Happy and funny talk

1. Summer without watermelon is not a good summer.

2. I play too much on the computer and want to fast forward when watching TV.

3. Winter is coming, and I accidentally washed the quilt.

4. A tailor who doesn’t want to be a cook is not a good driver.

5. Cover up sadness, loneliness and sigh, the first experience of love.

6. There are so many beauties in the country, which attract countless mistresses to commit coquettish acts.

7. Underwear is like knowledge, invisible, but important.

8. In the current weather, instant noodles can be soaked directly in tap water.

9. I don’t know what’s good about you, I just want to see you take a shower.

10. I love you is not just a word, this love will last a lifetime.

11. There is only one day left in the National Day, it’s time to get ready for the New Year!

12. I asked the electric fan today if I was ugly, and it shook its head all afternoon!

13. It’s okay to joke. First, don't cross people's bottom line, and second, don't poke people's pain points.

14. The most painful thing in the world is to be woken up by peeing while sleeping soundly.

15. Don’t call me a light bulb from now on, call me the brightest star in the night sky.

16. Look at your appearance, you look like you are joking!

17. Smart people are all unmarried. It is difficult for married people to become smart again!

18. For Russia, the happiest thing is when the two of them go shopping hand in hand.

19. Take out your complaints and bask in the sun every day, and your mood will not be lacking in calcium.

20. True fate is not God’s arrangement, but your initiative.

21. Wear the most beautiful wedding dress at the right age and marry the most stable person.

22. Just by looking at you one more time in the crowd, you thought I wanted to take a taxi.

23. I am not the kind of person who adds insult to injury. I just seal the well.

24. I cry because you love me too much, and I laugh because you care about me too much.

25. Many things are somewhere between not being aggrieved and being hypocritical.

26. Question: What do you like about me? Answer: I like you to stay away from me!

27. A quick look at you will tell you that you are not very good, but a closer look at you is worse than a quick look at you.

28. When God gives us youth, he also gives us acne.

29. Listen, I have my own attitude, and it’s not your turn to tell me that I failed.

30. Promises are like farts, earth-shattering at the time, but pale and feeble afterwards.

31. You chased me, making me give up the motive of getting married and have the intention of returning to secular life.

32. I don’t believe in eternal love, because I will only love you more and more day by day.

33. The performance of each subject is closely related to the appearance of the teacher in each subject!

34. Fatty people eat one bite at a time. See who can reach the sky in one step.

35. Every morning when I wake up, I have a cool hairstyle, either a Saiyan or Ultraman.

36. Boys are strong to express themselves, and girls are strong to protect themselves.

37. Don’t look at me with those innocent puppy eyes, it will make me want to eat dog meat.

38. The girl is eighteen or nineteen, holding my hand. Even if you tell me all your sad things, you still want to come with me.

39. In fact, I am a psychopath who has been lurking in the world of normal people for many years.

40. Those women who can’t unscrew bottle caps are just faking it. Ask her to try opening an express delivery.

41. Don’t think that just because a girl is beautiful, she can seduce me. At least she must be stupid enough!

42. Doctor, what are the symptoms of my illness? I feel dizzy and want to vomit after seeing my homework

43. Every time a new book is published, the first reaction is to turn to the last page to see if there is any Answer.

44. In fact, your nagging is the happiest time in my life, but I don’t know it.

45. Break up, why don't you add more salt because the relationship is weak?

46. Buddha said: The sea of ??suffering is boundless, but when you turn around, you will find shore. I said: There is no shore, so where can I find a shore when I turn back?

47. What gift will you receive on National Day? I will receive new traffic for a month!

48. You are the one who pushes me and tells me to work harder, and the one who holds me and lets me do it without having to hold on is you.

49. I like to eat when I am unhappy. I get fat when I eat. I am unhappy when I gain weight.

50. Learn Feng Shui when you have time. Having a good tomb after your death can make up for the regret of not being able to afford a good house during your lifetime.

51. I want stable scores, can withstand the cruelty of exams, and have a destination among the piles of top students.

52. When someone asks me what happiness is, I tell them that happiness is when the person you love smiles at you.

53. The most painful thing in life is that after going through a super storm, not only did you not see the rainbow, but you also caught a cold.

