Qq jokes daquan

1, I heard that you were * *, which really scared me! Although you have dementia since childhood, it is harmless to society! Who is so bold, dare to sell you! I'm worried about him. It's strange to sell!

2. What road is too narrow to walk? What road is getting dizzy? What passers-by dream of? What makes you angry? Answer: Route, Lost, Cailu, Bagya Road.

I know you pay attention to hygiene. Wash your hands carefully every time you go to the toilet. Suddenly you stopped washing your hands. I'm surprised: why don't you wash your hands? You answer: I brought paper this time!

4, imperial edict: Feng Tianyun, the emperor said: Because you look like a fairy, the harem beauty is not as good as your eyebrows. It is better to shed tears and move north. Emperor Ming Sheng specially invited you to have dinner and chat with him in the palace on March 8th. I admire this!

Two men were playing by the river and saw a beautiful woman fall into the river. One man was about to save him, and another man took him away. Wait a minute. Now the rescuer can't do artificial respiration.

6. When a beautiful figure passes by you, you always smile and watch for a long time; Although you are devoted and romantic, there will always be complaints. No wonder girls often say you: it's not a discharge for me, just an affair!

7. Tell you a top secret way to attract a thousand-year marriage. Please go to the nearest telephone pole and say loudly to the wild advertisement above: "My illness is saved!" " "

8. There was a sloppy anorectal doctor who wrote in his medical record after seeing the patient: Anal speech. After reading it, the chief doctor angrily wrote on the medical record: Bullshit!

9. A lady came out of the bathtub and suddenly found that a window cleaner had seen her. He was stunned and looked at the man stupefied. "What's the matter with you, madam? Haven't you ever seen a window cleaner? "

10, Americans use Apple mobile phones and Apple computers. Because Americans eat beef and need apples to balance their cholesterol, American apple brands are more delicious.

1 1, this is an old legend: at midnight, pick up the phone and press 12 0, and you will hear it. You Dial. Yes Electricity. Words. Yes Empty. Number.

12, Xiaoming pushes his bowl to Xiaojie's side: "Try my rice …" Xiaojie scoops up a big spoon and feeds it into his mouth. "Did you see it?" Xiao Ming added.

13, good news from the delivery room, people have gone up; The underpants are used as vests, and people bring them up; When socks were put on, people jumped up; Leather shoes buckle, people's status is getting higher and higher.

14, a leader went to the countryside for a census and asked an old farmer: Do you know why close relatives can't get married? The old farmer replied with a simple and honest smile: Hehehe, Hehehe, the relationship is too familiar, and there is no way to start.

15, during the summer vacation, Mijia camped for a month. When he came back, his father asked him: Is your tent leaking? Mi Jia thought for a moment and said, Dad, when it rains, it just leaks.

16, if you hate a man, turn his woman into Chris Lee, so that he can't enjoy the upper body happiness. If you beat a woman, beat her man into Chris Lee, so that she can't enjoy the happiness of the lower body.

17, I found that my wife has become witty recently. She sets two alarm clocks every morning. When the first alarm clock rang, she brought in underwear and stuffed it on my stomach. The second alarm clock rang, and she immediately put it on and got up, leaving me lying in a messy cold bed.

18, the zoo held a model contest, and Cobra won the first place. The elephant said unconvinced, "I am so plump and you are so thin, which is less than one-fifth of mine." I am not satisfied. " Cobra: "Brother, you are out. I don't know if skinny beauty is popular in society now? "

19, in front of the lady, a beggar begged the hostess and said, madam, I haven't seen meat for a whole year. The lady called the servant and quickly brought a plate of meat to the man.

20. When I got home at noon, I felt so hot that I turned on the air conditioner. After driving for a while, I felt cold and turned it off. So I switched the air conditioner back and forth. Finally, simply open all the windows and turn on the air conditioner, and finally feel comfortable. Just lying down, the alarm clock rang and it was time to go to work again!

2 1. After coming back from the National Day holiday, the girl the company likes has never come to work. I thought she had resigned. It's so sad. She came to work today! And gave me a candy ... I cried with joy.

22. During the exam, a candidate rolled his eyes on the table from beginning to end. After the exam, the teacher saw on his test paper that it was difficult for his grandson to write a question, but his son was very strict in invigilation. I can't do it, so I have to hand in a blank sheet of paper.

23. Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was an idiot. He is so stupid that when people ask him any questions, he just shakes his head or answers "No". Have you heard this story?

24. Lao Wang: My wife and I have been married for 30 years, and we always hold hands in the street. Xiao Wang: You have such a good relationship! Lao Wang: As soon as I let go, she went shopping.

25. The whole family drove for an outing. My son always reminds his parents to look at the scenery outside the window. "Mom, look, cow!" "Mom, look, goat" "Dad, dad, look, beautiful girl!"

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are showing in the cinema. Someone told the cinema owner to change a movie called "The Life of One Woman and Seven Men", and the audience was full!

27. In the past, the school said that it was necessary to have a physical examination and a stool test, and then everyone took a little. Then an alumnus put it in Chow Tai Fook's bag and box. Then I was robbed by a motorcycle driver halfway through.

28. In the vast sea of people, when you receive this sincere blessing, please try your best to hit your head against the wall-see? Countless stars in front of you are my infinite concern!

29. Send you an email in case you pretend not to see it; Calling you, I don't know what to say; I have to text you to tell you that your boy is awesome now? How long has it been since you saluted me?

30. I will build your happiness; I will make up for your confusion; I will satisfy your greed; I will give in to your willfulness; I'm the only one who cares about you. I am a professional pig farmer.

3 1, a poor family, thieves quietly pushed the door and sneaked into the house at night. The wife told her husband that there was a thief, and her husband said to ignore him! The thief turned to go out empty-handed, and the master said, walk slowly, please close the door!

32. Chinese Valentine's Day, Grandpa, I'm worried about being harassed by self-proclaimed text messages. A master told me that as long as I turned it off, grandpa tried to turn it off. Now that I'm on, there's not a message in my mailbox. I have to say, it's really effective

33, twist, healthy and carry; Ho, you have everything for me; Take a break, feel refreshed and do a somersault; Received the receipt and received the blessing: May you stay happy and have a happy life!

Feifei: You don't love me as much as before. Now you don't ask why when you see me crying. A Ju: I'm sorry, because my financial ability is not as good as it used to be. I have to go to big shopping malls every time I ask questions. I can't ask.

35. I passed the dormitory building and something floated on it. Looking up at the whole building, I saw tears streaming down my face. Hmm? Braised taste. Shit! Who is so unethical, filling soup after eating instant noodles!

The boss remembered that he didn't bring his passport at the airport, so he said to the driver, "Go back and see if my passport is in the right drawer." The driver came back an hour later: "The passport is still in the drawer."

37. A woman got on the bus in a one-step skirt, but the skirt was too tight to lift her legs, and she still couldn't unbutton the two buttons of the skirt. Later, I saw a man staring at her and calling her a rogue! Man: You are a rogue. You untied us all so quickly!

38. In the zoo, a lady asked the keeper: Is that hippo male or female? Keeper: Madam, I don't think anyone will be interested in this question except another hippo.

39. To show us? Z, I think we'd better have similar pinyin names, for example, my name is Sila and your name is Dundunla. This is a good example, don't you think?

40. Pig said, "Brother, go to the hospital quickly. I heard that the hospital opened a department specially for you. " Wukong: "Oh? What department? " "Two forced monkeys!"

4 1, dad: I came back with zero eggs, and you humiliated me! But the only thing that makes me happy is that you certainly didn't cheat in the exam. Son: That's not accurate. It was cheating that didn't work.

42. The magpie flies, and the mother tells the child that it is a happy bird or guest, the swallow flies, and the mother says that it is a beneficial bird or guest, and the crow flies. The children asked if you were my guest. The crow said, I am a hacker.

43. The college roommate got along well with the class teacher, but the class teacher's family disagreed, forcing her to marry someone else. The day before the wedding, her roommate asked her out. That night, there were tears, sweat and that kind of water. All the water has flowed away! What a good teacher! He teaches his students everything!

44. The wild boar got married and everyone came to celebrate. I saw the groom riding a wolf to pick up the bride. Everyone is confused. The wild boar groom said unhurriedly: on the big day, the men's wear of "riding a wolf" made me more pies!

