Humorous sentences and jokes

When arguing, the difference between a man and a woman is like the difference between a rifle and a machine gun. Some humorous sentences can make you feel better when you are sad. The following are funny sentences I recommend, welcome to read!

Humorous joke 1) Life is a slap in the face, which wakes people up from their dreams. . .

2) Whether others are willing to contribute to you is his mentality. You can't ask for feedback just because you have done something. That's greed.

3) There are only two kinds of people who can't sleep: one is holding a mobile phone in his hand, and the other is having a theater in his head.

4) I wanted to watch TV when I was a child, but I could only watch news broadcast and Flying Tigers with my parents. Finally, I am the owner of my own house, so I can only take my children to see Pleasant Goat and Logger Vick!

5) The leader is eloquent and gushing on the stage. The host suggested several times that the following people applauded, but everyone didn't respond at all. Suddenly, there was a loud applause from below. Then, thunderous applause sounded ... the leader looked very proud. The applause stopped, and someone below whispered, "It's just a mosquito. I didn't expect everyone to applaud! " "

6) An elder sister knows that her husband doesn't cry or make trouble after giving birth to three children. She just enrolled her children in two interest classes, gave herself two beauty cards, bought accident insurance for two old people, and bought herself brand-name bags and clothes. Her husband is not super rich, so the expenses can't be limited. So the third one was dissatisfied and broke up. The elder sister only said one thing afterwards: "Hehe, spend more money than me?"

7) A company recruited employees, and hundreds of college students rushed to report: "I am from Peking University." "I am from Jiaotong University." "I am from Zhejiang University." "I'm Tsinghua." Suddenly a girl shouted, "I'm Boda!" " The chairman struck the table and said, "It's your turn. Come to my office and talk. " As soon as she entered the office, the girl showed the certificate of Ningbo University to the chairman. ...

8) Corrupt officials take farmers to the office building: Dude, arrange a place for my brother. Director: Why? Farmer: Well, my name is Andrew, and I'm here to get permission. The director nodded his head. Soon after, corrupt officials and farmers were jailed for this matter. Farmer: Brother, I can raise my authority and go out, but what will you do? Corrupt officials laughed: You forgot, I am an iphone, and I can escape from prison.

9) There is a colleague whose surname is Wen, and everyone usually calls him Brother Wen. Another colleague, the last word is Bo, and everyone calls him Bobo. One day they met. Bobo: Hello bra! Bra: Hello, Bobo! Bobo: I'm counting on you to protect me from now on! Bra: You're welcome! I'm counting on you from now on.

10) Students are taken to the corridor by the teacher for education while sleeping in class. The angry teacher took a few bites and wanted to hit him. Students shouted: "Do you dare to hit people?" Teacher: "What should I do if I hit you? Does anyone know that I hit you? " ? Does anyone know I hit you? "The students thought about it ... and then the teacher was taken to the hospital!

Funny sentence 1) Tourists see a road sign that says, "The road is closed, so we can't move forward." Seeing that there are no obstacles ahead, he is confident that he has rich travel experience and moves on. Soon, he found that a bridge was broken and had to turn around. When he came to the place where the road sign had just been placed, he saw the back of the road sign saying, "Welcome back, fool."

2) In high school, the penultimate student in the class has never been to school, and spends all day in the Internet cafe. But the strange thing is that he comes to every exam and is never absent. Later, we found that the penultimate member of the class would go to the Internet cafe before each exam and give the penultimate member a dollar to take the exam!

3) My son was sleeping, and suddenly he touched my chest and said, Little bitch, I'm back. Instantly petrified, three black lines hung from the top of the head to the foot. Tell my husband quietly: don't watch those messy TVs. My husband said with laughter, what? That's the line of Big Big Wolf in Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf: Lambs, I'm back!

4) Wang Lite doesn't like her friends to call her by her full name, and she feels unfamiliar. So everyone usually calls her "Lily" by her nickname. Once, a friend called her: "Wang Li!" " "She immediately suggested," No, you have to call me by my nickname. " After a few seconds of silence, I saw my friend shout softly, "Xiao Ming ..."

5) One day, my boyfriend was sitting on the train to new york, and he was the only one in the carriage. Suddenly, a big man rushed in from the back of the car, put a knife on Larry's neck and threatened: Want money or die? My boyfriend trembled with fear and replied with trembling hands: I ... I have no money on me. Then why are you shaking? The big fellow thundered. I ... I thought you were the ticket inspector!