54. I wish you the coming of summer: Pepsi-Cola Mirinda, Very Coke Ice Tea, Coca-Cola Wahaha.

55. In such a strong wind, girl, my hair is really in various postures, placement, surging, and floating.

56. When you see this question and think of someone, congratulations, you have fallen in love with her.

57. Every time I want to find someone to accompany me, I find that some people cannot be found, some people should not be found, and some people cannot be found.

58. No matter how you travel through thousands of mountains and rivers, day and night, I firmly believe that you will never get out of the wilderness in my heart.

59. I think of you every day, miss you at night, surround you in my dreams, look at you in my eyes, hold you in my hands, and love you in my heart!

60. Confession on April Fool’s Day is nothing, confession on Qingming Festival is the way to go, because if it fails, you will say that you are possessed by a ghost!

61. If you are willing to open my homework layer by layer, you will find that you will be surprised. This page is not written, and that page is not written either.

62. Some people fall in love with some songs as soon as they hear the intro, some people fall in love with them at first sight, and some people don’t want to do some homework after opening the first page.

63. People who used to say "Let's talk about it after the New Year" as a mantra before the New Year have changed it to "Let's talk about it after the New Year" after the New Year. This is just the New Year. .

64. I feel that Li Shimin is so stupid. If he had eaten Tang Monk instead of sending him to obtain scriptures, we would still be in the prosperous Tang Dynasty now!

65. Yao Jiaxin was sentenced to death in the first trial. After reading the news, the boss said to us in a serious voice, "Did you see, this is what will happen if you ask for a raise?"

66. Tang Monk wishes you a happy life, Wukong wishes you good health, Sha Monk wishes you good luck, Bajie, don’t you know what you want to say?

67. There are so many weapons in China, but you don’t learn swordsmanship; instead of learning the upper sword, you learn the lower sword; there are so many moves in the lower sword, you learn the drunken sword; you don’t learn the iron sword, but learn the silver sword. .

68. During the Chinese test, I always felt that I was British. During the English test, I felt that I was Chinese. During the math test, I found that I was an alien.

69. I have been working outdoors recently and have become tanned. When I went to the supermarket to buy some whitening skin care products, the salesperson even praised me: You speak Chinese very well.

70. Eating handfuls of candies, leading Xiao Erlang, carrying a big schoolbag, and squeezed into the car to go to school. Adults love to be fashionable, but children have a heavy burden. There are many schoolbags on the bus, and short skirts rarely stick close to them!

71. Install a traffic light at the intersection to direct the cars and the old man. Cars are running all over the street. The aunt is so scared that she trembles all over. She advises you to be a law-abiding person, not for your children and grandchildren.

72. Male: The world is so big, why are you holding on to me? You have your life, I have my freedom, letting go is true. Saleswoman: You just want to leave after taking something?

73. I long for love. One person’s smile is printed in the eyes of two people, and one tear is felt by two hearts. If the fate of this life is determined beforehand, I would like to use it to exchange for sincerity.

74. Love comes back a thousand times in my heart. I want to see you again. Let me know that you also feel in your heart that our love is not in vain. You and I will miss you deeply until the last day of our lives!

75. We have gone through many twists and turns to get to where we are today, and there may be more tests waiting for us, but I only know one thing, I love you, and I just want to be with you forever!

76. Doctor: Why can’t I find my pen? I want to give you a prescription. The patient reminded in a low voice: Doctor, didn't you put it in my armpit?

77. Reporter: You are over 80 years old, but you still call your wife dear. How do you do it? Uncle: Forget it. I have long forgotten her name, and I dare not ask.

78. Loving you is a kind of happiness, missing you is a kind of joy, waiting for you is a kind of test, missing you is a kind of test. Being used to loving you is a kind of cherishment. Kissing you is a kind of tenderness. Looking at you is a kind of enjoyment. Holding you is a kind of romance.

79. If I can meet you by burning incense for one year, get to know you by burning incense for three years, and cherish each other by burning incense for ten years, for my happiness in the next life, I am willing Convert to Christianity!

80. I dreamed last night that God said he could grant me a wish. I took out the globe and said I wanted world peace. He said it was too difficult to change to another one. I said I wanted to be beautiful, and he thought for a moment. He said he would take a look at the globe.

