Are you the most destructive parent?

Are you the most destructive parent?

Are you the most destructive parent? Children's mental health problems are increasingly valued by society. We must learn to reduce the burden on our children. Babies are very curious about novel things. Whether you are the most destructive parent, teach you how to educate your children. Are you the most destructive parent? 1

I recently received a parent. My mother is a university teacher with a Ph.D., and my father is the general manager of a very famous company. It is said that such a family should raise very good children. It can be said that my mother is also very attentive to her children. In her own words, from the first day of school, I have not cared about his studies for a day. Even if I am on a business trip, I will call him and ask him if he has finished his homework. No exam? How did you do on the exam? His ranking in the class, etc. are taken care of, including his eating and dressing. As a result, her child's performance was unsatisfactory in all aspects from learning to personality, and his psychology was close to abnormality.

From the mother’s words, I learned that the child’s father also has very strict requirements for his children. He often scolds his children. His catchphrase is what happened to me when I was as old as you, and what I did back then. In short, he always uses his own strength to despise the child's weakness, and involuntarily reveals his disdain for the child.

This child went to college through his parents’ relationship, and barely got a second degree. It is not a bad thing to go to a second degree, and a second degree university can still cultivate outstanding talents. The problem is the attitude of these parents when it comes to their children going to college. On the one hand, they lament about their children's grades, but on the other hand, they use their own strength to make choices for their children. Originally, my child wanted to study design and wanted to go to college elsewhere. But his parents insisted that he study chemistry, because they are in this industry and can find many connections for their children in the future and can arrange jobs for them. They also insisted that he go to college locally, probably for the convenience of supervision. The child had no choice but to enter this major according to the wishes of his parents, but he disliked this major very much. In addition, after going to college, he lived on campus and his parents could no longer control him. So he surfed the Internet every day without studying. As a result, he dropped out in the first semester. After failing a subject, my mother became anxious and went to the school to find many connections to help her child pass the make-up exam. But in the following semester, the child not only stopped going to class, but also stopped taking exams. After all, it takes four years to go to college. If he can pass the first and second years based on his parents’ relationship, can he continue like this for four years? Later, the mother came up with a way to quietly find another classmate in her child's class, paid the classmate to supervise her son, and asked the classmate to call her as soon as she saw her son surfing the Internet or not going to class. Telephone. The mother immediately ran to school to pick her son up from the Internet cafe or from the dormitory to the classroom.

This mother is exhausted and about to collapse, and the child can’t stand it. Later, when my son found out that a classmate had tipped off his mother, he threatened this classmate that if you tipped off again, I would kill you.

I quickly told this parent, don’t do this anymore. If this continues, firstly, you will be exhausted, and it will never be possible to fundamentally solve the problem; secondly, the child will also be exhausted, and he will be exhausted. This kind of behavior is actually very painful and helpless in the heart. If you treat your child like this, it will be impossible for him to grow up. The most frightening thing is that it is potentially dangerous. What if the child is really irritated and does something extreme? What to do about behavior? This will kill two children.

These parents are very typical over-controllers. Analysis shows that in their children’s growth experience, there is no freedom at all, and they rarely receive appreciation from their parents. Children are more in front of their parents. It's about feeling ashamed of yourself and being forced to rely on yourself. The child's psychological and self-control abilities have not developed at all. It is equivalent to a person whose legs have been tied since childhood, and now when he is 18 years old, he is suddenly let go and allowed to walk. How can he walk? There are too many such strong parents, and behind every force is harm to their children.

Judging from the understanding of education and the intensity of parents’ management of their children, parents can be divided into three types:

The first type is those who understand education and are very attentive to their children. People;

The second type is people who don’t understand education, but they are very attentive to children;

The third type is people who don’t understand education, but don’t care much about children.

Among these three types of parents, the first type of parents is the best. Those who understand education and management are basically in line with pedagogical principles, and will definitely cultivate good children; the third, second, parent may not understand education, but if he reduces random interference in his children, he will give up a lot of freedom If you leave it to your children, your children will probably grow up very well - please think back to our own growth. Our parents were not literate, but in our era, many outstanding talents were produced. Because the parents at that time were in line with the most fundamental principle of giving children freedom.

The second type of parents do not understand education, but are very attentive to their children, and are the most destructive.

What is worrying is that our society is now filled with the second type of parents. Some of these parents have high or low educational levels, but they do not have a very deep understanding of education. They manage their children very carefully and take care of all aspects of their children and every small detail of their lives. However, because their behavior does not meet the requirements, The principle of education is that the more you control and the more careful you are, the worse the situation will be and the greater the damage will be.