6) Hit the road with an idiot girlfriend and come to a discount store. My girlfriend took a fancy to one and asked the boss how much it was. Boss: "After the discount!" Idiot girlfriend asked the boss, "Is there a bank near you?" Boss: "Yes" idiot girlfriend: "Why don't you grab it!"

There are three of us on the train, and I just want to go to the toilet. My wife just cooked instant noodles. She means that after I go to the toilet, let me hug the baby and she will eat noodles. She said directly, "Hurry up, I'm waiting for dinner." . The result is hilarious.

8) A brother went to the toilet and went into the ladies' room by mistake. When I went in, I found that there was no urinal, and it felt wrong. Fortunately, there is no one in the ladies' room. He walked out casually. When I opened the door, I met a mm who came in. Face to face with him, red face and low head, went to the men's room to drill.

9) Little nephew didn't study hard and was severely criticized and educated by his brother-in-law. Then the little nephew said to himself, "There are three kinds of stupid birds in this world. The first one flies first, and the second one doesn't. Then I asked him, is there a third kind? He looked at his brother-in-law and said, "The third kind lays eggs and hopes for the next generation ..."

10) frog MM and elephant boyfriend are watching TV at home when they suddenly hear a knock at the door. The elephant opened the door and saw a snail standing at the door. He picked up the snail and flew away with a swish. One day three years later, someone knocked at the door. The elephant opened the door and saw the snail again. The snail said, "What happened to you just now? Why did you throw me away? "

1 1) I have a sister paper for many years. I have been particularly ticklish since I was a child. Once I went to an old Chinese doctor for a massage. He was in a separate room. He is an uncle in his fifties and sixties. When I went to bed, he gave me a push and then a push. After half a minute, he couldn't help saying, I won't charge you. Go ahead, I'm a man of fame. ..

Soon after the ant and the elephant got married, the elephant died. While burying the elephant, the ant wept bitterly: "Kill a thousand knives. Why did you go so early? I have buried you without doing anything else in my life! "

13) my colleague's family has a daughter, one and a half years old, who is milking. In the morning, my daughter clamored for milk, but my colleagues strongly disagreed. My daughter cried ... she went to the bedroom and cried for a while, then came back with a dollar in her hand, looked at her colleague piteously and said, Mom, I'll just drink a dollar. ...

14) A developer died and went to heaven. When he arrives in heaven, he wants to have tea with God. God thinks he is too creative and will disturb heaven. If he refuses to have tea with him, he will be sent to hell. Only a week later, the prince came to the door sweating profusely: God, get him out quickly. God asked: What's the matter? Yan said: Eighteen floors, all changed into underground commercial streets!

15) The Chinese teacher said that if you love someone, you don't buy water for others after class, distribute it everywhere, and don't go out to sing, chat and eat at weekends, but you are an excellent person. There may be others who love her in the future. All you have to do is compare others. You should be excellent, better than others. Believe that the future is not only unknown, but love can also change reality. I feel weak in an instant.

16) A man went to the hospital for examination and said that he had a bad stomach. The doctor asked, "What happened to your stomach?" The man said painfully, "I eat cucumbers and pull cucumbers, and I eat watermelons and pull pumpkins." In short, pull whatever you eat. "The doctor frowned, wanted to think and said," then you have to eat shit! " "

17) Today, a clever young woman took her one-year-old son to the orchard to buy cherries. The young woman tasted a cherry and said, "What kind of cherry is this? It doesn't taste like fart! " Before I knew it, her son said, "It's not like spending money to fart, of course it doesn't smell like fart!"

18) One day on the side of the road, a beautiful woman pulled it: "Handsome boy, do me a favor. My ex is haunting me. Just be my husband! " Seeing that she was so delicate and touching, she agreed. When she entered the store, she winked at me. Honey, wait for me. I'll be right back. I readily agreed. But she didn't answer for a long time, so I was ready to leave, and I was stopped by the salesperson: settle your wife's account before leaving. cheat ...

19) The final exam was taken in advance. Although the teacher who comes to prison is a classroom teacher, he doesn't know the students. Something wonderful has happened. There is a classmate in the class who is very stuffy and sits in the last row. He wears a suit during the exam, just like a teacher. Ten minutes after the exam, he didn't do anything. Seeing how there was a teacher behind the invigilator, he went to the office and asked the department secretary what was going on. When he came back, the students had almost finished copying.