81. In English class, the teacher asked what word comes after the verb? Xiao Ming stood up very excitedly and shouted loudly: It’s a word, the verb is c, the verb is c. The vast end of the world is my love. Teacher: Get out

82. Her boyfriend said to her: I dreamed about it last night You know, your underwear is very wet when you wake up in the morning. She shyly asked her boyfriend: What on earth were you dreaming about? My boyfriend replied: I dreamed that you took off your makeup and it scared me to the point of peeing!

83. Waiting for the bus at the station, I heard a conversation between two old men. The eldest son asked me to live in Beijing, and the second son asked me to live in Hong Kong. You are so lucky, your two sons are so filial. The eldest son is in Hong Kong and the second son is in Beijing. Funny stories that make people happy

1. In the ice cream shop, the waiter brought a glass of lemonade and asked: Sir, what do you want to eat? I took a sip of water, opened the menu, looked through it, raised my head and asked her : Are there any noodles? She looked surprised at first, and then said rudely: This is not a Shanxi noodle restaurant! I laughed and said: Sorry, I entered the wrong store. After saying that, I walked out feeling less thirsty than before.

2. Passerby: How much does a pair of insoles cost? Auntie: 5 yuan. Passerby: Let me see. Auntie: I made them all by myself. Look at the stitches. Passerby: Do you want to sell it for 3 yuan? Auntie: No, you can’t even buy it at this price!

3. I remember that when we first entered junior high school, none of us knew the teacher well. Once in a math class, the teacher wanted a classmate to go up to the blackboard to do a problem, but he forgot his name. It happened that the classmate was very fat. Our teacher pointed at the child and said something shocking: "That ball, come here and do this." Question.

4. In elementary school, I loved to sleep in class. Once, the Chinese class teacher assigned an assignment to write a composition titled "If I Were a Spider." After class, I asked my classmates. I racked my brains at home that night and wrote an article "If I Were a Pig" that shocked the whole school. Later I became famous in school

5. Today in the office, a female colleague climbed on the desk with a sad face. I came up and asked what was wrong, was it uncomfortable there? The colleague sighed and said: My sister is about to have a baby. Me: Why are you sad when your sister gives birth? Colleague replied: After her child is born, I will be a veritable aunt!!!

6. Today I saw a classmate on the balcony looking at the sky with his mobile phone. I went over and asked him what he was looking at. He said he was waiting for the plane. I said again that you can’t get on the plane. He said: When the plane flies over me, I can chat with the stewardess on WeChat. How many 200000 sketch horses galloped past in my heart!

7. My friend took me on an electric car and told me to take pictures of the girl’s buttocks in front of me. After filming, we sped away. Later, when I took the photo, my friend stopped and said to me: What are you doing? The world is quiet

8. Thirty years later, Jimmy Lin got on the bus to swipe his senior citizen card and was kicked off by the driver. , while crying, someone patted him on the shoulder: Use my senior card. He raised his head and almost lost his voice: Degang! The other party raised his index finger in front of his mouth: Shh, I am his son.

9. When I was in college, I went to an Internet cafe to stay overnight. About 12 o'clock, the school leaders came to check if I didn't come home. All the people in the Internet cafe ran out, but they were all arrested by the leaders. Only one buddy escaped and I will tell you that when the school leader entered the Internet cafe, did he silently go to the corner to get a broom and sweep the floor there?

10. A few drift bottles were thrown into the mailbox. Content: Caichen, I am Xiaoqian, Guoer, I am aunt, I think it’s pretty good. I received a reply from a great god: Bajie, I am the master

11. She wears a phoenix crown and is as beautiful as a flower. She plays chess, calligraphy and painting, and she captivates the whole country. She is smart, talented and beautiful. Her country is beautiful and fragrant, and there are many admirers of her. She is cold and beautiful, and she is in a dilemma. She is unparalleled in the world, and she attracts everyone's attention. She is tolerant of those who wrong her, and she dispels injustice in the world. When she woke up, she remembered that the bowl from last night hadn't been rinsed yet, so she got up and ran to the kitchen.

12. Yesterday, a student came to school without washing his face, so I sent him home. Good idea, he must come to school clean today! No, all the classmates didn't wash their faces today.