Most of the parents who come to me for consultation have children with very serious psychological disorders and many problems. They basically belong to the second category of parents. The common characteristic of these parents is that they are often very strong. At least one of the fathers is particularly capable, or the mother is very capable. In most cases, both parents are very capable, with high academic qualifications and high incomes.

These parents are in great pain. They cannot understand that our IQs are so high, our lives are so good, and we are so serious about our work. Why did we raise such an ineffective child?

Faced with the pain of these parents, the answer I give is that because you are too capable, you have high requirements for yourself and perfection. The implementation of these standards into organizational management is also very effective, but you The high standards and strict requirements of education are not applicable to children, because what children want first is freedom and happiness. Parents do not understand children and do not understand education, but they think they understand education. They have to control their children at every turn and treat their children in ways that are contrary to their nature, causing serious distortions in their children.

Being a good parent is actually not difficult, it just requires you to change a little bit - learn to give your children freedom, learn to appreciate your children - this is the easiest thing to do, It is also the hardest to do.

Let natural consequences educate children.

There are many ways to educate children, among which "natural results" are a good education method. As early as the 18th century, the famous French educator Rousseau proposed that we can "correct children's mistakes by experiencing the adverse consequences of their mistakes." This educational principle of Rousseau can be used in many aspects of educating children. applied.

There are many children who do not eat on time. No matter what their parents say, they will not listen. Especially when they use this to blackmail adults to meet their unreasonable demands, let the natural consequences of hunger be the punishment. Let him know the meaning of eating and let him gain judgment from experience. One time during lunch, my child Tongtong suddenly asked for "KFC" and told him that he could eat on Sunday, but Tongtong insisted that "if he doesn't eat KFC, he won't eat" and threw his chopsticks to the ground angrily... ...Everyone else in the family had finished their lunch, but they all still insisted on their attitude. I said patiently: "If you don't eat lunch, we have to clear away the dishes." They all ignored me at all, and I stopped talking. After thinking about everything, I concentrated on writing. Hungry, Tongtong picked up his schoolbag and went to school. He was tortured by hunger for a whole afternoon. After returning home, he took the initiative to admit his mistake, opened the refrigerator to get some food, and devoured it. From then on, Tongtong no longer dared to make unreasonable demands easily.

In order to cultivate the child's sense of responsibility, I let him feed a bunny since he was 3 years old. In the first few days after accepting the task, out of the novelty, the child did it in an orderly manner, but later After a few days, the interest is gone and I either forget to do it or don’t want to do it. At this time, the child's mother is either nagging all day long, or simply doing the work for him. In fact, both methods are wrong. I tell my children that they can use the natural consequences education method, so that children can receive education from the consequences of their actions. For example, the child did not feed the bunny in time, causing the bunny to starve. When we took the child to see the sick and wilted appearance of the starving rabbit, he felt guilt and affection. At this time, if we explain the truth to him clearly, the child will easily accept it, and because of this lesson, he will take his own responsibility and raise his little rabbit better in the future.

If a child breaks a toy on purpose, you let him only play with the damaged toy; if a child spills a drink on purpose, you let him no longer get the drink...

Our reality My experience is that letting natural consequences educate children is better than empty preaching to children, and the educational effect is higher. Are you the most destructive parent 2

1. When did I promise you

This sentence involves integrity. In the world of children, they will have a natural sense of trust and dependence on their parents, and they will definitely keep their parents' promises in mind. If you accidentally forget and refuse to admit it, children will not question themselves. They will I just wonder how parents can be so dishonest.

2. What is the use of raising you?

This sentence involves confidence. Although sometimes children do do something wrong or find it difficult to accept new things, in their world, this requires a process. Parents should encourage and affirm more to increase their confidence rather than directly Blow their young minds.

3. If you keep doing this, your parents will no longer want you.

This sentence involves responsibility. Although this is just a joke from parents, for them, it is likely to make them burst into tears. This has been going on for a long time, and in their hearts they feel more incompetent, and will become extremely insecure, which is very detrimental to their future development. This sentence is also the one I hear most often.

4. I told you a long time ago, but you will not listen.

This sentence involves courage. Although children may make mistakes, your earnest words are redundant in their eyes. They hope that they have the courage to experience everything in life. Even if they fail, it is their choice. After all, it is better to experience it than not to try. It’s much better, so as long as it’s not too outrageous, let them experience it!

5. We are all for your own good

This sentence involves independence. Sometimes I know that my parents are doing it for my own good, but I always think that I have grown up and should have my own sense of independence and learn to make independent choices, which is also a necessary stage of growing up. Life is all about experience. When children know in advance what is good and what is bad and don’t try it, then life seems a bit too boring. Have you ever said or heard this sentence?