45. Military training for freshmen. Instructor assigned tasks: one class kills chickens, the other class steals eggs, and I cook porridge for you. Do you know what this means? It turns out that one class shoots and the other plays. I'll show you.

46. Wang Xiaoer's wife played mahjong until the early hours of the morning. In order not to disturb Wang Xiaoer, she crept into the bedroom in the living room first. When Wang Xiaoer woke up, he was shocked and said, "Oh, my God, you lost everything!" " !

47. The American said: We dug a very old wire in Washington, which means that we could make a phone call 200 years ago! China people said: We didn't dig anything, which means we started using mobile phones long ago!

48. I remember when I was in history class in high school, the boys in the back seat were sleeping. The teacher asked him a question and then woke him up. The boy whispered, no, but the teacher was right. Sit down. I feel dizzy. The teacher mistook "no" for "Congress", but it doesn't matter.

Teacher: Xiao Li, your skill is really great, which holds up half the sky in our class. Xiao Li: Why? Teacher: If you don't talk in class, our classroom will be half quiet!

Xiaohua: Yes … No … Xiaoming: What is Xiaohua doing? Xiaoying: She is peeling petals to decide whether to have a baby. Xiaoming: What's the other flower for? Xiaoying: It is used to decide who is the father of the child!

5 1, "What's the matter with you?" "I have loose bowels and my legs are running soft. What do you say? " "I have a way to come with me." "What are you doing in the bathroom?" "Why don't you sit still on the toilet?"

52. I haven't contacted my friends for more than a year, but I added QQ to say that I sell halal beef offal. Quality assurance, large quantity discount. I asked if there was a bullwhip. He said yes, I asked, is it awesome? He said yes, I said, then blow me!

53. Teacher: David, the teacher gave you 50 yuan, and then you borrowed 80 yuan from Xiaohu, so how much money do you have altogether? David: 0 yuan. Teacher: You don't know anything about math! David: You don't know anything about yourself and the tiger!

54. Pass by a shop called "Sister Rong". Out of curiosity, I went into the shop and took a look. The shopkeeper greeted me warmly and asked me, "Young man, are you here for acupuncture?"

Feifei went to see a variety show. The host saw that Feifei's nails were beautiful. "Look, Feifei's nails are colored." Feifei: "Ah ~ I'm poisoned."

56. The house can be smaller, the furniture can be older and the electrical appliances can be less, but as long as you are around, there will be more love and intimacy, and happiness and happiness will be full. Your home is a five-star hotel.

57. In the shade of the hospital, a couple are hugging and kissing. A doctor saw it and went over to the man and said, "You are so confused. You should put her flat on the ground for artificial respiration. Go away and let me do it. "

58. It is said that the middle position in the last row of the bus sits like an emperor. There were not many people on the bus today, so I gave it a try. As a result, I braked suddenly and almost killed Lao Zi.

59. Nowadays, people in China are very fashionable: they fell in love with Christmas and lost the Lantern Festival; Learn to be a fool and forget to be sober; I like my lover, but I snubbed Qu Yuan. But Koreans want to grab the Dragon Boat Festival. Do you agree? Forward if you don't agree!

60. The train has started. The conductor told a beautiful lady to close the door. The girl said, I haven't kissed my sister goodbye yet! Close the door and I'll take care of the rest.

6 1, you keep a low profile, live a simple life, think simply, and don't rhetoric. You are a rare honest man. Fortunately, I don't fall in love with my mother, otherwise I ... I fall in love with you so plain. What a thing!

After two generations of love became rich, they drove around the world, but just after he went out, his car was trapped in the desert. It seems that the little donkey is still useful. Where can I find it? Afandi thought: Communication is so developed, send a message to the little donkey!

63. Psychological research shows that men speak 2,000 words a day and women speak 7,000 words a day. Men are all finished with their work. I want to have a rest when I go home! And women still have 5 thousand words to say, so finish it! Thus, tragedy was born.

64. You have red enthusiasm, orange liveliness, black calmness, blue melancholy, green vitality, gray peace, purple romance, white elegance and yellow heart. No wonder people named you "Little Goat"!

A: Alas, I didn't expect my wife to cheat me! B: What's the matter? She didn't come home last night, but she said she was with her sister. B: Isn't it? She is lying. I was with her sister all night last night!