13. Two days ago, a friend brought his naughty child from elementary school to my house. He turned my house into a mess and dismantled my collection of Transformers everywhere. So before leaving, I gave his parents a collection of elementary school math Olympiad exercises that I had treasured for many years.

14. I took my husband and daughter shopping today, and my daughter was walking in the middle. Suddenly he held both of our hands and started to sing that there was a chicken in my left hand and a duck in my right hand. Before I could react, my husband added that there was a toad in the middle and he is still coaxing his daughter.

15. It’s always hard to go out for a walk. Walk with your head up, for fear that you won't be able to pick up the money; walk with your head down, for fear that you won't be able to see the beauty. Then just nod and go.

16. Our class went hiking in the suburbs in the morning. When we were approaching the top of the mountain, the class teacher asked: Which student is the fastest? Me. replied the particularly naughty roommate. The head teacher said: Very good, the camera is still in the car, you go down and get it.

17. A friend sells recharge cards online. He always waits for the transaction platform to show that the buyer has paid, and then calls the other party to recharge the card. That day he told me that he had been cheated. I was very confused. He had already paid the money, could he still be cheated? He said: The person’s online name was the buyer who had paid. I didn’t look carefully and just charged the money. .

18. An old man said to his friend: I am so lonely! In this world, I have no other relatives except a puppy. My friend said with great sympathy: Then just get another puppy!

19. A friend and her sisters were eating in a restaurant. Their hands were stained with oil and they wanted to wipe it with paper. I took out a pack of sanitary napkins. Unexpectedly, she didn't realize that she had taken it wrong and tore it open. Her friend got up and quickly walked to the other side to grab it, fearing it would be embarrassing to be seen. As a result, this girl didn't know the situation, so she screamed when she saw her coming to grab her. It immediately attracted the attention of the whole restaurant! Immediately two male waiters rushed over: Miss, you can't change here, you can't change!

20. Uncle, Saturday is my birthday. My mother promised to hold a birthday party for me. Can you come to attend? I will definitely come. At that time, you only need to press the doorbell with your head, and I will open the door for you immediately. Why can't I ring the bell with my hand? I'm afraid you brought too many gifts and I can't spare any time!

21. The wife suddenly asked her husband: Do you love me? Yes, of course! Husband Answer without hesitation. The wife thought for a moment and then asked: Are you afraid of hurting me? The husband quickly said: No, no, I was afraid of you hurting me.

22. Xiao Ming was not good at math and was transferred to a church school by his parents. After half a year, I got straight A’s in math. Mom asked: Is it because the nuns teach well? Is it because the teaching materials are good? Is it because of prayer? None. Xiao Ming said, on the first day of entering school, I saw a person nailed to a plus sign, and I knew they were serious.

23. I went to a friend’s house to play, and it happened that the friend’s wife was breastfeeding (breast milk). It happened that the child refused to breastfeed, so I joked to the child: Eat quickly, or the uncle will eat it. 55555, I dare not see him. They are gone~! .

24. When I was in school, the school was a bungalow. When school started in September, many new students came. One day, a new student, who seemed to be a class representative, held a pile of homework and asked me: Where is the math office? Next to the men's room. The math office is indeed next to the men's room, but to the left.

The man walked to the right side of the men's room and shouted a report to the door. He paused for a moment, and a voice came from inside: "Don't let in~!"

25. One day I was drunk and held my urine in my pee. Open the zipper in front of the urinal, pinch your penis, and then relieve yourself very smoothly. However. . My crotch felt increasingly wet. . . He opened his eyes and looked down carefully, and found that what he had just pinched was the thumb of the other hand. . . . . Speechless~!

26. I remember that I was in college and living separately from my boyfriend. I usually use my mobile phone to keep in touch every day. One day, I called his cell phone and it was shut down. I happened to be going to the canteen downstairs to buy something, so I gave him 20 yuan to recharge his phone bill. Unexpectedly, as soon as I returned to the dormitory, my boyfriend called me. He said: Haha, I didn’t expect that there are such XB people in the world. They even charged up their phone bills on his mobile phone... Three black lines immediately hung on my head~!

