, "I'm sorry."

13. A letter from the Tang Priest to the Monkey King.

Dear Wukong:

I write this letter slowly, because I know you can't read fast!

It rained twice this week, the first time for 4 days, and the second time for 3 days!

Did you have a good time in Huaguoshan? I had a terrible time in heaven. Because there is no gravity, my stool, urine, tears and nose can't fall off. Do you feel bitter?

Our beef noodles here are delicious. Let's go to the restaurant in West Street for hot pot when you come another day!

Your Guanyin sister is going to have a baby, so I don't know whether you want to be an uncle or an aunt for the time being, because I don't know whether it will be a boy or a girl!

Did you receive the clothes I sent you? I was afraid of being overweight when I was ready to post it, so I cut the button and put it in my pocket!

It's very late to write here. Come and play with me sometime. Remember not to drink more water, or it will be very uncomfortable if you can't pee here!

P.S. wants to send you money, but the envelope is stuck!

14, a patient with indigestion complained to the doctor: I have been very abnormal recently. Pull whatever you eat, cucumber and watermelon, how to return to normal? The doctor is silent for a moment, then you can only eat shit.

15, someone went to Shanghai on business and lost a dollar in the street. The police said, "We'll help you find it." When the man went again in January, the street where he lost his money was dug up to build a road, and he could not help but sigh, "Everything in Shanghai is real."

16, classic joke: This ant One day, an ant was sunbathing when he suddenly saw an elephant coming slowly, so he got up and straightened his front legs. The rabbit next to you is busy asking what you are doing. The ant said, "Shh ~ ~ ~ ~ Keep your voice down and watch me kick him."

17, the earthworm family was bored that day, so the little earthworm cut himself into two pieces to play badminton. Mother earthworm thinks this method is good, so she cuts herself into four pieces to play mahjong. Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into minced meat. Mother earthworm cried and said, "why are you so stupid?" You will die if you cut so hard! " Father earthworm said weakly ... I suddenly want to play football.

18, the tortoise and the hare raced ... The hare quickly ran to the front ... The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly ... and said to him: Come on, I'll carry you ... Then ... the snail climbed up ... Soon ... The tortoise saw an ant again ... and said to him: Come up, too .. So the ant came up. When the ant came up, he saw the snail on it and greeted him. Do you know what the snail said? Snail said: hurry up, this turtle is so fast. ..

19, one day, a family caught fire, and both parents escaped, leaving only one son inside. Mother nervously shouted outside the house: "Son ... what are you doing ... you won't come out after the fire ..." The son replied: "I'm wearing socks ..." The mother said: "What socks are you wearing after the fire ..." Five minutes later, the son hasn't come out ... The mother shouted nervously again: "Son! Come out ~ There's a fire, and you're still inside ... "The son said," I'm taking off my socks. ........

23. A man went fishing by the river, first wearing a leaf ~ no fish took the bait for a long time, then he changed a piece of bread ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~ no choice but to change earthworms ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~ ~ He was angry ~ He took out 100rmb and fell into the water and cursed, "*-# What do you want to eat! Buy it yourself! ! !

24. My deskmate has a cold and a runny nose, but he forgot to bring his handkerchief and has been sucking it through his nose. The Chinese teacher suddenly turned around and shouted, "That's enough! Stop it! Too noisy! " The whole class was silent. The teacher added, "Who steals noodles in class? What are you arguing about? "

25. The patient said to the dentist, "You really make money. You earned $3 in just three seconds. "

The doctor replied, "If you like, I can pull it out in slow motion."

26. "Narcissism" means that you must be reborn as a woman in your next life and then marry a man like me; "Despair" means that the restaurant ordered two dishes and ate the first one: "Is there anything worse in the world? ! "Eat the second" shit! There really is! " "Silence" means that the judge asks: Why do you want to print counterfeit money? The criminal said: I can't print real money.

27. The Weaver Girl came down to take a bath and met the Cowherd. She performed a love story that made the gods cry. This tells us that there is no chance to take a bath at home, so we must take a bath outside. .....

28. Xiaoming returned to the classroom after going to the toilet and said to the teacher, "There are many ants in the toilet." The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant for ants, so he tested Xiaoming. "What did ants say?" Xiao Ming looked blank ... and then said, "The ant didn't say anything ..."

