Ask for some latest hilarious jokes (or text messages)! The more the better!

The teacher wrote "Confusion" on the blackboard.

Then he asked a student, "Please tell me what this idiom means?"

The student stood up, pushed his glasses with deep myopia, and carefully looked at the four words on the blackboard for a long time.

Yes, at last he said helplessly, "Teacher, I can't see clearly."

The teacher said, "You are right. Please sit down. "

Jiutong

Ah Yue wants to cook in person and asks her mother who is playing mahjong how many meters to wash.

Mom didn't hear Ah Yue's question. She played the cards in her hand and said, "Nine drums".

As a result, this pot of rice kept them eating for a whole week.

Telephone fraud prevention?

A few days ago, I received a phone call from a stranger with a southern accent. When I came up, I called him by his first name. ?

"Hello, Mr. Wang!" ?

"Who are you?" ?

"Your old friend." ?

"Who is it?" ?

"An old friend of Guangdong! You can't even hear my voice? " ?

"And you are?" ?

"Oh, Mr. Wang, you are so forgetful. Listen to it again. Do you recognize who I am? " ?

He felt something was wrong. He may be a liar. If he recognizes the other person's voice as an old friend, the other person will try to tell stories to cheat money. ?

Damn liar, look what I can do to him! He said, "Are you Lao Zhang from Guangdong?" ?

"Yes, yes, you see, I told you that you are so forgetful that you can't even recognize my voice." ?

"Sorry, Lao Zhang, I thought someone was joking with me." ?

"Mr.wong, I'm going to sign a contract, and I'll pass by your place and invite you to dinner ..."?

He interrupted the man and asked, "Lao Zhang, how is your mother's cancer?" ?

The other party was shocked: "Oh ... the same." ?

"Well, sick didn't also the way. Is your father's car accident closed? " ?

"Oh ... almost." ?

"I want to get over it. Everyone is gone. Don't care too much about those who have lost more." ?

"hmm." ?

He asked again, "Isn't that economic case sentenced to five years? How do you get out now? " ?

"ah? Oh ... later ... changed the sentence. " ?

"You don't know that we all sympathize with you. Why are you so unlucky? Did you catch the thief who robbed your house? " ?

"... got it, got it. ”？

He asked again, "What about your son's mental illness? Is it better? " ?

The other party shook 10 seconds, said nothing, and hung up. ?

Good wine

Someone bought a big barrel of good wine on the eve of the winter solstice and put it outdoors. ?

The next day, he found that there was a quarter missing, so he posted the words "No stealing wine" on the barrel. ?

On the third day, there was a quarter less wine. He was very angry and posted the words "Whoever steals wine will be killed without forgiveness". ?

On the fourth day, the wine was stolen, only a quarter of it was left, and his lungs were about to explode! ! ?

One of his friends knew about it and said to him, "Idiot! You won't write the word urine bucket on the bucket, will you? ? Look who is still stealing! " He thinks it's appropriate?

Richard, just did it. ?

On the fifth day, he cried ... The bucket was full ...?

Needless to say, I think everyone should know what's going on, O(∩_∩)O haha ~?

The best company team! ! ! ?

President: Cixi?

Reason for being elected: Empress Notre Dame was made Emperor of Three Dynasties for forty-seven years, during which two shareholders, Ci 'an and Prince Gong, were squeezed out. They held power until their death, holding unparalleled power. ?

Founder: Zhu Yuanzhang?

Reason for being elected: This gentleman worked hard from a monk who got nothing and won the world in seventeen years. Even venture capital has dropped by one point, and his entrepreneurial ability is unprecedented. ?

CEO: Guan Zhong?

Reason for being elected: Under his rule, Qi eliminated 36 vassal states and became one of the five tyrants in the Spring and Autumn Period. Moreover, Henggong listened to him, so that the minister turned to "Guan Zhong" when he had something to do. The new talent index and management figures were unparalleled in the past. ?

Director of Human Resources: Cao Cao?

Reason for being elected: Qingqing Zitiao sings and grows in my heart. A "short trip in Song Dynasty" is not enough to show the sincerity of Prime Minister Cao's thirst for talent. In order to welcome Xu You who is barefoot, why should such bole and swift horse have five uses? ?

CMO: Su Qin?

Reason for being elected: The only multinational CMO in history can sell its own set of "integration" ideas to the kings of six countries. Who can match its marketing ability? ?

CFO: Yongzheng?

Reason for being elected: When he became emperor, the national treasury had only seven million and two thousand silver, and when he died thirteen years later, it was more than fifty million and two thousand silver. The oldest financial expert in history. ?

Chief Strategy Officer: Zhuge Liang?

Reason for being elected: Longzhong Dui, which is just a few hundred words, has a layout of the three countries. Liu Bei followed the rules and soon occupied Jingzhou. Zhuge Wuhou's planning ability is extraordinary. ?

Manager of Finance Department: Zhuge Liang concurrently?

Reason for being elected: Liu Bei had no land at first, but Zhuge Liang skillfully borrowed Jingzhou for him. Since then, thanks to this support, Liu Huangshu has made great achievements. ?

Logistics manager: Li Bai?

Reason for being elected: Mr. Taibai once wrote in "Xiajiangling" that "a thousand miles will return to Jiangling in one day". What kind of speed, or in the era without airplanes, the logistics manager must belong to him. ?

Manager of advertising department: Liu Bei?

Reason for being elected: Liu Huangshu has a very classic advertisement saying "I am a relative of the Han family". In just six words, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei stayed with him all their lives and never changed their owners again. Zhuge Liang also worked on it until Wu was exhausted. ?

God wronged people.