20) My grandma loves me. On the first day of school, she won a handful of wild jujube in my pocket. When I was in primary school, no one told me I couldn't eat, and then the teacher gave me a lecture, and I ate when I was bored. Then the teacher took the textbook and left without looking at me, putting his hand in front of me. I didn't understand the meaning, so I vomited the jujube pit in the teacher's hand ... and then I went to the penalty station with honor.

2 1) A: why? Just like losing money. B said: It's really a loss. Yesterday, my wife found out that the bonus issued by the company was gone! A: It is careless to hide private money. I taught you. B said: I learned it from you and hid it in a computer speaker, but my wife found it. Really? Hide for her to see? How did she know? B: She said it was clear at a glance, but there was no ash on the speaker, so she specified to hide it there.

22) A group of unmarried female teachers are discussing how to educate their children after marriage in the office. They all say that they will understand, trust and set their children free. As a result, the only teacher who got married and had 20 children said, "Forget it, it's no good. Before I gave birth to my son, I thought I must not physically punish the child and be a gentle mother, but now my son is almost killed by me. "

23) After the princess was awakened by a kiss, she lived happily with the prince forever. She accompanied her king through various invasions, rebellions and economic crises … and repelled the king's lover. She gave birth to five children and brought them up. The king has Alzheimer's disease. She pushed him for a walk in the garden, and their love spread all over the world. After her death, she became a legend, and the epitaph said, "Whoever fucking kisses me again, I will be anxious with him!" "

24) A child asked a rich man: Sir, why are you so rich? The rich man said: I had nothing like you when I was a child. My father gave me an apple, so I sold it, bought two more apples with the money I earned, and then sold it to buy four more apples. The child said thoughtfully, sir, I seem to understand. Mr. Millionaire said, You know your sister. Later, my father died, and I inherited all his inheritance. ...

25) In the morning, a girl from the company went to the barber shop to have her hair cut short, and ran to the office in high spirits to show off and shouted, "Do you think my head is cool?" Everyone burst into laughter and my sister ran away blushing.

26) When I was in high school, I ate breakfast at the same table and took the last bite. My mouth was full. In fact, the sharp-eyed teacher has long been eyeing him. Let him answer the question as soon as he finishes filling it out. Big brother is full of mouth! I can't chew it. Just standing in front of the whole class, I ate that bite with a ferocious face. The teacher asked him to sit down after eating. Teacher, this move is too cruel ~ ~

27) My son is six years old. He caught a cold these days, so I took him to the hospital for an injection. When I arrived at the hospital, the doctor quipped, little friend, are you afraid of pain? The son looked at him and ignored him. The medicine is ready, the doctor said, little friend, I'm going to have an injection. My son hasn't spoken yet. After the injection. The doctor praised: the child is so strong that he doesn't cry. The son raised his trousers and replied coldly: an injection, a lot of nonsense. The rest of the doctors are in a mess there.

28) One day, a woman went to see a doctor with her child in her arms. The doctor checked and said whether the child was breast-fed or breast-fed. The woman said, breastfeeding. The doctor told the woman to take her clothes away. The woman thought about what he was going to do, but she did it anyway. The doctor reached in, touched the left side, pinched it again, and sighed with emotion, no wonder the child is malnourished and has no milk at all. The woman growled, I am his aunt!

29) When I was in college, a girl in the dormitory ate a diet meal, and the menu of a meal needed a piece of meat. She went to the deli at the school gate and said to the boss, "Give me fifty cents of meat." The boss didn't show anything unusual, so he cut a piece and chopped it quickly. He said kindly, "Hey turtle, I'll chop it for you!" " "

30) I met a classmate on the road who sat behind me in an exam and often looked at my answers. Then he said, "Why go?" Me: "study by yourself, and take the exam the day after tomorrow." He: "Oh, go ahead, stupid birds fly first." I ... stop looking at me if you can.

3 1) Senior three students eat and chat in the canteen. A: Actually, I like literature and history. B: Are you sick? C: What about the food? Do you know that?/You know what? That's disgusting! Q: What's the matter? Didn't you say you like to smell shit?