66. A prince is enchanted and can only say one sentence a year. He didn't speak for five years, saved five words and said to the princess: I love you, princess. The princess only said a word and the prince fainted at once. The princess said: What?

67. I have overcome my troubles. They don't love you at all. At the same time, I reprimanded my sorrow and told it not to flatter itself; Only happiness allows me to send you a sentence: it is willing to accompany you for a lifetime!

68. Three mice brag. A: You can't get drunk even if you jump into the jar. B: That's nothing. There are clips everywhere, so I still dance. C raised his hand and looked at his watch. Excuse me, I should pick up the cat.

69. I have heard of you since primary school. I have known you since junior high school. I have liked you since high school. I fell in love with you when I went to repeat. I lost you when I was in college. I want to get you again this year. I love you, Tsingtao Beer!

70. I have always been by your side, and I have been worried about you again and again. Are you full today? Did you sleep well? Will it be cold late at night? I always knew you couldn't take care of yourself. Every time I walk away, you jump out of the pigsty.

7 1, what is happiness? Happiness means shade when it is hot, fire when it is cold, food when it is hungry, water when it is thirsty, sleep when it is sleepy, and rest when it is tired. Happiness is to buy you some cat food when you have no money, and you are happy to eat it!

72. Which bastard said that fishermen have a good temper? Today, I saw a group of old people squatting by the river and fishing. Idiot friend picked up the stone and threw it into the river. At that time, seven or eight old men rushed up! Said he would hit us, lying in the trough, but fortunately we ran fast.

73. Just going out for dinner, there is a couple at the next table. The man fed his sister intimately, and her sister asked lyrically, Dear, who else have you fed besides me? Tell the truth! The man held back for a long time and stared at his sister sincerely: dog!

74. Last night, I was absorbed in watching TV, and my father picked up my mobile phone and threatened to peek at privacy. When I found the password, I answered frankly, "The password is my birthday!" " "I saw my father meditate for a while and silently put down his mobile phone and left.

75. Go out from the subway to buy goods in the morning! After I came back, I proudly said to my husband: I am wearing this purple coat, white fur collar, long hair shawl and mask today! The return rate is super high! Husband disapprovingly said: that's because people don't know your true face! Can this husband still have it?

76. If you shed tears, I would like to be the toilet paper in your hand; If you wake up, I will be the shit in your eyes; If you are hot to death, I am willing to be the only piece of cloth left on you.

77. God, in modern civilization, it is not illegal to make a fool of yourself and make money. Otherwise, your ugly face will be sentenced to life, and if you have to, you will be sentenced to 10 thousand years, but if you like it, you will often visit the prison!

78. Car accident! The driver is unconscious and the pet dog is safe. The traffic police asked the dog: What was your master doing before the accident? The puppy is drinking water and wobbling. Traffic police: Oh, drinking. Then what are you doing? The puppy sits up and holds the steering wheel with both hands.

79. My second-rate girlfriend and I passed the gate of a primary school. There was a sign on it that children were forbidden to take three cars without cars. Then I asked her, do you know what "three car-free" is? Idiot thought for a moment and replied: no brakes, no steering wheel, no driver.

You have the right to remain silent, but every message you reply will be a witness of our friendship and a proof that I will treat you to a big meal in the future. Don't be stingy with your fingers. For our friendship, please reply more messages!

8 1, female: "I am a simple girl, and I don't have too high requirements for marriage, as long as I have a home and a shelter from the wind and rain!" Man: "Sister, is that thing you said called a house?"

82. I want to change all my savings into steel jumpers, more than 300 pieces. Nothing to play with, but also to hang around and listen to the sound. If you dare to mess with me, I'll hit you with steel, and your head is wrapped in a bag to show you the power of the rich!

83. Today, I saw a dead fish in the river. The son saw it and said, "Mom, you see a fish drowned in the river. He didn't listen to his mother and went to the river to take a bath and drowned! " The child's brain hole is so big that I am speechless!

84. One day, an education father thought it was time. He called his son to his side: "Son, dad wants to talk to you ... about sex." The son replied, "OK. Dad, do you want to know? "

85. At lunch at my friend's house, my friend asked me: Do you regret talking to her for so long? I said that the second stupid thing I did in 25 years was to fall in love with her and talk to her for three years. Friend: Oh? The first one is stupid: I didn't marry her.

