Classical jokes of modern China

1. The paragraphs in ancient classical Chinese were improperly selected.

Online and in bookstores. For example, the joke is that a scholar will be seventy years old and suddenly gave birth to a son.

Born in age, that is, named age. A little later, I gave birth to another son, who seems to be able to read and learn by name.

The next year, another son was born. Smile: 62616964757a68696416fe58685e5aeb931333656461"It's a joke to have children at such an old age."

Because of the name "joke". When they were old and had nothing to do, they all ordered to go to the mountains to collect firewood and go home. The husband asked, "Who has more firewood for the third son?" The wife said, "As you get older, you have no knowledge at all, but you have the burden of jokes."

There is a scholar who is nearly seventy years old. His wife suddenly gave birth to a son. She named him "Age" because she was old enough to have a son. Before long, another son was born. He looks like a scholar, so he named him "Xue Xue".

In the third year, another son was born. The scholar smiled and said, "It's a joke to have a son at such a big age." So he named it "Joke".

The three sons had nothing to do when they grew up, so the scholar asked them to go into the mountains to get firewood. When they came back, the husband asked his wife, "Which of the three people has more firewood?" The wife said, "When I am old, I have no knowledge at all, but jokes are a burden." Avoid the original snobs and avoid them every time you come out.

The fellow traveler asked him why, and replied, "Give up my relatives." So many times, colleagues are tired.

Even if I meet a beggar, I will try to avoid him and say, "Give up my relatives." Q: "Why are there such relatives?" He said, "But all the good ones are recognized by you."

There was a vain man who met a passing dignitary when he went out and avoided it. People in the same trade asked him why he did this, and he said, "That's my relative."

This has happened many times, and every time he does this, people in the same industry feel very annoyed. Later, on the road, I suddenly met a beggar, and the people in the same trade also learned to hide from him and said, "That beggar is my relative."

The vain man asked, "Why do you have such poor relatives?" People in the same trade said, "Because all the good things are recognized by you." Villagers who eat olives go to town to drink, and there are olives at the banquet.

The villagers took the spit, which was astringent and tasteless, because they asked the people at the table, "What is this?" The deskmate scorned them with their village spirit: "vulgar." In the name of "vulgarity", the villagers kept it in mind and said, "Today, if you taste the strange things in the city, it is called" vulgarity "."

Everyone didn't believe it, but the man opened his mouth and gasped, "You don't believe it, but now you are full of swearing." A farmer went to a party in town, and there were olives at the party.

The farmer took it to his mouth, which was astringent and not delicious, and asked the person at the same table, "What is this?" Everyone at the same table thought he was vulgar and said contemptuously, "vulgar." The farmer thinks "vulgarity" is an olive name, so he keeps it in mind. When he got home, he said to people, "I ate a strange fruit in the city today, called' vulgar'."

Everyone didn't believe it. The farmer gasped with an open mouth and said, "You don't believe it. Now my mouth is full of swearing. " A person stayed for lunch, and the guest had vomited a bowl, but he didn't add any more rice.

The guest wanted to let the host know, but pretended to say, "So-and-so has a house to sell." Therefore, he said to his master, "The rafters are so big."

The host saw that there was no rice in the bowl and asked the boy to add it. Because he asked the guest, "Does he want geometry?" The guest said, "Since we have food to eat, we won't sell it."

A man left a guest for lunch. The guest has finished a bowl, and no one has given him more rice. The guest wants to let the host know, so he pretends to say, "So-and-so has a house to sell."

Then he deliberately pointed the bowl mouth at the owner and said, "The rafters are as thick as the bowl mouth." The host saw that there was no rice in the bowl, so he quickly called the servant to add rice to him.

Immediately ask the guest, "How much does he sell?" The guest replied, "Since we have food to eat, we won't sell it." Some people are used to telling lies.

Every generation of his servants is round. One day, he said to a man, "My well was blown to the house next door by the strong wind yesterday."

People think that there has been nothing since ancient times. The servant Yuan said, "It's true.

My well is near the neighbor's fence. Last night, it was windy. I saw the fence blowing to the well, but it went to my neighbor's house like a well. One day, he said to people, "Someone shot down a wild goose and put a bowl of noodle soup on his head."

The public was surprised. The servant Yuan said, "So it is.

My master was eating noodle soup in the yard when a wild goose fell and its head fell into the bowl. Isn't it a wild goose with noodle soup? "One day.