32) After the father coaxed his son to sleep, he went back to the bedroom to get ready for bed. "Dad!" Cried the son. "May I have a glass of water?" "You didn't drink just now! Go to sleep, I have turned off the lights! " A few minutes later ... "Dad! I'm thirsty, can't you give me a drink? " "I just said! You let me hit you again! " Five minutes passed ... "Dad!" "What's the matter?" "When you come to hit me, be sure to bring a glass of water.

33) There are too many people on the bus, and it's sultry. I don't know who farted, which made the environment worse. My friend can't stand it, and I don't know who it is. I can't help it It happened that the conductor was asking, "Who didn't buy a ticket?" My friend suddenly had a plan and said loudly, "Fart didn't buy a ticket!" " Suddenly, a particularly fat woman, holding the ticket high in her hand, said loudly, "I have bought the ticket!" "

34) In terms of study, just like Big Big Wolf, I play NB every semester and take SB at the end of the semester. Finally, we should shout: I will study hard. ...

35) A male customer is eating in a restaurant. The boss gave him a surprise when he finished eating and asked for the bill. "Yuan is too expensive!" He said, "You should give a discount to your peers, right?" The boss said, "So you also run a restaurant?" . He said, "No, I robbed the money."

36) The man accidentally dropped a condom while taking change from the bus! The man was embarrassed and didn't know whether to answer it or not. At this time, the MM nearby said, "Big Brother, your brother dropped his work clothes!" " "

37) A: Why do you think my girlfriend likes to lead the dog to the street, but she doesn't like to hold my hand to the street? B: The reason is simple, just as you prefer to take your girlfriend to the streets rather than dogs. It's all for good looks.

38) Chatting with my parents, my mother said gloomily, "You are so ugly that no one wants you." I fell into a deep sense of inferiority, and my father said, "Don't say that!" " "I looked at my dad with a happy face, but you still love me. Dad replied, "I'm still blind. "

39) My buddy got a call from her again. It is cloudy. My buddy is thinking about the beauty of his first love. He hesitated for a long time and answered the phone: "Hello ..." Thought she was going to say something. The other end of the phone is just silence. "Are you all right?" He asked. Still no answer, he said crazily, "Do you know how much I miss you!" " "A distant and familiar voice finally came from the other end of the phone:" Baby, don't play with mom's phone, be good ... "

40) One day, employees suddenly found that their salary increase fell into the well! Everyone was so scared that they hanged themselves and put their hands into the well from the tree to get their wages. Just as they touched the salary, an employee suddenly shouted excitedly: Don't be silly, the salary to be raised is still hanging in the sky!

Space says humorous jokes 1, others' faces are called faces, and fat people's faces are called pang faces.

2, thin people are called returning meat, and fat people can only be called Sichuan pork.

3, it is obvious that others are getting fat again, and they have to say that their eyes are getting smaller!

Mother Dandelion looked at the little dandelion and thought, Why don't you go to heaven?

Nowadays, people's quality of life is basically equal to their network quality.

6. What wakes me up every day is not a dream, but a salary attendance award! ! !

7. The woman of the original dynasty was Yang Guifei. I don't know who Mahan's woman is.

8. Although some people can't type fast, pressing Enter is particularly imposing.

9. The more times you commit suicide, the less experienced you become.

10, don't underestimate men who eat soft rice, they rely on very hard technology.

1 1. Nature is magical. Magpie's voice is actually the same as Zhang Fei's with a black face.

12, men are afraid of entering the wrong line, indeed! A man was arrested for robbing the Agricultural Bank of China last month.

13, life is a slap in the face and then a slap in the face, waking people from their dreams. . .

14, it's freezing in the cold, which is the best way to tell your beloved, and it's not bad to cool your heart.

15, the poor are often poorer than you see, and the rich are often richer than you see.

16, the chicken and the duckling fell in love, and together they formed a "small family" (chicken-duck family).

17. When Jiro is crying, which hand should he use to wipe away the tears in the third eye? Jiro!

18, I couldn't figure out why there was a hole in the middle of the disc until I saw the word trader.

19 Whether the thin man says he is fat or thin, the fat man will think that the thin man is showing off.

20. There are only two kinds of people who can't sleep: one is holding a mobile phone in his hand, and the other is having a theater in his head.

& gt& gt& gt More exciting "classic funny jokes" next page