27. Drunk , went home in a daze, and vomited soon after returning home. The next morning, my wife said: Just eat and drink when you go out, and don’t come home to report what you ate~!

28. When we were in the third year of high school, our history teacher was named Jianwen. There was Emperor Jianwen in the Ming Dynasty. One day when I was taking "Ancient History", the history teacher came into the classroom and said something in class, and the students below shouted "Long live the emperor, long live the emperor" (of course it was premeditated). What was strong was that the history teacher calmly replied: Everyone loves you ~ Pingsheng. Orz~ ?珏?~ At this time, the whole class is still standing~!

29. In the first aid class when I was in college, the professor was demonstrating cardiopulmonary resuscitation while talking: Professor: Press the chest with both hands, you can’t If the force is too strong, just press down 2~3cm. If the force is too strong, the patient's ribs may be broken easily! Professor: Please see the demonstration below (press hard with both hands), there will be a click! The ribs of the model are broken. I said awkwardly, get out of class is over~!

30. I went to my boyfriend’s house to spend the night, took a shower, saw a piece of soap, picked it up and used it. It felt weird when I used it. After I washed it, my boyfriend kissed me and I smelled something wrong. He asked me, "Didn't you use the soap you used to bathe Laifu?"..

31. My wife looked at my baby I looked at the photo of my nephew just after he was born. He laughed and showed his little penis. As a result, my little nephew coldly called him a gangster~!

32. When I was a child, I played with the older sister next door. (I was five years old and she was seventeen). She asked me to lick her. After licking her for ten minutes, she folded a paper star for me. I was not allowed to tell others, otherwise she would not fold it for me in the future. Now, I often look at the jar full of paper stars on my bookcase in a daze, and make love to the wife next door~!

33. I had sex with my wife last night. She was lying on the table and we were in progress. , I saw my wife touching the table twice, picking up a walnut and starting to bite it. I collapsed and said: Wife, we only do this once a week, can you be more professional~!

34 , that day I suddenly received a call: Guess who I am? If you guess it correctly, you will get a gift! I guessed all the possible people, but it was still wrong. Later, I got angry and asked you who the fuck is? I hung up the phone if you didn’t tell me! As a result, the person said: I am delivering express, and you had a package and I vomited blood~!.. Funny non-mainstream happy talk

1. Since ancient times, no one has died, and they are afraid of hammers in the mid-term exam.

2. The humble appearance conceals the inner perversion.

3. The fair lady walked in front, her long hair fluttering so tenderly, and suddenly she turned around ~ wow! So ugly!

4. Those who don’t want a salary increase are not good employees, and those who constantly want a salary increase are even less good employees.

5. Looking back suddenly, I wonder why you haven’t left yet.

6. Friends, if you have any unhappy things, tell me to make me happy.

7. Make chopsticks in the next life, so that you won’t be lonely.

8. Being so shameless and heartless, you should be very light, right?

9. I plan to get a haircut, but my bangs are so swung that my neck feels crooked.

10. Yes, you are so famous. You have made so many movies, but now the anti-pornography campaign doesn’t allow them to be broadcast.

11. If a man is reliable, I will kneel down and sing the song of conquest.

12. When everyone started to look at money, I was already looking at thickness.

13. A flower that smiles at the sun: it’s called a sunflower.

14. When two people meet, what follows is either a story or an accident.

15. You are wasting air when you are alive, you are wasting land when you are dead, and you are wasting RMB when you are half-dead.

16. If you scold, you continue to scold. When you have enough scolding, tell me something and I will go to bed first.

17. Small ideal: own a house, facing the sea, flowers blooming in spring, 4M broadband, can order takeout, direct express delivery, no mortgage payment.