He also said to others, "the cold family has a warm weather account, which covers the world tightly without gaps." The servant frowned and said, "Master, how can I hide this lie?"

There is a man who is used to telling lies. His servants always lie for him. One day, he said to a man, "Yesterday, a well in my house was blown to the house next door by the strong wind."

Everyone thinks that such a thing has never happened since ancient times. His servant lied for him and said, "My well is really close to the neighbor's fence. The wind was very strong last night, and the fence was blown to the side of the well, just like the well was blown to the neighbor's house. "

One day, he said to people, "Someone shot down a wild goose and put a bowl of noodle soup on his head." Everyone was surprised and didn't believe what he said.

His servant lied for him again, saying, "It happened. My master is eating noodle soup in the yard. Suddenly, a wild goose fell and its head fell into the bowl. Isn't it covered with noodle soup? " Another day, he said to others: "The cold family has a top temperature account, which covers the world tightly without any gap." Hearing this, the servant frowned awkwardly and said, "The master has gone too far. How can I tell such a big lie to cover it up? "

The scholar peed on the doll for a long time and was frightened. He said, "The school is coming." The doll peed immediately.

The scholar asked him why, and replied, "I think you scholars are scared to pee when they get off the stage." The scholar sighed: "I didn't expect this doll to inherit his father's legacy and be elegant;" I didn't expect this school to be so small that it can pass two stools. "

The servant of the scholar's family held the doll to pee, but the child didn't pee for a long time. The servant startled him and said, "Here comes the learning platform."

The doll peed immediately. The scholar asked him why, and replied, "I saw your scholar come to the learning platform, and he was scared to pee, so I scared him like this."

The scholar sighed and said, "I didn't expect this doll to inherit his father's wishes and continue studying;" Even more unexpected.

2. Translating China's ancient jokes can't save money —— Laughing Building by Feng Ming Menglong.

A person is extremely stingy, and the stream in Lu Yu is newly rising. He is stingy to cross the river and wade desperately. In the middle reaches, the water washed down and drifted for half a mile. His son searched for a boat on the shore to save him. The boat wants money, and the money goes there. The son only pays five cents, and the price is uncertain for a long time. On his deathbed, the father turned to look after his son and shouted, "My son, my son, five cents to save you, but no money to save you!" "

translate

He is very stingy. Once, when he was on the way, he met a new river rising. Although he could cross the river by boat, he was afraid to pay for the boat, so he waded across the river regardless. Just to the middle of the river, it was washed down by the water and drifted for more than half a mile. His son is on the shore, looking for a boat to save him. The boatman set the sailing price and said that he could only go if he gave a sum of money. His son bargained for him and said that he would only give five points. This bargaining has dragged on for a long time, and there has been no conclusion. At this time, his father was dying. When he was dying, he turned around and shouted to his son:

"My son, my son, you can save it in five minutes and not a penny!"

The humorous classical Chinese tells a new story. Xie Taifu is as cold as ice, telling the child the meaning of the paper.

Suddenly it began to snow, and Gong said cheerfully, "What is snow like?" ? "Brother Hu said," Sprinkling salt in the air can be simulated. Brother and daughter said that if catkins were not due to the wind.

"Laugh loudly. Compare spring catkins to winter snow ... If you are a girl, you have to take a nap today. If you don't leave me, fuck you, you will have no less than two or three sentences.

Anger also, people who take a nap, not only me, but also the focus. What's more, I haven't lost my mind, and I am very wronged. What can you do? If you really have the ability, why are more than half of the students lying on the chopping board? Six out of ten people hate you. Are you okay? Its number can be seen.

Let bygones be bygones, but today's events are hateful and make me angry. Mother is sincere, and mother is not happy.

A meat thief went to Beijing to sell meat, stopped to urinate in front of a toilet on the side of the road and hung the meat outside. Seeing this, the second man stole the meat.

Before he went far, A came out of the toilet, grabbed B and asked B if he had seen anyone take his meat from the toilet. B was afraid that A would see through, so he put the meat in his mouth early and said impatiently, "You are such an idiot! How to hang the meat outside the door without losing it? If you put meat in your mouth like me, is there any reason to lose it? " -Han Weiyuchun's "Laughing Forest" name game Xu Zhicai, the king of Xiyang in the Northern Qi Dynasty, is very eloquent, especially good at word games.