86. A young man who just left the army was robbed by two robbers in the middle of the night. The robbers swore at him and asked him to hand over the money. After all, the young man just came out of the army. He shouted "Hey", immediately punched three sets of military fists, and then was stabbed more than 30 times.

87. Look at your lemon head, mouse eyes, aquiline nose, eight eyebrows, ears, big mouth, rabbit teeth, wick neck, high and low shoulders, long and short hands, chicken breast, dog belly and useless waist. Hurry back to Mars. The earth is very dangerous.

88. My parents said that I stayed in a hotel with them when I was young. When I got up in the morning, they found me skillfully brushing my teeth with a toothbrush. The problem was that the washbasin in the hotel was higher than mine, so they asked me how to fill it. I took them into the toilet and pointed to the toilet. ...

89. Send money, send money and live a better life; Happy, happy, with pockets full of money; Watch it, watch it, the wallet will soon lose weight; Gifts, gifts, a stack is gone. Save a dime at ordinary times. I wish you unlimited money in the future!

90. My daughter, my father loves me very much. Once my father took me to buy sportswear, and I took a fancy to a set of more than 800. Dad said, "Buy whatever color you like." Finally bought three sets. When I swiped my card and went out, I heard a salesman's weak voice: "This is really ugly!" "

9 1, my student Wang, went to the canteen to cook today, and everyone knows the aunt in the canteen. Cutting vegetables, a sister is cooking, and an aunt is shaking there. Sister instantly grabbed aunt's hand and said piteously, aunt, don't shake, please, don't shake.

92. An old guy always loses his car. He bought a new car, locked it three times, put it downstairs, and put a note inside, which said: Let you steal it! The next day, he found that the car was not lost, just an extra lock and a note that said: Let you ride!

93. Two biologists saw a beautiful woman passing by. Old man: Like us, she is more than 75% water. Young colleague: But look at the surface tension!

94. The advantages of snake bite are: you can dig sweet potatoes in the ground, cover your chin when it rains, separate tea residue when drinking tea, use it as a knife and fork when eating, and be cut twice to stop snake bite.

95. One day, I read my son's homework. The content of the homework is "Like Dad". The son wrote: Dad is as fat as a pig. I asked my son why he wrote this. The son asked, don't you like it?

96. The instructor is a cat, I am a mouse, and I want to stand upright like a tree. The buddies next to me don't admit defeat. They must stand up, kick and knock out their teeth. I hope the students will train well, cultivate their endurance and live in harmony with the instructors.

97. Smile in your heart, take stock of seven tricks to pick up girls, turn misunderstanding into love, build a "backyard", see the truth in adversity, lie against your will, don't blush, sweet talk is indispensable, coquetry is lazy and pitiful, and adventure is the key to emotional sublimation.

98. Father tells a story to his son: Once upon a time, there was a frog ... Son: Is there a science fiction story? Father: Once upon a time there was a frog in space ... Son: Is there a limit level? Father: shh ~ keep your voice down so that mom can't hear you. Once upon a time, there was a frog with no clothes on …

99. Gohan and Stupid Bear are drunk. Gofan said to the stupid bear, I knelt for an hour when I proposed to my wife. Are you on your knees? Stupid bear proudly said: My wife said I wouldn't kneel, and there will be many opportunities in the future!

100, a funeral administrator went on a blind date, and the girl asked about her job. The man said, my work is the most sacred. Responsible for sending people to the happiest place. Girl: Playground? Man: Heaven.

10 1. The goddess asked me to borrow money and repeatedly promised to pay it back, but I hesitated. She asked, "You don't believe me?" I told her, "My mother said that the more beautiful a woman is, the less trustworthy she is." She smiled coldly: "You trust your mother so much, it seems that your mother is quite ugly."

102, a man won the 5 million prize, found his girlfriend and said, "honey, I won 5 million, let's split it!" " The girlfriend nodded, and the man said he was going to break up, and the woman cursed: "Nima, I thought you were going to split the money with me!" " "

103. Little girls always show off their new toys to little boys. The little boy had no choice but to take off his pants and say, do you have this? You will never! The girl also took off her pants and said, it's not rare! My mother said you can have as much as you want as long as you have this!