One day, old Peter, a message in heaven, saw that it was getting late and wanted to go home from work. He said to the people in line, "Heaven is full today, so I have to lock the door. Go to hell for one night first and come back tomorrow morning. " I don't want to be wronged by the first few people, but I have to squeeze in. Peter said, "well, tell me how wronged you are." ?

The first one said, "I went home early today. It must have been a robbery when I found the house in a mess, but I looked up and down, but I couldn't find the thief. Later, I ran to the balcony, hey, that guy's hand was hanging on the edge of the balcony. I grabbed a hammer and hit it on his finger. Finally, he couldn't stand it, so he gave up and fell down. But guess what, although my home is on the seventh floor, I fell from such a high place and didn't die. I was so angry that I shouted that I had to carry him out of the kitchen and throw him down to kill him. I didn't expect to be busy for a long time, angry and tired, and suddenly had a heart attack and died. " ?

Peter gave a thumbs-up and said, It's really unfair! All right, let you in. Catch the next one. ?

The second said, "I insist on exercising on the balcony every day." Somehow I slipped and fell off the balcony. Not the balcony on the eighth floor. Fortunately, I was agile and caught the edge of the balcony on the seventh floor at once. Unexpectedly, before I could catch my breath, a man jumped out of the seventh floor room, grabbed a hammer and hit my finger. I finally couldn't help it. I gave up and fell. Fortunately, I didn't fall to death. I read in my mouth: it doesn't matter if I wrestle, as long as my ass is thick, I am climbing. I don't know. A big refrigerator fell from it and killed me alive. " ?

The third one quickly said, "I was caught breaking into the house and hiding in the refrigerator, but I didn't know that the man picked up the refrigerator and threw it downstairs"?

break wind

A person always farts at work, and colleagues can't help but say, can you be quiet? Then I saw him sitting there trembling. Colleagues asked him what he was doing, and he replied, I have switched to vibration mode now!

get an electric shock

The doctor asked the patient how he broke his bone. The patient said, I felt sand in my shoes, so I shook my shoes with a telephone pole. A fucking asshole passed by and thought I was electrocuted, so he picked up a stick and gave me two!

irrigation canals and ditches

Someone was riding a bicycle when he heard a passerby shouting: go, go, go ... I thought, damn it, I can sing: Ole Ole Oh ... I jumped into the ditch without saying a word. Passers-by scolded: Shit! Let me tell you something, Gou Gou, do you still ride horses? ! You deserve to fall to death!

make a wish

A couple came to the wishing pool. The husband bent down, made a wish and threw a coin into the well. My wife also wanted to make a wish, but when she bent down, she accidentally fell into the well. The husband was surprised, then smiled and said to himself, "What a fucking spirit!" "

Lei Feng

The men's and women's toilets in the school are connected. A girl forgot to bring toilet paper to the toilet. When she was embarrassed, toilet paper came from the men's room next door. The girl turned pale and asked loudly, "Who?" . The boy next door replied with a deep and powerful voice: "Lei Feng."

spit

When a person just got on the plane and wanted to throw up, the stewardess took an empty bag and went to get it when it was almost full, telling him not to throw up. When I came back, I found it everywhere. I asked why, and replied, "I saw it was almost full, and I took another sip, and everyone around me vomited ..."

Wear school uniform

Wear school uniforms when raising the national flag, but some people don't wear school uniforms or only wear school pants or school uniforms. Before each flag raising, the headmaster said with a megaphone, "Some students don't wear clothes, some students don't wear pants, and some simply don't wear clothes or pants!" " "

Tang Priest exhorts Wukong (Stock Edition)

Wukong:?

Throw it away when you bounce. Don't be stubborn Isn't it because you are too stubborn that you have been trapped by Wuzhishan shares for 500 years? If I hadn't untied you for the teacher, you wouldn't have come out today. Haven't you seen the stock we worked so hard to get back? It's not that we are incompetent, but that the banker is too cunning to trade according to reason. We should learn and use it. ?

I admit that the last time you fought in the white stock market, you saw the tricks of the banker, but today is different. Retail investors can't compare with bookmakers. I think Bajie is better than you in this respect. He made money after being adopted by his wife. Now he is a farmer and his wife is married. Look at your stock trading for so many years, always trying to beat the banker, and the result is often quilt ... Don't think I'm wordy, it's time for you to get married, and see if there are any female investors with the same conditions as you? I think spider essence is good. Marry her, you can trade online, and you don't have to work hard to run the trading hall every day. ?

In addition, Jason Wu asked me to give you a message that his quicksand shares will be listed soon, and I will leave some for you to issue offline. You will also help raise the price after listing, and your brother will not treat you badly. I hope your trip to Huaguoshan can be listed. Last time I asked you to give 20% or 30% of your chips to all the immortals offline, you didn't listen, or you would have made a fortune. By the way, Sanzang Industry, a teacher, is going public. Why not hang a CEO? It's time for me to earn some money for my old age. White old, want to change a BMW! Time and tide wait for no man, you can't go out alone. Buy a Mercedes. Listen to the teacher and cut it.

consistent

A shy boy finally got up the courage to ask his beloved girl: What kind of boy do you like? The girl said:? Hit it off. The boy asked the same question again and had to say sadly, can't you have a flat head?

Quit eating meat.

Wolf cubs are born vegetarian. Mother wolf and father wolf racked their brains to train wolf cubs to hunt. Finally, Sirius's parents were happy to see their son chasing rabbits. The wolf cub grabbed the rabbit's fierce face and said, boy! Hand over the carrots!

be picky

A male passenger accidentally stepped on a lady's foot. ?

Woman: What's the matter with you? ?

Man: Do you have any medicine? ?

The passengers held back their laughter. ?

Woman: Crazy! ?

M: Can it be cured? ?

Passengers laugh, drivers stop, climb on the steering wheel and laugh!