When he is not the king, he tries to play with the king, a senior minister. Wang laughed at the name and said, "Your name is Zhicai. What's the point? In my opinion, it is similar to call it' lack of talent'. "

Hearing this, he immediately laughed at Wang's surname: "The word Wang is added to the left of the word, 呄呄呄呄呄呄呄呄呄呄呄呄呄呄呄呄呄呄呄呄2157

On another occasion, Xu Zhicai entertained guests, and Lu Yuanming was present. During the dinner, Lu Yuanming made fun of his surname and said, "The word' Xu' means not entering the people (Wei added' Yu' and' Jin')."

He immediately mocked Yuan Ming's surname-the word "Lu": "The word" Lu "means that" An "prints a public character as" Lu ",and then matches it with a horse as a donkey." Lu Yuanming was flushed and speechless, and the people in the room laughed their heads off.

-Old title Sui Hou Bai's "Qi Yan Lu" Bird's Nest and calf Hou Bai later became an official of the Tang Dynasty, often with solve riddles on the lanterns. Hou Baixian made three chapters for everyone: "What you guess must be a visible object; Second, you can't make empty explanations to confuse everyone; Third, if the explanation is finished, but you can't see this thing, you should be punished. " Then he first made a riddle: "The back is as big as a house, the abdomen is as big as a pillow (the crossbar behind the car), and the mouth is as big as a cup."

Everyone guessed for a long time, but no one guessed right. They all said, "Where is an object with a mouth as big as a cup and a back as big as a room?" There is no such thing. You must make a bet with all of us. Hou Bai finished gambling with everyone and explained, "This is a swallow's nest. "

They burst out laughing. On another occasion, Hou Bai attended a large banquet.

During the dinner, everyone asked him to make a riddle for entertainment. What you guess can neither be strange nor difficult to understand, nor can it be abstract and untrue.

Hou Bai replied, "There is something as big as a dog and looks like an ox. What is this? " Everyone has been speculating, some say it's roe deer, others say it's deer, but they are all denied.

Let Hou Bai tell the answer. Hou Bai laughed and said, "This is a calf."

-The old title "Qi" by Sui Houbai asks for the name of Tianbao. In his early years, the famous secret supervisor He wrote to the court and wanted to retire to his hometown of Wuzhong. Xuanzong Li Longji respected him very much and treated everything differently.

When He Zhangzhi left, he said goodbye to Tang Xuanzong, and his eyes were full of tears. Tang Xuanzong asked him what other requirements he had.

Zhang Zhi said: "I know that Zhang Zhang has a son who hasn't been named yet. If your majesty gives it a name, I will be honored to return to China. " Xuanzong said: "Faith is the core of Tao. Blessed people have faith.

Qing's son should be called Fu. "Know chapter thank humbly.

It took me a long time to realize. I thought to myself, "The emperor is so happy with me. I'm from Wu, and the word' fu' is the word' claw' followed by the word' zi'.

He named my son Fu, didn't he call my son's paw? -Gao Songyi's "Living in Groups" does not know what poetry is. Ai Zi likes to write poems. One day, Ai Zi swam between Qi and Wei and stayed in a hotel.

In the evening, he heard someone talking next door: "A song." After a while, he said, "One more song."

Ai Zi was baffled and sleepy all night. Lying until dawn, * * * heard the man in the next room say about six or seven times, that is, six or seven songs.

Ai Zi thought that the man in the next room must be a poet. He was quietly absorbed in poetry at the foot of the mountain, and he felt respect in his heart. He also liked this man's quick thinking and decided to get to know him. Early in the morning, Ai Zi got dressed and got up, adjusted her crown belt and stood at the door to meet her.

Soon, a peddler-like man came out of the next room, thin and ill. Ai Zi was disappointed, thinking: With this respect, you look like a poet. Perhaps, people can't judge people by their appearances, and they can't guess blindly.

He went up to him and asked, "I heard that Mr. Wang has many poems." Can I see them? " The man said, "I'm a businessman and I never know what poetry is."

Has refused to come up with poetry. Ai Zi stubbornly said, "I heard you say' one' in the house last night, and then you said' one'. Isn't that a poem? " Hearing this, the man couldn't help laughing: "You misunderstood.

Last night, my stomach was upset. Every time I have diarrhea, I can't find toilet paper at night, so I wipe it with my hands. Diarrhea lasted all night, and my hands were dyed almost six or seven times.

When I say' hand', I don't mean the first poem. "Ziyi listened, ashamed.