18. It would be great if iPhones could really grow on apple trees.

19. Life is like Angry Birds. When you fail, there are always a few pigs laughing.

20. These days, it’s either Sohu or Sogou. The cat doesn’t understand.

21. A buddy told me that he distributes drift bottles every day. Everyone was told "One more bottle"!

22. It’s here, but it’s not necessarily Ultraman who appears, it might be Sun Wukong.

23. Asking you to hand in your homework is like pinching your flesh.

24. That boy and that girl in the back, what are you two doing over here?

25. Each of us Chinese spit out a rake of saliva and drowned the Japanese.

26. Wa'erle, if I don't mess with you, forget it. If I do, I'll make you call me mom.

27. An eighteenth-year-old lady should have one flower, two flowers, or three flowers.

28. Who said women love money? What women love is not money, but Mao Zedong.

29. Don’t ogle me, you don’t have enough power. A collection of happy and funny personalized space talk

1. Only by complicating things can we reflect our work ability!

2. Either be tolerant or cruel. If I don’t beat you, you don’t know that I am both civil and military.

3. After the math test, I kept trying to comfort myself that it was okay. Beautiful girls who are good-looking usually have no brains.

4. Direction is more important than effort; ability is more important than knowledge; health is more important than grades; life is more important than diplomas; EQ is more important than IQ!

5. I planted my boyfriend in the ground in the spring, and by autumn, I forgot about it.

6. I always lower my head in class. The teacher asked me why I lower my head. I answered calmly: I bow my head and miss my hometown

7. It’s better for you to buy me a cigarette than to go to a nightclub.

8. Use your real name to tell lies in practice, and use a pseudonym to tell the truth in the collection.

9. When we are young, we often make faces in the mirror; when we are old, the mirror is even.

10. When I was buying fruit in the supermarket, there was a girl picking out longan from a bag and singing: Just because I looked at you one more time in the crowd, I can never forget you longan

11. It’s not that this world has no moral integrity, it’s just that everything is on the ground.

12. We can no longer afford to live on June 1st because time has passed.

13. The reason why relationships are bleak is that usually one person is begging and the other is unwilling to give. . . -

14. When I miss you, do you miss me?

15. A good woman is like gasoline, once she has it, she will have power; a bad woman is like an air bag, once she uses it, there will be danger.

16. Distance does not produce beauty, but the third party.

17. The greatest pain in life is not only not seeing the rainbow after experiencing a super storm, but also catching a cold.

18. Brothers are people who shed tears and bleed together. Who touched my brother? I told him to disappear.

19. If you are well, it will be sunny. But it’s been raining heavily here for a week, so you’re not dead.

20. It’s good to know what you are.

21. Yell when you see injustice on the road, and make a fool of yourself when it’s time to make a fool of yourself

22. Watch Sanmao Wanderer for a day and live a pretty satisfying life

23. I am the chewing gum in your hair. If you want to get rid of me, you will cut off your hair and become a nun.

24. It is better not to get your hopes up in the first place than to be disappointed later.

25. My personality depends on who I am, and my attitude depends on who you are.

26. I don’t like your extraneous expressions like sympathy or pity. It’s not the love I want to see.

27. You talk nonsense and think that when people give you a smile, you appreciate it. There is no end to it. You can tell your heartfelt words, and as a result, people will have a thorough understanding of your family background, and they will still laugh at you secretly.

28. As a woman, why should you be a bitch and like bad men? Let your life be wonderful and make those men regret not choosing you in the first place.

29. No matter if a thin man says he is fat If you are still thin, fat people will think that thin people are showing off.

30. Pretending to be mature is the act of pretending to be older.

31. Teacher, can we change the teaching method? For example... dreaming.

32. It is said that those who study accounting and those who study medicine are a perfect match, one makes money and the other kills.

33. It is said that a woman’s lack of talent is a virtue. I think I should be highly virtuous.

34. Invigilator + geographical location + friendliness of nearby comrades = test score! ! ! !

35. When the emperor dies, it is called death, when a commoner dies, it is called death, and when the mistress dies, it is called oh yeah

36. In the last few days of winter vacation, every house is almost brightly lit.

37. You only know how strong I am, but you don’t know that I am also a girl and I also need love

38. They say that we will die twice, once to give up our breath and once to die. Forgotten.

39. After ten years of hard work, just for Peking University and Tsinghua University, I finally got admitted to Peking University Jade Bird.

40. If you have time to learn Feng Shui, occupying a good tomb after your death can make up for the regret of not being able to afford a good house during your lifetime.

41. The best poet in China is in a mental hospital.

42. It’s not that I don’t smile, but I lose fans when I smile -_-!

43. Walk your own way in someone else's shoes, and let others find the shoes

44. Don't use my patience as a bet for your trouble!