29. A person always farts at work, and his colleague can't help but say, "Can you be quiet?" Then I saw him sitting there trembling. Colleagues asked him strangely what he was doing, and he replied, "I didn't make any noise, but now it's tuned to vibration!" " ! ! "

30. Mother Mosquito: "What's the matter with you, son?" The little mosquito cried and said, "Today, the little fly bullied me and called me a bloodthirsty vampire." The mother mosquito said, "Ignore it. Their home is not a good thing either. They all grew up eating shit.

3 1, I spent 80,000 yuan to buy a Western Zhou pottery jar. Yesterday, I went to the appraisal column, and the expert said seriously, "Which Western Zhou did this belong to?" This is from last week!

32. Son: "Mom, I failed the math exam today." Mother: "Why, what's the problem?" Son: "The teacher asked me 2*3=? I said =6. " Mother: "That's right, and then what?" Son: "The teacher asked me 3*2=?" Mother: "Isn't this the same?" Son: "That's what I said. ..

33. A prisoner was shot. Bullets are produced in a county, and the quality is not good. The first shot was not fired, and then the second shot was fired ... the third shot ... at this time, the prisoner cried, "You strangle me, it's so scary!"

34. The father told his son a story: "Uncle told Xiaoyang to cut wood, but Xiaoyang cut down his uncle's favorite peach tree. Uncle was angry but didn't scold him. Do you know why? " The son replied, "Maybe Xiaoyang still has an axe in his hand, so he didn't dare to scold him.

35. dung beetles and Mozzie fell in love for the first time. Dung beetles: "What do you do?" Mosquito: "Nurse, give me an injection." Dung beetles grabbed the mosquito's hand and wept bitterly: "Fate, I'm also a doctor, Chinese medicine, and I pinch pills.

36, men always can't find a girlfriend, but go to fortune telling. The fortune teller said: you are doomed to have no women in the first half of your life; Not that person's eyes lit up: then I should have it all my life? The fortune teller said, well, you will get used to living alone for the rest of your life.

37. When someone was eating, he couldn't see a piece of beef in the beef Lamian Noodles, so he pointed to the bowl and asked the boss: Why is there no beef in the beef Lamian Noodles? The boss said flatly, don't take it too seriously. You still expect a wife who eats old woman's cake?

38. Three mice tasted American, Japanese and China wines respectively. The mouse that drank American wine fell down in three steps; The mouse who drank Japanese wine fell down after two steps; The mouse drinking China Erguotou, with a kitchen knife in his hand, shouted, "Where's the fucking cat?"

While eating in a restaurant, a customer who had been waiting for a long time called the waiter and asked, "Why isn't the braised fish I ordered ready yet?" "Just a moment, sir." "What? What are you waiting for? " The customer was very angry and said, "Is your fish fresh?"

40. One day, the cow gave the donkey a difficult problem and asked which of the two bugs under the word "stupid" was male and which was female. The donkey racked his brains, but he still couldn't answer. Cow scolds: What a donkey, male left and female right!

4 1, a man wants to jump off a building, and his wife who just came back shouted, "Husband, don't be impulsive, we still have a long way to go!" Hearing this, the man jumped down without hesitation. The negotiator standing by said, "Madam, you really shouldn't threaten him like this.

42. The director and the section chief take the elevator. After farting, the director said to the section chief, "You farted." The section chief said, "I didn't fart." Soon, the section chief was dismissed. The director said at the meeting, "You can't afford a big fart. What's the use of asking you? "

43. A lazy cat went crazy after a mouse and finally got married. After marriage, the cat took care of the mouse in every way, and the mouse soon became fat. The mouse was very moved: "Dear, why are you so kind to me?" The cat smiled and said, "You'll know when you get fat.

44. Every time I look in the mirror, I always encourage myself mentally: "I am very creative. Ugliness is not my intention. God, don't lose your temper. I will live bravely and use my endless creativity to set off the beauty of this world! Actually, I am really, really creative. ...

45. Friends go climbing together. When they reached the top of the mountain, a girl shouted to the beautiful mountains and rivers: motherland! My mother! A boy who secretly loves her quickly shouted: motherland! My mother-in-law

46. I bought two puppies before, one called you "face" and the other called myself "ass"! It's not two days since Face died in a car accident. Every time I see your ass, I think of your face! If your face were still there, it would be as big as your ass now!

47. After Tang Zeng drove Wukong away, he met the monster again. He had to spell to summon Wukong back for help. Soon, a new voice came from the air: "I'm sorry. The subscriber you dialed is out of service. Please try again later.