-The Word Game of Lao Shi's Essays on Ai Zi Su Dongpo heard that Wang's Essays on Words had just been written, so he went to the office to congratulate him and joked: "In the masterpiece, it is said that' bamboo' whips and' horses' are' Benedict'. But I still have a question: "I don't know what's so funny about whipping dogs with bamboo?" Gong Jing just laughed and asked, "Is there any evidence that the word' pigeon' is changed from' bird' to' nine'? Dongpo immediately replied, "The Book of Songs says,' The dead pigeon is in mulberry, and his son is seven'. Together with their parents, it is exactly nine. "

4. Where there are paragraphs in classical Chinese, don't be too long. I am cloth, I started with words, and I missed three years; After practicing martial arts, the tinker made arrows, drummed hundreds of officials, and kicked out with disorderly sticks; He studied medicine, entered the department of clinical medicine, studied hard for five years and made some achievements. He wrote a good prescription, ate it and died.

When I arrived in the underworld, I waited for Emperor Yan to ascend to the DPRK for a long time. I can't stand it. I asked him, and the ghost soldier said: Wang read the document with his feet and laughed wildly. He was startled in the backyard and didn't wake up ... Che Yin Bao Ying, a famous scholar, studied it, and Sun Kang Xue Ying studied it. One day, Kang went to visit Yin. Without seeing him, he asked where to go. The doorman said, "He went out to catch fireflies."

When I answered Bai Kang, I saw Kang standing idle in the court and asked, "Why don't you study?" Kang said, "I don't think it will snow today." -(Ming) Master Fu Bai's series "Laughing Forest" was sold with a dumb voice. People asked them the reason and said, "I'm hungry.

"He asked," If you are hungry, why don't you eat cake? " Said, "It's all rotten." (Both whispered)-(Ming) One night, I was walking on the platform and saw a woman with long hair in the air. I couldn't help staring at her.

After a while, the woman suddenly stopped and stared at me. Yu:' am I not handsome?' But I saw Yi's eyes wide open and her mouth twitched.

I sighed:' Am I too ugly?' I only see that Yi's eyes are getting bigger and bigger, and her mouth is getting bigger and bigger. I'm scared.

I am a gentleman. I have never offended her, let alone met her. I almost wanted to turn and run away when I heard Iraq shout ... ah ... "choo!" " Yi rubbed his nose and drifted away. I'm already sweating. When the river rose, a humanitarian tried to cross the river, but waded in despair. When he reached the midstream, the water washed down and drifted for half a mile.

His son searched for a boat on the shore to save him. The ship needs money before it leaves.

The price is only five cents, and the price is uncertain for a long time. On his deathbed, his father looked back at his son and said, "My son.

My son, I can save you in five minutes. Nothing can be saved.

"Marry a rich woman and a poor man, and men are afraid of getting married, so they rob a woman at the right time and recite my aunt by mistake. The woman's house shouted: "I was robbed. "

Aunt said on her back, "Don't listen to him. It's not bad. Let's go!" " A person stays for a meal, only eats tofu blindly, saying that tofu is my life, and I think he eats tasteless. In the future, Hakka people remember that their favorite food is fish mixed with tofu, and the choice of fish is wide.

The guest asked, "Brother, it is your life to taste cloud tofu. Why not eat today? " Answer: "It's fatal to see fish." A hungry cat met a hungry tiger. The cat asked the tiger, "I'm hungry because I can't eat. Why are you so tired? " The tiger said, "I want to eat people." The world has been neglected recently, but no one likes people. How can I get food? " I'm starving.

I am so, if you have been a mouse's ear, there will be no one in the world, and there will be no mouse. Why so decadent? "The cat sighed." There are many mice in the world. But recently, a group of rats are very profitable, and all of them have gained high positions. The guards are extremely strict, how dare I eat! " -"One-liners" A monk and a woman were in the same boat, and they looked at each other repeatedly. The woman was furious and ordered to beat them.

The monk closed his eyes and reached the shore. The woman ordered him to fight again. The monk said, "What is the crime now?" The woman said, "Now you close your eyes and want to be nice to me!" " The woodcutter accidentally met the doctor with firewood. The doctor was very angry and wanted to punch him.

Joe knelt down and said, "I'd rather be kicked." Everyone else was surprised. Joe said, "It will be difficult to live by his hands."

One night, there was a martial arts patrol, and some people committed crimes at night, claiming that scholars would be late for class. Wu Yi said, "As a scholar, I'll test you."

When I was born, I couldn't figure out the problem. I drank, "I have made you, but fortunately there is no topic tonight." Stealing a son into a poor man's house, he couldn't touch anything, but he vomited.

Seeing him in bed, the poor man cried, "The thief can close the door for me." The thief smiled and said, "I asked you what you care about him?" When the new official took office, he asked Xu Li, "What is the right way to be an official?" The official said, "One year, two and a half years, three years.

"The official sighed," teach me how to endure for three years! "An old man has a new child, and someone uses his two-year-old son as a matchmaker. The man said angrily, "my daughter is one year old and your son is two years old;" If my daughter is ten and your son is twenty. Andrew promised the old man? When the wife heard this, she said, "You are mistaken. My daughter is one year old and will be the same age as her next year. Why not? A bottle of good wine The father and son were carrying an altar of wine. The father was very angry because the slippery road broke it.

His son fell to the ground and drank heavily. He looked up at his father and said, "Do you want to wait for dinner?" Thank you for being an official. I occasionally fart and say the word "finished". Not knowing this, officials mistakenly thought it was "rewarding officials", hoping to win their favor, so they knelt down and said, "Thank you for your reward."

Some people make a fool of themselves by killing cattle, but the son wants to avoid the word "killing pigs" and returns to the cloud: "My family has left Shanghai." The man who slaughtered the cow came back and praised him for it.

The son also realized that the pig had been slaughtered the next day, and the son returned to the cloud: "Dad made a fool of himself when he went abroad." Q: "When will you come back?" Answer: "I will come back naturally after making a fool of myself."

If you have a business brother who can speak Mandarin, you can learn a little Mandarin. When I got home, my brother went to the toilet across the river and told my brother to see his father first.

The father asked, "Where's your brother?" The elder brother said, "Shit." Father was surprised and said, "Where was it killed?" Answer: "Henan."

The father was heartbroken and his younger brother died, so the father scolded his second son, "Why are you so ridiculous?" He said, "I have heard the official words." Father said, "If you speak Mandarin like this, you will only scare your own father."

5. Collect the funniest 10 joke scenes in history. Teacher: To be honest, do you smoke? Boy a: no.

Teacher: No? Well, French fries, please. Boy A naturally stretched out two fingers and took it ... Teacher: No smoking? ! Call your parents ... Scene 2 Teacher: Do you smoke? Boy b: no.

Teacher: No? Well, French fries, please. B took the French fries carefully with her palm, because she heard about A.

Teacher: Aren't you going to dip in some ketchup? B accidentally dipped too much, and immediately played it with your fingers ... Teacher: Hehe ... the posture of playing ash is very skilled. Call your parents ... Scene 3 Teacher: Do you smoke? Boy c: no.

Teacher: no, ok, I'll have French fries. Because of the first two examples, C carefully finished the French fries with sweat.

Teacher: Aren't you going to take a root home for your classmates? C picked up the French fries and put them in his ear ... Teacher: No? Call your parents ... Scene 4 Teacher: Do you smoke? Boy d: no. Teacher: Good. Have a French fries.

Eating French fries in fear. Teacher: Aren't you going to take a root home for your classmates? D carefully put the chips in his upper pocket again.

The teacher suddenly shouted: The headmaster is coming! D quickly took the chips out of his pocket, threw them on the ground, and stepped on them with his feet ... Teacher: No? ! Call your parents ... Scene 5 Teacher: Do you smoke? Boy E: No, Teacher: Fine. Have a French fries. E just took French fries, and the teacher said, won't you invite me to eat? E quickly handed me the French fries with both hands, and then took out the lighter ... Teacher: Hehe ... Scene 6 Teacher: Do you smoke? Boy f: no.

Teacher: Good. Have a French fries. I ate it in fear.

Teacher: Suddenly shouted: The headmaster is coming! F sweaty palms, but still calmly bowed his head and said, hello, headmaster! Teacher: The headmaster will smell your mouth. F takes out the French fries: no, it's still there. The fire hasn't been lit yet ... Scene 7 Teacher: Do you smoke? Boy G: I swear to God, I will never smoke again.

Teacher: You really don't smoke? Ok, let's have a French fries. G naturally took the French fries and ate them clean.

Teacher: That's a good boy. What brand of French fries do you usually like? (proudly): Greater China ... Scene 8 Teacher: French fries, please. Boy n: no, thanks.

Teacher: ...