48. When the mouse went to the toilet, he was too scared to say a word when he saw the bear. The bear looked at the mouse and said, "Can't you shed your hair?" The mouse shivered and said nothing. The bear asked again, "Can't you depilate?" The mouse trembled and said, "No …" The bear grabbed the mouse and wiped his ass and left! 【 Use the mouse as toilet paper. ..

49. I just chatted with my friends, and some of them talked about you. Do you know? I quarreled with them and almost got into a fight, because some of them said you looked like a monkey and some said you looked like an orangutan. It was really too much! I didn't treat you like a pig at all!

50. Panda's birthday, tell everyone: I made two wishes, one is to cure my dark circles, and the other is to have a color photo.

5 1, bees chase butterflies, butterflies marry snails. The bee doesn't understand: where is he better than me? Butterfly replied: people at least have their own house, unlike you who live in a dormitory.

52, the woman is ugly, can't marry, and hopes to be trafficked. Finally, my dream came true, but I couldn't sell it for half a month. The kidnapper sent him back, but she insisted on not getting off. The kidnapper gritted his teeth and stamped his feet: Let's go, don't want the car.

53. Twenty years ago, my father held you waiting for the bus. Everyone laughed at the ugly child, and my father cried. An old man selling bananas patted his father and said, "Don't cry, big brother, give the monkey a banana!" " ! Poor thing, I'm so hungry that I have no hair. "

On the plane, a parrot said to the stewardess, "Give me a glass of water." The pig followed the parrot's example and said to the stewardess, "Give me a glass of water." The stewardess was furious and threw the parrot and pig off the plane. At this time, the parrot said to the pig, "You are stupid, I can fly."

55. A little dog climbed onto your dining table and crawled towards a roast chicken. You are furious and say, if you dare to do anything to that roast chicken, I will dare to do anything to you. The dog licked the chicken's ass and you fainted. The dog said, look who is cruel!

56. When you were walking on the road, a bitch jumped on you, bit off a piece of meat from your foot and swallowed it quickly. When you put out your foot to kick it, the dog said with tears: You fight, anyway, I already have your flesh and blood in my stomach!

A farmer went to a porn salon to wash his hair. On entering the door, he saw a man with a big head washing his hair there. A young lady came up and asked him whether he washed his hair big or small. The farmer looked at the big-headed man and looked at himself in the mirror. He felt that his head was much smaller than that of the man and said, I wash my hair. Miss said; 5 yuan with big head and 80 with small head. Go up. The farmer ate a catty: "Holy shit. Why is the small head so much more expensive than the big head? "

57. A woman was on the train because she suddenly came. So he quickly changed a health gold, opened the window and threw it down. Right in front of a farmer who is working in the field. Cried the farmer. ; This damn train is really fast. A piece of paper can make my face bleed. ..

58. A couple set up a stall by the river on Valentine's Day. It's a little cold. The woman felt very cold and said to the man, honey, it's really cold tonight. Then he looked at the boy. The man hesitated and said; Yes, fortunately, I wore two clothes. '

59. A manager goes to work in a company. .. the secretary found that the manager's pants were unzipped. So he said to the manager; Manager, your garage door is not closed properly. The manager looked at it and quickly asked the secretary; Did you see that car? ? The secretary thought for a moment and replied, I didn't see the car. It sees two tires. '

60. A farmer's daughter was too ugly to marry, so the farmer had to let her work as a scarecrow in the corn field to scare crows. As a result, when she got there, she not only scared away the crows, but even scared three crows to send back the corn they had stolen before.

6 1, the two brothers quarreled. .. The older one lost the battle .. So the older one said angrily; If I knew about you, born this way, I should tell Dad to shoot you on the wall for two seconds.

62. Mother Chen has twins in her belly. Every night, the twin brothers talk.

Brothers; Uh ... Why is dad so unsanitary and spits at us every time he comes?

Brothers; Yes, it's better for the uncle who delivers milk next door. Put it back in the bag every time you vomit.

63. A country girl went to her parents' house with a basket of eggs ... On the way, she met several big men who pushed her to the ground and raped her. ..

Say that finish, big shot left in a hurry. ...

Village girl unhurriedly dressed and said; I thought I was robbing eggs. That's all.

Please accept it, otherwise I will delete it before 1 hour.